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Is Forgiveness Really Possible?
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Learn More | Harboring HopeSeveral years ago, my friend, John, told me about a man who was struggling with forgiveness.
This man's wife had taken the two youngest of their four daughters to a friend's birthday party. Halfway through the birthday party, she received a call from their two teenage daughters saying they needed to be picked up from a high-school party that was getting out of hand. Wanting to get them out of a bad situation, she grabbed the two younger girls, loaded them into the car, and hurried over to get her older girls. She didn't waste any time on the road since she knew her teen girls would be standing at the curb, waiting for her to arrive. She was in the process of texting the mother of the younger child's birthday party to explain why she had taken her girls and left without saying goodbye when she felt the jolt of her car jumping a curb – she was distracted and had not seen the bend in the road. She looked up just in time to see her beautiful teen daughters go under her car.
Both died.
After the horrific accident, John tried for months to talk with his old friend, the dad of these girls. Each time he called him, his friend would say he wasn't ready to talk. Finally, he agreed to getting together.
John told me there were two things his friend shared that really struck him. First, John's friend realized the accident hadn't just taken the girls' lives but, somehow, had taken almost everything he treasured:
- It robbed the innocence of his two younger girls as they had witnessed the violent death of their two older sisters.
- It robbed the special intimacy he and his wife shared. She was so distraught by what she'd done, that she seemed incapable of connecting with him. The pain of that night invaded all their time together.
- It robbed him of a career he loved. He had been a pilot, but his job required travel three to four nights a week, and he now needed to stay home and take care of his family. He also confessed that he was so distracted and full of sorrow, that he wasn't even sure it would be safe for him to fly a plane.
- He lost his social community. He had many friends, but going out felt awkward, selfish, and painful. He was always afraid people would ask how he was doing, or worse, he was afraid they wouldn't ask about it at all.
- He lost his ability to financially support his family as he once had. Finding another job with the same level of pay was not possible – he had taken a 40% pay cut.
- The accident cost him his church because he didn't feel he could go there and pretend he and his family were fine. He was confused by how people seemed to go on as if nothing had happened.
- His belief that God is a loving God was not lost, but definitely in jeopardy!
- The accident had even cost him contact with his extended family. His parents were grieving and blamed his wife for the death of their two granddaughters. They refused to come visit if she was present.
The second thing John's friend shared was that in spite of all the things that he lost, he still understood Jesus' teaching that we should forgive "70 x 7" in a totally new light.1 He shared how he had forgiven his wife the day his two oldest daughters died and has had to do so multiple times each day as the painful memories rolled across their lives. He vowed that he would continue to forgive her every day from now until eternity.
John told me, "I was so struck by the forgiveness statement and thought of all the couples you are helping through Hope-Now."
Forgiveness is not a one-and-done process when it comes to trauma and pain of this magnitude. For those who come from faith, they may identify with the parallel we can draw from the concept of baptism. The inner change is the beginning, not the end of the process of a deeply personal sanctification. For those who don't come from a faith background or a personal faith, what I'm trying to convey is that our healing is a process. It's layer upon layer of work that we must do in order to process our pain and heal, slowly but surely, one day at a time.
The similarities between what this man experienced and what those who are recovering from infidelity experience struck me. All of us have been betrayed on some level, and all of us have betrayed someone else on some level. I hope this example reminds us to never take the forgiveness extended to us by others for granted! If you're ready for change and looking for a process to walk you through this journey, I encourage you to sign up for our Harboring Hope registration is open. Find a safe community of people working toward the healing and support you desire. Click here https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope to learn more.
What type of affair was it?
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Comments
What if the partner is unforgiving?
How is someone supposed to move forward when they are constantly forgiving, but their partner is not? Is it even possible? For context, I’m the unfaithful, but my partner has stayed for 8 months since dday and I’m now 6mo pregnant. The flooding (yelling, calling me disgusting whore, saying he’ll leave ect ect) just keeps getting worse and it all feels like a trick to hurt me when he’s nice (as he has specifically told me). Maybe this is not the right comment for this article, but it’s been on my mind.
The striking difference is
The striking difference is this was a one-time accident. My husband’s afffair was hundreds of disrespectful decisions.
yes!
In reply to The striking difference is by Jody Moore
So very true. I feel what you are saying to my core...this wasn't an accident. It was uncountable decision after decision to dishonor and disregard me as a wife.
This installment was a
This installment was a godsend for me today as I, 13 months in, face the ripples and get frustrated in going back to crying every day as we pass this milestone. I've never heard that about the bridge. I'm definitely crying a river but i'm going to work on the bridge. Thank you.
Please consider pulling this or doing a conceptual rethink
In reply to This installment was a by Radishgirl
I have benefited greatly from a number of these videos as a regular subscriber. I do not usually comment; however, please rethink this video and the examples used. I would rethink, or at least take some more, time in differentiating accidents from choices. In this context, that is a rather important distinction; this can be incredibly hurtful to someone recovering from betrayal. The betrayed get enough of that sort of content from the unfaithful in their own set of circumstances.
