How Could You? Part I: Why We Commit Betrayal With Infidelity
How Could You? A Six Part Series on Why We Commit Betrayal with Infidelity
Part 1: Why We Commit Betrayal With Infidelity
Part 2: The Thought Processes That Lead to Betrayal
Part 3: Moral Justifications
Part 4: Doublespeak and Distorted Comparisons
Part 5: The Secrecy Factor
Part 6: Dehumanization and Blame
Two weeks ago, a woman screamed at her mate, "How could you?" She went on to scream more of the same questions we're probably all pretty familiar with by now: "How could you do this to our family? How could you jeopardize all that we've built together and worked for? How could you put the family at risk? How could you do this to not only me, but to yourself?"
I remember, as the tears ran down her face, and he hung his head in shame. I asked myself "Why would you?" From all reports, he was a decent guy and she was a good woman. They seemed to have it all: beautiful children, a comfortable lifestyle, yet he had done something neither of them ever imagined would happen. Why?
Did he lack character? Was there something amiss in his moral development? Perhaps there was some sort of deep childhood wound at the core of his betrayal? Even so, I'm sure countless others have suffered similar wounds and they have not betrayed their mates with infidelity.
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Learn More | Harboring HopeBetraying Their Own Morality
There is a looming question that I'd like to begin to unpack and address over the next few weeks.
It's not just the question of how does someone commit a betrayal of infidelity on their mate, but also how do they betray their own sense of morals and values? How do they suspend what was once a core value held dear to them, and allow themselves to have an affair or engage in behavior that once would have repulsed them?
In 1961, psychologist Stanley Milgram1 sought to discover the personality profile of those individuals in Nazi Germany who had marched millions of Jews, Poles, and others they deemed as misfits of their society into the gas chambers. Social psychologists estimated that only 1.2 percent of the population would fit that profile. To identify these individuals, an obedience experiment was conducted. Subjects were told they were part of an experiment determining the effectiveness of negative reinforcement in learning. Their role was to administer an electrical shock to a student in the adjacent room each time the student failed to supply the correct answer to a problem, and each time the student failed, the voltage of the shock would increase. While the subject couldn't see the student, they could hear a recording of what they assumed was the student in the next room, screaming and begging them to stop.
To begin, the subjects being tested were given a 45-volt shock as an example of what the first shock would feel like to the student upon missing the problem. They were also told the student had a heart problem, but the electrical shock would pose no danger to the student. With each missed problem, the subject flipped the switch as the voltage continued to climb. (Remember, the student was not actually being shocked; the subject was led to believe the student was being shocked.) Many of the subjects paused at 135 volts and questioned the purpose of the experiment. If the voltage level exceeded 315 volts, the subject would hear nothing but silence, and he or she would still be expected to flip the switch when a wrong answer was given.
If at any time the subject tried to stop the experiment, a scientist in a lab jacket would inform him the experiment required him to continue. This was done up to four times. If the subject requested to stop the experiment a fifth time, the scientist would stop the experiment. Otherwise, the experiment stopped only after subject had given the maximum voltage of 450 volts!
Justifying Evil as Normal
Milgram believed that he would have to go through several hundred subjects to find those few individuals with an evil-enough profile to carry out such (seeming) torture. As it turned out, 65 percent of the subjects inflicted the maximum level of shock! Milgram had not found a few sociopaths who would give their souls to a totalitarian and brutal cause as expected; rather, he found a potential monster in the majority of those tested!
Why would "normal" American citizens act in the same way as Nazi guards who actively participated in putting millions to death? Why do we place such a premium on the approval of others even when they are strangers?
Some of you may be asking what this has to do with infidelity, but if a majority of "normal" people in Milgram's experiment were able to suspend their own sense of humanity to the point where they believed they may have killed someone, is it too far-fetched to see how individuals might also commit a betrayal of epic proportions?
Over the next several weeks, we'll explore the process of moral disengagement and how individuals abandon what they believe, betray their loved ones, and allow themselves to act in ways they never thought imaginable. We'll also look at ways to stay true to what you believe, or to regain that moral compass and trust yourself again.
If you find yourself in a situation where the unimaginable has occurred, there is hope for recovery and for understanding. Take advantage of our Affair Recovery resources that will accompany you on this journey. It doesn't have to be something you go through alone. We have multiple online resources for you to look into: Harboring Hope and Hope Rising for betrayed spouses, our free First Steps Bootcamp for individuals and couples, and our EMS Online course for couples. If you're in crisis and want to accelerate your healing, join us at our EMS Weekend.
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Comments
sometimes there is no core
sometimes there is no core moral value that would prohibit any acts that are counter to the vows spoken during the wedding ceremony. However if the other spouse does have these moral values, the betrayal is that much more devastating.
Nit the right argument
This experiment was done to judge what people do under someone they deem as authoritative over them. It was their choice to have an affair. No one made them. This is just excuses….
Could you please edit out the faux pas?
I'm sure he didn't mean it the way it came out, but what he says is: Jews, Poles, homosexuals and other societal misfits. Would you please edit out the word "other"? Thanks.
In the middle of it now--need advice!
Hi all, thank you for posting your experiences--they are tremendously helpful. My wife and I have been married for 7 years and I'm currently 5 weeks out from D-day and struggle daily with my wife's emotional affair. I'm grateful the affair is/was short lived as they only professed their "undying love" for each other roughly 6 weeks prior to her reveal.
