Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

How Could You? Part I: Why We Commit Betrayal With Infidelity

How Could You? A Six Part Series on Why We Commit Betrayal with Infidelity

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Two weeks ago, a woman screamed at her mate, "How could you?" She went on to scream more of the same questions we're probably all pretty familiar with by now: "How could you do this to our family? How could you jeopardize all that we've built together and worked for? How could you put the family at risk? How could you do this to not only me, but to yourself?"

I remember, as the tears ran down her face, and he hung his head in shame. I asked myself "Why would you?" From all reports, he was a decent guy and she was a good woman. They seemed to have it all: beautiful children, a comfortable lifestyle, yet he had done something neither of them ever imagined would happen. Why?

Did he lack character? Was there something amiss in his moral development? Perhaps there was some sort of deep childhood wound at the core of his betrayal? Even so, I'm sure countless others have suffered similar wounds and they have not betrayed their mates with infidelity.

Betraying Their Own Morality

There is a looming question that I'd like to begin to unpack and address over the next few weeks.

It's not just the question of how does someone commit a betrayal of infidelity on their mate, but also how do they betray their own sense of morals and values? How do they suspend what was once a core value held dear to them, and allow themselves to have an affair or engage in behavior that once would have repulsed them?

In 1961, psychologist Stanley Milgram1 sought to discover the personality profile of those individuals in Nazi Germany who had marched millions of Jews, Poles, and others they deemed as misfits of their society into the gas chambers. Social psychologists estimated that only 1.2 percent of the population would fit that profile. To identify these individuals, an obedience experiment was conducted. Subjects were told they were part of an experiment determining the effectiveness of negative reinforcement in learning. Their role was to administer an electrical shock to a student in the adjacent room each time the student failed to supply the correct answer to a problem, and each time the student failed, the voltage of the shock would increase. While the subject couldn't see the student, they could hear a recording of what they assumed was the student in the next room, screaming and begging them to stop.

To begin, the subjects being tested were given a 45-volt shock as an example of what the first shock would feel like to the student upon missing the problem. They were also told the student had a heart problem, but the electrical shock would pose no danger to the student. With each missed problem, the subject flipped the switch as the voltage continued to climb. (Remember, the student was not actually being shocked; the subject was led to believe the student was being shocked.) Many of the subjects paused at 135 volts and questioned the purpose of the experiment. If the voltage level exceeded 315 volts, the subject would hear nothing but silence, and he or she would still be expected to flip the switch when a wrong answer was given.

If at any time the subject tried to stop the experiment, a scientist in a lab jacket would inform him the experiment required him to continue. This was done up to four times. If the subject requested to stop the experiment a fifth time, the scientist would stop the experiment. Otherwise, the experiment stopped only after subject had given the maximum voltage of 450 volts!

Justifying Evil as Normal

Milgram believed that he would have to go through several hundred subjects to find those few individuals with an evil-enough profile to carry out such (seeming) torture. As it turned out, 65 percent of the subjects inflicted the maximum level of shock! Milgram had not found a few sociopaths who would give their souls to a totalitarian and brutal cause as expected; rather, he found a potential monster in the majority of those tested!

Why would "normal" American citizens act in the same way as Nazi guards who actively participated in putting millions to death? Why do we place such a premium on the approval of others even when they are strangers?

Some of you may be asking what this has to do with infidelity, but if a majority of "normal" people in Milgram's experiment were able to suspend their own sense of humanity to the point where they believed they may have killed someone, is it too far-fetched to see how individuals might also commit a betrayal of epic proportions?


Over the next several weeks, we'll explore the process of moral disengagement and how individuals abandon what they believe, betray their loved ones, and allow themselves to act in ways they never thought imaginable. We'll also look at ways to stay true to what you believe, or to regain that moral compass and trust yourself again.

If you find yourself in a situation where the unimaginable has occurred, there is hope for recovery and for understanding. Take advantage of our Affair Recovery resources that will accompany you on this journey. It doesn't have to be something you go through alone. We have multiple online resources for you to look into: Harboring Hope and Hope Rising for betrayed spouses, our free First Steps Bootcamp for individuals and couples, and our EMS Online course for couples. If you're in crisis and want to accelerate your healing, join us at our EMS Weekend.

