Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Six Types of Affairs: Fallen in Love

types of affairs
6 Types of Affairs:

Category 1: One Night Stand
Category 2: Fallen in Love
Category 3: Sexual Addiction
Category 4: Wanting the Marriage and the Affair
Category 5: Emotional Affair
Category 6: Love Addiction

Category 2: Fallen in Love

In this affair type, the unfaithful spouse has an intense attraction to the other person. The unfaithful spouse believes they've fallen in love, and feels powerless over these powerful emotions. These overwhelming emotions are an indication of what is called limerence. It is not uncommon for the betrayer to feel guilty over what they are doing, but they justify their behavior by telling themselves that they love their mate but are no longer in love with their mate. They often tell themselves they mistakenly married the wrong person and have discovered their one true soul mate. They might think, "If it feels so right, how can it be wrong?" These relationships may spring from existing friendships that transform into an obsession as emotional intimacy grows over time. They may also spawn from the spontaneous attraction that is referred to as love at first sight.

The driving force for this type of affair is the intense emotion generated by infatuation. The unfaithful spouse is obsessed with the other person and at the very least will be ambivalent about the marriage. They believe they can never be happy unless they get to be with the one they love. When they are with their mate, they're miserable and when they are with the other person, they feel alive but guilty.

It's not uncommon for the unfaithful spouse to unconsciously rewrite the marital history and believe they've never been happy in the marriage. Let me be clear - while all marriages have problems, the marriage itself is never more than 1/3 to blame. In a "Fallen in Love" affair, unfaithful spouses typically use these marital defects as justifications to continue the affair. While this description may cause you to believe the situation is hopeless, please know that it is not. There are many couples who have recovered and will even report that they are grateful that they were able to reconcile. If you are in this category, don't lose hope.

Characteristics of a "Fallen in Love" Affair:

  • The betrayer believes they can never be happy in the marriage.
  • Their justification for the affair is that they are in love.
  • The intense emotions generated by this type of affair may lead them to sacrifice life as they know it for the opportunity to be with their affair partner.
  • Frequently, there is a pattern of the betrayer swinging back and forth between the marriage and the affair partner. When they are at home trying to do what is right, they are miserable and feel they will never be happy. When they are with their affair partner, they are ecstatic, but may be feeling so guilty that they can't stand it. So, they move back home, only to feel miserable and believe, once again, that they can never be happy unless they go back to the affair partner. This dance of insanity can continue for years.
  • The betrayer often seems incapable of making a decision about what they are going to do. Even though the betrayer doesn't want to be in the marriage, other factors may keep them from choosing divorce. For example, feelings of guilt or of failure may cause them to stay. There may also be strong feelings regarding what is best for the kids, so they may decide to stay for the children.


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marital problems

I am facing a similar situation. My question is how can I stop the infatuation that I feel for this other person. Like this case, I am risking everything I work so hard and it took me so long to build for this other woman that I just met. Whoever hears my story would think that I lost my mind, and now that I am retiring and I should be able to relax and enjoy my life and I facing a possible divorce and financial ruin for being with this other person. This situation is driving me to the cliff and I feel that I am some point I am going to have to make a decision that I probably will regret for the rest of my life. Simple for a chance to enjoy a feeling that I never experienced in my marriage of 27 years. I am desperate, and I don't know what to do.


Can you honestly say that you "never experienced" that feeling in your marriage of 27 years? My ex said that same thing to me. Yet I remember many wonderful memories we had together throughout our marriage. Fight for your marriage, for your spouse. It's worth it.

Marital problems

Jose- i am in the EXACT same position as you. It’s exhausting. It’s amazing how my thought process can swing wildly from one thing to the next when I’m trying to rain in my own head. You posted this 10 months ago. I’m wondering if you have an update? I wish I had advice for you, but I stumbled on this website looking for some myself!

My wife just discovered my

My wife just discovered my love affair a week ago. There’s evidence of my thoughts to leave her. Now I am not so sure how I feel about either partner. I love both. But to stay in this now broken marriage seems so much more daunting than simply moving on with my affair partner. The back and forth description in this article is very real. And now that I’ve been discovered it seems my time is running out. My wife claims to want to try to save the marriage but it’s so painful and there’s no guarantee we’ll ever get over it. Is it worth trying to save? Is it guilt or love that’s making me stay at this point? Sorry this was more of a rant than a reply to your dilemma

