Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Is it Love or Infatuation?

I want you. I want you now, yesterday, and forever. Above all, I want you to want me. No matter where I am or what I am doing, I am not safe from your spell. At any moment, the image of your face smiling at me, of your voice telling me you care, or of your hand in mine, may suddenly fill my consciousness, rudely pushing out all else.

The expression "thinking of you" fails to convey either the quality or quantity of this unwilled mental activity. "Obsessed" comes closer but leaves out the aching. A child is obsessed with Christmas. But it’s a happy prepossession full of excitement, curiosity, and expectation. This prepossession is an emotional roller coaster that carries me from the peak of ecstasy to the depths of despair and back again.

Everything reminds me of you. I try to read, but four times on a single page some word begins the lightning chain of associations that summons my mind away from my work, and I must struggle to return my attention to the task at hand.

Enter "Limerence"

Have you ever uttered such words or known someone who fits this description? If so, then you witnessed the impact of what Dorothy Tennov refers to as "Limerence." Do you believe what’s expressed above is love, or is it obsession?

Failure to understand the difference might cause the loss of what you hold dear.

Dorothy Tennov coined the term "Limerence" in her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. The term was used to describe a condition she had witnessed in her interviews with over 500 people on the topic of love in the mid-1960s. Tennov described limerence as an intense romantic desire. It’s a form of "crazy love" that consumes the thought life of those so stricken. Today that same condition is frequently considered to be a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), but in the world of mental health a diagnostic code for "crazy love" has yet to be assigned. Perhaps that is due to the different states of love.

Limerence isn’t a new concept, its dangerous power has been made known though the ages by authors such as Johann Wolfgang von Goethe in his novel The Sorrows of Young Werther2 and by countless eerie "love" songs such as "Addicted" By Kelly Clarkson:

It's like you're a drug,
It's like you're a demon
I can't face down,
It's like I'm stuck,
It's like I'm running from you all the time.3

Limerence is an intense form of romantic love characterized by an emotional attachment or even an obsession with another person, which usually is involuntary, and which contains a strong desire for the reciprocation of those feelings. According to Tennov, the romantic attachment is such that the emotional state of the limerent (the person who is in limerence) is dependent on how the relationship is fairing. If the other party returns their love and affection then they are euphoric, but that feeling is balanced out by the dread of losing the relationship. If they feel the other person doesn’t return their "love" or if they feel the other party is moving away from them they can become despondent, depressed and even suicidal. At any given moment the state of their emotional well-being is dependent on how the object of their affection responds or whether life’s circumstances support or block their relationship.

According to Helen Fisher, PhD, in Anatomy of Love, increased levels of norepinephrine and dopamine in the pleasure center of the brain drive the passion of limerence, and since lust is involved there are also increased levels of testosterone. After about two years a couple will move into the attachment stage, where you see an increase of vasopressin and oxytocin, and the other hormones return to normal. Most couples in attached relationships have less sex than those in the infatuation stage. The phrase "addicted to love" applies to women and men who crave the excitement (and the sexual activity) of infatuation, floating from one intense affair to the next, leaving a pile of heartbroken, attachment-seeking partners in their wake.4

Being rebuffed by the other person or having the relationship impeded by external forces only makes matters worse. Unfulfilled desire requires the dopamine center to work harder to produce rewards, over-stressing the brain’s ability to maintain equilibrium. This is often the condition that then triggers the obsessive component of limerence.

The Married Couple and Limerence

While the obsession created by limerence can be life altering for singles, it is life destroying for those who are married. It’s not even something they have to go out and look for; it’s a chemical reaction that typically is involuntary. The resulting surge in norepinephrine and dopamine will almost immediately eliminate what ails the limerent. Those I’ve worked with through the years report an almost immediate improvement of depressive statesand a new sense of feeling alive.

