How Could You? Part II: The Thought Processes That Lead to Betrayal How Could You? A Six Part Series on Why We Commit Betrayal with Infidelity Part 1: Why We Commit Betrayal With Infidelity Part 2: The Thought Processes That Lead to Betrayal Part 3: Moral Justifications Part 4: Doublespeak and Distorted Comparisons Part 5: The Secrecy Factor Part 6: Dehumanization and Blame Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Space Is Limited! Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. "I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. I found Affair Recovery when I was at the darkest point in my life, and this course has helped me to get myself on a true path to recovery." - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Several years ago, Stephanie and I spent a weekend at Terlingua with some of our oldest friends, enjoying the beauty of Big Bend National Park. In the course of conversation, our friend Lynn told me about an incident where he and another good friend, Tom, were backpacking in Arkansas. Driving in, they spotted a sign indicating some hot springs just a short distance off their route. Both decided if they successfully completed their hike, they'd reward themselves with a trip to the springs. Two days later, on their way back, they drove over to the springs. There were three geo-thermal pools, each at different temperatures. In the hottest of the pools was a man. Two women occupied the other two pools. As they prepared to enjoy a long, relaxing soak in the pools, both women stood up wearing nothing but the suit God had given them. Lynn asked Tom, "What do you want to do?" "As much as I hate to miss out on the hot soak, I think we'd better leave," Tom replied. Later, as they drove away, Tom said, "I'm not sure how hot that water was, but it's nothing compared to the hot water I'd be in with my wife if I'd stayed!" What motivated Lynn and Tom to leave when others may have stayed? Before I attempt to answer that question, let me clearly state that I am not excusing, or in any way rationalizing, any kind of betrayal in marriage. I'm also not using a light-hearted story to minimize what probably feels like the worst pain you've ever been through. However, without an understanding of how we disregard morals, we have no strategies for relapse prevention—much less long-term recovery. I hope to uncover not only the thought processes that lead to betrayal, but to also offer practical suggestions for staying true to your morals and values in the face of both temptation and opportunity. Our Moral Reasoning Process Let's face it, our own actions aren't just determined by our values and morals. If that were the case, moral reasoning and good intentions would suffice in keeping us on the straight and narrow. Furthermore, our willpower and good intentions aren't enough to prevent an affair or relapse, and if they were, most wayward spouses would have never cheated in the first place. I'd invite you, the unfaithful spouse, to read that statement again and again till it sets in. Last week, we reviewed an experiment where ordinary citizens abandoned their values and participated in an experiment in which they believed they were causing pain and harm to another human being. While the experiment was not designed to identify the moral disengagement present when during an affair, it did reveal that 65 percent of the population acted in ways contrary to their beliefs of how their fellow humans should be treated. The late psychologist, Albert Bandura1 developed a theory he called "the social cognitive theory of the moral self." Here's a paraphrase of what he's saying: Moral reasoning is linked to moral action through a self-regulating mechanism we've traditionally called a "conscience." Once that self-regulating mechanism is activated, we tend to act in a morally responsible way. Bandura suggests, "the moral self is thus embedded in a broader socio-cognitive self-theory encompassing self-organizing, proactive, self-regulation and self-regulatory mechanisms." We develop our moral self by which we adopt standards that serve as guides and deterrents for right and wrong. Banduras suggests that people monitor their conduct and the conditions under which it occurs and then judge it in relation to their moral standards and perceived circumstances. During self-regulation, they then apply consequences to themselves based on those actions. Going forward, they do things that give themselves satisfaction and a sense of self-worth; they refrain from behaving in ways that violate their moral standards. If they don't operate this way, their conduct will bring self-condemnation. The Unfaithful Spouse & Self-Influence Bandura said, "The constraint of negative self-sanctions for conduct that violates one's moral standards, and the support of positive self-sanctions for conduct faithful to personal moral standards actually operate anticipatorily. In the face of situational inducements to behave in inhumane ways, people can choose to behave otherwise by exerting self-influence... Self-sanctions keep conduct in line with internal standards. It is through the ongoing exercise of evaluative self-influence that moral conduct is motivated and regulated. Morality is thus rooted in a self-reactive selfhood, rather than in dispassionate abstract reasoning." In short, people do not act independently of the social realities in which they are involved. Moral choices are the product of interactions between what we believe, our conscience, and social influences we surround ourselves with. As humans, we tend to act in ways that give us a sense of worth and self-satisfaction. We seek it. We are, in fact, selfish and in many ways, self-absorbed. We act in ways that avoid uncomfortable feelings such as fear, guilt, or shame. The anticipated self-condemnation, which is activated when moral standards are violated, inhibit those behaviors. And the anticipated benefits stemming from being faithful to our moral standards help guide moral behavior. I apologize if this seems a little abstract, but without an elementary understanding of how we choose to act morally responsible, it's impossible to explain how we can selectively disengage our morals and act in ways that hurt and destroy those we love. Why the Unfaithful Must Distort Here's where it all really hits home. According to Bandura, in order for someone to selectively disengage their moral standards, they must distort what they are doing into something justifiable. With the backdrop of infidelity, you'll be even more interested to read about the methods used to disengage our morals (according to Bandura): moral justification sanitizing language social comparison disowning the harm one causes by using diffusion or displacement of responsibility disregarding or minimizing the injurious effects of one's actions attribution of blame to dehumanize those who are victimized While this may not yet make total sense or resonate with your heart, I do believe it will make a lot of sense in the coming weeks. Over the next few weeks, I'll explain each of these methods and offer suggestions to prevent future disengagement and betrayal and to promote marital and personal recovery. Next week we'll cover moral justification. If you're in an unhealthy cycle of blame and rejection with your spouse, I'd like you to consider our Hope for Healing course for the wayward spouse. You'll join other people of the same gender trying to understand how they got here while being guided by someone who has been through our program. Stop wasting time trying to fix yourself and be surrounded by the support you need and expert tools. Hope for Healing Registration Opens Today at Noon CT! Space Is Limited! "The sooner after D-Day you can become involved in Affair Recovery, the better. I went from not being welcome in my own home to sharing a bed with my wife once again - much sooner than I expected. EMS Online helped us to communicate effectively, and Hope for Healing really helped me understand the issues I have with myself. Meeting strangers that are in the exact same situation as you is so helpful. They become your friends and confidants." - E., Pennsylvania | April 2021 HFH Participant Spaces fill up quickly for this course. Click the button below to learn more about Hope for Healing and to claim your spot. Register For Hope For Healing! Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Space Is Limited! Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. "I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. I found Affair Recovery when I was at the darkest point in my life, and this course has helped me to get myself on a true path to recovery." - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Find HopeWhy They Did ItRL_Media Type: Text