Bill, you seem like a decent

Bill, you seem like a decent man. And I understand your dilemma. Please read about what type of people have affairs and think about your affair partner in this context. Is she a narcissist? Is she a sexual addict? Or is she a lonely heart (possibly like you)? Affair relationships almost never last. Marriages do. Are you in positive circumstances to begin a lasting loving relationship whilst it begun by cheating on your wife? Even if your affair partner isn't a narcissit and is genuinely a lonely heart, if you chose her she will soon start to worry when you will cheat on her, since that's how you begun the relationship with her, by cheating on your wife. Affairs almost never last, they are not designed that way. It is usually two people parasiting on each other for attention, thrill, self-esteem, desire or admiration, it's an escape from realities of life, responsibility, work, chores, kids, household. When youn turn your affair partner into your wife it all goes to hell, because the thrill is over and she has turned into your wife, and likely way worse than your first wife who was actually a decent woman and wasn't knowingly dating a married man, because you were single when you met her. Good luck to you.

Having affair n with a Married man

All the while I’ve been looking at all these posts everyone judging the single person in the affair as the wrong doer and how the married person should struggle and try nd save a marriage that was quite obviously broken to start with a marriage is something I’ve learned through years of experience a business contract designed BY MAN to keep people subdued from their feelings we all change grow as individuals over the years into different people , if you find. Vest for life through someone new in your later years why stick with something that you are miserable in to the end of your days . So what if both parties know one or the other is in a contract we have one life only, yes a decision should be made and quick smart else one will feel left out in the cold but it is a big decision but so is entering a affair a big decision let’s face it you’ve already taken the first step of leaving , I myself hung out for years in a destructive marriage which ended with death of.my partner who was on a suicidal mission by staying to save it effected the children to this day and myself picking up the pieces 12 yrs on instead of running and way before all because of a piece of paper ifalling for someone is natural if it ain’t working move on and live with the love you find if it is that special no reason why it shouldn’t last at the end of the day who ever you meet you have to try and trust as saintly as they seem you will never know the truth to them we all have secrets some a hell of a lot worse than others I am willing to trust the man I’m seeing whether it goes further or not it’s beautiful but there is certainly a deadline the same as any single person I date you can never fully trust anyone just go with the flow but as the affaires why rhebhwll should I not pursue what I want the same as any other person out there does not make me narcissist just some one trying to find that one person people get lazy that’s their faultde

Are you serious? Have a little class!

I am in love with a married man. I am not a narcissist. Your belief that lonely heart, narcissists have affairs is BS. Everyone has had a lonely heart at some time in their life.
My friends wife has not shown him any affection in two years. She had a choice. When the relationship started going down hill she let it go.
He and I started off as just friends. We have never had any sexual interaction at all.
Have you ever thought that maybe these things just happen. The ebbs and flows of life.
I can tell you this, my husband had an affair 17 years ago and it was the best thing that could have ever happened.
It was meant to be. Hurt like hell in the beginning, but I thank God that I’ve experienced the love I have. Could not have happened with him in my ex in my life.
And all of you who are worried about losing assets/money put y’all big boy and girl pants on.
Life is not about material things. I have read other post where assets were involved. Guy let the girl he loves go due to the love of money. He said it was the biggest mistake of his life. The money was not worth him losing her forever. He went back to this other girl and she said heck no. You chose a life with a wife who didn’t love you and money over me. Good by!

You post

I am in the same situation and I would love to talk to you more on this. I agree with you 110%


MaryBay - I can give you advice I wish someone would have given me 20 some years ago. Leave the affair today! I almost ruined my life and I clearly hurt my family, but I walked away from the affair and saved a good marriage and family. I can't believe I didn't have the clear mind or the guts to end the affair on day one. I have spent over twenty years trying to figure out how acted so out of character and selfishly hurt those I really love. Believe me, I know my advice is hard for you to follow right now, but you will be very glad you did when you stop the madness and start to heal. Stop it cold turkey!

Marital problems - Can't stop thinking about my affair partner

Jose and MaryBay,

I know exactly how you feel.....your posts are from awhile ago so I hope you both found peace in whatever decision you made. I have been realtively happily married for over 20 years but I cannot stop thinking about my affair partner. My lover and I broke it off a few years ago from myself due to the excessive guilt but we rekindled again over the past year and it has blossomed to a love that burns my chest and I cannot stop thinking about her. I do not want to hurt my family and the idea of walking away from a life I have built with my wife and children is horrifying but so is the idea of not being with my lover.....I cannot stop thinking about her but we have decided we can no longer see each other while still married because it is too hard.....she decided to end her marriage 5 months ago and is waiting for me but I just cannot seem to follow through (I tried for a few days but came back).......I do love my wife and would be giving up so much but the thought of never being with her again and forging a new life with her is devasting......I do not know what to do and so indecisive. I change my mind a couple of times during the day and cannot handle this uncertainty.