I do see an opportunity to use the bridge analogy from a different angle. It's not getting over it or moving past it, it's rebuilding what was destroyed. The unfaithful has a role to play in that process, both for their redemption as a person and for the restoration of the betrayed. That certainly makes forgiveness/healing that much more possible.
One way to think about it: The unfaithful has destroyed the bridge, it is in pieces. Consequently, the betrayed is stranded on the island they both once called home. Crying not only understandable but necessary to heal. I've never seen a construction worker capable of building much of anything let alone a bridge in that state of mind. It becomes the obligation of the betrayed to grieve the loss and work through the emotional fallout; it becomes the obligation of the unfaithful to repair the bridge (i.e. agency, dignity, choice, etc.).
It seems like supplementing this analogy with the role the unfaithful should play would be helpful to the healing process in getting that bridge built.
BW Response to this video and analogy used
In reply to Please consider pulling this or doing a conceptual rethink by Datasurge86
I have loved so many of hopenow and affair recovery videos, but this one in particular left a very disturbing and unsettling feeling that I cannot agree with. When it ended, my UH and I both looked at each other, completely confused, and more so disgusted by the “cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it please.
First of all, in many AR videos I have seen on intimate betrayal an I have actually seen you speak directly to the unfaithful spouses and tell them never to say “get over it” to their BS. So I’m utterly confused how you are wholly contradicting your own advice in recovery. Grieving is imperative, on the betrayed spouse’s own timeline and I vividly recall the recommendation to Betrayer to allow as much time as needed to grieve. So how then, do you feel goo about telling the betrayed spouses to directly “get over it”? Confusing, rushing the grieving process, and trivializing and minimizing the destruction caused, then telling us to get over it.
I also remember many times on the playground, hearing silliy school children sing out this childish gig, especially in the context of making fun of whoever is being overly emotional, or in child’s terms “acting like a baby”. Please, I am begging you to rethink the concept laid out in this video.
To healing for all betrayed and their betrayers!
Thank you, Kristin
Sympathy and Forgiveness Aren’t The Same
My husband found AR in 2018 after confessing to our doctor he’d had an affair. He joined Hope for Healing and at his request, I joined a Harboring Hope group in 2019. Near the end of the year my husband and I attended an EMS weekend. We did the 6 week couples follow up. We flew back to Texas on two occasions following to meet with Leigh, while we continued to see separate counselors in our home state.
I believe AR helped us in many ways and gave information that we each could apply to areas of our situation.
The unfortunate reality of many intensives like EMS is they are attended prior to a full therapeutic disclosure. At the beginning of the weekend, Rick asks the betraying spouse to look at their betrayed spouse and confess if there is more that your spouse doesn’t know about or if whole story is out. My husband looked me in the eyes and promised I knew everything.
Much to my surprise, my D day, three plus years ago was the only infidelity my husband claimed until we found our, CSAT counselor in 2020 who prepared me to brace myself for more.
A full therapeutic disclosure in July of 2020 revealed that I’d been betrayed our entire relationship and that the one night stand I believed we needed to heal from was actually just his last one.
Addiction is not a marriage issue. Marriage counseling and intensives should be shelved until the betrayed spouse has the entire story and that needs done with the help of a specialist. Read Milton Magness’ Stop Sex Addiction. EMS can then be attended by a spouse who is no longer in shock, denial, bargaining or the dark.
So much more damage was done in our case because my husband’s focus was winning me back and not on his own genuine healing process. He had determined he could betray me for the rest of our lives by withholding the truth because that was less damaging to him than losing me. In essence, his happiness was paramount to my safety and freedom.
This story doesn’t apply in many ways. Betrayal is the purposeful continual destruction of a faithful partner’s spiritual, sexual, mental, emotional, physical, financial, familial, existence and future safety. As adults, we can not feign surprise that casual or long term sex with anyone other than our spouse spreads debilitating and potentially deadly diseases. It destroys trust not only in our partners but in ourselves and others around us. It’s humiliating, expensive and changes us in ways we don’t want changed.
As betrayed spouses, our goal is never to become a better victim so our partners become more adept abusers. Often, love is restrictive not permissive and for the sake of our safety, we must create boundaries to protect ourselves from further attacks.
I believe we can all relate to the losses the husband in the story has experienced but his wife didn’t act in malice or in deceit. She made a tragic error in judgment.
Forgiveness is about my freedom. My husband is not and will never be deserving of it. He can’t fix what he’s purposefully destroyed. There is no salve to cure what he callously annihilated. I have no empathy for an entitled child who throws a toy to the ground and then is angry at it when tape can’t seem to hold it back together. When I have calculated my losses and processed enough of the grief I cycle and recycle through, I will forgive him for my sake.