On those days where it feels the other person is moving toward them, the sky is bluer, the birds sing sweeter, the air seems fresher. If it seems for whatever reason things may not work out they can begin to feel more despair than they’ve ever known. For them and to them, it’s obvious their marriage is blocking them from what they need to be truly happy and fulfilled. It’s suddenly apparent that you’ve married the wrong person. Conviction and commitment tell you have no choice, you have to stay together for the kids and because of your beliefs about marriage, but you know you’ll never again feel happy in your marriage.

Over time it becomes easier to morally justify the relationship. Your happiness, possibly even your sanity, is tied to the other person and you can’t conceive continuing to live in the despair that you feel in your marriage. Your relational air supply is now tied to one outside your marriage and you know you’ll suffocate if you can’t continue seeing the other person. Even if you decide to end the relationship out of guilt and conviction, the desire you once felt for your mate has vanished and you can’t conceive of ever again having interest in your mate.

Love vs. Limerence

Before throwing away all you once held dear, would you like to know if what you’re experiencing is real or if it is the chemical state of limerence? Here are a few ways to tell the difference.

  1. Love acts in the best interest of another person. Limerence acts in your own self-interest. You know you can never be happy unless you get to be with this particular individual, no matter the cost to others.
  2. Love is a choice, not just a feeling. Even Jesus taught, "If you love someone who reciprocates and makes you feel good about yourself, what’s the big deal? But loving someone who is difficult to love is love divine."5 Limerence has no choice. Looking back over my own limerent state, something that disturbs me was my lack of choice. I wasn’t in control. I was being controlled by feelings stronger than I had ever imagined possible. Obsession isn’t love.
  3. Love consists of honesty and is willing to be realistic. Limerence is narcissistic by nature. According to Greek Mythology, Narcissus was the object of desire for Echo. Instead of responding he rebuffed her, telling her to leave him alone. She was heartbroken and spent the rest of her life roaming lonely hollows until nothing but an echo sound remained of her. Nemesis, the goddess of revenge, decided to punish Narcissus. She lured him to a pool where he saw his own reflection. He didn't realize it was only an image and fell in love with it. Notice Narcissus didn’t fall in love with himself, but with his own image. He reached out to his beloved, but the second his hand touched the water the image was distorted. He quickly withdrew his hand, but now there was no way for him to get the substance he so badly needed. Eventually he died at the side of the pool yearning for that which he loved. For the married limerent, it is much the same. The importance of the relationship is such that taking an honest look at themselves or the relationship disturbs the image and prevents them from getting what they so desperately need. Another aspect of limerence is what is called crystallization. The obsession of limerence robs you of your perspective and renders you incapable of properly weighing the negatives of your affair partner. You may be able to see the negatives, but in a limerent state those negatives are seen as strengths or assets. It’s not until the limerent state wears off that perspective is gained. Limerence is blind. To maintain the image of the relationship you have to ignore the obvious and desperately cling to how you want it to be.
  4. Love isn’t proud, but humble. At the most basic level humility is about trust. It’s about an ability to trust others with who you are. Thomas Merton said that humility consists of being "precisely the person you actually are before God." Love consists of a willingness to be intimate with who you are and what you’ve done.Limerence is rooted in shame. It is based on fear that you won’t get what you want and that others may see you as you really are.
  5. Love is about mutuality in relationships, about give and take. Limerence is about an infatuation with someone other than your mate. It leaves your mate in the dark with no clue to what is driving you.
  6. Love involves healthy sexual closeness and physical intimacy with your partner. Limerence is intially focused on attracting the affair partner’s attention and nothing more. The longing for the sexual connection within the limerent relationship is initially hidden to avoid pushing the other person away. Over time the sexual longing overcomes the will power of the one in the limerent state.
  7. Love is compassionate and caring to all those in your life. It is others-centered. Limerence is self-deceived and self-centered. One of my daughters was a Commercial Music Performance major at Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee. Only problem was she was she had severe performance anxiety. Her voice teacher was the one who cured her. Minutes before her recital her teacher pulled her aside and told her, "You are the most self-centered little diva I’ve ever worked with. All you ever think about is what others will think about you, instead of being worried about the message God has given you to deliver to others. Here’s the truth, if you are focused on what others think about you, you’re still only thinking about yourself, which makes you 100% totally self-centered. Now quit worrying about what others are thinking and get to the business for which you’ve been called."
  8. Love is about a healthy sexual relationship that is mutually satisfying. Limerence is manipulative, trying to get the other person to respond to you, while rebuffing your mate’s kindness and advances because now all that holds value to you is the attention of someone with whom you’ve become obsessed.

