Why People Cheat - A 3 Part Series:

1. Why Do People Cheat?
2. Were They Predisposed to Cheat?
3. Why People Cheat: Justifications of the Unfaithful

A while back, a couple from another state attended our Emergency Marital Seminar weekend (EMSW). To travel as they did to get help was noteworthy, but the unfaithful mate had yet to comprehend what he had done and why. To say he was defensive would be putting it mildly. During a session, while discussing taking personal responsibility, he cried out with indignation, "Doggone it Rick she came out of the barn buck naked. What was I supposed to do?" I turned to the women in the group and asked, "Ladies, what would you do if a guy came out of the barn 'buck naked'?" "Call 911,” they all replied in unison.

It's tragic, but the bounds of self-deception seem to have no end when it comes to justifying marital infidelity. Do we see what we do? Do we recognize what it must be like to live on the other side of us? Can we even begin to comprehend the consequences of our actions? That we would betray those to whom we've committed is horrifying; but that we would fail to comprehend our own self betrayal is inconceivable, or is it?

Lest you feel judged, I'm preaching to myself. I am astounded by how distorted my thinking became as I plummeted into my affair. I deceived myself into thinking I was a good guy for "helping" my affair partner. That I was giving her what she needed. That obviously I had married the wrong person, therefore, having an affair was justified. That I was powerless over my feelings, therefore, there was nothing I could do. I deserved to be happy so didn’t the means justify the end? It's tragic, but I could go on and on about the silly fabrications I used to justify my devastating choices.

Why do we have affairs? Why is it that some cheat while others do not? Why did you do it? If there is any one question that baffles those affected by infidelity, it’s this one. Even worse, the difficulty of answering this question exceeds all others. To say the least, the answers are complex.

With no answer to “why?”, how does one keep this from happening again? How would you know the right course of action? Or if the answer to the “why” question is incorrect, will you address the proper problem? How do you ever determine what made you or your relationship vulnerable to betrayal. Failure to uncover the proper answer to “why” puts a couple at risk of simply sweeping cobwebs rather than killing the spider.

In the early stages of discovery, raging emotions inhibit rational thought and cloud the judgement of both spouses. Initially, answers to the “why” question are typically blame or victim based in an attempt to push away guilt and shame. Somehow it wasn’t their fault. At best, the unfaithful spouse takes personal responsibility and agrees to explore why they chose as they did. If this isn’t their first rodeo, they may have already discovered answers to the mystery, but apart from that scenario, it takes time to uncover the answer. Excuses and justifications litter the roadside of recovery.

Complicating matters is the injured spouse, who all too often works from the mistaken notion of “assumed similarities” to supply their own answer to the “why” question. They assume their mate’s motives would be similar to their own if they were in the same situation. The answers supplied by their mate just don’t make sense and they certainly don’t seem severe enough to justify the devastation created by their choices. They think surely there must be some dark secret in their background for them to have acted in such a way. At other times, they supply answers that are commiserate with the negative lens through which they now view their mate or they assign answers to the question which allow them to justify their responses.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll explore some of the reasons people cheat and why others don’t. Hopefully, it can be of some use to those struggling to discover the answer to “Why”.

If you’re the unfaithful spouse, you might also find that a group would be helpful in finding answers. Chatting with others like you can help reveal the blind spots created by self-deception. Hope for Healing offers a group format along with extensive exploration into why. If that’s a question you’re seeking to answer, I hope you’ll check it out.