Empathy however is completely different. This I don’t have and honestly don’t know that I ever will. We can all empathize with the wife and husband in this story. Lord have mercy on them both.
I can’t agree with the earlier chastising statement that betrayed spouses need to get a grip. That’s pretty much all we’re trying to do. No one can tell another that the death of a child is more tragic than betrayal trauma. Each are equally devastating to the person who holds relationships and loved ones equally sacred. Don’t let someone else tell you that the pain they or someone else caused you is unfair or unreasonable. I know it’s taking everything in you to navigate the cruelty of the unwelcome place you’ve found yourself in.
Here’s what I believe happens. In time, the power of the emotion of betrayal wanes. Rick is in a different place than newly betrayed spouses because he has experienced years of forgiveness. I met Stephanie. She’s amazing.
I think only betrayal stories should be used as examples when talking about forgiveness because we are all desperately looking for hope to attach to. Stories like this draw instant comparisons and leave us feeling unseen.
I hear the pain in the above comments. Intimate betrayal trauma is a real thing. We are still living in it every day. We have set aside the marriage for now. We are in our home, raising our daughter and doing our best to heal ourselves while honoring one another in the growth process.
Addicts will and do continue to lie, gaslight, control and malign faithful partners until the root of their trauma and addiction is exposed.
For those who have been continuously betrayed for being betrayed, I’m so sorry. You alone will have to put safety measures into play for yourselves and it’s so hard to do when weakness and strength no longer even make sense to you.
Offending partners, please seek out a trauma therapist or CSAT therapist to determine what you actually need to see about yourself so you have the potential to live authentically and actually be loved and known.
Healing is a journey and each day is riddled with challenges, set backs, revelations and steps forward. I believe this platform is one where others are seen and healing is encouraged. Keep sharing your truth, insights and wisdom here. To healing.
Agree with Smalltowngirl
In reply to Sympathy and Forgiveness Aren’t The Same by SmalltownGirl
I read the article and the comments and I want to say thank you to Smalltowngirl for so perfectly and eloquently dissecting the article and putting the pieces back in order with empathy for the father, and entire family in this story, and for your bravery in sharing parts of your story in which we, the other hurting, can relate, empathize, and gain hope from.
Thanks again, Smalltowngirl!
I disagree with the complains of this articler.
After reading the moments, i would disagree with the reactions many have. Regardless of circumstances from where the pain origins from, you need to move forward. I experience there i sa a great miss from many of the commenters, that one is planned and executed hurt, the other a tragedy and therefore the topic of forgiveness cannot be brought up. I dissegra.
To bring up other events, to draw parreles to events is ment to give you an afterthought. This is to lift your head up and relearn more self-awareness. This is how i choose to interpreterte this article.
I will for whoever wants to challenge this, to know i am the hurt-giver in my family. My perspective is that i feel immense shame, and self-hate and during the harder times i daydream to end my life as the pain is severe for me. This is my reality, and my emotions even though i did comit infidelity. If i am to help, and support my wife, i most heal too and start forgiving myself to have enough mental capacity to undergo change, to be supportive of her health issues. If i am choosing to be stuck, the marriage will die, and the wish to take responsibility will never come to be, just because the guilt and mental illness is preventing self-healing. First you need to heal yourself, to forgiveness yourself, then you can be present.
THis is why this article is something i support came; it is just one out of many topics that needs to be brought up. To expand yourself, to be more knowledgeable to comit, will need reflection and to draw parallells from different events.
70-7 talk
I would love to hear more from a Betrayed Spouse rather than get advice about forgiving and moving on from a Wayward Spouse. The hurt is incredibly different. That said, I do not want to minimize the guilt, shame and hurt from the Wayward spouse. I just think most of us that have been betrayed would get a lot more from someone on our side of the track! I understand Rick and Wayne are trained professional and have heard many a story. It seems it is easier to ask for forgiveness of an act when you are also one who committed the same act. I do appreciate the efforts and viewpoint though.
70X7
In reply to 70-7 talk by soph
I also would like to see some video presentations from experts or mentors who’ve been betrayed. I do appreciate and have been helped by the videos from Rick, Wayne and Samual but I would find it easier to believe that an extraordinary marriage lays ahead if I have heard it from someone who has experienced the same depth of pain that I’ve experienced. I know some betrayed spouses have been interviewed but the interviewer generally lead and directed the discussion.
I think what the point of the 70 X 7 story was meant to relate is that forgiveness will need to be granted over and over. My wife’s brief affair early in our marriage (in the 1970’s) still affects me daily. The process is similar even if the nature of the tragedies are quite different.