Before making any permanent decisions about the fate of your marriage, have the courage to look at yourself. Do the work necessary to understand your personal contributions to this mess. Seek to understand your mate rather than trying to get you mate to understand you. You’ll be amazed at what being concerned for others can do for how you feel about yourself.

If you’re in need of an ‘infidelity-specific’ approach, I’d highly encourage you to consider our EMS Online course. It’s a safe place for both spouses to heal and not only discover a way out of Limerance, but a way out of the darkness of hopelessness and despair.


  1. Tennov, Dorothy. Love and Limerence. Kindle Edition: Rowman & Littlefield, 1998.
  2. Goethe, Wolfgang von.The Sorrows of Young Werther. New York: Signet Books, 1774. Print.
  3. Clarkson, Kelly. Addicted. RCA, 2004. MP3.
  4. Fisher, Helen.Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray. New York: Ballantine Books, 1994.
  5. The New International Version Bible. New York: Oxford University Press, 2009. Print. (author’s paraphrase)

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Question on limerance

My husband was involved in an emotional affair which has completely devastated me and our marriage. We are trying very hard to understand what this woman meant to him and why he was obsessed with communicating with her every day. He swears that he would never have let his relationship turn physical which is difficult for me to grasp considering the level of infatuation he was experiencing. Can you explain further the statement "Limerence omits sexual fantasies, because its primary goal is to attract the affair partner’s attention and nothing more." ? I am not quite sure I understand why this would be true and I am desperately hoping this will help me to believe him. Thank you.

Change in Newsletter

Hello, Thank you for pointing that out. Rick has further clarified his point above: Limerence is intially focused on attracting the affair partner’s attention and nothing more. The longing for the sexual connection within the limerent relationship is initially hidden to avoid pushing the other person away. Over time the sexual longing overcomes the will power of the one in the limerent state.

Limerence or Love Addiction?

GREAT article. Very helpful. Thank you, Rick. Your insight continually amazes me. Could you possibly do another article on the difference between limerence and love addiction? You touched on it in a recent Q&A Call. It would be helpful if you could flesh it out a little more like you did here. Thanks!

Finding Healing

It has been 7 years since my wife had an affair with my best friend. We are still together, have had intensive counseling, and do love each other. But I still find that there are times I still hurt and I wonder if I will ever truly be whole again.

Going through the same

Been 5 years here since my husband told me he loved me but was not in love with me and left to be with his affair partner. After several months away he realized his mistake and moved back home but I still have moments of pain when I think of his infatuation being so strong for someone other than me. It can take me several weeks to pull myself out of feeling sad and put it aside again. I often wonder despite the work done and the renewed feelings if I should have moved on.

This article is really

This article is really helpful. I only wish there was a way to help someone (my husband) realize that they are feeling limerance. Is there? It seems like it's something they have to come to themselves. I just hope it won't be too late. Any insight on how long these kinds of obsessive relationships take to live themselves out? What if both parties are feeling the same type of addiction?

What if you are the betrayed spouse watching limerance?

Hi - I'm the one left behind. He refuses to even discuss the possiblity of limerance, let alone act on your suggestions to move forward. Is there any action for a bystander to take that may influence recognition of limerance? OR do we just lead the horse to water...?
thanks
-J

What if they refuse to admit/acknowledge EA

What if he refuses to acknowledge that he has become emotionally unfaithful & that she is much more than "just a friend"

Limerence

This may be one of the best articles I have read Rick. So helpful. How is it explained that the betrayed spouse (the one that is in love, not the limerent) is the one that becomes despondant or depressed?