I know the article says this type of affair can last for years, but is that typical? How long do these type of intense affairs usually last?


My husband's lasted for 20 years and he still couldn't stop pursuing her after she ended it until I found out. He only stayed for the family as noted in the article. Although he wants the marriage to continue, I have never compared to her and I see no hope of it improving,

My husband had an obsessive

My husband had an obsessive type of affair for almost 6 years before deciding to finally leave me (which didn't work out as then he had a breakdown and we have since been trying to repair). So seeing your comment of a 20 year affair has really stood out to me as there really isn't as much information out there about long-term affairs. I'm trying to understand the 'type of affair' it was but it's refusing to be defined. He behaved as in limerence but everything suggests that limerence doesn't last that long. He claims it was real love and that they 'just had a connection'. He supposedly told her throughout that he still loved me but who knows. We don't have children so he didn't stay because of that. He found it very difficult to give up contact after the big reveal and spent months deciding who to be with.

We can't compare to the affair partner because it's not real life. There are no bills, childcare, frail parents, dogs getting sick on the rugs and bins to put out. But even though you remind yourself of that it still hurts like hell. I'm so sorry he put you through that.

The other woman

I am involved in an intense love affair with a married man for 2 years now. He was faithful for 35 years to his wife. We met and there was an immediate very intense and extremely powerful draw between us. It is the first time for me feeling like this and to be completely honest I have now way to explain the actual emotions so I won’t try. He said when he got married he was 22 and did not have the maturity and experience to make an informed choice about who he may be most compatible with. I think sometimes it is a mistake to be hold ppl to a promise they made over 30 years ago based on very limited experience. He is thinking about ending the marriage but as we all know it is a painful process and involves many emotional and financial considerations, family and societal expectations and feeling of shame. Sometimes two ppl meet at he most unexpected time and evoke something so powerful that is almost impossible to resist. I did not believe this until it happened to me. I am not condoning infidelity. I am not saying it’s right. I am just saying it is a human experience that we still know so little about.

The other woman

If the married man tried to put as much into his marriage as he did to you he would have a wonderful marriage. Wait til you get to 5 or 10 years and believe me he will be looking for that rush again. Has he moved out of his home. Is he living with you every single day. Are you trying to pay off a mortgage, bring kids up, take kids to all their activities, work, etc etc or does he see you whenever he can. The affair isn't real. Yes we can have attractions to other people that is the norm but a good partner doesn't cross the boundaries but should put their effort in to reinventing their marriage and making it fun again, but many think that is too hard and stray but there is a lot of energy that goes into betraying as well so why not use that to make your marraige fantastic again.

Emotional affair with someone I’ve loved for years

I am really struggling. I have recently started counseling to sort through all of my feelings toward my marriage. I have a close friend, whom I have loved for years. We were together for a time about 6 years ago, and I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 2. We have had 2 beautiful children. We have always talked through the years, nothing inappropriate, just talked about life and how each other was doing. His sister is my best friend, and I am close with their family so I have seen him a lot over the years. Well recently, we have seen a lot of each other. I was around his family a lot during my second pregnancy, and his sister always invites him to be around when we are hanging out. We have always gotten along great, and the chemistry has always been present. Other people notice it and constantly ask why we didn’t date etc. The only reason we didn’t date officially when we were together the first time was I was scared to lose his or his sisters friendship if it didn’t work out. Fast forward, I’ve been with my husband through the pandemic, and sometimes I wonder if that is why we got married. I’m not someone whose going to lie and say he’s terrible, because he is not. He is a good man, he is a good father, and he works hard, but there are so many things that are pulling us further apart. I’ve never felt so alone. He won’t talk to me about life or himself, and sexually it is non existent. And I have tried to talk to him about how I am unhappy and unsatisfied and we need to make changes or this isn’t going to be enough for me. Anyways, I find myself wanting my friend more and more. He’s the only person I have ever been with that I can recall every memory, and physical interaction. And I have never felt that for my husband. I feel like my husband has been the safe choice and has provided me with two wonderful kids. I just don’t know what to do if I feel this way after only two years. I always thought marriage would be lifelong for myself but I don’t know what to do to change how I feel. I keep asking myself if my friend wasn’t in the picture, would I feel the same, and I think the answer is yes.

Fallen in Love?

