What Is the Cost of Forgiving Infidelity? Although there’s no undoing the hurt caused by infidelity, you can accept it and where your life is so you can begin to be free of it. Forgiveness is how you take back your power. Forgiveness is for you. In EMS Online and EMS Weekend, I talk a lot about forgiveness and how it’s a gift we give ourselves. When we fail to forgive, it can cast us as victims rather than victors in our own lives. As our true selves, forgiveness is a natural practice . As our false selves, the identity we can slide into after the trauma of infidelity, forgiveness doesn’t feel quite as natural. When we’re broken, our initial coping response is to seek justice. The truth of the matter is this: It’s not forgiveness if it’s contingent on justice. One of the ways couples can get to a better, new life together is through a commitment to forgiveness. In our broken state, forgiveness can be scary and challenging. Please understand that forgiveness does NOT mean forgetting. Additionally, your mate needs to be safe before you can forgive them. They need to take responsibility and say they were wrong. They need to be worthy of reconciliation. So what is forgiveness? I believe there are three key elements of forgiveness: Accepting that we’re all human and that we all fail sometimes. Agreeing to accept the costs of another person’s mistakes. Committing to not settle the score if your mate messes up. Attempting to settle the score isn't just unhealthy, but it may also elongate your pain. Forgiveness, true forgiveness, can be a rewarding and restorative act. But there are some costs associated with forgiveness. To put them into perspective, I’d like to share this story about Susan and Steve.* The Problem With Staying Angry About a year into her marriage to Steve, Susan's boss invited her to lunch. At the office, they'd connected on a deep level over their shared interests in music, philosophy and religion. What began as a platonic friendship blossomed into a romantic relationship. Susan believed her boss knew her better than her own husband. She started to believe that she married the wrong person, and she was convinced that her boss was her true love. Susan and her boss began an affair. Susan found it easy to justify her affair. She enjoyed the romance, passion and excitement that she had with her boss. This all came to a screeching halt when her boss suddenly resigned from his position and moved his family to another state. His wife had discovered the affair, and she threatened divorce unless he ended things immediately. Susan, on the other hand, kept the affair a secret from Steve. She was distraught and shattered. She believed she had a future with her boss, whereas her marriage was going nowhere. Not only that, she felt it lacked the love and attention she needed. Susan continued to contact her boss in search of answers, but she was shut down. "I want nothing to do with you," he firmly relayed. He shut the door. Instead of confessing to Steve and seeking forgiveness, Susan attempted to fill her emotional void with more affairs. She was living a secret life until, out of the blue, the phone rang; it was the wife of her former boss. "Your wife isn't who you think she is. Ask her about the affair she had with my husband. I told him if it happened again, I would no longer keep his secrets. I just discovered he's doing it again." She was coping with infidelity in a flurry of anger, rage and desire for justice. She believed that projecting her pain would make her feel better. It didn't. Instead, it caused her and others — in this case, Steve and Susan — more pain. It also didn't change her situation. Ultimately, by choosing to act out of rage instead of empathy, she stayed stuck in her hurt. In Susan's world, things began to crash down all around her. At first, she denied the affair; eventually, she came clean. She pleaded for forgiveness. She said she now realized she had married well, and that she loved the family she and Steve had created together. But for Steve, this was all new to him. This was his ground zero. He no longer trusted his current reality, his past, his future, his wife or even himself. For him, forgiving infidelity just didn't seem possible. I'm here to tell you that forgiveness is always possible. It isn't necessarily easy, but it's important when you're trying to move forward. The Cost of Forgiveness for the Betrayed Mate Whether you're the wayward or the betrayed mate, the path to true forgiveness comes with costs and, yes, pain. For the betrayed mate, these costs can be significant. Take Steve, for example. He had been a good husband and father. Although he was by no means perfect, he'd lived and loved well. For him, forgiveness meant violating his personal beliefs and values. He never would have chosen to be with someone who deceived him. Staying with Susan came at the cost of settling for something he didn't want. For betrayed mates, forgiving infidelity takes sacrifice. It means giving up all hope for a better past. It takes letting go of what you thought your relationship was and making peace with what it really is. It takes accepting that although this isn't the road you wanted to go down, this is your reality. By choosing to stay with the wayward partner, you're saying that you love them in spite of their brokenness and want to pave a better, brighter future with them. Understand that when you choose to stay, it can cost you your pride, self-respect and dignity. When you choose to forgive and stay with your mate, you're ultimately taking a leap of faith. It takes loving them unconditionally, even though it may cost you to do so. You have no way of knowing whether this will be the last time they make a fool of you. But to truly forgive them, you'll have to show them ongoing grace, compassion and support — even when they screw up. Forgiveness just isn't a one-time thing. The Benefits of True Forgiveness When I strayed from my marriage, my wife continued to love me even though I'd hurt her greatly. She extended me grace when I least deserved it. She helped me see that our marriage wasn't the problem but, rather, the problem was within me. She could have written me off and stayed angry at me for eternity — I wouldn't have blamed her! Instead, she stayed by my side. She helped me see what true love really was. Like Susan, I was seeking attention and admiration outside my marriage because I was broken. It wasn't easy for my wife to forgive me, but I'm blessed that she did. It cost her to do so but, in return, we now have a stronger marriage than we ever had before. I know firsthand that severe crises can lead to radical transformations. Again, forgiveness can feel unnatural and difficult when we’re broken. For the betrayed mate, forgiving infidelity may also come with these costs: Their reality might get interrupted with painful memories of the past. They might have to sacrifice their dignity, pride and dreams. When you truly forgive the betrayal, you can come out on the other side of your trauma. To get there, I recommend betrayed mates register in our Harboring Hope course. It's a safe place where you and other hurt mates will gain tools to accept the past, forgive the betrayal and build a new, brighter life. If you're the wayward mate, I recommend signing up for our Hope for Healing course. It's a safe place where you and other wayward mates can escape the isolation, shame and even apathy you might be trapped under. For your sake, I hope you'll try to embrace forgiveness — not anger — and take steps toward personal healing. If you find yourself stuck along the way, we at Affair Recovery are here to help. Please don't hesitate to reach out to us about any of our courses and programs at: info@hope-now.com. One of our knowledgeable and caring employees will get back to you as soon as possible. *The names and some of the details of this story were changed to protect the identities of those involved Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Space Is Limited! Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. "I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. I found Affair Recovery when I was at the darkest point in my life, and this course has helped me to get myself on a true path to recovery." — S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: How to ForgiveRelapse PreventionThe Role of EmpathyRL_Media Type: Text