What happens after the

What happens after the limerent indulges in the physical desire for sex? My H meets all of the qualifications and has been physically involved with the object of his affections as well. He has filed for divorce, although each time the object of his affections breaks off their relationship he returns despondent, depressed and angry seeking reconciliation. It is always halfhearted and terminates as soon as "she" returns. Where does this leave the heartbroken spouse and family?

Seems my marriage was probably based on limerance

Great article, Rick. While affairs have a lot of different nuances to them I do think most have limerance as one of the strong threads woven into it. Intimacy in marriage changes over time and the immature and self centered person will understand that. Which will feed their limerant obsession.
Interestingly, while reading your article I realize that my marriage itself was probably based on my husband's limerant obsession with me. I overlooked much of the obsessiveness (satisfying my own desire for a committed relationship) and I missed a lot of the red flags that would have indicated "trouble". My marriage survived for quite some time - until we had children and real life responsibilities Broke the Rose colored glasses my husband had on for me. Our dynamics changed and set the stage for the other woman (unhappy in her own marriage) to sink her claws into my husband (not the first of her affairs).
There is a big tangle of terms that fit my husband: narcissist, sex addict, emotionally and verbally abusive, angry, manipulator, and liar.
The worst part is that I allowed it for so long because I loved him. There was a lot to love about him - it's a shame he let the limerence change him - and wreck what would have been a good marriage had he chosen to (or been able to?) grow up.

I, like so many of the betrayed spouses, thought that we could love more and do more to make things better.
Forgiving him was easy because I loved him - or who he was before his own lies got the best of him. He was never willing to do the work to address his sex addiction or reconcile and heal the marriage because he couldn't stand to look inward. And that I guess is the narcissist.
I don't regret forgiving him and trying to reconcile. It was actually harder for me to forgive myself for giving him so much of my life (decades).
The hardest part to get over is how he monopolized the truth for so long and robbed me of the opportunity to let him go and be with his lover, and to find someone who would love me mutually. I lost the "best years" of my own life trying to do what was right for our family.
What amazes me is he still insists he loves me - Usually in terms of how he wants to be intimate with me, or that he doesn't want to be alone.
He still says vile things to me when we have disagreements.
Nope - he just doesn't get it.
It took a while - but I finally get it myself.
Our early marriage was based on limerence.

Exactly my feelings

Currently my husband and I are reconciled but I deal with a daily fear, did I make the right choice? I question myself because why on earth would I choose marriage again with him. It seems I love him or maybe I'm the one limerance just like he was with me when we first met.

Best article yet.

This is the best article you have written and should be a steady topic to help the betrayed better understand why their spouse can be so changes and smitten. Although knowing what limerance is doesn't help lessen the wound at least it might give slight comfort.

uncertainty

My husband had an affair and told me about it willingly...he says they can't be together and that he doesn't love and is not even sure if love exists. He is not attracted to me anymore he wants no responsibilities anymore-doesn't want to be a homeowner, be responsible for my happiness, etc I think he is in the middle of a midlife crisis and have asked to go to counseling..which he says is hewy. I said until I can say that I have tried everything I can think of to repair our marriage I don't want to call it quits. I said can you say that you have tried and he says no but I don't want to try anymore....any suggestions? I told him if I can't be intimate anymore can I at least have my best friend back...he says I won't like him as a friend anymore. I ask can I try to get to know this new person and he says you won't like him. Since there is no one else in his life-I don't want him or myself to end up alone...scared

What about those who don't begin with limerence?

What of unfaithful spouses who are lured into an affair by a relentless AP's overtly sexual advances, constant communication heavy with insinuating messages, constant "accidental" encounters, and touching and praises? What about those who aren't limerent when the affair begins, but rather become almost limerent in order to justify their betrayal?

What about men like my husband, who by his own admission, continued his affair almost two months past the point where he really didn't want/love/felt attracted to the AP any more, simply to spite me? He became so convinced of his own lie that I was trying to dictate who he could be friends with or speak to, that despite finding the AP "a nuisance, a chore, extremely demanding and annoying," he refused to end things because if he did so, it'd be like letting me get my way or some such nonsense. He basically would cut off his nose to spite his face... he may have found her a pest, but just so that I didn't get what I wanted (an end to their affair) he carried on almost two more months, until I had proof and things exploded into chaos.