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Comments

Great article, but I have had

Great article, but I have had multiple affairs, I can see how the first time and believe that I am learning about myself, gaining knowledge and tools to heal and protect my marriage at all cost thru the “Hope for Healing” but how does this article apply to multiple affairs?

"should not" vs "you have no other choice"

There is a great radiolab story of this that breaks down Milgram's study further to find that when the person is told "you have no other choice, you have to do it" then most people said no and realize they don't have to stock the person in the experiment. People respond differently to an order than they do a request for the greater good.

You don't have to have another affair. You don't have to be faithful to your wife and family either. No one can order you to do either of those things. You're feeling you, for the greater good and breaking the cycle, should be honest. But again, you don't have to even do that. There's no must.

You don't have to, but ought to not hurt your partner any longer. The sense your hiding is already there.

Comparison

Not sure that I get the comparison of the Nazi’s and a cheating spouse. There is no one standing over the cheater saying “you must do this.” The CHOICE is made day after day after day to lie and deceive their spouse.

Unfaithful is not sorry

I see your offers of healing programs not only for we, the betrayed but, for the unfaithful as well. As I go through this storm, my problem is understanding why my unfaithful spouse professes his love for his affair partner to me and his continued lying after 2 years? He is not sorry nor does he believe he needs counseling? So, how do I get him to even consider the unfaithful healing program if he feels he's without an issue?
Thank you

No way

This sounds like you are just making excuses for the unfaithful. Poor unfaithful he made a mistake and electrocuted me without one once of guilt. Now he is sorry after I'm dead

While I can absorb the innate

While I can absorb the innate tendency to set aside humanity of unseen, unknown strangers, I have real difficulty with this experiment as a metaphor for betraying the person you swore to love and vowed to protect, let alone the safety and security of one's flesh and blood, underaged, innocent and vulnerable children who depend upon you for their lives and emotional security.

Yes, you expect the

Yes, you expect the unfathomable from an enemy or the selfishness of a complete stranger but not someone who is suppose to protect you from the enemy. Who has invested years into a relationship and their children only to destroy it all for words and sex if another who is just that, an object to use. Guess, it boils down to the deception of the unfaithful. Hiding, lying and deceiving themselves and especially the betrayed with who they really are/were. Meaning if I had know all the things about my spouse that he hid from me for our entire relationship then him having an affair would be no surprise cause it would be consistent with who he is/was. It’s devastating to learn that many years were lost to a fake person.

Let's not overcomplicate something so simple

I think we overcomplicate this. . . we all have choices to make every day. Betrayal always starts with a choice.

Not Overcomplicate!

I totally agree with your statement. I also believe that every action or word spoken begins with our individual choice.

I agree with SadChristine. I

I agree with SadChristine. I have racked my brain over and over trying to think of why he did it and how he could have. How he could just blow off his family. I was eager to read the article and was disappointed. Evil? Yes. Being heartless and thoughtless for one's own thrill and pleasure is evil, that's a given. Over the years of our marriage I have had opportunity and temptation but I could not take that pleasure because I knew how much pain it could cause him and if he is in pain I am as well. Since Sept on Dday I sometimes feel like I must have married a man with split or multiple personality disorder. How could he. That question is tormenting.

Unpacking

Every person who betrays another, had to first betray themselves and their own beliefs & values. Thank you for beginning a conversation that will help many people begin to unpack just what went wrong inside & where they left themselves unguarded to allow self-betrayal and eventually betrayal of their mate. Understanding this is crucial to any formerly unfaithful individual who wants to make sure they never EVER repeat the past and hurt their mate again. Looking forward to the rest of the articles in the series.

The Betrayer

I have a huge sense of guilt and this article makes so much since. For me, as the woman in the relationship, I kept coming back to what is wrong with me, why would I do this? I still honestly don’t have an answer and it sucks. I hate it for everyone who has had to deal with someone being unfaithful. I just feel the lowest of the low like I don’t deserve to be here. I try to be happy for my kids but feel guilty for that. It’s all so frustrating and difficult to unpack and I believe that men are far less forgiving than women. It’s been almost 3 years since I came clean with everything and he still doesn’t trust me. It’s been 8 years since any betrayal. I honestly don’t see how we will get through.

