Series: How Could You?

Out of Sight Out of Mind

Secrecy plays a huge factor in the absence of guilt when violating commitments or morals. No blood no foul, right? When people pursue a course of action that benefits them but harms others they try to avoid looking at the harm they’ve caused or they minimize the consequences. If minimization fails to work then they will distort the consequences or choose not to believe the evidence.

“As long as the harmful results of one's conduct are ignored,

minimized, distorted, or disbelieved,

there is little reason for self-censure to be activated” (Bandua 1999)

It’s easier to harm others when their potential suffering isn’t visible or is out of mind. It takes a strong sense of commitment to stay the course of truly believing you will never get caught. On the other hand, when people have to witness the distress and pain they’ve caused and are made aware of the high cost of their actions, people will tend to act according to their beliefs and values.

“Integrity is not a conditional word. It doesn't blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a man who won't cheat, then you know he never will. Integrity is not a search for the rewards of integrity. Maybe all you ever get for it is the largest kick in the ass the world can provide. It is not supposed to be a productive asset.”

John D. MacDonald

The Age of Minimization

Living in today’s world requires more integrity than ever before. Mechanisms of social censure have vanished overnight. Once upon a time porn was at the corner drug store and the odds of being seen viewing the magazines offerings came with the risk of exposure. The risk of disappointing and hurting loved ones served as an inhibitor to many who were tempted. In the past the town gossip served as an inhibitor to moral disengagement. It’s not so easy to violate what you profess to believe if you run the risk of becoming fodder for the rumor mill and destroying those you love.

Today, minimizing the severity of betrayal is easier than ever. The advent of the internet, texting and what feels like endless apps and websites promoting discrete affairs create an illusion that it’s all just a game of escape. If it isn’t something that seems like a big deal because to you it meant nothing, why should it be a big deal to your mate? To the person using minimization, the level of grief, disappointment and rage displayed by their mate can seem way over the top. Minimization strips the unfaithful spouse of empathy and erects concrete barriers to healing. Minimizing the injurious effects of betrayal and allows the unfaithful spouse to see the betrayed spouse as the one with the problem. Take these popular phrases often used to paint a picture of minimization:

1. Why can’t they just get over it and move on?
2. It meant nothing to me, why is it such a big deal to you?
3. I asked you to forgive me, what’s your problem?
4. Can we just move on to bigger, more important issues in our marriage?
5. My affair is not the core issue: there were bigger issues going on before I cheated. Those are the issues we need to discuss.

In reality it’s a huge deal when someone is betrayed, but telling yourself no one will ever know or minimizing the cost of betrayal will allow the suspension of your morals and create a path for you to do things you never dreamed you’d do. Commitments are a big deal. As the unfaithful spouse, have the integrity to examine your beliefs about betrayal. If from your perspective, it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal then you are already distorting the consequences and placing yourself at risk.

Stay Committed To Your Commitments

As many of you know from personal experience, the impact of infidelity is extreme. Integrity stays true to commitments even when no one is watching. If you believe that statement to be true but you’re someone who violates their beliefs, then you need to explore what rationalizations you’re using to violate your beliefs.

As a man once told Shirley Glass:

I hope we’ll all remain true to our commitments. If you’re looking for a safe, expert driven place to recalibrate your recovery efforts, look no further than our EMS Weekend. It’s not only a safe place, it’s the very place you’ll find compassion, direction and expert care for even the toughest of situations. You don’t have to do this alone and you don’t have to continue to suffer silently. Our therapists have personally survived infidelity and can help you make decisions based upon decades of personal experience treating and caring for those in crisis.