What are the benefits
I understand the reactions to the story and to the comparison - I would like to refocus a bit. No one would deny that infidelity is horrific and to be betrayed is absolutely life-changing. My question - and what I believe Rick was trying to address - is what is the cost/benefit of unforgiveness? I am just over 2 years out from d-day, and I am struggling to forgive. I am stuck - constantly replaying the story of how my husband betrayed me - chose others (and himself) over me. My unwillingness and inability to forgive is impacting our relationship - but even more - it is impacting me - my mental health, my outlook on life, my ability to feel joy and connect with others in an authentic way. I blame him, and I am constantly angry, frustrated, sad... His betrayals changed my life and hurt me deeply. I am coming to understand that now my choice is to allow his actions to control my life, or to choose to take that power back and make the intentional decision to care for myself by offering forgiveness to him. Not easy - not done all at once - but small choices every day to free myself from the pain and anger by acknowledging it, grieving it and trying to let it go. 70 times 7. Holy crap - that is hard! But the alternative of staying in this place of bitterness and anger is not where I want to be - it does not allow me to be who I want to be. Maybe I will not be able to stay in this relationship, that is yet to be determined. What I do know is that I cannot continue to live with all of the frustration and anger towards him from past choices, because it is keeping me from being the kind, generous, loving and joyful person that I want to be. I want to smile, I want to laugh, I want to feel safe and content in my home, I want to not pretend that everything is ok - but to feel that everything is ok. This forgiveness is for me - not for him. I pray that God continues to help me find the strength to forgive, to make that choice every day, and I pray that for all of you as well.
Infedelity is an Intentional Act
I read this article before going to bed and I could not get it off my mind. Infidelity is a conscious and deliberate act of betrayal. The situation described here was a tragic accident. The two are just not the same. My husband often struggles to understand why it is so difficult for me to move on from the pain caused by his 8-year-long affair. It has been three years since discovery, and I still struggle with depression, crying, triggers, etc. My husband has experienced a number of tragedies in his own life. He lost his mother to cancer when he was just a young boy. He also witnessed a close friend lose his life in a tragic accident. He will often use those examples to shame me for not getting over the infidelity quickly enough. He says that he also experienced bad things in life, but he realized you can’t change the past, so he figured out how to let it go and just move forward. He says I should be able to do the same. I just do not see the situations as being the same. His mother would never have chosen to get sick and leave him. He can take comfort in that knowledge. When his friend was tragically killed, he received an outpouring of kindness and support from others to help him through the grieving process. Betrayal is such a unique situation. The person you love and trust the makes a series of deliberate hurtful choices over many years. It was not a one-time mistake or accident. His lies were woven into the daily life of our family for several years. The discovery of infidelity brings shame to both spouses. There is no funeral to help you grieve the loss. There is no outpouring of support because you don’t want everyone to know. I acknowledge there are many things in life that are much worse than having a cheating spouse. I cannot imagine the pain of losing one of my children. I know there would be no comparison. I just am growing tired of being misunderstood by my husband. Betrayal trauma changes a person in ways that are so different from other types of trauma. The only thing I could relate to from this article was the fact that forgiveness is a process. With infidelity, you are not forgiving a single act of wrongdoing. You must learn how to forgive daily because there will always be intrusive thoughts or new discoveries about past events. It’s a pain that just keeps on giving every day. I came back to this article several hours later just to read the comments to see if other people may have felt the same way I did. It really bothered me that much. I feel somewhat better knowing that I am not alone.
So well said, thank you, this
In reply to Infedelity is an Intentional Act by HEATHER
So well said, thank you, this sums up so well how I've been feeling, and also coming up to 3 years since my D-Day. Your comments about shaming you for not getting over his infidelity quick enough were helpful for me, I've not been able to figure out what it is about my spouse's attitude toward me that is so impossible to understand, but that is it, shaming me for not getting over it fast enough. This is the opposite of empathy, repentance and compassion, and that is really at the heart of the issue with an unfaithful spouse, unless there is heartfelt empathy and true repentance then how can you move forward. It's so exhausting and what you said about growing tired of being misunderstood is something that I'm sure all of us betrayed spouses can relate to. This, combined with the "disenfranchised grief" you talked about, when almost no one knows what is really going on and you have to live and act with most people like everything is fine, while covering for your spouses terrible choices, is another one of the biggest sources of anxiety and depression I think, for us as the betrayed spouse who has chosen not to divorce our unfaithful spouse and yet they still treat us with contempt and disrespect. Thanks again for sharing.
Infidelity is no accident
There is no comparison between an accident and cheating. To assume that adultery on any level "just happened" (as i was told) , would be to say that one unconsciously, beyond their control, had sexual relations with someone other than their spouse. Then for us that have been battling this life of betrayal also know that we, victims, are being blamed by the cheater for their CONSCIOUS choices, and of course dont forget those who have no better morals or integrity that dont want to "be in the middle", and side with your cheating lying spouse, is to excuse all of them for their unethical, unmoral, ungodly, cruel, abusive, murderous acts, is insane. Forgiveness, yes, to not forgive is in a sense lowering yourself to their level, of being uncaring, unloving, and unfeeling. When we look at what our Lord and Savior did for our sins and the forgiveness he bought for us in shedding his blood on the cross is true compassion, and love. I choose to mirror myself after Jesus, to be forgiving, to be compassionate to those that hurt me. And yes, i do have compassion for my soon to be X, knowing the deep shame he feels, how awful to have to live with that, even though theres still alot of self deception going on inside of him, i know hes miserable. And all you that have been betrayed believe it, because they are, even in their pretend normal lives, they are not well adjusted. To err is human, to forgive is divine. Praying God's comforting arms around all betrayed.