I am going through something similar to this, however, my question is, how do you know if you are rewriting history? How do you know you aren’t legitimately in love with the newfound partner?
I felt for years that I was longer in love with my wife prior to meeting the person I do believe o am in love with. I’ve never felt emotions like this.
In the back of my mind I always felt like I was staying with my wife until the kids got to college (if I could hold out that long), but the fights and arguments and distance was growing between me and her.
I feel guilty because I know what I am doing is wrong, but I have zero desire to reconcile with my wife. I would rather be lonely because I’m alone than because I’m with the wrong person.
I’m just curious how you know if the feelings are legitimate versus my judgment is so cloudy right now that I can’t see the truth.


The #2 scenario is my situation to the tee.
I met a women on a beautiful day, in a beautiful way. Was an 80* February evening at the beach. Was on the road for work, close enough to go sit at a bar at the beach. Perfect evening, she slides in next to me....We didn't stop talking for the last year. I was married and she couldn't wait around for me anymore to leave my wife. I didn't have the heart to divorce her, so I lost this beautiful women. I just broke off all communication with her
yesterday and I don't think I have ever felt this much despair. 50+ years old and i feel this much....I know I'll get over it but right now, it's all consuming. To Cope:
I started a journal and writing all my thoughts down. I completely disconnected form her.
After interacting with her pretty much all day, every day either by phone or texting. It's like cutting my own heart out.
My wife is a sweet, decent person. Over the years we have grown apart especially because I traveled so much in the last years. We are more like friends these days and really not lovers. I don't know how to or if its even possible to spark it up. We haven't had sex in years. Im not even blaming her, its just as much my fault.
Now I am in a lonely marriage, I lost this unbelievably beautiful, exciting person. My life will never be the same. However, I did save my wife from feeling the way I feel and for that I am happy, cause I wouldn't wish this desperation on anyone.

Chest is empty

I know the feeling my friend. I have been married for over 20 years to a beautiful, fun woman and never thought I had the ability to fall into an affair that would leave me so indecisive and torn. I met a woman through work a number of years ago and we had a torrid 4 month affair....I broke it off due to guilt and the devastation it would cause to both of our marriages....it was hard but necessary in my mind.....well we started to rekindle the past couple of years, first for lunches, then moving on to more things until eventually the last year has been so full of love and romance. She has now left her husband and is waiting for me to do the same thing so we can start our "new" life together but I just cannot pull the trigger on ending my marriage.....walking away from my life, wife, children, etc terrifies me but the thought of losing her is just as horrible.....I am so torn and indecisive. The thought of losing this woman feels like my heart is being torn out and feel sick at the thought of losing her.

Should I be worried

My partner of 1 year and 7months and I we’re having a conversation and he openly admits to me to he had a previous crush with a girl From his old college before he met me. He was desperately seeking her and wishes things worked out with them two. He said she has a unique characteristic that’s he’s been looking for and this is what made him constantly looking for it and different partners. I asked him have he found that characteristic now he said no. I didn’t say anything else. As a woman I do feel very emotional about it but again I am happy that I can create a safe space for my partner to have those conversations without shutting him down. My question is we have plans on getting married in two weeks in court but I’m doubting that decision now. I am now praying and fasting on it leaving it up to God but my fear is I don’t want to marry the wrong person especially if I don’t have everything he’s desperately looking for.should I marry him or I’m being a bit over dramatic?

The other side

I'm in a situation where I've been married for just over 7 years now, but I've recently met someone that I believe is my soulmate. She is also married in a bad marriage. My marriage has been growing apart more and more as the years go on and it seems as though the more and more I do to try to mend fights and be a better husband, then the more my wife makes me feel like I'm not good enough. She is always comparing me to other husband's of people she knows who do everything she asks of me... but the problem is I never ask anything of her, I'm appreciative of the person she is and she is always enough and always does enough. But as I've said I've met another woman whom I feel this crazy insane connection that I've never felt before and I just feel so open with her. I can talk to her about everything, I've told her things about me that I've never told my wife because I just haven't been that comfortable with my wife. I feel as though I married my wife because she was kind and cared about me, as I did for her and she treated me well and for the first time I could tell she was a very faithful woman... unlike my previous relationships. It feels as though this new woman is perfect in everyway possible... she treats me so well and I can communicate with her so easy it's like nothing I've ever experienced before. We have not taken the relationship to anything physical yet... just purely emotional.. but I feel as though if I don't continue to pursue her than I will be missing out on my true soulmate... I've never felt about my wife, they way I feel about her. My wife and I have fights that seemingly are impossible to work through no matter how hard I try to talk through them or get her to talk through them... they always just seem to get worse. I'm stuck because I love my wife... I love her as the mother of my children... but I am not in love with her, and I'm not sure I truly ever was and that maybe I was just in love with the fact that she treated me well and wasn't going to cheat, and due to that I married her. Now I feel as though our differences are clashing so hard and this new woman and I have almost no differences, we have the same thought process and it's just so easy to talk to her about everything without being worried about what she will think about me. It's completely effortless.


