Why She Cheats For the sake of clarity, I’d like to share a few of my observations as to why women have affairs. Typically the driving forces for a woman’s affair differ from that of a man. The first part of this series will review common justifications used by women and the second part will focus on risk factors that make women vulnerable. Understanding the reason behind infidelity is crucial to recovery. Without a basic understanding of why someone cheated it’s difficult for the betrayed spouse to determine the probability of future safety. The task of understanding the “why” behind their mate’s infidelity is further complicated by gender difference. One of the biggest mistakes betrayed spouses fall prey to is mistakenly assuming their mate’s motivations for cheating are similar to what their motivations would be, and usually that’s clearly not the case. Assumed similarities are the primary barrier to understanding the “why” someone was unfaithful. This series is intended to bring clarity to the characteristics common to women yet also continue to shed light on the complexity of affair recovery. Over the past 24 months, my staff and I have seen a sharp increase in the number of unfaithful females who are reaching out for help. I also hope this series will serve as a warning sign for those who have actually been betrayed, but are also at risk for acting out with an affair of their own. One of our sayings at Affair Recovery is: My mate is never my problem (that is not to say my mate doesn’t have serious problems), my mate really just reveals the problems in me. Two people can be in a bad marriage and only one will cheat. The following poem is an example of a common justification used by women. But, before you read it, please understand the scenario described below may be true, and it may be painful, but situations like this simply do NOT justify an affair. Other choices are always readily available: AN UNFAITHFUL WIFE TO HER HUSBAND Branded and blackened by my own misdeeds I stand before you; not as one who pleads For mercy or forgiveness, but as one, After a wrong is done, Who seeks the why and wherefore. Go with me Back to those early years of love, and see Just where our paths diverged. You must recall Your wild pursuit of me, outstripping all Competitors and rivals, till at last You bound me sure and fast With vow and ring. I was the central thing In all the Universe for you just then. Just then for me, there were no other men. I cared Only for tasks and pleasures that you shared. Such happy, happy days. You wearied first. I will not say you wearied, but a thirst For conquest and achievement in man's realm Left love's barque with no pilot at the helm. The money madness, and the keen desire To outstrip others, set your heart on fire. Into the growing conflagration went Romance and sentiment. Abroad you were a man of parts and power-- Your double dower Of brawn and brains gave you a leader's place; At home you were dull, tired, and commonplace. You housed me, fed me, clothed me; you were kind; But oh, so blind, so blind. You could not, would not, see my woman's need Of small attentions; and you gave no heed When I complained of loneliness; you said "A man must think about his daily bread And not waste time in empty social life-- He leaves that sort of duty to his wife And pays her bills, and lets her have her way, And feels she should be satisfied." Each day Our lives that had been one life at the start, Farther and farther seemed to drift apart. Dead was the old romance of man and maid. Your talk was all of politics or trade. Your work, your club, the mad pursuit of gold Absorbed your thoughts. Your duty kiss fell cold Upon my lips. Life lost its zest, its thrill, Until One fateful day when earth seemed very dull It suddenly grew bright and beautiful. I spoke a little, and he listened much; There was attention in his eyes, and such A note of comradeship in his low tone, I felt no more alone. There was a kindly interest in his air; He spoke about the way I dressed my hair, And praised the gown I wore. It seemed a thousand, thousand years and more Since I had been so noticed. Had mine ear Been used to compliments year after year, If I had heard you speak As this man spoke, I had not been so weak. The innocent beginning Of all my sinning Was just the woman's craving to be brought Into the inner shrine of some man's thought. You held me there, as sweetheart and as bride; And then as wife, you left me far outside. So far, so far, you could not hear me call; You might, you should, have saved me from my fall. I was not bad, just lonely, that was all. A man should offer something to replace The sweet adventure of the lover's chase Which ends with marriage, Love's neglected laws Pave pathways for the "Statutory Cause." Ella Wheeler Wilcox Written around 1885 Little has changed in the last 135 years. For this woman, her husband’s neglect made her vulnerable to another’s affection, but even so, that’s no excuse for infidelity. If that were the case every married person, at some point in the marriage, could find a justification for infidelity. Below, are two videos from our members only Q & A where I address two specific questions unfaithful spouses have recently submitted. I hope you enjoy the videos as they’ll provide insight into the infidelity-specific questions we discuss throughout our Hope for Healing course. World Voices by Ella Wheeler Wilcox New York : Hearst's International Library Company, 1916. Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Recovery FundamentalsWhy They Did ItRL_Media Type: Text
