The Fight to Forgive Whenever I write about forgiveness, I’m always amazed at the outpouring of heartfelt comments. I grieve over the pain expressed by those who’ve been injured, and I pray that their mates will come to understand and appreciate the price they’ve paid on their behalf. After a betrayal, forgiveness is necessary for your own healing. It’s not an easy process, though, and it comes with its own set of challenges. The key challenge when forgiving infidelity is the ongoing consequences of the betrayal. Accepting the Ongoing Consequences of Betrayal When a rock is thrown into the still waters of a pond, shock waves travel outward from the point of impact in ever-expanding circles. Infidelity’s impact on a relationship is much the same. Unlike how forgiving hurtful words or inconsiderate actions are typically one-time, there-and-done events, forgiving infidelity isn’t as simple. It’s something that has to happen over time because of the ongoing consequences of the betrayal. Like that rock thrown into still waters, the impact of betrayal expands in ever-widening circles. Even when you transform your marriage into what you’ve always wanted, it’s possible for the consequences of the betrayal to continue interrupting your life. That’s why a critical aspect of forgiving infidelity has to include an agreement to accept the ongoing consequences of the wayward mate's betrayal. Some of these include: Intrusive thoughts. Unexpected triggers. Random painful reminders. Lingering mental images. Long after the infidelity, just the mention of the affair partner’s name might still be triggering for the betrayed mate. Anniversary dates might also serve as painful reminders of the betrayal, and the betrayed mate might even have trouble ridding themselves of vivid mental images. Calls or texts from the affair partner might also be triggering during the recovery journey. Knowing the Cost of Forgiving Ongoing Consequences It’s one thing to understand the ongoing consequences of betrayal, but it’s another thing to accept that they will likely happen and forgive them if they do. For many, this can be extremely challenging, but it’s crucial to surviving infidelity. Consider this story that a betrayed spouse shared with us, which has been edited for clarity: “Not one single day has gone by where I don’t think about what he did. Making love is almost impossible without visions and horrible thoughts overwhelming (me). The marriage bed … has been defiled. When you choose to reconcile instead of leave, (there’s) pain. I have chosen to stay and forgive over and over each day, and power through for my children and family. But the isolation is so intense because you see they don’t know; I protected their dad and their hero. (There’s an) intense cost and pain to stay and choose reconciliation; it’s a gut-wrenching challenge.” For her, each day presents reminders and, therefore, additional consequences of the betrayal to grieve and release. Each day, as these consequences invade her life, she has to keep choosing forgiveness. She could get angry, shake her fists and shout: “This is unfair. I did nothing to deserve this. I don’t accept this! This shouldn’t be happening to me.” But she doesn’t. She recognizes it for what it is, just another consequence, and chooses to grieve it in an attempt to move beyond it. While the pain can seem paralyzing, there is a way out of the agony. There is hope on the other side of this crisis, although it might be difficult to see right now. Realizing Ongoing Consequences Eventually Subside For her and many like her, forgiveness requires coming to a place of acceptance, where one can say, “It is what it is.” This is what we mean when we define forgiveness as “giving up all hope of a better past.” She learned that her own healing and recovery hinges on her ability to accept the ongoing consequences of betrayal as they come and, each time, choose to forgive them. The good news is that like the waves created by the rock cast into the pond, the consequences of betrayal eventually subside — but it takes time and intentionality. Eventually, if we choose to forgive and work through the consequences of betrayal, we come out on the other side of our own trauma. I can honestly say, I don’t know anyone who has truly grieved the betrayal who hasn’t eventually come to a place of peace. I stress the “truly grieved” person. Additionally, having safe people to talk with is essential as you strive to move forward. At the same time, a positive outcome for the relationship largely depends on the wayward mate taking responsibility for their actions. They must also display an understanding of the pain they’ve caused. This includes being remorseful for the harm done. Although it will be difficult when they’re first coming out of the fog, they’ll eventually need to take responsibility for their own healing and steps to ensure this doesn’t happen again. Taking Steps to Improve Your Situation After Betrayal To move forward, couples have to make a commitment to make things better — not worse. There must be an agreement to work through the issues and to create a safe environment for healing to occur. Both parties need to create goodwill by being respectful and considerate, allowing for positive moments together. It’s of the utmost importance that couples create a culture of teamwork, working together to face the trauma created by the betrayal. I can say, from my experience, that it’s incredibly challenging to create this type of culture on your own. That’s one of the reasons why we designed our free First Steps Bootcamp. This step-by-step process can help you go from, “What do I do now?” to, “What will the future look like?” On day one, you’ll learn the basics of infidelity recovery. As you continue, you’ll gain information on transforming your trauma and, ultimately, learning to accept and forgive the ongoing consequences of betrayal. Forgiving infidelity takes time and perseverance, but it is possible to forgive and build a new life — either as a couple or as an individual — that you’ll cherish. And you don’t have to do it alone. If you’re the betrayed mate, I encourage you to enroll in our Harboring Hope course. It’s a safe place where you and other betrayed mates of the same sex will work a curriculum specifically designed for your shared situation. Harboring Hope has helped thousands of participants rebuild their confidence, find their way through the darkness and embark on a new, brighter life. If you’re the wayward mate, I encourage you to enroll in our Hope for Healing course. It’s a safe place where you and other wayward mates can escape the isolation, shame and even apathy you might be trapped under. Hope for Healing has helped thousands of participants find freedom and understanding alongside others who've been in their shoes. What are you waiting for? Become a part of our healing community today. Registration for Harboring Hope Opens Soon! Space is limited. You don't have to do this alone! Join other betrayed mates on the path to healing with our life-changing Harboring Hope online course. Designed exclusively for betrayed spouses, Harboring Hope will guide you through the pitfalls and hardships following infidelity. But don’t just take our word for it. Read what others have to say about this healing course in these Harboring Hope testimonials. “My first call with Harboring Hope was incredibly emotional and hard to get through, but I was desperate and the women on the call were just like me: broken and looking for hope. I took comfort in this. I felt safe. The workbook and videos each week were full of wisdom, understanding and gentle guidance through the emotional roller coaster that is recovery. I am forever grateful for this organization, and for the men and women who have been through this before me, who shared their own stories to help others heal.” — A., New Jersey. Harboring Hope participant, January 2021. Register in Harboring Hope! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: How to ForgiveRL_Media Type: Text
