Is Forgiveness Really Possible?

Several years ago, my friend, John, told me about a man who was struggling with forgiveness.

This man's wife had taken the two youngest of their four daughters to a friend's birthday party. Halfway through the birthday party, she received a call from their two teenage daughters saying they needed to be picked up from a high-school party that was getting out of hand. Wanting to get them out of a bad situation, she grabbed the two younger girls, loaded them into the car, and hurried over to get her older girls. She didn't waste any time on the road since she knew her teen girls would be standing at the curb, waiting for her to arrive. She was in the process of texting the mother of the younger child's birthday party to explain why she had taken her girls and left without saying goodbye when she felt the jolt of her car jumping a curb – she was distracted and had not seen the bend in the road. She looked up just in time to see her beautiful teen daughters go under her car.

Both died.

After the horrific accident, John tried for months to talk with his old friend, the dad of these girls. Each time he called him, his friend would say he wasn't ready to talk. Finally, he agreed to getting together.

John told me there were two things his friend shared that really struck him. First, John's friend realized the accident hadn't just taken the girls' lives but, somehow, had taken almost everything he treasured:

• It robbed the innocence of his two younger girls as they had witnessed the violent death of their two older sisters.
• It robbed the special intimacy he and his wife shared. She was so distraught by what she'd done, that she seemed incapable of connecting with him. The pain of that night invaded all their time together.
• It robbed him of a career he loved. He had been a pilot, but his job required travel three to four nights a week, and he now needed to stay home and take care of his family. He also confessed that he was so distracted and full of sorrow, that he wasn't even sure it would be safe for him to fly a plane.
• He lost his social community. He had many friends, but going out felt awkward, selfish, and painful. He was always afraid people would ask how he was doing, or worse, he was afraid they wouldn't ask about it at all.
• He lost his ability to financially support his family as he once had. Finding another job with the same level of pay was not possible – he had taken a 40% pay cut.
• The accident cost him his church because he didn't feel he could go there and pretend he and his family were fine. He was confused by how people seemed to go on as if nothing had happened.
• His belief that God is a loving God was not lost, but definitely in jeopardy!
• The accident had even cost him contact with his extended family. His parents were grieving and blamed his wife for the death of their two granddaughters. They refused to come visit if she was present.

The second thing John's friend shared was that in spite of all the things that he lost, he still understood Jesus' teaching that we should forgive "70 x 7" in a totally new light.¹ He shared how he had forgiven his wife the day his two oldest daughters died and has had to do so multiple times each day as the painful memories rolled across their lives. He vowed that he would continue to forgive her every day from now until eternity.

John told me, "I was so struck by the forgiveness statement and thought of all the couples you are helping through Hope-Now."

Forgiveness is not a one-and-done process when it comes to trauma and pain of this magnitude. For those who come from faith, they may identify with the parallel we can draw from the concept of baptism. The inner change is the beginning, not the end of the process of a deeply personal sanctification. For those who don't come from a faith background or a personal faith, what I'm trying to convey is that our healing is a process. It's layer upon layer of work that we must do in order to process our pain and heal, slowly but surely, one day at a time.

The similarities between what this man experienced and what those who are recovering from infidelity experience struck me. All of us have been betrayed on some level, and all of us have betrayed someone else on some level. I hope this example reminds us to never take the forgiveness extended to us by others for granted! If you're ready for change and looking for a process to walk you through this journey, I encourage you to sign up for our Harboring Hope registration is open. Find a safe community of people working toward the healing and support you desire. Click here https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope to learn more.