It seems to me that longer term affairs are more difficult to sever so I'm more fortunate than many. They also only knew each other for a short time prior to making the emotional connection with the AP so I'm grateful for that as well. In addition, they are geographically separated and can only communicate via social media at this point. Finally, she revealed they had only kissed and on only one occasion. I would usually take this with a grain of salt, but it has been independently confirmed by others with whom she spoke to for advice, etc. so I feel comfortable believing this fact for now. Overall, there are some positives here--as much as anything like this can be construed as a positive in this situation, but we must take what we can . . .
When she revealed the affair to me she was unapologetic, unremorseful and used the tired lines "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore" and "The heart wants what the heart wants" (which, to me, sounds a lot like "It costs what it costs" but I digress). She said she was absolutely done with the marriage, that most children do great after a divorce, and that she's found her soulmate. But I'm sure all of this sounds very familiar to all of you!! Man, it's like cheaters all tap the same phrasebook! Anyway, she was adamant it was over, her heart was fully hardened and well-shielded by walls I had no hope of penetrating, and I feel she really meant it when she said she was D.O.N.E.
Naturally, I was profoundly heartbroken and shellshocked but instinct and luck prevented me from yelling or showing anger or doing many of the things others have done which only serve to further damage the relationship and stall or even prevent repair. I calmly accepted what she said, asked what I thought were pertinent questions at the time (lol, who knows if they were pertinent or not, probably not!), and when we got off the phone I began what I call Project Marriage. I started going to church, spoke with my attorney (great advice from him: don't do anything for 3 weeks! And he was spot on!), began counseling, sought out family and friends to talk with, read self help books, watched self help videos, scoured the internet for anything and everything I could find that would help me to educate myself about me, her, and our situation.
The next two weeks were a whirlwind. I'm a strong man. I've had many deep difficulties in my life and have come through renewed and more able. I haven't cried since I was a child. Well, I cried over this. A lot. Other times I laughed. I went from asking God why has He done this to me to thanking Him for trusting me with the challenge. It's just been such an emotional rollercoaster. I cried at the most inopportune times; driving down the road, at the checkout counter, talking with my credit card company, reading to my daughter at night, making pancakes.
I think the scooping out of my soul was the worst part. I wasn't even angry. Just hollow. Just numb. Again, I'm so grateful it wasn't worse. She could have slept with him (I know this remains to be seen), or gotten an STD, or pregnant, or killed. Things could always be worse. What really affected me was the loss of innocence and simple faith in a largely faithless world. I was a faithful fool for her and don't regret it at all but that will be gone forever. Definitely with her and likely with others. I will probably have a somewhat jaded heart for the rest of my life because of what she's done. Innocence lost is such a tragedy. It feels like in order to reach my wife I'd have to dip my hand into a scum of sewage floating on top of a pool of what was once pure water. How do I do this without fouling myself in the process? How do I clean myself after? I knew others had been successful in rebuilding their marriage so I would have to be faithful and follow their lead. If they can do it I can do it.
To be blindsided by the betrayal was almost more than I could bear. Almost. I had worked myself to death getting her prepped for a career change at the expense of my own career. I thought we were were stressed but that our marriage was fundamentally solid. My daughter was a Godsend at this time. She has no idea of what's going on but I can stay strong for her. I would ask myself how could my wife turn her back on me? On her own daughter? Why no remorse? How can she not want to ask for forgiveness? Well, limerence is a hell of a thing! I understand compartmentalization and cognitive dissonance but to have it directed toward you is heart rending. How can a reasonable person act so unreasonably? Just shaking my head. Affair fog is a thing. I do believe she's fighting at allowing herself to examine what she's done as the guilt, remorse, and pain will likely overwhelm her. That's a part of her nature and she's in for a very hard ride.
Ok, back to the story. A few days after D-day I wrote her a heartfelt letter to which she graciously responded and asked for space and time and to be patient with her. I tried to give her what she asked although I wasn't very good at giving her space during the first month as I "nonchalantly" tried to insinuate myself into pictures and video chat she was having with our daughter. Lol--my head was messed up a bit! It's tough learning how to do this while you're in it! Kind of like trying to rebuild an engine while it's running! But I did end up getting that under control.
My wife and I continue to video chat twice daily as she's out of state for work and she needs to maintain contact with our daughter so the lines of communication remain open--and I'm grateful for this although it does make utilizing "No Contact" or "SMART communication" tricky. But having the ability to see her face allows visual cues to come through that I wouldn't have been privy to with simple audio calls. Again, I'm grateful for the gifts I'm being given however small. Overall, the communications have been cordial if not positive. Baby steps.
I've also tried very hard to focus on improving myself as I'll need to be prepared for either eventuality. In addition, if I ever want her back she needs to find attraction to me again before love can ever enter her heart and that only comes by presenting myself and our daughter as a desirable package. Boy, did it ever hurt to come to accept that little fact! So I been using the PIES method and it's been illuminating to say the least. As many wise men have said, "Don't simply go through hard times--grow through hard times". And so I am. I've learned that although she betrayed our commitment I helped set our marriage up for failure by not fulfilling my promise to her: I didn't listen to her the way I should have. I failed to hear her, understand her, and validate her fears, worries, and anxieties. I failed to cherish her. I tried to fix her problems rather than hear her during her times of pain. I was dismissive of her worries and became upset if she didn't use my solutions in just the way I wanted her to. I was thick-headed, prideful, and inflexible. To her credit, she tried to warn me. She really did, but I couldn't or didn't listen. She became the classic Walk Away Wife--to my great dismay.