Honestly, I am not worried

Honestly, I am not worried about trusting my betrayer because if he wants to betray me again, it is him making the decision to call it quits forever. Plus, I avoid giving him any power over me that leaves me vulnerable. I am working towards total independence within the relationship. I honestly don’t care to expend any more time on worrying about trust. For me, the trust issue is nothing compared to the cold hard fact my betrayer and I are unequally yoked, I resent it and will never respect him in the way one should. Some would say I am the one with the problem. But when you choose to do something that crosses a very clear line (multiple times in some cases), the betrayer needs to accept things will never quite be the same and it’s because he or she crossed the line. So at this moment, you can call it quits or remain committed to giving your spouse all the time he needs to heal and feel comfortable in the relationship again. If you are uncomfortable, I am sorry, but if you really care to work towards reconciliation, you are going to have to experience some discomfort and consider it a blessing you aren’t out cold and alone. As a betrayed spouse, I personally am watching to see just what my unfaithful spouse is willing to sacrifice to stay married. I can totally tell when he just wants to be comfortable and thinks he has done enough. I ain’t buying it from him. Three years isn’t really that long to heal from a betrayal. My counselor said it could be 5 or longer. It’s more traumatic to be betrayed than the unfaithful seem to recognize.

The betrayer

Maybe you weren’t meant to. My spouse had an affair and after three years of trying, I have given up. He didn’t listen to what I needed, except for short periods of time. Did you listen? Are you able to hold both perspectives at once or does shame prevent you?
Our therapist said it was like a toboggan ride. Every time you start count down the same hurtful pathway, the betrayer has to change the route. In any small
way, change the trajectory. Have you done that? Only you can know.

In the middle of it now--need advice!

Hi all, thank you for posting your experiences--they are tremendously helpful. My wife and I have been married for 7 years and I'm currently 5 weeks out from D-day and struggle daily with my wife's emotional affair. I'm grateful the affair is/was short lived as they only professed their "undying love" for each other roughly 6 weeks prior to her reveal.

It seems to me that longer term affairs are more difficult to sever so I'm more fortunate than many. They also only knew each other for a short time prior to making the emotional connection with the AP so I'm grateful for that as well. In addition, they are geographically separated and can only communicate via social media at this point. Finally, she revealed they had only kissed and on only one occasion. I would usually take this with a grain of salt, but it has been independently confirmed by others with whom she spoke to for advice, etc. so I feel comfortable believing this fact for now. Overall, there are some positives here--as much as anything like this can be construed as a positive in this situation, but we must take what we can . . .

When she revealed the affair to me she was unapologetic, unremorseful and used the tired lines "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore" and "The heart wants what the heart wants" (which, to me, sounds a lot like "It costs what it costs" but I digress). She said she was absolutely done with the marriage, that most children do great after a divorce, and that she's found her soulmate. But I'm sure all of this sounds very familiar to all of you!! Man, it's like cheaters all tap the same phrasebook! Anyway, she was adamant it was over, her heart was fully hardened and well-shielded by walls I had no hope of penetrating, and I feel she really meant it when she said she was D.O.N.E.

Naturally, I was profoundly heartbroken and shellshocked but instinct and luck prevented me from yelling or showing anger or doing many of the things others have done which only serve to further damage the relationship and stall or even prevent repair. I calmly accepted what she said, asked what I thought were pertinent questions at the time (lol, who knows if they were pertinent or not, probably not!), and when we got off the phone I began what I call Project Marriage. I started going to church, spoke with my attorney (great advice from him: don't do anything for 3 weeks! And he was spot on!), began counseling, sought out family and friends to talk with, read self help books, watched self help videos, scoured the internet for anything and everything I could find that would help me to educate myself about me, her, and our situation.

The next two weeks were a whirlwind. I'm a strong man. I've had many deep difficulties in my life and have come through renewed and more able. I haven't cried since I was a child. Well, I cried over this. A lot. Other times I laughed. I went from asking God why has He done this to me to thanking Him for trusting me with the challenge. It's just been such an emotional rollercoaster. I cried at the most inopportune times; driving down the road, at the checkout counter, talking with my credit card company, reading to my daughter at night, making pancakes.

