Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Six Types of Affairs: One Night Stand

types of affairs

Category 1: One Night Stand

This type of affair may well be a one-time betrayal. The typical one night stand usually occurs when a spouse is away from home, possibly on a business or pleasure trip (not to be confused with a string of one night stands that occur as a sex addict pursues his or her addictive drive), and occurs as a result of the opportunities afforded in that moment. Often this occurs as a result of poor boundaries, drinking, and anonymity. This type of affair is not necessarily an indication of problems in the marriage or that the betrayer is dissatisfied with his or her mate. In fact, one of the distinguishing points in this type of affair is the betrayer's desire to stay married.

The core of this betrayal is based on a high-risk situation, poor boundaries, and the opportunity to act. Frequently, there is no emotional involvement, and often this type of affair occurs with a perfect stranger who is befriended or a work acquaintance. Internal risk factors such as loneliness, fatigue, anger, or hunger, may contribute to susceptibility. Frequently pride deceives this person into believing nothing will happen, which allows them to justify being in a high-risk situation. Normally, individuals who have had one night stands tell themselves that they will go to the grave with their secret because they don't want to hurt their mate and they don't wasn't to lose their marriage.

Characteristics:

  • It is an affair of convenience or opportunity. It is not something that is sought out, but rather occurs as the result of an opportunity that is presented.
  • The majority of the time the betrayer does not want to leave the marriage.
  • There is not an ongoing relationship.

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Affair

This sounds a lot like my husband although he's in denial this is the story that comes up practically every given chance

My cheater of a husband

For my spouse, he sought a one night stand through sites. I know he cheated. I have more proof than I need. Including the flings number

One nighter

My husband got drunk went to a hotel room with champagne for he and whomever and didnt know he but dialed me.

One night stand

Sadly to say I am now the betrayed spouse from a one night stand. Never thought I would be here in this situation. My husband had a one night stand with a coworker who knew he was married and still pursued him anyways. Not saying my husband has no blame but drinking was involved, and he’s not a big drinker, so he got pretty wasted. The thing that bothers me the most is I asked him 1) to please keep this friendship strictly professional since she was confiding in him about her marriage problems. And he just kept telling me she’s just a friend, I have no reason to worry. But I didn’t trust her
2) That night was a work party and his coworkers were single, so they didn’t have to worry about going home to their spouses....they wanted to stay out
Needless to say this is a perfect example of poor boundaries and pride...because he never wanted to cheat on me. He is extremely remorseful and ashamed of what he did...and says the alcohol affected his judgement. There was even a moment when before he was intoxicated she went up to him asking him if he was interested and he straight out told her no. He’s married. But the more he drank the more she kept coming on to him. I wish he would’ve just left but he was so adamant that he would never do anything like that....I have no choice but to believe him if I want to make my marriage work. But doubt gets in my head about whether he’s telling me the truth. Maybe he did want too...but he reassures me nothing was going on at work. I looked through his phone records and there was no late night texts or phone calls to this individual. He even left his job so we can work on our marriage. It’s been 4 months and it’s still hard but I’m praying that it does get easier.

One Night Stand

Alexandra,
I can relate. My wife wound up in a similar situation and it nearly destroyed me. I have forgiven her and we are going through EMS online. It's extremely difficult because, as you said, they knew the dangers and still didn't remove themselves from the situation. I also did the records check and even did a truth-finder search to see if she had any hidden email addresses and everything came back negative. I'm still in defensive mode and I've got my heart under lock and key. I've explained to her that the trust factor will take time to rebuild but I'm willing to give it the effort if she is. I wanted you to know that you are not alone and there are others out there dealing with this problem. I strongly recommend the 7 day boot camp program if you haven't already taken it. It helped a lot and so far the EMSO is helping too. I wish you and yours success and will include you in my prayers.
Terry

One night stand

I'm now in the same position. My husband finally admitted that a year ago, during one night away from home, he got "black out" runk with coworkers and ended up in the room of a 23 year old (we were 40 and she worked directly for me). They kissed, apparently tried to have sex (but he was too drunk and she claims clothes never came off - he claims he woke up with clothes on and actually has no idea what happened) then carried on in life. I spent time with her afterwards as she was my direct report and friend, and they did as well as they worked together.
I want to divorce him and decided we are separated as when he drinks he's a liar...also took him over a year to come clean. I domt trust or respect him.