And then one day, AP comes along and finds my wounded and vulnerable wife primed and ready for his lies and she bit on that lure--hard. So much so she was freely admitting she didn't care about her commitment to marriage, her love for me, or her daughter. That's a huge deal coming from a woman who I have known for 17 years and has always shown herself to have the most uncorruptable moral fiber and unimpeachable integrity. Boy am I learning about the nature of human communication.
Fast forward to ten days ago, I was able to find my true center and some inner peace and was really able to step aside and give her the space she was asking for. I accomplished this by turning to God and asking for the burden to be lifted. At first, I didn't want to do that as I thought it was akin to giving up on my wife. But it finally occurred to me that I was simply asking for the ability to take care of me. I also realized I hadn't been giving her the breakup she wanted. I'm not mad but she needed to lie in the bed she made for a while. And I needed to take care of myself so I could take care of our daughter and perhaps my wife should she come back into the fold. I knew there would be tough times and hard healing to come if we ended up together again. And so I began to prepare myself. Further, and I'm not a dogmatic person, I am profoundly spiritual and so I turned to God. And He listened. And boy did He move fast!
Four days after I started giving her genuine space, reclaimed my authentic self, and found my true center, she told me she broke up with her AP but she did not tell me how the breakup impacts me (work on our marriage? come back to me?) so it was more of a statement of fact than anything else, but it's forward motion--a huge event!! I don't consider it my business why she broke up with him. That's between them. But c'mon. I asked God on Saturday for help finding my center and gave Him control over my marriage and He acts on Monday? I am humbled and speechless. And so, so grateful.
I didn't comment on her news other than to tell her that although I may not agree with the relationship, it must have been very difficult for her to break up with him and I was sorry she was hurting. I knew the relationship was pale imitation of love built on lies, deceit, and betrayal but to her it's the real thing and to do anything other than acknowledge the loss would be to push her away--hard--and cement her decision that I'm not worth her consideration. So I swallowed my pride and and offered her my condolences. Because that's what love is. I must do what brings the greater good. Not to rescue her, but give her a hand up when she's stumbled. In the same fashion I would hope someone else would do for me should I find myself in trouble. For better or for worse. Commitment in the face of all adversity. That's what marriage is to me.
I do understand there is a high likelihood of her resuming her affair so I'm not letting myself get my hopes up just yet. This may not go the way I want but I'm finding peace with either option. It's a day by day process with some better than others.
I recognize things could be far worse and I'm certain other people reading this could only wish to have my current state of "problems" but we all navigate our own troubled waters. The reason I'm sharing this (and it has become more of a cathartic release than anticipated) is to ask you all how you found the peace and grace to not only be faithful and optimistic but how to MAINTAIN that peace and optimism when you're where I am?
With the news of her breakup every fiber of me wanted to rush in and scream, "Great, now we can get back together!!!". Lol, um--no. That would not be the best response. She's adrift (much better than being attached to the AP) now but apparently still doesn't feel a strong enough pull from her family to bring her back. I have to be cautious and so, so gentle with her. Our relationship has been reduced to an ember with only the slightest glow. If I'm supremely careful, wrap my hands around it carefully, and gently blow I might--just might be able to breathe life back into it. But there are no guarantees in any of this but there is a chance...
A few days ago she did comment that she wants our daughter and I to come back and live with her again but it wasn't a good time to talk (distractions, etc.) so I simply told her that I would like that very much but there are a few things we need to talk about first and I'd like to have each other's undivided attention so we can give it the importance it deserves. She readily agreed so that's up in the air for now until we have a chance to speak.
At the end of the day, as much as I want to heal our marriage, it will be ok if she doesn't come back. There may be unfixable moral deficiencies that are hers to ponder. She may not be the person I thought she was. Who knows. What I do know is I am amazing. I have weathered this storm thus far under incredible stress (other things have come up that I felt didn't merit mentioning--including lockdown with Covid-19 and the full time care of a young child) so far and I have learned there are depths to my resolve that I never even knew existed. I am stronger than I thought possible, more forgiving than I knew, and I can freely and unconditionally give away love and mercy to someone who has wronged me.
Her betrayal has allowed me to grow into something greater than I was and this is the person who will raise our daughter into an exceptional person and enjoy the fruits of future relationships unencumbered by the issues which caused the demise of my present one.
But, as positive as the above may be, I'd still like to repair what I have. I guess my greatest concern and question to the forum now is, as mentioned above, how do I maintain the grace. How to maintain the peaceful center I need and not chase her, read into every communication, or worse--push her away? Has anyone found themselves where I am--in the middle seeing some positives and wanting so badly to rush in (like a fool!) and potentially ruin the progress? Man, this is tough!!
Thank you to anyone who can help!