I think the scooping out of my soul was the worst part. I wasn't even angry. Just hollow. Just numb. Again, I'm so grateful it wasn't worse. She could have slept with him (I know this remains to be seen), or gotten an STD, or pregnant, or killed. Things could always be worse. What really affected me was the loss of innocence and simple faith in a largely faithless world. I was a faithful fool for her and don't regret it at all but that will be gone forever. Definitely with her and likely with others. I will probably have a somewhat jaded heart for the rest of my life because of what she's done. Innocence lost is such a tragedy. It feels like in order to reach my wife I'd have to dip my hand into a scum of sewage floating on top of a pool of what was once pure water. How do I do this without fouling myself in the process? How do I clean myself after? I knew others had been successful in rebuilding their marriage so I would have to be faithful and follow their lead. If they can do it I can do it.

To be blindsided by the betrayal was almost more than I could bear. Almost. I had worked myself to death getting her prepped for a career change at the expense of my own career. I thought we were were stressed but that our marriage was fundamentally solid. My daughter was a Godsend at this time. She has no idea of what's going on but I can stay strong for her. I would ask myself how could my wife turn her back on me? On her own daughter? Why no remorse? How can she not want to ask for forgiveness? Well, limerence is a hell of a thing! I understand compartmentalization and cognitive dissonance but to have it directed toward you is heart rending. How can a reasonable person act so unreasonably? Just shaking my head. Affair fog is a thing. I do believe she's fighting at allowing herself to examine what she's done as the guilt, remorse, and pain will likely overwhelm her. That's a part of her nature and she's in for a very hard ride.

Ok, back to the story. A few days after D-day I wrote her a heartfelt letter to which she graciously responded and asked for space and time and to be patient with her. I tried to give her what she asked although I wasn't very good at giving her space during the first month as I "nonchalantly" tried to insinuate myself into pictures and video chat she was having with our daughter. Lol--my head was messed up a bit! It's tough learning how to do this while you're in it! Kind of like trying to rebuild an engine while it's running! But I did end up getting that under control.

My wife and I continue to video chat twice daily as she's out of state for work and she needs to maintain contact with our daughter so the lines of communication remain open--and I'm grateful for this although it does make utilizing "No Contact" or "SMART communication" tricky. But having the ability to see her face allows visual cues to come through that I wouldn't have been privy to with simple audio calls. Again, I'm grateful for the gifts I'm being given however small. Overall, the communications have been cordial if not positive. Baby steps.

I've also tried very hard to focus on improving myself as I'll need to be prepared for either eventuality. In addition, if I ever want her back she needs to find attraction to me again before love can ever enter her heart and that only comes by presenting myself and our daughter as a desirable package. Boy, did it ever hurt to come to accept that little fact! So I been using the PIES method and it's been illuminating to say the least. As many wise men have said, "Don't simply go through hard times--grow through hard times". And so I am. I've learned that although she betrayed our commitment I helped set our marriage up for failure by not fulfilling my promise to her: I didn't listen to her the way I should have. I failed to hear her, understand her, and validate her fears, worries, and anxieties. I failed to cherish her. I tried to fix her problems rather than hear her during her times of pain. I was dismissive of her worries and became upset if she didn't use my solutions in just the way I wanted her to. I was thick-headed, prideful, and inflexible. To her credit, she tried to warn me. She really did, but I couldn't or didn't listen. She became the classic Walk Away Wife--to my great dismay.

And then one day, AP comes along and finds my wounded and vulnerable wife primed and ready for his lies and she bit on that lure--hard. So much so she was freely admitting she didn't care about her commitment to marriage, her love for me, or her daughter. That's a huge deal coming from a woman who I have known for 17 years and has always shown herself to have the most uncorruptable moral fiber and unimpeachable integrity. Boy am I learning about the nature of human communication.

Fast forward to ten days ago, I was able to find my true center and some inner peace and was really able to step aside and give her the space she was asking for. I accomplished this by turning to God and asking for the burden to be lifted. At first, I didn't want to do that as I thought it was akin to giving up on my wife. But it finally occurred to me that I was simply asking for the ability to take care of me. I also realized I hadn't been giving her the breakup she wanted. I'm not mad but she needed to lie in the bed she made for a while. And I needed to take care of myself so I could take care of our daughter and perhaps my wife should she come back into the fold. I knew there would be tough times and hard healing to come if we ended up together again. And so I began to prepare myself. Further, and I'm not a dogmatic person, I am profoundly spiritual and so I turned to God. And He listened. And boy did He move fast!

