Common Justifications for Why Women Cheat Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples. Sign Up Now! Understanding the reason behind infidelity is crucial to recovery. Without a basic understanding of why someone cheated, it's difficult for the betrayed spouse to determine the probability of future safety. The task of understanding the "why" behind their mate's infidelity is further complicated by gender difference. One of the biggest mistakes betrayed spouses fall prey to is mistakenly assuming their mate's motivations for cheating are similar to what their motivations would be, and that's usually not the case. Assumed similarities are the primary barrier to understanding the "why" someone was unfaithful. Over the past few years, my staff and I have seen a sharp increase in the number of unfaithful females who are reaching out for help. I also hope this article serves as a warning sign for those who have actually been betrayed, but are also at risk for acting out with an affair of their own. One of our sayings at Affair Recovery is, "My mate is never my problem (that is not to say my mate doesn't have serious problems), my mate only reveals the problems in me." As many betrayed spouses will attest, two people can be in a bad marriage and only one will cheat. Why women cheat is not that dissimilar to why men cheat. It can stem from: Developmental Trauma Sexual Trauma Grandiosity/Entitlement Existential Crisis Abuse Reenactment Bad Company Revenge Limerence And many other reasons. Whether the partner who strayed is male or female, my warning to those who have been betrayed is to be careful about assuming you know their reason. Odds are, the person who strayed doesn't know all the "Why's" behind their actions, and if they don't know, you certainly don't know. My encouragement to both parties is to assume you don't know and be curious. For the wayward spouse, I'd suggest finding a qualified therapist who can help you to identify contributing factors and find new strategies to remain safe. Another suggestion is to participate in our course for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing - working with others in that program often provides unique insight into your motivations and behaviors. Below are two examples of what women believed to be contributing factors. First is the story of one of our mentor couples. Second is a poem written over 130 years ago. The following poem is an example of a common justification used by women. *Before reading the following poem let me say that her reason does NOT justify an affair. Other choices are ALWAYS readily available. I honestly believe that if I had had the opportunity to work with this person, most likely she would have discovered that the survival strategies she carried with her from childhood into the marriage also contributed to her actions. World Voices A wayward wife to her husband Branded and blackened by my own misdeeds I stand before you; not as one who pleads For mercy or forgiveness, but as one, After a wrong is done, Who seeks the why and wherefore. Go with me Back to those early years of love, and see Just where our paths diverged. You must recall Your wild pursuit of me, outstripping all Competitors and rivals, till at last You bound me sure and fast With vow and ring. I was the central thing In all the Universe for you just then. Just then for me, there were no other men. I cared Only for tasks and pleasures that you shared. Such happy, happy days. You wearied first. I will not say you wearied, but a thirst For conquest and achievement in man's realm Left love's barque with no pilot at the helm. The money madness, and the keen desire To outstrip others, set your heart on fire. Into the growing conflagration went Romance and sentiment. Abroad you were a man of parts and power-- Your double dower Of brawn and brains gave you a leader's place; At home you were dull, tired, and commonplace. You housed me, fed me, clothed me; you were kind; But oh, so blind, so blind. You could not, would not, see my woman's need Of small attentions; and you gave no heed When I complained of loneliness; you said "A man must think about his daily bread And not waste time in empty social life-- He leaves that sort of duty to his wife And pays her bills, and lets her have her way, And feels she should be satisfied." Each day Our lives that had been one life at the start, Farther and farther seemed to drift apart. Dead was the old romance of man and maid. Your talk was all of politics or trade. Your work, your club, the mad pursuit of gold Absorbed your thoughts. Your duty kiss fell cold Upon my lips. Life lost its zest, its thrill, Until One fateful day when earth seemed very dull It suddenly grew bright and beautiful. I spoke a little, and he listened much; There was attention in his eyes, and such A note of comradeship in his low tone, I felt no more alone. There was a kindly interest in his air; He spoke about the way I dressed my hair, And praised the gown I wore. It seemed a thousand, thousand years and more Since I had been so noticed. Had mine ear Been used to compliments year after year, If I had heard you speak As this man spoke, I had not been so weak. The innocent beginning Of all my sinning Was just the woman's craving to be brought Into the inner shrine of some man's thought. You held me there, as sweetheart and as bride; And then as wife, you left me far outside. So far, so far, you could not hear me call; You might, you should, have saved me from my fall. I was not bad, just lonely, that was all. A man should offer something to replace The sweet adventure of the lover's chase Which ends with marriage, Love's neglected laws Pave pathways for the "Statutory Cause."1 Ella Wheeler Wilcox Written around 1885 As I said above, I doubt her husband's neglect is the only contributing factor, and it's not a viable excuse. If it were, then every situation in which a partner feels neglected would serve as a justification for infidelity. But it does pull back the curtain and reveal this woman's thoughts. In closing, I don't think there's a simple answer as to why women cheat. It's complicated, but I know healing and transformation are possible for both partners and for the marriage if you're willing to do the work. Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples. This isn't another light-and-fluffy program that only scratches the surface of your pain. The EMS Weekend Experience is a safe space for you and your partner to start putting the pieces of your life back together, transform your trauma and begin healing from infidelity. Skeptical about the effectiveness of this experience? Don't be! Backed by a slew of previous participant testimonials, EMS Weekend delivers results month after month for countless couples. During EMS Weekend, we won't shame the unfaithful spouse nor blame the betrayed spouse. What we will do is pair you with a small community of other couples and an expert therapist - all of whom have experienced infidelity firsthand - as well as provide comprehensive resources to help you kick-start your healing journey. Sign Up Now! World Voices by Ella Wheeler Wilcox. New York : Hearst's International Library Company, 1916. 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