Unpacking
Every person who betrays another, had to first betray themselves and their own beliefs & values. Thank you for beginning a conversation that will help many people begin to unpack just what went wrong inside & where they left themselves unguarded to allow self-betrayal and eventually betrayal of their mate. Understanding this is crucial to any formerly unfaithful individual who wants to make sure they never EVER repeat the past and hurt their mate again. Looking forward to the rest of the articles in the series.
The Betrayer
In reply to Unpacking by sb5
I have a huge sense of guilt and this article makes so much since. For me, as the woman in the relationship, I kept coming back to what is wrong with me, why would I do this? I still honestly don’t have an answer and it sucks. I hate it for everyone who has had to deal with someone being unfaithful. I just feel the lowest of the low like I don’t deserve to be here. I try to be happy for my kids but feel guilty for that. It’s all so frustrating and difficult to unpack and I believe that men are far less forgiving than women. It’s been almost 3 years since I came clean with everything and he still doesn’t trust me. It’s been 8 years since any betrayal. I honestly don’t see how we will get through.
Honestly, I am not worried
In reply to The Betrayer by Terrible Person2
Honestly, I am not worried about trusting my betrayer because if he wants to betray me again, it is him making the decision to call it quits forever. Plus, I avoid giving him any power over me that leaves me vulnerable. I am working towards total independence within the relationship. I honestly don’t care to expend any more time on worrying about trust. For me, the trust issue is nothing compared to the cold hard fact my betrayer and I are unequally yoked, I resent it and will never respect him in the way one should. Some would say I am the one with the problem. But when you choose to do something that crosses a very clear line (multiple times in some cases), the betrayer needs to accept things will never quite be the same and it’s because he or she crossed the line. So at this moment, you can call it quits or remain committed to giving your spouse all the time he needs to heal and feel comfortable in the relationship again. If you are uncomfortable, I am sorry, but if you really care to work towards reconciliation, you are going to have to experience some discomfort and consider it a blessing you aren’t out cold and alone. As a betrayed spouse, I personally am watching to see just what my unfaithful spouse is willing to sacrifice to stay married. I can totally tell when he just wants to be comfortable and thinks he has done enough. I ain’t buying it from him. Three years isn’t really that long to heal from a betrayal. My counselor said it could be 5 or longer. It’s more traumatic to be betrayed than the unfaithful seem to recognize.
The betrayer
In reply to The Betrayer by Terrible Person2
Maybe you weren’t meant to. My spouse had an affair and after three years of trying, I have given up. He didn’t listen to what I needed, except for short periods of time. Did you listen? Are you able to hold both perspectives at once or does shame prevent you?
Our therapist said it was like a toboggan ride. Every time you start count down the same hurtful pathway, the betrayer has to change the route. In any small
way, change the trajectory. Have you done that? Only you can know.
I agree with SadChristine. I
I agree with SadChristine. I have racked my brain over and over trying to think of why he did it and how he could have. How he could just blow off his family. I was eager to read the article and was disappointed. Evil? Yes. Being heartless and thoughtless for one's own thrill and pleasure is evil, that's a given. Over the years of our marriage I have had opportunity and temptation but I could not take that pleasure because I knew how much pain it could cause him and if he is in pain I am as well. Since Sept on Dday I sometimes feel like I must have married a man with split or multiple personality disorder. How could he. That question is tormenting.
Let's not overcomplicate something so simple
I think we overcomplicate this. . . we all have choices to make every day. Betrayal always starts with a choice.
Not Overcomplicate!
In reply to Let's not overcomplicate something so simple by JMR
I totally agree with your statement. I also believe that every action or word spoken begins with our individual choice.
While I can absorb the innate
While I can absorb the innate tendency to set aside humanity of unseen, unknown strangers, I have real difficulty with this experiment as a metaphor for betraying the person you swore to love and vowed to protect, let alone the safety and security of one's flesh and blood, underaged, innocent and vulnerable children who depend upon you for their lives and emotional security.
Yes, you expect the
In reply to While I can absorb the innate by SadChristine
Yes, you expect the unfathomable from an enemy or the selfishness of a complete stranger but not someone who is suppose to protect you from the enemy. Who has invested years into a relationship and their children only to destroy it all for words and sex if another who is just that, an object to use. Guess, it boils down to the deception of the unfaithful. Hiding, lying and deceiving themselves and especially the betrayed with who they really are/were. Meaning if I had know all the things about my spouse that he hid from me for our entire relationship then him having an affair would be no surprise cause it would be consistent with who he is/was. It’s devastating to learn that many years were lost to a fake person.
Unfaithful is not sorry
I see your offers of healing programs not only for we, the betrayed but, for the unfaithful as well. As I go through this storm, my problem is understanding why my unfaithful spouse professes his love for his affair partner to me and his continued lying after 2 years? He is not sorry nor does he believe he needs counseling? So, how do I get him to even consider the unfaithful healing program if he feels he's without an issue?
Thank you
Comparison
Not sure that I get the comparison of the Nazi’s and a cheating spouse. There is no one standing over the cheater saying “you must do this.” The CHOICE is made day after day after day to lie and deceive their spouse.
Great article, but I have had
Great article, but I have had multiple affairs, I can see how the first time and believe that I am learning about myself, gaining knowledge and tools to heal and protect my marriage at all cost thru the “Hope for Healing” but how does this article apply to multiple affairs?