I think you know what to do then.
Yes, the practical and financial problems are huge, but only short-term.
And yes, you know that the marriage is already not really good. So you know exactly what you're giving up on and what you're winning.
Just do it...

You are lying to yourself

You are lying to yourself sadly I think. In one breath you say you wife is always enough and always does enough. But then you say you have engaged on an extramarital affair and feel a stronger desire for your emotional affair partner. You need to tell the truth to your wife about your betrayal of your marriage. Listen to Esther Perel's ted talks, she talks about how it is so much easier to desire something you are not allowed to have, an donce you are allowed to have it, (for example if you married your affair partner) then the desire dies just as it does in your original marriage. Because a strong part of desire is for what you want but cannot have. once you can have it the feelings are not the same. I just think you are very likely to go through life always feeling dissatisfied no matter what you have because the grass is always greener. Regardless, you need to give your wife the respect of telling her about the affair as soon as possible as the longer the deception goes on the more pain for her. Then she can begin grieving and plan her decisions for her healing and future.

Affair relationships can end with happy endings

I was in the same exact position as you were in and my ex at the time would cut me down and I was a self employed contractor at 20-23 years old and would work 7 days a week sometimes just to make 300 bucks during the winter when work would drop for a month or so and she would let me know I was failing but he sitting at home all day on her phone and I'd have to bathe and cook dinner for the kids and clean the house and she wouldn't even help or offer...the final straw was when she told me I was selfish because I bought her a vintage style engagement ring for 1600 and didn't buy her the style she liked like her ex did (she was making payments on her own ring with her ex) after she told me that I went numb...everything she did in the past all the sudden made me resent her ..when I bought her an 03 BMW that was very clean and it was 14 or 15 years old but she told me it was not new enough and I had two friends that were married and my friend would treat his wife like absolute crap and play video games with no job and even made her get on the roof and clean gutters because his grandma asked him to and yes they looked very with his grandma and everytime I came over she would be silent and just go to there room and sit in there while her husband and his grandma would gossip about her and he couldn't even get her gifts and just spent her money on her payday on video games and I will say me and her had a silent crush freshman year and I guess we both held on to it and one night I got very drunk and decided to message her and tell her my true feelings and she had the same feelings and we had an affair and we are not proud but if we never pulled the trigger we would've never gotten out of our toxic relationships and we are 6 years together very happy and 5 years married and have a little girl and we literally both cried when we finally physically know ced away and left our ex s and moved in together...I always say marriages or relationships are no different then 2 best friends...if you get treated like crap by the person whose supposed to be your best friend then eventually your not going to want to be around them anymore and meet a new best friend...I don't condone cheating but if you've seen first hand how she's treated and know he's a bad person for sure than don't feel bad for giving her a good life and giving yourself to her as a good companion. There's big difference between serial lust cheaters and once in a lifetime cheaters to be with your soulmate

Marriage over long ago

Marriage of convenience, no romantic or affectionate love or physical for many years. Brother and sister relationship, spouse was abusive for many years. Forgave but now I am going to move on for me. I'm a caregiver as well..plate too full..I want my own life back to include my lover and friend. I want to marry that person.