Four days after I started giving her genuine space, reclaimed my authentic self, and found my true center, she told me she broke up with her AP but she did not tell me how the breakup impacts me (work on our marriage? come back to me?) so it was more of a statement of fact than anything else, but it's forward motion--a huge event!! I don't consider it my business why she broke up with him. That's between them. But c'mon. I asked God on Saturday for help finding my center and gave Him control over my marriage and He acts on Monday? I am humbled and speechless. And so, so grateful.

I didn't comment on her news other than to tell her that although I may not agree with the relationship, it must have been very difficult for her to break up with him and I was sorry she was hurting. I knew the relationship was pale imitation of love built on lies, deceit, and betrayal but to her it's the real thing and to do anything other than acknowledge the loss would be to push her away--hard--and cement her decision that I'm not worth her consideration. So I swallowed my pride and and offered her my condolences. Because that's what love is. I must do what brings the greater good. Not to rescue her, but give her a hand up when she's stumbled. In the same fashion I would hope someone else would do for me should I find myself in trouble. For better or for worse. Commitment in the face of all adversity. That's what marriage is to me.

I do understand there is a high likelihood of her resuming her affair so I'm not letting myself get my hopes up just yet. This may not go the way I want but I'm finding peace with either option. It's a day by day process with some better than others.

I recognize things could be far worse and I'm certain other people reading this could only wish to have my current state of "problems" but we all navigate our own troubled waters. The reason I'm sharing this (and it has become more of a cathartic release than anticipated) is to ask you all how you found the peace and grace to not only be faithful and optimistic but how to MAINTAIN that peace and optimism when you're where I am?

With the news of her breakup every fiber of me wanted to rush in and scream, "Great, now we can get back together!!!". Lol, um--no. That would not be the best response. She's adrift (much better than being attached to the AP) now but apparently still doesn't feel a strong enough pull from her family to bring her back. I have to be cautious and so, so gentle with her. Our relationship has been reduced to an ember with only the slightest glow. If I'm supremely careful, wrap my hands around it carefully, and gently blow I might--just might be able to breathe life back into it. But there are no guarantees in any of this but there is a chance...

A few days ago she did comment that she wants our daughter and I to come back and live with her again but it wasn't a good time to talk (distractions, etc.) so I simply told her that I would like that very much but there are a few things we need to talk about first and I'd like to have each other's undivided attention so we can give it the importance it deserves. She readily agreed so that's up in the air for now until we have a chance to speak.

At the end of the day, as much as I want to heal our marriage, it will be ok if she doesn't come back. There may be unfixable moral deficiencies that are hers to ponder. She may not be the person I thought she was. Who knows. What I do know is I am amazing. I have weathered this storm thus far under incredible stress (other things have come up that I felt didn't merit mentioning--including lockdown with Covid-19 and the full time care of a young child) so far and I have learned there are depths to my resolve that I never even knew existed. I am stronger than I thought possible, more forgiving than I knew, and I can freely and unconditionally give away love and mercy to someone who has wronged me.

Her betrayal has allowed me to grow into something greater than I was and this is the person who will raise our daughter into an exceptional person and enjoy the fruits of future relationships unencumbered by the issues which caused the demise of my present one.

But, as positive as the above may be, I'd still like to repair what I have. I guess my greatest concern and question to the forum now is, as mentioned above, how do I maintain the grace. How to maintain the peaceful center I need and not chase her, read into every communication, or worse--push her away? Has anyone found themselves where I am--in the middle seeing some positives and wanting so badly to rush in (like a fool!) and potentially ruin the progress? Man, this is tough!!

Thank you to anyone who can help!

Could you please edit out the faux pas?

I'm sure he didn't mean it the way it came out, but what he says is: Jews, Poles, homosexuals and other societal misfits. Would you please edit out the word "other"? Thanks.

Nit the right argument

This experiment was done to judge what people do under someone they deem as authoritative over them. It was their choice to have an affair. No one made them. This is just excuses….

sometimes there is no core

sometimes there is no core moral value that would prohibit any acts that are counter to the vows spoken during the wedding ceremony. However if the other spouse does have these moral values, the betrayal is that much more devastating.

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas