One approach to violating one's beliefs of right and wrong is to redefine the behavior itself. Most people won't intentionally act in ways they know to be wrong until they first have found a way to justify the morality of their actions. This type of "moral justification" allows people to leave their personal beliefs about infidelity intact and experience little to no feelings of guilt. The exception to this approach is someone who has a one-time impulsive betrayal. If it happens more than once, then moral justification has to be employed in order to continue.

Through the use of moral justification, peace-loving people have no qualms using violence as a way to fight off ruthless oppressors, maintaining world peace, honoring their commitment to God and country, or protecting their way of life.

Violence and abuse can be sanctified by the use of moral justification. As famous French philosopher, Voltaire, said, "Those who make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

We see many instances of this throughout history, such as when Pope Urban launched the Crusades by convincing Christians that Christ wanted them to fight and kill the Muslims. This moral justification allowed the Crusaders to commit such atrocities that the effects are still felt to this day. How could good people treat others in such a barbaric way? It wasn't by changing them; rather, it was done by making them believe they were doing God's work. In a similar manner, Islamic extremists utilize moral justification to carry out "jihad." Their actions are justified through the belief that they are protecting Islam from the decadent infidels who corrupt their faith. Bin Laden made his global terrorism about serving a religious duty.

The author of Genesis presents the first example of moral justification. In Genesis 3, the serpent provides a moral justification for Adam and Eve when he tells them, "God knows that the moment you eat from that tree, you'll see what's really going on. You'll be just like God, knowing everything, ranging all the way from good to evil." (Genesis 3:4-5) Once they believed eating the fruit would be a good thing, they suspended what they knew to be right and did what they thought would be better. This is the first and our finest example of moral justification!

While these examples are not infidelity related, they do show how moral justification is used to suspend morals and allow for behaviors that would have normally been inconceivable. This certainly isn't an excuse, but moral justifications can provide a well-worn pathway to an affair.

In retrospect, moral justifications seem irrational. However, in the moment, they provide a plausible excuse to abandon love for behaviors that are self-serving.

There are several justifications that I've come across over the years, but here are some of the most common:

• "I'm a good guy." This distortion is based on what feels like reverse psychology. "My wife/husband deserves someone better than me, so my betrayal is okay. I'm really being sacrificial and doing this for their sake." How crazy is that? But I've heard it time and time again.
• "I've found my true soul mate." This is the justification of being in love. "If I tell myself I originally married the wrong person, and I've now found my true soul mate, then it would be morally irresponsible not to pursue the person I was always supposed to be with."
• "I've pretended to be happy for years. I would be nothing more than a fraud if I continued pretending."
• "Everybody's doing it...it's just a mid-life thing."
• "As long as no one finds out, I don't see any issues with it."
• "It's better for me to see a prostitute than to get emotionally involved with someone."
• "God wants me to be happy, right?" This is maybe the most used moral justification. "He wouldn't want me to continue in a miserable relationship."

The use of moral justification isn't just reserved for those who've been the unfaithful spouse. Those who've been betrayed frequently use it as well.

I've been involved in hundreds of incidents where the hurt spouse suspended their morals and acted in ways they never would have dreamed possible. Their moral justifications allow them to behave in ways that are also contrary to love and contrary to restoration as a whole.

Take some of these for example:

• "My mate cheated. Therefore I need to teach them what it feels like by doing the same to them."
• "It's only fair that they hurt as badly as I hurt. I've got a free pass to treat them however I choose since they cheated on me."
• "They didn't love me; therefore, I don't have to love them."
• "They did this first, so none of it is my fault."
• "How much can one person take? The gloves are coming off now...."

While these reactions are understandable, they are in fact, contrary to love, restoration, and the overall recovery process of the individuals involved and the marriage.

Moral justifications allow both parties to abandon their vows and act in ways that are contrary to intrinsic values. If you believe in love, how can eye for an eye, or a tooth for tooth be part of your behavior set?

We forget that people change by contrast–not by conflict–and there's a huge difference between the two. It's not responding in reciprocity to those that wound us that creates change. It's responding with love and compassion that provides the necessary contrast to convict the other party of their bad behavior. If you believe infidelity is wrong, how could you be deceived into thinking cheating is okay?

To do so requires first betraying ourselves and what we believe to be right. We'll never be true to others until we first learn to be true to self—and that's not the same as pleasing self. Being true to self is about living consistently with our own morals and values.

These are but small samples of the ways moral justifications are utilized when having an affair.

Here are some suggestions for how to combat moral justifications:

See what you do: Before entertaining an affair, consider the impact it will have on others in your life. Failure to consider the costs allows you to believe it's a “victimless crime” and, I assure you, it's certainly not.

Anti-justification: Instead of telling yourself why this is okay, ask the follow up question, "Why isn't this okay?" Frequently looking at the other side of the coin is all that's necessary to gain perspective. Talking to others who've already been though something similar is another way to gain perspective.

My beliefs: Do you believe it's okay to cheat? If not, then try and identify the moral justifications you might use to travel down that pathway. Be honest with yourself about what you do believe and have the integrity to live accordingly.

Love and compassion: If your goal is to be loving and compassionate, then do a daily inventory of your level of love and compassion to those at home. When loving them becomes the goal, it becomes harder to justify being an unfaithful spouse.