"should not" vs "you have no other choice"
In reply to Great article, but I have had by michael
There is a great radiolab story of this that breaks down Milgram's study further to find that when the person is told "you have no other choice, you have to do it" then most people said no and realize they don't have to stock the person in the experiment. People respond differently to an order than they do a request for the greater good.
You don't have to have another affair. You don't have to be faithful to your wife and family either. No one can order you to do either of those things. You're feeling you, for the greater good and breaking the cycle, should be honest. But again, you don't have to even do that. There's no must.
You don't have to, but ought to not hurt your partner any longer. The sense your hiding is already there.
What about the other 35%
I read this and understand the ways the 65% could stray from their morals but what about the percentage that don't. Rather than assuming we can and just accepting that why not highlight why a percentage doesn't. As the survivor of infidelity, I wonder why we continue to use the anyone can betray at any time mantra which appears to allow the betrayer to get the fast pass out with no analysis of person. I am really wanting to know why there are those who don't betray when given all the same opportunity. We revel in the reasons why they can and do betray, rather than the study and rejoice of those who do not. It's too bad that we all want to star at the train wreck, but fail to attend to the beauty of the meadow on the other side of the road.
I totally agree. I'm so tired
In reply to What about the other 35% by M L
I totally agree. I'm so tired of hearing the "we could all find ourselves in the midst of an affair" but some of us never do!! We are all equally human, equally sinful, have similar opportunities to cheat, similar numbers of invitations to cheat, attraction to others outside of our marriage, times of boredom and disappointment within our marriage, yet some of us remain committed and some of us don't. Those of us who remain committed aren't pretending we are any more holy or less sinful than those who cheat, but there is something to it. It would be nice to study it, as the previous person suggested, so perhaps we could at least pass down the skills and strategies to our children. My daughter just asked me, "mom, is there something wrong with dad for him to do this, or is it just selfishness?" What gives some of us the ability to selflessly respect God and our spouse so greatly that despite the cost to ourselves we have chosen to never cheat?
I'm tired, too..
In reply to I totally agree. I'm so tired by Potter16
I have to agree with you a bit on this... if we went by my ex's scale, then he gave me 50,000 reasons to cheat during our marriage. There were available people and opportunity. I do understand temptation and fantasy. Did I? Absolutely not. I don't get how easily some people can literally do the act with someone else, let alone initiate it. It boggles my mind! I see the pain in my children's faces from the divorce (I have little choice, my ex won't stop his serial cheating or lying. and though the divorce is relatively peaceful, the children are so sad we are not all in the same house anymore) It's like picking up a gun and shooting the family's collective head with it. Blinding selfishness? Selfishness that creates utter stupidity? I don't know.
Am I a Nazi or a student in a
Am I a Nazi or a student in a social experiment? I don't want harm to come to my wife. I actually still love her. Or at least I love what she used to be before I destroyed her. She was so strong; I didn't think leaving would phase her. I didn't think she needed me. I had made up my mind that I should leave long before. I told her I wanted a divorce before I had the "affair". I hesitate to use that word as I was leaving, not trying to sneak around and come home to her. I didn't do it well. I found someone that wanted me. Someone that I was sure absolutely needed me. I just wanted to be needed again. Straight out the door and into the arms of someone that was so supportive. Thinking about my ex wife keeps me up at night. I think the most helpful thing I could do is tell her that I don't love her. Maybe tell her that I never did. Can you tell if that would be a mistake. I can endure that pain if you think it will help her.
Don't you dare destroy your wife
In reply to Am I a Nazi or a student in a by Kjel
Really you want to tell your wife you never loved her? Talk about rubbing salt into her wounds and making her entire life and existence a lie. She will take 5 years or more, if at all,to get over your cruel words
What is it with men who want to destroy their marriages and their wife along with it. Every man I know who has done what you have done says virtually the same thing or a version of this- as one divorced female friend said to me 'are all men given a book when they are born and told what to say when we get to this?
Your wish to say this to her is to make you feel better - trust me she won't feel better - you might but I reckon your guilt will get the better of you.
You are up at night thinking about her because you are racked with guilt about what you have done/are doing to her - does that it tell you you have feelings for her.
There are 2 people in a marriage if one of you checks out like you have the other wraps an imaginary cloak around them and hopes the hiccup on the marriage path goes away - you don't talk to each other - communication and remembering what it is about the person and why you married them is the key- I bet your wife needed you when you first met and were married......
Once the limerance with the new person passes (and she stops 'needing you' which in one way or the other she will) you will sit back and wonder why you did what you have done.
LOVE US NOT A FEELING- love is a Verb you show someone how much you love them by doing the little things, a hug when not expected a passing kiss. Seeing something in the store and buying it for them.
What you feel for your affair partner is the same feeling you had when you met your wife - you have just decided not to remember - limerance is cause by a hormonal rush - remember when you were a teenager and you fancied that girl? Those feelings go away after time and the longest they last is around 3 years - think about it!!
What you need to do is assess yourself and understand why you won't live up to the person everyone you know thinks you are.