Love Affair

I’m happy I found this page, so many people offering such good advice. I am in a difficult situation myself. My husband and I have been together ten years. We have two kids, a home and we’ve built a good life together. My husband is a good person. But only two years into our relationship things started started to shift, he was this happy person when we first got together but then he started acting unhappy. I thought to myself that I didn’t even know who I married. Fast forward 8 more years, I have spent all that time being devoting myself into being the best mom, wife and homemaker all while keeping a job outside the home and I had lost myself. Last year went through I terrible time with my oldest child, I was emotionally and physically devastated and I stopped sleeping. For the past 10 months I’ve been existed on very little sleep. I tried for months to talk to my husband, to tell him I’m struggling but he has had this way of just pretending like everything is fine, like I’m just fine and I should just get myself over it. I know my husband can’t help it, that’s just who he is. A few months ago I started an affair with a man over been attracted to for 15 years. We could never date due to timing and our jobs. I reached out to him and I never intended for an affair to start but I have for so emotionally disconnected from my husband for years and I perused that in my affair partner. The connection between me and this other man is intense. It’s not just physical and sexual, it’s emotional and mentally too. I have really never felt so drawn to someone before. I have always been a very confident, good looking and physically fit person who is generally happy and outgoing but this other man makes me feel nervous and excited. For the first time I actually care about keeping someone and not losing them. My husband found out about my affair and had been supportive and loves me enough to forgive me and work on our marriage. My husband blames himself which I hate, it’s not his fault, it’s mine. I have told my husband that I’ve ended it but I haven’t, I can’t let it go. The thought of never being with this other man again tears me up. My husband and I have built a good life together, he gives me love, security and comfort and I can’t leave him because I wouldn’t be able to support myself and my children. I stay for my children and the life I want them to have. I do feel that I love my husband, he’s such a good person it’s hard not to. But I haven’t felt in love with him for a long time. I’m stuck in more than one way. I love this other man and he has said he loves me as well. When I’m with him, he is my escape. I don’t have to think about anything else, just him. I know that’s not sustainable but I can’t seem to let him go and stop seeing him. I’ve become a dishonest and terrible person, I have so much guilt but I can’t seem to stop. I want to be with this other person so much that I’m willing to tear myself up inside just to have moments with him. I feel like I’m being torn in to pieces and losing myself in this affair.

I hear you. I'm in the same

I hear you. I'm in the same situation, just no kids. I simply can't let go and it's killing me. I can't imagine my AP being with any other than me. But this whole situation drove me to my mental health deteriorating and further pursuit of divorce would make it even worse. So I'm slowly coming to terms of letting go just to save my mental health.

May I ask?

What did you decide to do??

I had to go to a psychiatrist

I had to go to a psychiatrist to take medicine because my mental health was getting worse. After my emotions calmed down a bit I started to reframe my AP in my head and I have realized, with the help of my therapist, that a lot of my confusion whether I should stay with my husband or leave for my AP was caused by my AP emotionally manipulating me. I slowly started to talk to my AP less and less since cutting all the contact immediately was too painful. I still suffer and cry every day and I miss him a lot, but behind that I know that my relationship with my AP probably wouldn't last. It's very hard for me to find any feelings for my husband and we're living next to each other for now, but all of this has been very fresh.
I got a mental breakdown because my AP would push me to finally make a decision and divorce, at the same time my husband was also doing it, and it was when I started parking it struck me that I'm really losing a lot for a person I've never really lived with. My husband really loves me and he never really wanted anything from me, yet my AP would make emotional demands, which in turn made me feel guilty.
If you struggle, just sit down and try to evaluate who your AP really is to you. I have moved to my parents for 2 weeks and I cut myself off from both men to do that. It helped. I could see that my AP, even though I love him a lot and I feel anxiety that he will have another woman in the future and that it won't be me, was actually emotionally abusive at times, making me feel guilty for not being with him and for him only. He would look upon other people for guidance instead of thinking for himself. I still love him but my mental health got a bit better since I actually moved away from him. I feel less confused and I can see more through these rose-tinted glasses.

Thank you

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I can relate to a lot of this. My AP isn’t emotionally abusive but I do feel my emotions spiraling. I’ve always been a very confident and emotionally independent person but with my AP, I feel insecure, I get so emotional over him and I feel that I love him so much that losing him would crush me. I’ve never been so afraid of getting hurt my someone. He has told me he wants me to himself and I get that but with my situation and my kids, I can’t just pack up and leave my life. I would be sacrificing everything. I take all the risks and I do all the work for this affair. My affair partner tells me that he’s mine, that he doesn’t want anyone else but me, he tells me he loves me with all his heart and he wants me all the time but I still feel insecure and emotional over him. This affair is changing me as a person. I miss him all the time when I can’t be with him, it’s making me irritable and emotional. But when I’m with him, I feel so happy. It’s like this high I get from him. I know I should break away from this affair but actually taking the first steps to do so is terrifying. I might try what you did, start talking to him less and less and see if that starts to help me think more clearly. Right now my emotions are all over the place and my mind feels so confused.

Extra marital affair

Hi Amber I am reading your story. Can u please update me how things are going. I'm exactly 100% in the same boat as you.

Still the same

I’m still in the same situation. I’m still with my husband and I also haven’t ended the affair. My emotions are still all over the place. I realized last night that this affair is turning me into a different person. I’m not only dishonest and unfaithful, I’m also becoming weak and insecure and constantly looking for some sort of validation from my AP. I can see myself doing it too but I can’t seem to stop it. I care about my husband, I have no anger or resentment towards him but I can’t seem to get past all my emotions and my AP. It’s like I just can’t love my husband anymore. I have so much guilt and anxiety that it’s hard to take sometimes. I feel like I love my AP so much that losing him would crush me.