Seriously? And the title question wasn’t even touched.
Like all the others, while tragic, such a scenario is very different than intentional abuse of one’s spouse through lying, infidelity, etc. But the question of should everything be forgiven isn’t even addressed. This is REALLY off target and gives little confidence to whether you all can even answer serious questions about infidelity and abuse in any context, let alone in a Christian one. Sorry, this is a big fat miss.
Jenifer, and everyone else
In reply to Seriously? And the title question wasn’t even touched. by Jenifer
Jenifer, and everyone else who has commented here, I've been contemplating the same thing all day since I read this article. Such a tragic accident, heartbreaking, yet nothing at all like the terrible pain of finding out the harsh truth about my wife's intentional choices to have an affair on multiple business trips with a married man who had a teenage son, while we had 3 children of our own at home. Disgusting, sickening, life changing, it is the most horrible thing you can experience in my opinion, mostly because of the fact that your spouse intentionally chooses this over their commitment to you and your family, and you end up feeling like you aren't enough. I will never be the same again, I will never trust the same, love the same, or ever be able to be the same person I used to be, and I am 2 yrs 9 months out from D Day and still feeling like this will be with me forever.
And how true of the analogy of your spouse running you over on purpose, then denying they did it or claiming it was your fault. How ludicrous, impossible to imagine for any sane person, yet this is exactly what a contemptuous selfish spouse does when they choose an affair then out of selfish disregard, claim you were the one at fault.
I can tell you all that the pain does begin to subside, the color will start to come back into your world, and that you will begin to see glimmers of hope around you. Don't give up on yourself, you didn't deserve this, no one deserves this.
Not in the same league
This is the 2nd time this month that you compare an issue with your spouse, children and family and the ensuing pain with INFIDELITY of your spouse. It’s not even in the same league. And how does that address the RAGE that occurs? Please stop gaslighting us and give us examples we can learn from.
Accidents are not Infidelity
I feel forgiving an accident to be an entirely different topic than forgiving someone who intentionally disrespected and hurt you. Impossible to compare, really.
Accidents are not Infidelity
In reply to Accidents are not Infidelity by WolfWomanK
Understand completely that the topic is forgiveness but forgiving an accident (even as terrible as this) is not the same thing as forgiving infidelity (mirroring Wolf's comment). It almost felt insulting to me to read this article. To maybe put this as a better comparison as I have tried to explain this pain to people, it would be like if your spouse saw you in the middle of the road, ran you over, lied to you about running you over, and then kept running you over. Oh, yeah, and then you and almost everyone in your circle finding out about it and thinking your spouse's running you over was your all fault and then you question everything about your world and humanity in general. The difference is intention and lying -- it's not even really the actions.
Absolutely agree - this adds so little
In reply to Accidents are not Infidelity by janell
Precisely what Janell said. I think this article should be removed. The only piece of comparison is that if you finally choose to forgive, you will need to keep forgiving over and over because the trauma and the rage and triggers will be there for a long time. Infidelity is not something that just happens. It’s not a mistake. Or an accident due to a moment of distraction while trying your hardest to be a good person but you have too many things going on and make a terrible mistake. I can’t see how this scenario is in any way comparable to infidelity or it’s aftermath. In fact I don’t find stories about accidents happening to good people or people making honest mistakes helps me in any way to process what my “husband” did deliberately, callously, without remorse to me (and more recently my children) over and over again until he was exposed or how I might come to forgive him for those deliberate acts. All it makes me think is why do these awful things happen to good people when people who constantly make bad, dangerous, reckless, hurtful conscious decisions to put their own fun and adventure ahead of their commitment to their spouses and family get to live their life exactly the way they please for decades. I would be more interested in hearing stories and insights that are directly on point.
Absolutely agree - this adds so little
In reply to Accidents are not Infidelity by janell
Precisely what Janell said. I think this article should be removed. The only piece of comparison is that if you finally choose to forgive, you will need to keep forgiving over and over because the trauma and the rage and triggers will be there for a long time. Infidelity is not something that just happens. It’s not a mistake. Or an accident due to a moment of distraction while trying your hardest to be a good person but you have too many things going on and make a terrible mistake. I can’t see how this scenario is in any way comparable to infidelity or it’s aftermath. In fact I don’t find stories about accidents happening to good people or people making honest mistakes helps me in any way to process what my “husband” did deliberately, callously, without remorse to me (and more recently my children) over and over again until he was exposed or how I might come to forgive him for those deliberate acts. All it makes me think is why do these awful things happen to good people when people who constantly make bad, dangerous, reckless, hurtful conscious decisions to put their own fun and adventure ahead of their commitment to their spouses and family get to live their life exactly the way they please for decades. I would be more interested in hearing stories and insights that are directly on point.
