To fully comprehend infidelity, we must acknowledge and understand many different influential components, not the least of which is secrecy. Secrecy plays a huge role in the wayward spouse's absence of guilt when violating commitments or morals. "No blood, no foul," right? When people pursue a course of action that benefits them but harms others, they try to minimize the consequences or altogether avoid looking at the harm they've caused. If minimization fails to work, then they will distort the consequences or choose not to believe the evidence. "As long as the harmful results of one's conduct are ignored, minimized, distorted, or disbelieved, there is little reason for self-censure to be activated."¹

It takes a brave stubbornness to stay the course of truly believing you will never get caught. It's easier to harm others when their potential suffering is invisible or out of mind. On the other hand, when people have to witness the distress and pain they've caused, they tend to stay more aligned (or get realigned) with their beliefs and values.

Living in today's world requires more integrity than ever before. Mechanisms of social censure have vanished overnight. Once upon a time, porn was found at the corner drug store, and the odds of being seen viewing the magazines' offerings came with the risk of exposure. The risk of disappointing and hurting loved ones served as an inhibitor to many who were tempted. In the past, the town gossip served as an inhibitor to moral violations. It's not so easy to violate what you profess to believe if you run the risk of becoming fodder for the rumor mill and destroying those you love.

Today, minimizing the severity of almost any type of betrayal is easier than ever. The advent of social media apps and websites promoting discrete affairs all create an illusion that infidelity is just a game. To the person using minimization, the level of upset and ongoing reactions displayed by their mate can seem way over the top. If it isn't something that seems like a big deal to me, then why should it be a big deal to my mate? This sort of thinking shows how minimization strips the unfaithful spouse of empathy and erects concrete barriers to healing. Minimizing the injurious effects of betrayal allows the unfaithful spouse to see the betrayed spouse as the one with the problem.

In reality, it's a huge deal when someone is betrayed, but telling yourself that no one will ever know or minimizing the cost of betrayal will allow the suspension of your morals and create a path for you to do things you never dreamed you'd do. Commitments are a big deal, and the impact of infidelity is extreme. The unfaithful spouse needs to have the integrity to examine their beliefs about betrayal. If, from their perspective, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, then they are already distorting the consequences and placing themselves at risk.

Integrity stays true to commitments even when no one is watching. If you believe that statement to be true but you're someone whose actions violate their beliefs, then you need to explore what rationalizations you're using for your behavior. As a man once told Shirley Glass, "On a good day, when things are going well, I'm committed to my wife. On a day when things are just okay, I'm committed to my marriage. And on a day when things aren't so great, I satisfy myself by being committed to my commitments." If you have gotten away from yourself in this way, I hope you'll consider re-centering your life around your commitments. Perhaps it feels too late. It's never too late!

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