The effects of the affair are lessoning

I’ve been reading so much about affairs and the emotions involved. Affairs aren’t real life, they’re fantasies and while you’re in it, the AP seems like everything your spouse isn’t, it’s exciting and perfect but it’s not real. Real life doesn’t touch it, it’s an escape from reality and the stresses of everyday life. My AP is hard to let go of. I’ve realized after some time he’s selfish and manipulative. I know without a doubt that we would never have true happiness with each other but it is still hard to sort through all the emotions of love, limerence, dependence, excitement with all the negative ones and reality. I have started to see my AP for who he really is, the choices he made, the women he’s hurt and his personality and I’ve started to talk to him less. Breaking away cold turkey is too painful so right now I’m writing everything down, working on myself and my confidence and just sorting through it all. My AP has a way of playing on a woman’s sympathy when he feels like he’s losing her and he pulls you back in. He will promise you the world but has no real intention of giving you it. I’m left reeling by it all and emotionally exhausted and drained but I am getting stronger. I know that one day I will be strong enough to walk away completely but not yet. I’ve been humbled so much by my husband, the man I cheated on for months and hurt. He loves me truly unconditionally, he’s been by my side, talking to me and trying to make me feel better and build my confidence back when I’m the one that hurt him. He’s truly a remarkable human being, never angry or vindictive. He just loves me. I think I’ve always known this about my husband, I’ve always loved him but sometimes you just forget. You forget that love, and appreciation for the person you’re with every single day. It’s not exciting or passionate anymore, it’s steady and boring and stressful. It’s easy to forget your spouse. I’ve been really focusing on the beginning, when I first met my husband to be, how I felt, how we were together and it helps a lot. Being with someone decades, dealing with everyday life together, going through difficult times, making it through challenges and hardships with someone, having that steady life partner and best friend and sticking with it, even when times aren’t great, even when it’s not exciting or fun is truly beautiful. That’s what really matters in the long run, not the affair. It’s hard, I know it is. I still feel like I love my AP, I felt that I couldn’t lose him or be without him. I was addicted to him and that feeling of excitement and the great sex. But it’s lessoning and it’s becoming clearer. It will get better.

Affair effects

Hi Amber, I nearly started crying reading this. I am the betrayed spouse, hoping my wife develops the mindset you have. We have been married for nearly 11 years, been through so much. We have struggled over the past year with my new job causing so much stress and us both neglecting the marriage. She has ended up seeking comfort with someone when I wasn't there for her. Cue January and she wants to separate, she is now living with this person and I am having to put up with them playing happy families with our two boys. I know she knows deep down that what she is doing is wrong. She has shut people out, and I am struggling to identify how much of this is also due to him as well (she has admitted she thinks he was/is obsessed with her). My hope is that introducing reality into their situation (i.e. removing the desire element as you say) will cause the relationship to burn out quicker, and she will see him/them for what it really is. That it is not authentic, unconditional love that we have for each other. I'm not going to wait around though for the hope of this happening. Ultimately I need to move on and what will be will be. She has not mentioned divorce (combination of Emotional Affair, Fallen in love and Can't decide between Affair and Marriage) and doesn't want to think about anything difficult like finances etc at the moment. Wake up call incoming. I have enough self esteem to know that I am a far better person than her AP. It's whether she realises that in time.


All you people on here telling these stories don’t realise you come across as immature children. For your own sake read your stories back to yourselves and be aware that even if you leave your marriage a couple of years down the road you will probably be in exactly the same position, having destroyed everything in your wake.


Must be nice to play god and judge others. Seek to understand not to judge even if you disagree.


If you love your husband stop the affair ASAP. Think of what he deserves. Does he serve the dishonesty, deceit, and false relationship? Probably not. If you can't stop the affair then be honest with your husband and divorce. You are wasting his valuable time and eventually destroying him emotionally. Think of what you're robbing him of. If you're not IN LOVE with your husband then you're also robbing yourself. An affair nothing more than destructive as time passes.

It's heartbreaking, the lies, the anger.