Infidelity is no accident
In reply to Accidents are not Infidelity by WolfWomanK
The other comment already posted states exactly what I was thinking while reading this article. The article tells the story of a horrible tragedy that is the result of an ACCIDENT. Completely different than your life partner CHOOSING to betray, hurt, disrespect you. I imagine there is a huge difference in what is required by both parties to forgive these very different actions that caused traumas.
Forgiveness
What a sad story and yes this is different then an affair. However, in my situation my actions created the environment for the affair. Active Alcoholic for 20 plus years, sober going on 3 years. I have forgiven my wife as she has forgiven me. Or I should say we are actively forgiving each other on a daily basis. Our marriage is not perfect but it is better then it has ever been. We have spent a lot of time and money in counseling and AA & Alaonon. If you truly love your spouse never give up hope. When my wife had moved out was the darkest time in my life. A whole lot of God, AA and dear friends got me through it. Never would have imagined things could be as good as they are now and forgiveness is the key
Forgiveness
I have thought about what I'm going to write here. And I have started over with my comment so many times. There is no right or wrong answer. I have come to realize over the years that there is trauma being caused to people, because of wrong choices, that is just too hard to forgive out of our own power and we deem it unforgivable. Like this woman's inlaws, they couldnt forgive her for what she's done. It was just a wrong choice, it wasn't as if she was a bad mother or were out to purposefully cause harm.
Some of us who have been cheated on cannot forgive our spouse, and deem that act unforgivable. I am not defending the unfaithfull, but if I were to put myself in my husband's shoes, wouldn't I want him to fight for me and forgive me? I have come to learn what the true meaning of forgiving 70x7 like the Bible says means, with my husband who cheated on me several times. This last time was the one that hit me the hardest and I couldn't do anything out of myself. I realized, like some of you already said, that forgiveness is for myself. If I do not forgive, I fan the flame of anger, wrath, hatred. I destroy myself (and I will not give that control and satisfaction to the affair partner.)I cannot live freely and my relationship with my Father in Heaven is severely hindered. And why would I want to give the enemy that upperhand???
I asked Christ daily to help me forgive, especially the woman who purposefully tried to destroy my family and my miracle son's life, and she doesn't even know me. Did I forgive her and my husband? YES.
Is the wounds still there? Heck yes, and will be for a long time.
Do I believe that God can change my husband?
MOST ABSOLUTELY!
He is already changing him. My husband realized he had a problem and together we are working on it. I speak positively over our marriage and over my husband daily.
You see...
I CHOOSE to love
I CHOOSE to forgive
I CHOOSE to be free
Not comparing apples to apples
It’s soon going to be 5 years since I found out my wife betrayed me. I think at one point I may have those words “I forgive you” in a counseling session but in reality I’m not sure I ever have. We are still together but my life is nothing like it was. I have little to no passion towards her. I have to literally make myself go and get her a Christmas gift, birthday gift and etc. Before D-day I would put a lot of time and effort into those special days surprising her and enjoying it. I use to think about our future but now don’t ever give it much of a thought. I think she believe I have forgiven her and that things are good between us but it’s from that. I appreciate you sharing the story and my heart goes out to that family but it’s definitely not comparing apples to apples.
Ditto
In reply to Not comparing apples to apples by kenny
I hear you Kenny. It’s so hard to find a birthday, Mother’s Day or anniversary card with words that I can truly feel or say without tongue in cheek. Depressing even after 5 years. Lack of genuine remorse and repentance doesn’t help.
Forgiveness
Unfortunately you cannot compare this to the total betrayal by your spouse, your lifetime partner, the father of your child.
My husband betrayed me in the worst possible way. Not only did he have an affair but brought her into the home we shared for 20 years, and then in our dream home where we planned on spending the rest of our lives together now that the kids had moved on. I can’t explain the hurt that it has caused me. I have to live here day in and day out knowing what went on here. The lies are unimaginable. I can’t get away from the triggers, the pain and the betrayal. I cannot forgive him for the hurt it has caused me. It never lessens, even with time. My choice is to stay and live this nightmare everyday, or hurt my child and our family even more, and of course if I choose to leave, I will forever be the bad guy. They all can forget, but I never will...
I concur with the comment
I concur with the comment directly below.
Not the same
An affair may start as an “accident,” a moment of weakness, not protecting what is sacred, etc. but in the scenario above it was an unfortunate ONE TIME occurrence. It didn’t involve repeated lies and deceit every day over an extended period of time.