What do you want to help her
In reply to Am I a Nazi or a student in a by Kjel
What do you want to help her with? If you lover her why don't you tell her that? Hasn't she dealt with enough lies and pain? If you don't want to be with her, isn't it clear as you call her your ex-wife? What is your struggle? YOu told he you wanted a divorce, she knew. Maybe she thought you would take a minute before jumping into a new relationship. As a betrayed, I would rather you just left me alone then prolong the pain by you telling me you never loved me. Its a slap in the face. I'm not sure who you are trying to help here. Your wife or yourself?
Tell your wife you still love her but love her alone
In reply to Am I a Nazi or a student in a by Kjel
Yes that's a mistake and would be painful for her, in my opinion. Tell her you never stopped loving her and are genuinely sorry then leave her alone. You and my ex husband and a lot alike. You assume your wife is strong enough to handle you leaving but you don't recognize her internal need for your strength to back her. She's not a man. She's feminine strength not masculine strength.
You are kidding yourself
In reply to Am I a Nazi or a student in a by Kjel
You are in limerence. Look it up. Convincing yourself you don’t and never loved your wife is a classic symptom. The only pain that you would inflict by telling her you never loved her is on her. In time when the new relationship fizzles you will probably realise what you had. The new thing is only good because it’s new, it’s not the relationship to end all relationships. It’s the first flush of a dopamine like drug that occurs in a new relationship. No matter how good it feels now it is unlikely to stay that way. Think very carefully before you wreck lives, it’s very hard to put right once you’ve trashed someone.
I don't know if anyone will
I don't know if anyone will see this to offer up answers, but here goes. When I discovered my husband was again (or still) involved with his AP for the third time in 2.5 yrs, I told him I wanted him out of the house. He complied and has been gone for 8 months. He tells me occasionally he wants to try and work on our marriage but never follows through. He continually tells me that I'm the one who threw him out of the house and is so angry about that. Have any of you worked thru this? I have asked him to come home many times and told him I wanted him to come home but he usually just says I'm the one who forced him out of the home. I wonder if I ruined any chance of recovery by doing that? Can this fact alone be overcome? I tell him Im not asking for a guarantee that the marriage will work, just a chance for that. Meanwhile, he quit seeing his AP once, but has started seeing her again I'm sure. He says he's working through things. It's been 8 months! How long does he need? I wonder if I'm a fool for even wanting to try, much less how foolish I am for continuing to offer him my love and grace. I feel like I'm drowning in my pain waiting for something that may never happen.
So confused, so angry
As I read this article, tears streaming down my face, the weight of another's choices press down on me like so many bricks...do we ever really get an answer to the why's and how could you's? I have gotten so desperate retrospectively that I realized I was literally handing my mate all of the tools he needed to begin to fix this and telling him the things I wished or wanted him to say, which of course when parroted back to me were utterly meaningless as they came from my heart, not his. I really don't know what to do anymore. He wants to "move forward" and "get past this" but refuses to do any actual work to rebuild trust....His actions are not matching his words and it is killing me one day at a time. My heart goes out to every one of you here. I wish you luck and love....
My first thought sadly after
My first thought sadly after reading this was that how much less painful being shocked with 450 volts of electricity would be than dealing with my husband's affair.
That explains a lot... my
That explains a lot... my wife during the course of the affair was able to go through the process of adopting a 5 year old girl with me... This child had a lot of issues with lying, and my wife would give extensive lectures about why it's wrong to lie to people... She was also teaching sunday school at our church up until a week prior to D day, and went on with our lives as if nothing was going on, leading a great example in public... however, in secret, while at work she was in constant contact via text and phone with her AP (who was also married with 4 kids,) and met up with him for almost a year... I often ask myself how was she able to sleep at night, much less in the same bed as me... She was a good person, with morals and values that even I envied! Fortunately, we are reconciling, and building the marriage we have always wanted... not easy, but this article really has helped me come to some form of understanding... looking forward to hearing more about moral disengagement in the coming weeks...
I really admire you. Your
In reply to Hello Cindy by rosie
I really admire you. Your ability to forgive and move on is fantastic. I presume that your wife is trying to understand how she made such a terrible decision. I wish you both luck. I wish we were like you.
This does make sense
In reply to Hello Cindy by rosie
My husband too carried on with life as usual--teaching Cub Scouts and leading our boys through lessons of how to live morally and to choose friendships that will encourage you to live to your values. I told him last week it concerns me that he could live with us, teaching our children, coaching their teams and loving me all while cheating. How is that possible? Should it scare me more than the wayward spouse that has disengaged fromt their family life and believes they no longer love their spouse? I think so. I think it is harder to wrap my head around a man that can deceive everyone in his life with the lie of an affair but continue to value the morals and good character.
This does make sense...
In reply to This does make sense by Miranda
This behavior describes my wife. 6 years of cheating with 2 ex boyfriends. Sexting, texting, phone calls, meeting up with...even going out of town on a weekend trip with one of them.
I can remember nights when she would get off work and wouldn't come home until the next day and act as if nothing was wrong. My kids would be scared wondering when she'd come home.
I probably had sex with her after she'd been having sex with her so called friend. It's truly disgusting. I asked questions about the affair that fell on deaf ears. I had to sift through emails and texts to put it all together. She even sent nude photos to these men. Never did that with me even when we were dating. He doesn't want her and the other just wanted sex and photos.