EMSO ? Can you give me more

EMSO ? Can you give me more info

How are things now.... I'm in

How are things now.... I'm in the same boat... But it's been over a year?

Not good. He is being nicer

Not good. He is being nicer than he ever has - admitted to being an alcoholic and started going to AA, as well as marriage and individual counselling. Had a few weeks of getting along but his ability to do this and feel no remorse until finally telling me, has me ticked right off. Because of the drinking he actually admits he never really cared if he hurt me, but now that he hasn't drank in 2 months he does... I do not wish infidelity in a marriage on anyone.

Please help me

I just got hit with similar situation (my husband/1night stand/drunk) and I have no one to talk to about it..idk if I should go get an std test if the girl he was with is pregnant (I pray not) he said he doesn’t even remember her face. If you have any advice for me to help me get through this I’d be so thankful. Married 8 years/3 girls

Me too

@Janet87, I am in the same boat. No, actually a bit worst since I got the STD from his action and I am pregnant with our 2nd child. There is now words to describe this pain he causes.

One night stand. After 32 years of marriage

After 32 years f marriage my husband went to a wedding, alone, because I was baby siting our grand daughters, and it was involved alcohol, and opportunity, the woman was a friend of the groom, nobody introduced her to him, she alone went to make a pass at him, and when he was leaving in an uber she told him may I go with you, to your hotel, my husband said no but she said I only want to talk, nothing more, obviously, after my husband was drunk she went with him to his room! He did not remembered what happen next, but she took photos of him sleeping with him, and since that day, its been almost 3 months, she kept sending him romantic, whatsapps, even though he never has been answered them and never answered her phone calls, I am offended, humiliated and in an emotional turmoil, he say that he is in love with me like the first day, and that he loves me more than anything! But I am in such emotional pain, and I kept seeing the dirty images, I am depressed and crying every day! Please help me!

One night stand

After 20 yrs my husband also confessed to me that he did the same thing & this was like the worse feeling in the world the pain is unbearable, but even worse the woman came to him to tell him she had a baby from him so imagine that pain that’s another stab in the back, I told him I don’t know if I can continue a relationship with him as this is too much too fast, I love him but I don’t know if this is something I can forgive, first he needs to go for a paternity test not just yes it’s mine as she knew he was married & yes it takes two but she took advantage of him when he was going through a rough time no excuse on his part either as he knew he had a wife and family at home. This is just too overwhelming for for and don’t know if I can ever recover from it. Any advice for me?? I found out 5 days after our 20th Anniversary which made it even worse. This all seems like a nightmare to me. He tells me he loves me wants to save his family but it’s just lies to me as I’m too hurt and angry right now.

same thing happened to me 8

same thing happened to me 8 month ago husband was on a business trip abroad, Had A Drink On Last Night blacked out (says he got spiked) woke up with no clothes on next morning and on flight home remembered a woman leaving his room
He's got no other memories it's tortured him as much as it has me, he's questioned it being a dream but he says he knows deep down something happened
He told me after a few weeks
The Hardest thing is forgetting but I think you have to just try to get past it if you want it to work, STD Checks Are a must It was the first thing he done (behind my back) when he got home and when he told me he got me to go to just incase
I understand the pregnancy thing it crosses my mind every single day all you can do is hope

One night stand

Hey I’m not sure what you ended up doing but I’m in the same boat. He swore to me there was a condom but she gave him oral sex. I’m waiting a few weeks then making him get tested.

Update?

Hello, your story is extremely similar to mine. I am wondering how you have been handling it, or any update? It’s been about a month and a half since I found out and I am feeling so helpless and obsessing over all the details etc right now.

Does it get easier?