I would guess that the father didn’t try to tell his wife that it didn’t happen, it was all her imagination, she was putting too much “overthinking” into it.
I understand the part of having to make a conscious choice of forgiving daily but the example used is a bad comparision.
The man has to look at his wife knowing that she took their children’s life by accident not intentionally.
Intent is totally different
I agree with the other comments. This woman made a bad decision that killed her daughters and the family suffered on every level. The difference, though, is that she did not intend to do this. Much like an affair, where the spouse intentionally sets out to be unfaithful, deceived and lies to all around them - especially their spouse.
Accidental death is a world apart from intentional unfaithfulness. I would have rather my wife died in a tragic accident than the years of lies and, since the affair ended, the years of no empathy or remorse or connection toward me.
I applaud this man's ability to forgive, but please don't try to pass this over as the same pain an affair causes in the marriage covenant.
Not the same pain
In reply to Intent is totally different by Wanting Victory
While in no way would I minimise the trauma and devastation the betrayal of infidelity brings to a relationship, felt I had to comment.
Yes it is not the same pain, I could only think it must be so much worse. To lose your children is the most devastating event imaginable. No matter what the unfaithful did, you are both still alive, in pain and struggling, but alive, with choices for the future. I am three years out from D-Day and feel unhappiness every day. I am not the same person, but have forgiven him, though don't see him in the same way now. The reason I have stayed is for my son who needs his father. His journey through adolescence will not be helped by us separating. My son comes first as he had no say in what happened and doesn't deserve to suffer because of it. My heart goes out to the man who forgave and his wife who will struggle to live with herself, probably for the rest of her life. I work in critical care and the worst pain I see is when someone loses a child. Intent doesn't matter. Very thought provoking article. Lola.
Forgiveness
In reply to Intent is totally different by Wanting Victory
I agree this is comparing two totally different situations. Accidents happen and sometimes accidents destroy lives. However, this young mother did not intentionally kill her children. Her pain is also in a different league. I do not believe for one minute that my pain as a betrayed spouse comes even close to what she is going through. Just feels selfish to even compare my pain to hers. My pain is real and some days I wonder if happiness is forever fleeting. However, I cannot in good conscience compare the utter stupidity and selfishness of adultery to the gut wrenching, heart breaking devastation brought on by the death of two young innocent children. Just does not seem like a good comparison.
What if they deny intent?
In reply to Intent is totally different by Wanting Victory
Mine got caught texting multiple women he “ministers” to that he lives them. One in particular got most of his free time and attention. He adamantly denies any intention of wrong doing and it took months to get him to admit to an emotional affair. I’m not sure how to forgive this ... especially since he’s reluctant to take responsibility and own his actions.
Just as maybe one doesn’t intend to start an affair, but didn’t fall naked onto another woman by accident, one doesn’t end up accidentally telling other women “I love you” by accident either.
So, I’m wondering if my decision to reconcile is ill advised, and if forgiveness might look different than moving forward as is and accepting the narrative I’ve been given.
I believe in the power of forgiveness... but I’m wondering if it will look different and involve a redefinition of “safe partner” through the process.
Forgiveness
While I appreciate all that this story can teach us about forgiveness and the day to day after any form of trauma, what had been lost here is the matter of intent. It is hard to compare the forgiveness of this basically innocent mother with the forgiveness of a spouse, who purposely pursues adulterous relationships.
Forgiveness
In reply to Forgiveness by blindsided
I agree that it is entirely different to equate an unintentional accident with the purposeful deception from your spouse.
Forgiveness
In reply to Forgiveness by blindsided
I am more than 5 years out from D-Day, and I have convinced myself that my wife's decision to betray me is not a forgivable offense. While the mother in this story chose to text and drive, in and of itself her decision was not based on selfishness the way the decision to have an affair is. I have come to accept my wife's preference for another man, but I can no more forgive her for that preference than I can 'forgive' her preference for strawberry ice cream over vanilla. Fantasy or not, she preferred the feelings she received from her sweet talking affair partner over the true love, with its ups and downs, she received from her marriage of 32 years.
Forgiveness
In reply to Forgiveness by mwh
Mwh I know exactly how you feel but I have decided to forgive and it has to happen daily. Some times hourly. Over and over I have to forgive because the betrayal haunts me, as does the evilness that was the other person. Nobody knows really how this never leaves my mind or my reality of life. It is truly a burden. I wish that these selfish people who have affairs could only understand the horrible hurt they have caused another. And usually it has hurt their best friend and life partner. I am sorry for your hurt.
Forgiveness has its place. It
In reply to Forgiveness by mwh
Forgiveness has its place. It helps one to not carry around the burden of tragedy. Not forgiving a premeditated act may be borne out of self preservation: what if he/she does it again? Should I not defend myself against such an act?
