Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Six Types of Affairs: One Night Stand

types of affairs

Category 1: One Night Stand

This type of affair may well be a one-time betrayal. The typical one night stand usually occurs when a spouse is away from home, possibly on a business or pleasure trip (not to be confused with a string of one night stands that occur as a sex addict pursues his or her addictive drive), and occurs as a result of the opportunities afforded in that moment. Often this occurs as a result of poor boundaries, drinking, and anonymity. This type of affair is not necessarily an indication of problems in the marriage or that the betrayer is dissatisfied with his or her mate. In fact, one of the distinguishing points in this type of affair is the betrayer's desire to stay married.

The core of this betrayal is based on a high-risk situation, poor boundaries, and the opportunity to act. Frequently, there is no emotional involvement, and often this type of affair occurs with a perfect stranger who is befriended or a work acquaintance. Internal risk factors such as loneliness, fatigue, anger, or hunger, may contribute to susceptibility. Frequently pride deceives this person into believing nothing will happen, which allows them to justify being in a high-risk situation. Normally, individuals who have had one night stands tell themselves that they will go to the grave with their secret because they don't want to hurt their mate and they don't wasn't to lose their marriage.

Characteristics:

  • It is an affair of convenience or opportunity. It is not something that is sought out, but rather occurs as the result of an opportunity that is presented.
  • The majority of the time the betrayer does not want to leave the marriage.
  • There is not an ongoing relationship.

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Comments

Affair

This sounds a lot like my husband although he's in denial this is the story that comes up practically every given chance

My cheater of a husband

For my spouse, he sought a one night stand through sites. I know he cheated. I have more proof than I need. Including the flings number

One night stand

Sadly to say I am now the betrayed spouse from a one night stand. Never thought I would be here in this situation. My husband had a one night stand with a coworker who knew he was married and still pursued him anyways. Not saying my husband has no blame but drinking was involved, and he’s not a big drinker, so he got pretty wasted. The thing that bothers me the most is I asked him 1) to please keep this friendship strictly professional since she was confiding in him about her marriage problems. And he just kept telling me she’s just a friend, I have no reason to worry. But I didn’t trust her
2) That night was a work party and his coworkers were single, so they didn’t have to worry about going home to their spouses....they wanted to stay out
Needless to say this is a perfect example of poor boundaries and pride...because he never wanted to cheat on me. He is extremely remorseful and ashamed of what he did...and says the alcohol affected his judgement. There was even a moment when before he was intoxicated she went up to him asking him if he was interested and he straight out told her no. He’s married. But the more he drank the more she kept coming on to him. I wish he would’ve just left but he was so adamant that he would never do anything like that....I have no choice but to believe him if I want to make my marriage work. But doubt gets in my head about whether he’s telling me the truth. Maybe he did want too...but he reassures me nothing was going on at work. I looked through his phone records and there was no late night texts or phone calls to this individual. He even left his job so we can work on our marriage. It’s been 4 months and it’s still hard but I’m praying that it does get easier.

One Night Stand

Alexandra,
I can relate. My wife wound up in a similar situation and it nearly destroyed me. I have forgiven her and we are going through EMS online. It's extremely difficult because, as you said, they knew the dangers and still didn't remove themselves from the situation. I also did the records check and even did a truth-finder search to see if she had any hidden email addresses and everything came back negative. I'm still in defensive mode and I've got my heart under lock and key. I've explained to her that the trust factor will take time to rebuild but I'm willing to give it the effort if she is. I wanted you to know that you are not alone and there are others out there dealing with this problem. I strongly recommend the 7 day boot camp program if you haven't already taken it. It helped a lot and so far the EMSO is helping too. I wish you and yours success and will include you in my prayers.
Terry

One night stand

I'm now in the same position. My husband finally admitted that a year ago, during one night away from home, he got "black out" runk with coworkers and ended up in the room of a 23 year old (we were 40 and she worked directly for me). They kissed, apparently tried to have sex (but he was too drunk and she claims clothes never came off - he claims he woke up with clothes on and actually has no idea what happened) then carried on in life. I spent time with her afterwards as she was my direct report and friend, and they did as well as they worked together.
I want to divorce him and decided we are separated as when he drinks he's a liar...also took him over a year to come clean. I domt trust or respect him.

How are things now.... I'm in

How are things now.... I'm in the same boat... But it's been over a year?

Not good. He is being nicer

Not good. He is being nicer than he ever has - admitted to being an alcoholic and started going to AA, as well as marriage and individual counselling. Had a few weeks of getting along but his ability to do this and feel no remorse until finally telling me, has me ticked right off. Because of the drinking he actually admits he never really cared if he hurt me, but now that he hasn't drank in 2 months he does... I do not wish infidelity in a marriage on anyone.

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