What role, if any, does limerence play here?

I wish you would address

I wish you would address sexual addictions.

resources

https://www.affairrecovery.com/types-of-affairs/sexual-addiction

https://www.affairrecovery.com/radio/sex-addiction

https://www.affairrecovery.com/radio/willingham

https://www.affairrecovery.com/radio/fsa

https://www.affairrecovery.com/node/12070

Lol, I couldn't believe what

Lol, I couldn't believe what I was reading! Hopefully they found what they were looking for. I know I have through Harboring Hope, and my husband has through Hope for Healing. The next step for us in our journey to recovery is the EMS weekend!

Thanks Samuel. We attended

Thanks Samuel. We attended EMS July 2017. Unfortunately my husband has a sexual addiction, and his pride prevents him from getting help. He is currently in an affair with a woman he had been having an affair with before we were even Married ( the reason we came to AR), in a 10 month limerent relationship with a “girlfriend”, and likely still seeing porn, escorts, and massage parlors. He has stated he is leaving me for his girlfriend who is the love of his life. I am heartbroken but filing for divorce. The links you have shared are sure to help me. Regards, from Sierra Madre

Spot on!!

This essay nails something that I had recently figured out myself in my own situation. I recently discovered that my husband had reconnected with an old girlfriend through Facebook. Since he was not very phone savvy, I was intercepting some of her messages. It was all very classic and nothing new since this had happened three times previously with other women. He would always be very upbeat during these times. Then it happened to me. I became very attached to a coworker (never physical) and felt terribly guilty for the feelings. I realize now that I was absolutely starved for attention and affection. When I finally called him out on this relationship (a first for me), I found out it was much more serious than just texting and Facebook. It was nearly the end of a many year marriage. Everything has been good for some time because I can’t fault him totally because I understand the feelings and take some of the responsibility of if not giving him things he needed that drove him to look for affection and appreciation elsewhere. However, you are right that he has gone through depression and despair at ending this relationship. Its tough to watch. It makes me very sad that I’ve never been quite enough for him and that I never knew about her before we were married. He has made the choice to stay with me but not because of me but not wanting to lose kids and grandkids and retirement. This may not be over.

Limerance

This message describes me to a tee. How I'll get the strength to forego limerance and get back to loving my husband (in a sexless marriage I may add), I don't know but I know I need to. Thank you.

sexless marriage

I am glad you mentioned the sexless marriage. It is more common than you think, but I do not think it is an excuse for cheating.

The marriage vows say in sickness and in health, for better or for worse.

Limerance

You give definitions but no solutions. How does my mate conquer and defeat (overcome) this?

It would be impossible to put

It would be impossible to put everything in this one article. There are many other articles accessible in the free library and throughout the website. There's also Hope for Healing, a 17-week course with weekly conference calls for the unfaithful and their journey to recovery, as well as Harboring Hope for the betrayed and EMS (online and intensive weekend options) for couples. As a betrayed, I have found Samuel's YouTube vlogs, this website, and the courses to be life-changing! My husband, the unfaithful, is loving his course. My suggestion is to peruse the site a bit more.

Confused

I'm confused about this topic. While I have been put through a tough situation with my husband and his AP I dont understand why it's so easy to lie right to someone's face about what their doing. My husband and I had a discovery stage and he supposedly broke it off. Then he went back again bc recovery was to hard. Then he returned to me, begging, stating he was ready to do the work. All the while never ending communication or some contact with her. Little did I know about that last part. All the words and actions he was showing told me he was trying. The final discovery resulted in me contacting this women and it has supposedly ended again... I'm not sure what to believe at this point. His reaction to me was he was relieved that the circus was over and that he doesn't have to feel chaotic juggling his 2 lives. What I can't wrap my mind around is, how could he do so much damage to me, with this ongoing relationship, but now act like he was never that invested? Like she was a throw away thing that he is happy to get off his concussion? After all the rejection and hurt towards me but she never really mattered?
I have to sit here and take what has been done to me with him having no consequences (bc I stayed). Over someone he can easily give up "allegedly." As you can tell I'm still dealing with this fallout and I'm not in a trusting state...
Thanks for listening

