Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Six Types of Affairs: Love Addiction

Introduction
Category 1: One Night Stand
Category 2: Fallen in Love
Category 3: Sexual Addiction
Category 4: Wanting the Marriage and the Affair
Category 5: Emotional Affair
>Category 6: Love Addiction

Category 6: Love Addiction

Love addiction is characterized by a repetitive pattern of moving from relationship to relationship seeking a love that never lasts. Although these relationships may involve sex, the craving and compulsion tend to be relational instead of sexual. This category differs from emotional affairs in that it’s more about experiencing intense feelings than about friendship. 

It is a hopeless search for “falling in love” with  “the one,” who can help them sustain the intense emotional feelings generated by the first stage of a relationship. This never ending search and the fear that there may be something more poignant to a future relationship prevents them from ever fully committing. Having discovered that their mate isn’t “Mr. or Mrs. Right”, these people compulsively pursue the search for their soul mate. 

M. Scott Peck, in his book, A Road Less Traveled,  differentiates true love from the false love (he would call it romantic love). He explains that “falling in love” is not love at all. It is not even about the other person. It is how the other person makes one feel about oneself. Peck would even surmise that anyone who has “fallen in love” will eventually fall “out of love” and then must choose love. True love is about knowing the other person and letting the other person know you. This is healthy intimacy, not the false intimacy the love addict has mistaken 
for love.1

Characteristics:

  • Tends to occur more frequently with females. 
  • Usually ambivalent about their marriage. 
  • May overvalue the person they are infatuated with. 
  • Are incapable of judging the negative characteristics of their affair partner. While they may see the defects, they won’t give these defects any weight. Instead they’ll see them as unique or special. 
  • There may or may not be an actual relationship with the person they are “infatuated” with. It can be more like an obsession that is not reciprocated. 
  • Frequently complain about the lack of romantic love in the marital relationship. 
  • May feel they’ve married the wrong person. 
  • Experience intrusive thoughts about their romantic partner. May spend as much as 80% of awake time thinking about this person, trying to determine how the other person feels about them. 
  • The obsessive nature of the relationship creates unrealistic expectations of the “love object” in regards to how they want to be shown love in return.

 

  1. Peck, M. Scott. The Road Less Traveled. New York: Touchstone, 1978, Print.

 

 

RL_Category: 

RL_Media Type: 

Add New Comment:

Comments

Great Article brings a question

I think this is a great article but it has certainly posed a big question. I am the unfaithful partner of two separate affairs that happened 7 years apart. The first was what I considered to be an online/emotional affair and the second turned physical. The question I have is how can I determine the 'type' that my affairs fall into when there are characteristics from all 6 categories?

More than one?

What if the betrayer fits into more than one category? The initial affair where he thought he loved her, then he came back to the marriage, but was constantly seeking "friends" online. Several admitted emotional affairs stemming from online dating sites (with sexting and video chats). While separated he recklessly slept with other women. And then finally caught because he was having inappropriate sexual discussions with a friend's daughter, which led to the confession of all of this.... I don't know if he is a sex addict, a love addict, or just a depressed man seeking attention? I am seriously at a loss as his wife and don't know which way to turn.

What type of affair was it?

Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action.
Take the Affair Analyzer