My wife cheated on me on our anniversary trip to Hawaii with a random guy at a bar next to hotel

He’s doing everything right

I found out my husband had cheated on me twice before we got married. Same girl. He was drinking a lot for a while. he got wasted at the bar after work with some coworkers and ended up having sex with a girl in his car. A couple weeks later her did it again. He had been prideful the first time thinking nothing would happen. Then he thought it would never happen again.
One of the worst things is that he introduced me to her at his work later. He encouraged a friendship, and we developed one. She spent time around us and our children. She had been invited to our wedding but didn’t come. Shortly after we were married, she messaged me confessing what had happened.
Instantly after me finding out my husband admitted that he was an alcoholic and quit drinking all together. He admitted himself to the hospital for his severe depression and OCD that he hadn’t been dealing with. I had been wanting him to get professional help for so long and he finally was. I had been fearful of him committing suicide for so long, and it was a relief to know that he was finally getting treatment. My husband is a sweet man. Extremely attentive and gentle. He worships me and makes me feel loved. He is also extremely broken in his soul. I know that that is why this happened.
It doesn’t change the fact though that I feel completely and utterly betrayed. I’m so fearful that there was more to it that what he has told me. The girl was really a sociopath. She enjoyed telling me and had just been waiting to do so. My husband says he encouraged a friendship with her hoping that that would keep her from telling me. He knew she was a loose screw. But then why allow her to be around our family? Just to protect himself?
My big fear is that the actions that have come to light do not line up with who I know my husband to be. What if I am just blind? What if he is not who I thought? What if this happens again?
I am working on things, and we are still together. He has been patient with my brokenness, remorseful, and willing to answer all my questions. He has been sticking to his new treatment plan, sticking to an extremely structured sleep schedule, and taking care of our kids better than ever. He is doing everything right to fix this.
But I just can’t let go. I just can’t forgive him or trust him. Actually, a part of me is almost angry that he has his stuff all together now, and I’m a broken mess.

Can’t get over it

My wife had two drunken one night stands, one 11 years ago and the second one 6 years ago. She told me about it 1.5 years ago. She is now sober AA etc... she’s been sober for 2 years now with zero intention of drinking, she is now what I wanted our entire relationship. Here is the issue, I cannot get over it and every day it gets worse. She did it at her best friends wedding with her brother. She claims she doesn’t remember a thing, she was blacked out, but somehow she’s sure it happened, but won’t contact him to make sure, even tho the doubt is truly killing me. I can’t eat, I can’t be present to my 3 girls, I am worse than I’ve even been. I don’t want to leave my family but I can’t live with this horrible pain anymore. I’m in heavy therapy, 6 hours a week. It’s actually only making it worse.

Devastated

About two weeks ago my husband and I got into an argument and he told me he want to divorce so I left for a week to be able to clear my head to get my head on straight and really decide what I wanted and over that week I decided I wanted to make my marriage work I wanted to do whatever it took to save my marriage so when I came back we had a discussion we were talking about what our issues were not just his issues with me but mine with him and we were trying to be very honest then he told me that if we are going to make it work then he’d have to be completely honest with me and he said a month ago while I was doing an overnight shift He went to a bar he got drunk and went home with a woman then came home before I got off work and acted like nothing happened I still love my husband and I know I still wanna work it out but I am don’t trust him I am angry I’m sad and I want answers which he doesn’t have for me he said he doesn’t remember he doesn’t remember her name he doesn’t remember what she looked like so I’m stuck obsessing And creating all these scenarios in my head I just don’t know how to move past this and forgive him

To dev.

I am going through the same thing. He says he doesn’t remember her etc., I don’t believe him. Sometimes I forget about it and then when I remember I want to throw up. The part leading up to it bothers me most, flirting to get there. It’s not fair men do this, I’m sorry for your stress.

I feel you. Are you doing any

I feel you. Are you doing any better? What have you guys done to work through it and is it working?

Sober one night stand

My boyfriend of 8 years had a “one night stand” while being sober in the middle of the day. I was working late and our son was at school. It was prearranged, he met her a few days before and exchanged phone numbers. Around the time it had happened, he quit all of his antidepressants, anxiety and quit going to the methadone clinic. He owns what he did but says he doesn’t remember much of anything because he was detoxing from everything. This happened in February. I found out ten days after she came to our home and they had sex. Then Covid hit and I was in lockdown in our home where they had sex. It was hell. I’m back to work now, it’s been about four months but I’m still struggling with trusting him. I’m completely disgusted with him. We weren’t having any issues that I know of so I’m completely confused why he would be so weak...

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