Confused

My DH had a few tries before he was able to cut things off for good--and he still works with the AP. It was really difficult because she did NOT want to let him go. He was in limerance AND he felt like she would ruin things for him at work. He kept trying to break things off and she kept up the pressure big time. I asked him about the affair within a couple weeks of it starting-well it may have been emotional for a month or two even before that. We separated for about 6 months, and he begged me to come home and said it was over. I agreed to come back, but we also decided to sell our home. While I was back, if I tried to talk about divorce at all, he would just run back to her. He finally broke it off for good, when he realized if he didn't I would be gone for good. She is not a healthy person--and he could see that--and knew even if we didn't work out he didn't want to be with her long-term, and yet breaking things off was still really difficult. And watching that pain has been the most hurtful thing in my life and I've gone through some other hellish situations.

I now know these issues were not about me, but about him. And he has definitely changed for the better--I know I was not perfect either, and we are working really hard to treat each other kindly and with respect. We have a much better marriage now, but I'm still triggered by certain things and still have days when I want to run away. I'm trying to take one day at a time. It took a while, but my DH finally realized that in order for me to stay, he has to be really open with me about where he is, etc. I think that is hard on him, as I was never this way before, but he is trying really hard to be respectful of my feelings.

I hope things get better for you. I share your feelings about the no consequences and I still struggle almost daily with staying and was it the right decision, even though things are so much better now. I hope time brings healing for us both.

Confused

Thank you for your story. I struggle every day to try and not think about or obsess over her. She is on my mind always. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by staying. It's not quite where you are yet. I am still making a lot of the emotional sacrifices. Hopefully one day we can both be fully happy again!

Confused

Sounds like your situation is very similar to mine. My husband had an almost two year affair, which started about a month after our 30 year Anniversary and our renewing our vows in church.
Honestly, it has been the most painful thing I have ever experienced. He and his AP destroyed my life. It is a daily struggle and there are times when I question why I have stayed.
It doesn’t happen overnight and there will be disappointments, but if your husband really wants to repair the marriage, he will do whatever it takes and he must have patience and compassion for you.
He must put you and the marriage first.
We still have work to do, but, little by little I can smile again, I can laugh and I am beginning to relax and enjoy my marriage again.
Good luck and God bless!

You are not alone

I am dealing with the same issue. It is hard to believe to someone who has lied to you in your face for some time and not knowing if is real or just saying what you want to hear and requesting you to forget everything so you dont bother him. is increidble how they really believe that only with his word is enogh to heal..bah!

your reply spoke to me

Hi-- I had the EXACT same experience with my husband of 24 years and how he could not give up his affair partner. We have been physically separated for over one year. He FINALLY-- or so he says-- has cut off his affair partner from his life-- but I am so doubtful. He is dating someone new from another city now--she seems like a quality person, but I am sad that it took her asking him to cut it off until he finally did so--if it is really true.

thanks for listening-- colleen

you described my heartbreak

you described my heartbreak to a T-- thanks for sharing--colleen

Limerance

When my DH was in his limerent affair--both of them were in limerance--he said that he felt he was in his affair partner's gravity, and could not escape her orbit. He desperately tried to hang on to me in several ways, and when I did file for divorce (despite him trying to stop me) when he would not give up his AP, he finally quit the affair, which had been going on for about a year. I still had to watch him mourn her (and they work together) for almost a year after he broke things off. He was so angry at me for 'making' him give up his affair partner. I didn't make him, I just wasn't going to stay married to him while he continued to have an affair. The affair has now been over for about 20 months, and I have chosen to stay, but I still question my decision. My DH has been back to himself for the past 9 months or so, and I know he regrets the affair, and I don't think his affair partner seems nearly as wonderful to him now--he sees her much more clearly.