I feel like I have been taken advantage of. She apologizes and she is trying to work things out to make our relationship stronger. But I will never be able to fully trust her because I now know what she is capable of doing. She led a double life and pretended for so long that I don't trust her. Some days I feel like leaving. Other days I feel like doing the same thing back to her. If I can last 8 more years (both kids will be adult age) I plan to leave if things haven't changed. I told her that if she ever cheated on me again I would walk away and never look back. I would never wish this emotional train wreck on even my worst enemy! It's been the hardest most draining thing I've had to go through in my life.
I pray every day that things get better. I feel as though I forgave pre maturely. She was not honest in telling me what I needed to know. She hid a lot of things from me and denied when confronted with the hard evidence. Some days I look at her and I wonder what I married.
How am I going to make it?....
betrayal
One thing I read a few years ago on this topic said that there is no logical explanation for illogical behavior. And something I have struggled with is what kind of a person am I who would do such a thing and hurt the woman I love and the God I love so deeply? While in the middle of it all the only thing I thought about was my own emotional pleasure at that instant. And of course I never thought about getting caught nor about the consequences of my behavior. I am so thankful today to have received a second chance.
This truly helps me
This truly helps me make sense of why my husband had cheated on not just me but his ex's before me as well. He has this overwhelming thought that he is going to get hurt by me just like two of his ex's had cheated on him he felt the need to do it before I could ever do it to him. He completely lost all sight of who he TRULY was with his ex and he still isn't fully over the pain she caused him. It's like he feels as if every woman is out to get him so he went to a hooker the ONLY one who didn't actually care.
Why??
Like the others who have posted here, your follow-up to the question of "why" someone who has always had strong moral values would stoop to having an affair needs to be explained. I look forward to your future articles on this topic. For me the cheating, mostly an emotional affair, was bad enough, but the dishonesty involved is what is hardest to "get over." I just can't get any kind of an answer to "why" that makes any sense.
painful questions with seemingly no answers
These are the same questions that haunt me. How could a wonderful, caring, Christian husband of 30 years abandon his family these past four years for a secrete lifestyle of ponorgraphy, strip clubs and ultimately have an affair with someone who was a swinger? How could he use all of our savings to live this lifestyle? Why was I so willing to believe him when he said he was traveling for work? Even though I see he is working hard to change, how do I know if I am safe? We tried counseling...he used the time to lie and distort the truth to the point where all the blame was placed on me. A year later, he expresses regrets for things he said and did and wants to come back, but my nagging fear is that if it happened once and I didn't recognize it, how would I know if I the "monster" has returned and I am in danger again?
My spouse behaved in a
In reply to Thanks! by anne95
My spouse behaved in a similar way but when I look back his behavior changed-even though I didn't know what he was doing, he became critical of me, short tempered with me and the kids-so there were signs something was off. You don't need to worry about trusting him-you have to trust yourself. There are always signs and if u start to feel unsafe-or that something isn't quite right-trust yourself to distance yourself from him. I allowed myself to be treated badly, thinking if I was just a better wife things would be ok. I can't control him or change him but I can get away if I'm not feeling safe in our relationship-that's my ticket to peace.
betrayal
In my case I was involved with pornography for many years. It went against all of my values. I kept telling myself that I was going to stop and that this time would be the last time. I prayed and made promises to God. Yet I also made so many excuses for my behavior. I minimized, rationalized, justified, compartmentalized, etc. They were only pictures. I would never do this in real life. I'm not really hurting anyone. etc. I'm so sorry for having lived this way. So sorry that this "monster" lives within me. May I put him to death today and tomorrow. May I learn from yesterday's mistakes and let the Lord's light transform my heart and my actions today!
This is something that has
This is something that has been driving me crazy too. I have asked my husband this question but he cannot seem to answer it. Our counselor told me that the answer will not make sense to me because he was not thinking logically at that time. I can't wait for the next article!
This too is my lingering
This too is my lingering question. How could my husband of over three decades, the father of our eight children, a deacon in the church, and the one I looked up to for his Christian integrity fall so far? It just doesn't make sense. How could he live a lie for eight years before I finally found out because God told me? Even with that I wanted to argue with God that it just couldn't be. He would never do that. But God is truth, and so was His word to me that day 19 months ago. How could he then continue on with the lie for another five months? Praise God, he finally saw what he was doing, and we are on the right path now. I could never have imagined being on this journey, nor could I make it without my Lord.
It is so hard to think about what he has done. How could he turn his back on our children? How could he turn his back on me? More importantly, how could he turn his back on God?
good timing
This exact question is what I am struggling with the most. It is extremely difficult for me to imagine that someone who is not only capable of this kind of betrayal, but acts on it, is capable ever again of acting in a way that exhibits full integrity. And the larger question for myself is do I really need to spend, or owe him, the time and potential risk to find out. I look forward to the next few articles, but wish that this one had more. I am borderline desperate for some glimmer of understanding and hope that the person I knew to be my loyal, trustworthy, kind and caring husband still exists. Right now the man I see before me is a stranger capable of causing indescribable pain.
pre-triggers
I've never had an article cause triggers in advance of a follow up article. This one subject will certainly be a hotbed of responses.
This is THE only lingering question that remains in understanding my wife's affair. Why would such an incredible person/mother/wife/woman, of such high standards and personal character, compromise all her ethics and family by having an affair? Why would she risk losing it all. Why would she want to sacrifice every bit of respect for someone who was so obviously manipulating her? All the excuses in the world don't justify it.