Forgiveness
In reply to Forgiveness by blindsided
It is hard to forgive someone who intentionally deceives us. It is harder to forgive someone who truly isn’t sorry . Forgiveness isn’t for the one who did us wrong forgiveness is for ourselves so the destruction someone else caused loses it power to destroy us. Forgiveness is a daily choice just as a cheater makes a daily choice to cheat we have the power to not be controlled by someone else’s self destruction. I choose to forgive for me so I have the peace I need .
Forgiveness
In reply to Forgiveness by Becky Benjamin
I agree, Becky. My 2 year D-Day is on Valentine’s Day. When I found out about the affair, I was not only devastated I had such hate in my heart. For four months I carried that hate. I researched forgiveness, I didn’t want my husband to think for a second it was about him and it was ok what he had done. Once I understood forgiveness I was able to go to him and honestly forgive him. I had such a weight lifted off my shoulders, he was no longer controlling me.
Does this mean we are happy and back together? No, far from it, our divorce will be final in April. It is sad it came to this decision, but I no longer carry the hate, I have released his control over me and I am moving on. Is it easy? No, it is not...but I am in a far better place today, than I have been in a very long time.
Very true forgiveness is for healing the betrayed
In reply to Forgiveness by Becky Benjamin
I forgive every day and every minute of intrusive thoughts that I have from my husband's affair. I decided to forgive because carrying the hatred and bitterness from the betrayal was destroying me at the core. I am much happier after forgiving and embracing the lessons from this betrayal. As for my husband and the AP they have to live with what they did and carry that burden. Hopefully they can learn from their betrayal. But my life is full of joy because I let go of the anger through forgiveness.
Sometimes forgiveness seems to come....
only after we are so tired of hurting and worn from fighting against the feelings of disappointment and disgust of the betrayal. I often think it is the mind giving up and the tincture of time fading the pain emotion and memories.
As the betrayer, I don't feel
As the betrayer, I don't feel worthy of forgiveness. I want to move past this. The affair was short, but the impact was huge. The affair is over and will always be over. I know the Lord forgives me. My husband also says he forgives me, but the struggle comes day after day. The pulling away, the unreturned or minimally returned affection...it is a constant reminder of my failure. I understand it and feel that I deserve to feel this way now. My old nagging feelings of inadequacy have now been multiplied exponentially. I did this. I dug myself into this pit and cannot find my way out. I have moments when the Lord shows me a little brightness at the end of the tunnel, but these moments are so fleeting. Forgiving myself, that is the hardest.
I'm sorry you feel this way.
In reply to We are still on for sure:) by brotyfish
I wish you didn't, but I'm afraid your hurt may stay with you for a long time, possibly parts of it will remain forever. This is not something either of you will ever forget or think of without reliving a portion of this hurt and disappointment, But time will ease much of your current pain.
I hope that you can someday understand that despite all this, your husband loves you deeply. He needs and wants you. He wants to know that he's the best man for you, because right now he does not believe he is. He is insecure, questioning himself and doubting his every emotion. He is possibly scared of you doing it again, as being betrayed by your spouse is a horrid burden. I hope you can be grateful for the strength and grace he has needed to stay with you.
If you haven't, to might consider confessing this to him. It seems counterintuitive, but it is your turn to be vulnerable and honest in all your feelings, and that will bring more compassion and forgiveness to your husband's heart.
So true
We are almost one year past D-Day and I still need to forgive my H. There were times that I had to do it several times a day. Now not so much anymore; I've got my good days (majority) and my bad days (becoming less and less). I had always thought that forgiving was something you'd had to do once. So I felt guilty that it didn't 'work', until I realized that it's an ongoing thing, until you're truly healed.
Mara
First let me say that I am so
First let me say that I am so sorry for that family's loss. It's such a tradegy to lose a child.
Next, I want to say thank you. For years, I have struggled with the concept of forgiveness. Nobody could ever explain it to me in a way that I could understand.
I finally see that it's not a one time thing. It now all makes sense to me.
Maybe now I can work on making all my relationships better.
Thank you so very much.
Forgiveness IS a choice
It has been 10 months since discovering my husband's infidelity and although I claimed forgiveness, it was only recently that I truly began to understand what forgiveness commands of me. For so long, it was dependent upon his expression of regret. I "forgave" him, but felt no deliverance...that is, until I realized that forgiveness by its very nature is to forgive that which is unforgivable.
I realized that the forgiveness I depend on from my Maker is no different. I have had my own moments when I acted carelessly, and sometimes even callously... Sometimes being too foolish to anticipate the consequences, at other times underestimating the damage that might occur, and occassionally even imagining a worthwhile trade off. When I attempted to relate to my husband's humanness, that flawed reasoning that resulted in his transgression, It enabled me to feel some compassion. Anger comes easily when we've been hurt. The problem is that there is no end to it. Forgiveness is a choice. It is born from compassion... Understanding that we ALL need forgiveness.
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