The Fight to Forgive Whenever I write about forgiveness, I’m always amazed at the outpouring of heartfelt comments. I grieve over the pain expressed by those who have been injured and pray your mates will come to understand and appreciate the price you’ve paid on their behalf. Because of the necessity of forgiveness after a betrayal for your own healing, I thought it important to talk about one of the key challenges of forgiving infidelity. Ongoing Consequences When it comes to reconciliation and forgiveness in marriage, the ongoing consequences of betrayal may present the most difficult challenge to forgiveness. When a rock is thrown into the still waters of a pond, shock waves travel outward from the point of impact in ever expanding circles. Infidelity’s impact is much the same. Frequently people question whether they’ve actually forgiven when they continue to struggle with something they chose to release. Most offenses we face in life, such as hurtful words or something stolen, are one-time events, but infidelity carries an additional element. The challenge of forgiving infidelity stems from the fact that it’s not just a one-time event; like that rock thrown into still waters, the impact of betrayal expands in ever widening circles. That’s precisely why a critical aspect of forgiving infidelity has to include an agreement to accept the ongoing consequences of your mate’s betrayal. Each time an intrusive thought interrupts a good moment it’s another consequence. Just the mention of the affair partner’s name can be another consequence. Anniversary dates present painful reminders creating yet other consequences. A call or text from the affair partner is another consequence. Mental images you can’t seem to rid yourself of is an ongoing consequence. Even when your marriage is transformed into what you’ve always wanted, betrayal’s consequences continue interrupting your life for a season. The Enormous Cost of Forgiveness Here is one of the comments from a recent article we posted: “This article is the best description of what the betrayed feels. I have re-read this several times and wept just to know someone understands and explained so well the intense cost, pain and gut wrenching challenge it is to stay and choose reconciliation. Not one single day has gone by where I don’t think about what he did. Making love is almost impossible without visions and horrible thoughts overwhelming you. In a world where so many women struggle with body image how in the world can one ever make the marriage bed special again. It has been defiled. It’s next to impossible....one has to compromise all their feelings and dreams of what a marriage is when you choose to reconcile instead of leave.... Pain...I have chosen to stay and forgive over and over each day and power through for my children and family. But the isolation is so intense because you see they don’t know and I protected their dad and their hero... For this woman, each day presents reminders and therefore additional consequences to grieve and release. Each day, as those consequences invade her life, she has to choose. Forgiveness in marriage, let alone the infidelity, has cost her so much. She can either rail against them, shaking her fist shouting, “This is unfair. I did nothing to deserve this. I don’t accept this! This shouldn’t be happening to me,” or she can recognize it for what it is, just another consequence, and choose to grieve it in an attempt to move beyond it. While the pain can seem paralyzing, there is a way out of the agony. There is hope on the other side of this crisis even though right now you may not see it. Consequences Eventually Subside For her and many like her, forgiveness requires coming to a place of acceptance where she can say, “it is what it is.” This is what we mean when we define forgiveness as “giving up all hope of a better past.” She has learned that her own healing and recovery hinges on her ability to accept each consequence as it comes her way and choose yet again to forgive, just as she has with the countless other consequences that have rocked her life as a result of her husband’s betrayal. The good news is, like the waves created by the rock cast into the pond, the consequences of betrayal, eventually subside, but it takes time and intentionality. Eventually, if we’ve chosen to forgive and choose to work through the consequences, we come to the other side of our own trauma. I can honestly say I don’t know anyone who has truly grieved the betrayal who hasn’t come to a place of peace. I stress the “truly grieved” person. However, having safe people to talk with is essential as you strive to move forward. At the same time, a positive outcome for the marriage largely depends on the one who was unfaithful taking responsibility for their actions and displaying an understanding of the pain they’ve caused. This includes being remorseful for the harm done. Although it will be difficult when they are first coming out of the fog, eventually they will need to take responsibility for their own healing and take steps to make sure this never happens again. Don’t Make It Worse To move forward, couples have to make a commitment to not make things worse. There has to be an agreement to work through the issues and to create a safe environment for healing to occur. Both parties need to create goodwill by being respectful and considerate, allowing for positive moments together. Creating a culture which allows the couple to work together as they face the trauma created by the betrayal is of utmost importance. I can say from experience that you won’t end up creating this type of culture on your own. You need support from a step-by-step process to get you there. Our free First Steps Bootcamp is available to walk you all the way from “what do I do now?” to “what will the future look like?” Forgiving infidelity takes time and perseverance, but it is possible to find a new life that you cherish and will forever protect. If you’re a betrayed spouse today, I’d like to invite you to enroll in our Harboring Hope course. It’s a safe place where you and other betrayed spouses can work a curriculum specifically designed to help you in your own recovery. Regardless of the future of the marriage, Harboring Hope will provide you with other same sex, betrayed spouses who are looking for new life, new support and a way through the darkness. I promise you, you can one day soon return to a whole person. Become a part of our healing community today. 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