I been with my.woman for 2 years now. First I was coming g out of a divorce and we had talked as good friends from the past. Long story we hit it off and I fell stronger and stronger in love with this woman. She had me move in after about 6 months it was all great. She would tell me things like it was almost everything a man would want to hear. I was her best everything. Of course I questioned that with her she would eventually get defensive about it. Then the lies started, over some strong stuff not chesting but chose to stay and work through it she confessed... Then ad another yesr went on we where loving but I would still question her love. it didn't seem completely genuine like too good to be true but kind of not. We have kids and everythi g not together but step... Then I found out for almost several months she had been distant and I am on night shift. I discovered constant day in and day out her using Messenger snap chats photo stuff. She says defensively that it was all to ME! I said no it was not all to me we wouldn't be talking 3 am and such I mean day in and day out constant.messengers.. She is a nice model type body and everything. I noticed while she was at work she was contacting someone I know I am at home sleeping during the day but she would tell me she is busy st work she can't talk much but here she was constantly with someone... I have no said proof but there was a man in her OTHER older Facebook messenger saying how awesome she is and she is well mda and she makes his heart beat in a thousand ways! I confronted she said it was a scam. I then found 5 years ago the same person on ANOTHER YET ANOTHER Facebook account t of hers and this fake man's profile saying she is beautiful of a pic she shared. He'll he commented congrats on one of our pics early on and I didn't notice who it was...Im at the point t not is thst I am seriously in love with this woman and don't want to believe any of this stuff. She basically turns it all around on me and says that I need to get the crap put of my head and if I think she had done something that we need to split up.... Of course she knows and thinks I know she had done everything.... She just doesn't sit alwith me she walks away during conversation and yet I still stick with her because we can get along so awesome and everything but she still tells me I am her man she loves me and would marry.ke one day... She won't budge though she days she hasn't spoke to a single soul this entire time... My gut, I seen her phone with the stuff where she wad checking when her period was coming and snap chatting at the same time at 230am... She even got on another chat service and claims she had bumped the app that she didn't use it!! Wow!! Like she has to know I am not that stupid and boy I tell her bit it gets us nowhere but arguments and it's all me that can't just be in a loving relationship with her!!! We are trying to work on it bit it seems now that I see stuff for what it is now that I didn't see 2 years ago and it seems like I am just living with her so she has a good guy to be with and a good reputation. Bcauase.if ots this person or whomever else they weren't good at one point and that would look horrible on her...We still are intimate but I notice I only I initiate it... I don't know what do do I adore the heck out of her. She cries when we argue but instead of in front of me and reconciling saying hey I want this to work she doesn't and cries on her own and I ask her why she doesn't say... I think she feels bad but her anger shouldn't be there I am not a mean guy to her I just tell her I been reaching out trying to meand us and she says she already says she wants to be with me and to have a normal relationship bit it all seems like she just wants me not to ask questions and to just go on with the relationship... There's a ton more but I can't get into all of it... Thanks!

A love affaire

I met this man when he was married for 6 month. We got attracted to each other over a short period. Long story short, now our affair is going on for 5 month. We haven’t had sex because he feels guilty anytime we get too intimate with each other and I myself don’t wish it to happen while he is married. He claims that he would love the idea of leaving his wife and start with me but he can’t do it to her innocent wife. Me too don’t want that. I don’t want to ruin another woman’s life. We love each other so much and have a great time with each other. But we both know we are doing a wrong thing. I have never cried this much before, I hate myself, I’m miserable all the time and I know that I deserve it! It kills me to not be able to be with the one that I truly love, to not be his priority, to not having him all the time. At the same time there is this huge guilt. I’m ashamed of myself. The burden of this secret relationship is devastating. I tried to brake it off twice within the past 5 month. But even mentioning it kills both of us. Every single minute of my life is like a torture now. The Idea of him telling his wife that he loves her, the idea of the two of them getting intimate kills me, and i know he does all of those things with her. Yet how could i want someone else’s husband? How could I possibly wish their marriage ends? I can’t even stand wishing to be with the one that I love! I know that I deserve to suffer!
He doesn’t know that I’m suffering this much but I guess he feels the same way. I don’t know what to do.

I am unhappily married I’ve

I am unhappily married I’ve been with my husband 8 years we have had more. Downs then ups to be. Honest I started working in a pub a year ago and. Get quite a lot of attention
About 4 months ago the most unbelievable handsome man walked in and it was love at first sight for. Me
He started talking and low and behold I have. Him my number a couple of months. Back.
I thought he wouldn’t text me but he did my smile was from ear to ear,we met for a drink and a. Chat I told him I’m not happy and we kept meeting
We are having a full blown affair we stayed. In a hotel for the night I had to say I was going to a house party to my husband
When me and the. Other. Bloke was together he. Turned round to me and said do you love me and I said yes. I do I said you and. He said maybe. I am so in love. With this bloke. He. Ticks all the boxes I don’t know what to do me and my husband keep arguing and he. Blames me for everything that is happening he doesn’t know about this bloke and I’m in the verge. Of leaving my husband because I am not happy

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