Series: Why Did They Cheat?

“I love you,

but I’m not in love with you.” 

It’s one of the most devastating statements a spouse can make to their mate. The reasoning behind the statement is not only flawed, but is coming from an irrational state of mind. I hear this statement so often, I decided I needed to explain what your spouse is referring to when they mention being “in love” (spoiler: it’s not at all love) and to dissect what they are really saying.

Remember that feeling of falling in love? We feel renewed and invigorated. The volume control on all our senses is cranked to high. Smells, music, colors, tastes and even textures take on new dimensions. The theater of our mind plays only one film, that of being with our eternal source of life. Simultaneously, a heartfelt ache consumes our soul when separated from what we know is our source of true happiness. In this state, hope springs eternal. As a caterpillar is transformed to a butterfly, we too are transformed and with new wings we soar into a fresh newness of life.

What are the magic elements of this elixir of life? There are three neurotransmitters primarily responsible for the natural high of love: dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin.

Serotonin

Serotonin is the neurotransmitter believed to be responsible for mood stabilization, appetite, sleep, motivation, social behavior, memory, and sexual desire and function. Some researchers believe that low levels of serotonin are responsible for conditions such as depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive thought. On a day to day basis, how we function seems to be largely determined by serotonin levels.

Dopamine

The initial excitement created by testosterone and estrogen triggers the release of dopamine. Dopamine is the primary player in what’s known as the reward/pleasure centers of our brain, and it’s this brain chemical (along with norepinephrine) that creates the incredible high we experience when we fall in love. Creating an amazing high is not dopamine’s only function. Not only does it spot activities that bring intense pleasure, but it creates an intense drive to experience that same pleasure again and again.

Research shows that the intense feelings generated by the high arousal state of an extramarital affair are the byproduct of the release of dopamine, which then labels that experience as pleasurable and creates a “habit loop” (reward center) to assure we’ll repeat the necessary routine to achieve the reward of that pleasurable experience. Long after an affair ends, that habit loop can be triggered and the urge to repeat that routine to experience that reward can still occur. In no way does that mean relapse is imminent, but it takes time for the intensity of these memories to fade and to lose the desirability programmed by the dopamine.¹

Not only is dopamine the messenger telling us what feels good, but other research suggests it also tells what’s important to pay attention to in order to survive. The more intense the emotional experience, the stronger the drive to recreate that experience for our very survival.

Think about that for a moment…..

Dopamine creates an intense need, similar to a drug addiction, which tells the brain you must have that pleasurable experience to survive. This explains why individuals involved in high arousal relationships become so oblivious to the damage being done to those they love and to themselves.²

It’s Like A Drug

Remember, I’m not making excuses for those who’ve been unfaithful. These are the same chemical reactions cocaine addicts and alcoholics face when coming off their drug of choice. My purpose in explaining the chemical realities of infidelity are to let those involved in high arousal relationships know that what they’re feeling isn’t love. It’s a series of intense and intoxicating chemical reactions being created in the limbic system of our brains and it’s only going to last for so long before it progresses to a different kind of experience. My second purpose is to inform the betrayed spouses on the kind of dysfunction your mate is experiencing. Not to excuse it, but to relieve you of any illusion of comparing yourself to the AP. That would be like saying to an alcoholic, “Why can’t I make you feel as good as liquor makes you feel?” It’s apples to oranges.

Norepinephrine (adrenaline)

The third neurotransmitter, norepinephrine, is the final contributor to what we call “being in love.” Norepinephrine, also known as adrenaline, is the excitatory neurotransmitter. It causes us to experience heightened sensations. It’s the chemical that makes life seem more vibrant, even though nothing really changed but the level of norepinephrine flowing down the nerve cells to the parts of our brain that create those heightened sensations. It’s norepinephrine that creates the rush you feel when scared or excited. If you think about it, it’s the same rush you felt with your first kiss. That rush of excitement and emotions does not mean it’s love, it’s just norepinephrine. At this point in the unfaithful spouse’s chemical reality, they are probably feeling hooked by the intensity of emotions and their ability to discern what is real from what is fantasy is highly skewed.

Jumper Cables

With the foundation laid we can now begin talking about the forces behind high arousal relationships. To jump-start a car there has to be an additional source of power flowing through the electrical system. In the same way, high arousal relationships receive a jump-start from hormones released when they find someone with the qualities they’re drawn to. That initial jump-start creates the amazing cascade of neurotransmitters.

As the dopamine and norepinephrine increase, the person caught in the web of these feelings begins to feel alive in ways they haven’t for years. Increased levels of norepinephrine light up senses that seemed to have been lost forever. Increased levels of dopamine trigger intense emotions they most likely haven’t experienced since adolescence. Not only that, but a habit loop is created to cause us to continually pursue that intense emotion. It also informs the more primitive parts of the brain that it’s as important to pay attention to this as it is to breathing because it’s become a major component to what our brain believes we need to survive.

One would think, with the euphoria created by the increased levels of dopamine and norepinephrine that levels of serotonin would also be up since serotonin is responsible for happiness: surprisingly, the opposite is true. The euphoria this person is experiencing has nothing to do with happiness or finding their soul mate, but rather an intense chemical high. The stress created by higher levels of dopamine interfere with the brains ability to absorb serotonin and the drop of serotonin results in increased obsessiveness, making it even more difficult for the person caught in this web to extricate themselves from the situation. Additionally, with lowered serotonin levels, if the high arousal relationship is terminated or if the dopamine runs its course and stops providing the desired high, depression is sure to follow.

Advice for Betrayed Spouses

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” That statement embodies the high arousal state created by the stage one chemical cocktail. Trying to talk sense to someone in this state is nearly impossible, because they’re not concerned with what makes sense. There’s a good chance they already know it’s crazy and they can’t even convince themselves to stop. Remember, they feel they can’t survive without the one they believe is bringing them this new found life. It’s hard for them to see that it’s the opposite. Most likely they are willing to sacrifice everything to keep from losing their new high.

It’s imperative at this stage of such chemical entanglement that we are strategic in the approach taken towards sobering up the unfaithful spouse. One size does not fit all and we can’t simply bonk them on the head and hope they wake up. Freedom is possible, but it will take a process oriented approach to unlock the truth and help this disentangle. 

Yes: There Is Hope

It’s not impossible to break free from this type of relationship, but it’s every bit as difficult as an alcoholic getting sober. You have to be willing to do whatever it takes. It will probably never be something you feel like doing without some sort of expert, third party support system.  Breaking free requires cutting off the relationship with the other person and allowing the intensity of the chemical reaction to fade. You need a community of others like yourself who understand and you need the right steps to find freedom and clarity. Our EMS Weekend can start the process and pave the way to long term healing and relapse prevention. If you’d like to know more about our weekend or the process we use to help couples heal, please call 888-527-2367 or email us.

1. “Drug addiction and the brain: effects of dopamine on addiction.” Harvard Health Publications. Harvard University. Jan 2007. Web. 28 July, 2014.
2. McGowan, Kat. “Addiction: Pay Attention.” Psychology Today. 01 Nov, 2004. Web. 28 July 2014.