I'm sure this sounds horrible, but a part of me wishes he had stayed in that relationship until the limerance had worn off so that he could experience a normal relationship with her. His affair partner has had many affairs and ruined other relationships including her first marriage. She was an alcoholic, and choose to sleep with other people even when telling him she was in love with him and wanted him to move in with her. She went after him so hard in the beginning, not caring that he was married. She is not a healthy person--and he realized this, and still had trouble letting go.

My DH now treats me so much better than before his affair. He appreciates me and he is so grateful I stayed (we will have our 28th anniversary next month), and yet I'm still super hurt and often just want to run away. If we had this relationship before the affair, it would have been wonderful, so in a way, I'm grateful for the lessons. But watching his intense feelings for someone else has been so hurtful, that I still don't know why I'm here.

You are not alone

I have been feeling the same. Why should this had happended to realize what they have at home. I.cannot stand think he was attached to other women. He has not accept others but I have conviction that hia lying as I have seen comments in social media. Heartbreaking.

My husband needs to read this but he won’t

I am 2 years out from discovery, from beginning recovery. Last year, after a year of half hearted attempts, my husband declared he wouldn’t read any more articles, watch more videos, etc, that we should be work thhis out ourselves. THIS is what I was trying to get him to read so he would understand what he did and how he was feeling about the ex OW to help it make sense for him. But no, getting him to read anything that isn't about rock n roll, bands, or rock n roll writers is useless. Since he refuses to read a out recovery

A lot to think about

I can relate to some of the Limerence then I went on from Samuals suggestion to read Category 3: Sexual Addiction, and the others since I was there. I am not comfortable with how many of these I could be part of me and some have been with me as far back (teen years) as I can remember.

My Affair ended 20 years ago half way around the globe, but infrequent emails kept a contact until last year when I tried to reconnect.
I started counseling last September after returning from seeing her, I thought I could wrap it all up easily .... not do much.
I have reciently been Recomended to a counseling organization dealing in sexual addition. It pains me to even say those words... it’s really weird because I’m not an abuser of food, drink, smoke or drugs if any kind, but this now haunts me.
Aldo I love my wife of over30 years deeply. I am plaques with this harsh all encompassing feeling of lonlyniess, usually in the mornings, once U start swing people at work or someone talks to me it subsided some what, and I @just want to be loved?
l finished your 7 day Bootcamp and most of that was encouraging.
But this was different. My wife internalizes, so she says she’s got this but she’s harming herself,
Just subtle ways the food, drink and the cigerstes drsrted snout 8 years ago I’m not diodes to know... I need to give her a little extra support.. even tho I can’t fix all these things over night.
Samual I’d take suggestions on this and and specifics to start with in this new sexual counseling. The guys asking me what I want... well I don’t want to come therecwerk after week and talk about feelings... so in short both articles were tough to swallow, now how do I apply them.
So thank you for the insite.

Is it Love or Infatutuaton

My husband and I have been through boot camp and it was very helpful. I still have problems dealing with his emotional affair that lasted for nearly 2 years. The knowledge that he was so obsessed with this other woman and had such deep feelings for her are so personally devastating. It has been almost 6 years since discovery and I have had the so much pain. We had that marriage that everyone wants until he became "friends" with a co-worker. The biggest hurdle for me is that he still can't admit his feelings for her. They were texting over 5,500 times per month, plus hundreds of phone calls, and they worked together five days a week. I don't know how to heal if he is still defending himself and in denial. The day of discovery I got his phone that was always attached to him and his texts to her were, "I love you, babe." and she was responding with the same comments. That according to him was his breakup. She wanted him to tell her he loved her and he agreed. Who in their right mind would believe that? So we still struggle, and we stayed married but it is rough. He is trying his best but he lied to me throughout the entire affair. I feel I am in limbo and am having a struggle moving forward. I sometimes feel if he opened up I could heal, even though knowing his feelings for her is very painful.

What type of affair was it?

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