I'm looking forward to the next article. It can't come quickly enough.
Re: Pre-Triggers
In reply to 03/15 Session by petri
Your response is very familiar to me. it was the most difficult thing for me to process also after my wife's affair 5 years ago. It was so difficult to get my head around why she would give so much to a person who was asking her to risk so many things that were supposedly important to her while offering her nothing in return. The affiar partner was a manipulator and generally a failure in many areas of his life. Very tough to process.
Getting past it was not a serial, one dimmensional process. Rather it involved multiple dimmensions and my willingsness to be patient in incrementally understanding each dimmension at different paces.
In time we explored together how our infertility had made my wife feel like a failure within our marriage. Since the affair partner was such a mess as a person, he saw my wife as a highly successful person (and she is) and gave her immensely positive affirmation, something my wife was starving to get. She later described being very suprised by her strong reaction to his attention.
We also explored how her sense of failure became a pattern of her rejecting my affection (remember, she was convinced that she was a failure in my eyes and not in his). This pattern did not feel good to me, but I always thought the loving thing to do was to give her space and let her heal at here own pace. I thought I was being selfless, which made the affair that much more hurtful.
Ultimately I came to see that the affiar was not about me. For a long time I was very uncomfortable with that idea because I so desperately wish her choice would have been about me... would have been me. But eventually I was able to accept this. Her affair was about her, her pain, her needs and a temporary bubble of relief from those heavy feelings. The affair was a really artificial relationship based upon very shallow infatuation, but that does change the fact that it psychologically offered my wife relief from feeling like a failure, which was a really powerful dynamic for her.
So in order for me to feel safe again, the key was to see her work on herself. And one of the key barometers for me was whether she could work through her own issues enough (we had our work to do together too) such that she could accept my affection again. And she does. It melts my heart when I tell her she looks pretty and she smiles back at be the way she used to. I am very happily married to her today.
Take courage.
Wife who had an affair...
In reply to Thank you by claudsn
Anonymous - wow.... I'm am so interested to hear more about u and ur wife's story of healing! I had an affair about 3 months ago and am struggling to make good choices!! My husband desperately wants me to work on our marriage and end the affair...and he has been put through hell (by me) as I continue in my struggles! I agree that we (people who have the affair) have our own individual issues and that our marriage also likely has issues.... Please share how u stayed strong and how your wife finally came to sanity about her choices - coming to understand that her affair partner was not really who he seemed At the time - the love of her life.... I am so excited and encouraged to see ur still together and happy!!
Multiple Responses to My Story
In reply to repetative questioning of details... by gtvmom
I am the person that shared the story of my wife's affair 5 years ago. I hesitated to share because I felt I might be navigating into over-sharing. But in my heart I felt that my story might be useful.
In response to a few questions and reactions to my story:
One key thing that I left out is that I had my work to do to get through the process too. And (I am sure this will be familiar to Rick) I did not like my psychologist at all sometimes. It was a fight at times to get me to focus on me. But the more I applied myself to that, the more I found useful techniques to pursue my own relief. In the end, I could choose to remain a victim or not. And my technique was to visualize that victim mentality I had seen others as remind myself how unconstructive that is. Being a righteous victim has very limited benefit. But for some reason it’s a common instinct to hold on to that. I had to make a conscious choice to let go of that and dedicate myself to my own healing and relief from the intrusive thoughts and images. It is so worth the work!!
Also, I would share that a key to recovery was that both of us really wanted the marriage. I can imagine that this is not always the case. And for me, it naturally took a significant amount of time for my belief in her desire to build back up. But I had to remind myself to intentionally look for evidence of her working to save the marriage. It’s weird, but as much as I wanted to see that, as soon as I saw it I just wanted to question it which actually was an obstacle to what I really wanted. I had to learn to see her effort for what it really was and not let my reaction to the trauma prevent me from getting courage and optimism from seeing her work.
Another thing I would share for both spouses in the situation is that anything you can do, anything at all you can do to get a break from the emotionality is very, very helpful. In my novice view, I think this must be a very personalized process in terms of how a couple or a person individually might make this happen. But in my experience, it’s so important. Not easy, but important.
Lastly for now, my encouragement is to believe that on some levels that you and your spouse can eventually share a common perspective of what happened. This was so hard and for me and was the first major obstacle I had as the hurt spouse. I was so angry that she just could not get it. Now I understand that her experience was different, what she was feeling, experiencing and remembering was just as intense but so very different from what I was going through. And I just wanted her to get over herself and see me. This was natural but ignorant. She had a lot going on personally, and honestly, in the immediate aftermath, she had very little bandwidth emotionally to process what was I was going through… and I was demanding that immediately! But it just was not humanly possible. And now on many levels we look back at that time as just a very, very sad chapter in our history. It’s so much less now about betrayal and a vacancy of loyalty; it’s about a sad chapter for us. I love her and I actually feel sympathetic to what she was going through at the time. I never imagined I would feel that way.
I want to be clear that I am sharing this as encouragement and not as a set of expectations that any person should just apply to his or her own situation. I think the recovery process is very common in some ways and very personalized in some ways. My prayers for each of you!
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