Forgiving Infidelity: The Gift of Forgiveness If you're ready to start the journey of finding freedom and forgiveness, I hope you'll consider registering for EMS Weekend. This 3 day intensive is a safe place for you both to learn, grow and heal. Our 3-day weekend intensive for couples to heal after infidelity now offering $1,000 discount for virtual months during the pandemic. Limited availability. Sign Up Now! Long ago when I was first starting out in business, I had a friend who abused and misused me. The circumstance was simple. After committing to partner with me on a business plan, he told me he had found a more promising partner, took my idea and ran. In the blink of an eye, I was on the outside, crushed by the fickle state of relationships. What I felt then were the same base emotions many experience when first discovering infidelity (although the intensity absolutely pales in comparison to what Stephanie experienced with my own betrayal 34 years ago). At first I felt devastated and alone. I wondered what was wrong with me that he would choose another business partner? My pride felt destroyed and shame washed over me like a roaring river. Feelings of inadequacy and insecurity were my constant companions, and although I was very young, I knew enough to understand I hated what I felt and wanted nothing to do with him, or the feelings now associated with him. Would I ever find another business partner I could trust? Would anyone ever want to work with me again? Similar to forgiving infidelity, I didn't know where to start. Then I began to catch my emotional breath and gain perspective. No one was going to treat me that way. I found that each time I rode by his house, anger flooded my soul. I imagined hurting him in the same way he'd hurt me. I'd ignore him when we met in public. If we were both outside, I'd move to the other side of the street. If I encountered him in the store, I'd leave. If I saw him at church, I'd move to the other side of the room and pretend he wasn't there. I wanted to make sure he paid for what he'd done. I was going to make sure that I would never be treated that way again. If someone had suggested that I forgive him, I would have laughed, cursed or even thought them to be insane. In my mind he didn't deserve forgiveness. He deserved death, pain and suffering. The rage I felt was seductive in many ways but not at all helpful and provided no real comfort. I wasn't interested in getting even - I wanted to get ahead. I was sure that the antidote to bitterness was revenge. To Forgive or Not To Forgive? I find that to be a common belief. The incredible pain of the betrayal may create a nearly impossible situation for the betrayed. To forgive or not to forgive is where almost every betrayed spouse ends up. Overcome with a myriad of emotions, the mind of the betrayed is maxed out with paralyzing questions of whether or not to forgive. The betrayed spouse can be overwhelmed with questions like: If you forgive and give your mate what they want, what will keep them from doing it again? Will they have suffered enough or even long enough to discourage them from doing it again? Maybe I need to hold this over their head for the time being, in order for them to get the point? Bitterness and anger are the weapons used to inflict the pain necessary to discourage future indiscretions. By not forgiving infidelity, betrayed spouses may even notice their mate working harder to reconcile and gain forgiveness. But Is Forgiveness Losing Control? For many, granting the gift of forgiveness is their last point of control. How can you maintain safety once you release your anger and bitterness? What we fail to realize due to the overwhelming and practically incapacitating pain, is that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. For those who come from faith, the teachings of Jesus are very clear. Forgiveness is not optional, not even when it comes to forgiving infidelity. It is not for the benefit of the betrayer but is rather for the benefit of the offended that forgiveness is given. I learned this concept early on as a young man, yet the lesson has stayed with me for decades. I discovered that my unforgiveness affected me far more than my friend. As long as I held a grudge, he had control over my life. When I saw him, I had to alter my plans to make sure he knew I was still angry. I lost my peace. Just the very sight of him stirred deep emotions of hatred and ruined my day. It stole my joy. Nothing made me more miserable than seeing him living well while I still suffered. My unforgiveness served no good purpose other than to harm me, and in reality, I had already been harmed enough. Unforgiveness kept me blind to anything but my anger and the injustice I felt. If I was to heal, I needed to see clearly. Now, don't think for a moment I'm at any level suggesting that forgiving infidelity is quick or cheap. In fact, it's far more than the offender deserves. If I had this much trouble mustering forgiveness for a business partner--someone I had committed no more than a few months and some money to--I can't even imagine how much more difficult it is to forgive an unfaithful spouse, someone who vowed "till death do us part." Again, though, it is not for their sake that we forgive. For those that come from faith, we forgive for God's sake and for our own benefit and ultimate recovery. If you don't come from faith, forgiveness still sets you free and provides context for a life free from the desire for justice or vengeance. It's about finding freedom to get your life back again and move forward, despite the fact that your heart has been crushed. Bitterness and unforgiveness will never bring peace or joy and will most certainly frustrate any sense of hope for reconciliation and restoration. They are the poison I take to kill another. I'm also not saying that forgiving infidelity is synonymous with trust or reconciliation. I'm not even saying that the anger and hurt should be gone. The forgiveness I'm writing about is between you and God, where you (like Jesus) say "Father forgive them, they don't know what they're doing". It may seem as though they should be aware of what they are doing, but in reality, it's part of the fog they are enveloped in. They are just not in touch with the magnitude of what their choices have done, or are doing to you, the betrayed. Nevertheless, the most important type of forgiveness is about releasing them to God and allowing Him to forgive them through you. This is to set yourself free, not your mate. "See? You Have To Forgive Me!" If you are the betrayer, please don't use this to say to your mate "You have to forgive me". That's between them and God or themselves, and you demanding your spouse to forgive you will only intensify their feelings of hurt, pain, frustration, and anger. In fact, if you feel you need your mate's forgiveness in order for you to be ok, then I'd like to invite you to consider the possibility that your mate may be your god and their approval just might be out of balance in your own life. Those from whom we seek to gain forgiveness in order to find peace or to relieve our fears are the ones who we actually look to in order to fulfill us. One of the ways that I look at forgiveness is as a process, an event, and then a process on the other side. I believe we must sit down and prayerfully consider what it is we are really forgiving. Numerous losses are experienced with betrayal: loss of the idea of who are mate is, loss of hope for the future, loss of friendships – the list goes on and on. Ultimately, it involves no longer holding the other in indebtedness to us for what they have done. One definition of forgiveness is "Giving up all hope of having a better past." The event of forgiveness can be freeing for us. The process on the other side of the event is to remember that I have forgiven the particular offense when bad feelings pop into my mind or when the person does something else hurtful in the present. If you'd like to learn more about the gift of forgiveness, I'd strongly encourage you to sign up for our Harboring Hope course. It's a gentle yet effective way to start your own journey back to healing and restoration, as a betrayed spouse. You'll find community, expert curriculum tools necessary to get your life back. Harboring Hope registration opens monthly. Subscribe to be notified. *Note* It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it! Subscribe Now! 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