Why People Cheat: Justifications of the Unfaithful (Part 3) Why People Cheat: A Three Part Series Part 1: The Fog of Self Desception Part 2: Were They Predisposed to Cheat? Part 3: Justifications of the Unfaithful Below is a discussion between myself and one of my clients, Amy, explaining her rationale behind her affair: Amy: When we first met, my affair partner asked if I'd ever considered modeling. I asked him if he was kidding! I'm a married woman and mother of four, so of course I was flattered, but unfortunately the exchange didn't stop there. He showered me with compliments, along with seeking my advice on personal issues. It began a conversation that captured my heart and I found myself having an affair." Me: Did you feel bad about what you were doing? Amy: No, but I wondered if I really loved my husband, then how could I feel this way about my affair partner? I never had feelings like that for my husband, which told me that this guy had to be my soul mate. Our marriage hadn't been a happy place for quite some time anyway. How could it be wrong if we cared so much about each other? Have you heard similar justifications from your spouse, or have you ever tried to justify your own affair(s) with similar rationale? Alternatively, have you ever tried to justify your own affair(s) with similar rationale? What makes someone choose to cheat? And what makes someone choose to keep cheating? What are their thought patterns? It's impossible to explore all the ways people justify their actions, but we'll look at a few below, and you can determine if the way you or your spouse think about your relationship puts you at risk. Justifications are thought patterns used to push away guilt and allow the wayward spouse to deceive themselves into thinking they have little or no responsibility for their choices. Here are a few common justifications I've heard over the last several decades: I married the wrong person. It's amazing how many people discover they married the wrong person once they are having an affair. There is no way long-term relationships can compare with the hot flame of stage-one relationships. Unmet needs and expectations often leave partners feeling they somehow made a mistake. We forget it's about how well we love, not about how our mate makes us feel about ourselves. Unresolved issues are excellent catalysts to justify our choices to cheat or act out. I found my soul mate. How can you deny "True Love"? In a culture raised on Disney films, love may seem like the best justification of all. Don't all cravings and desires need to be fulfilled? Far too often, the consequences of infidelity are buried under the fantasy of falling in love, with little or no regard for those who have first rights to us. We fail to see the selfishness of seeking our own happiness at the expense of our mate and forget they've continued to be with us even after the hot flames of romance have settled into glowing embers. When our own marriage hits the skids, we tend to look elsewhere rather than looking in the mirror. Much worse, we easily find a "vanity mirror," like an affair partner, to make us feel great about ourselves, rather than a make-up mirror, like our spouse, who tends to reflect our own personal blemishes. It's okay, as long as I'm careful not to get caught. Thinking others won't be hurt as long as you keep it a secret may push away feelings of guilt, but infidelity is never without consequences. The very definition of infidelity is the keeping of secrets while intimacy means "into-me-see." It's a willingness to be fully known and to fully know another. How can that happen as long as you're keeping secrets and in charge of what information your mate knows about you? Whether or not you get caught doesn't change the disconnection that occurs for your mate as you close yourself off to them in order to give yourself to another. I love my mate, but I'm no longer really in love. This justification is based on the premise that marriage is about being "in love." Marriage requires couples to develop a vision of love that lasts a lifetime. Marriage isn't based on feelings, but rather on choice and commitment. It's easy to stay with someone if you love the way they make you feel or if you're obsessed with having them. But when life's hard and your mate disappoints, unless you have a deeper understanding of love, it won't be long until the justification of "being in love" will come into play. God doesn't want me to be miserable. If you believe (or convince yourself) that marriage is primarily about happiness, then misery becomes a natural justification for infidelity. Marriage isn't about happiness; it's about love and commitment. Certainly, we hope to find happiness through our relationships, but it's not always guaranteed. As Charles Dickens wrote in his novel, Nicholas Nickleby, "In every life, no matter how full or empty one's purse, there is tragedy. It is the one promise life always fulfills. Thus, happiness is a gift and the trick is not to expect it but to delight in it when it comes and to add to other people's store of it."1 I'm certainly not saying all marriages can or should be saved, but misery should never justify infidelity. Two people can be in the same miserable marriage, but usually only one of them will have an affair. What keeps the other spouse from cheating if cheating is driven by misery? Frequently, it's driven by a thing called commitment. I once heard someone say, "When my marriage is good and I like my wife, my commitment is to my wife. When my marriage is good, but my wife and I aren't getting along, my commitment is to my marriage. And if my marriage is bad, then my commitment is to my commitment." I never had sex with the other person, so it doesn't count... At times, extramarital involvement is a matter of fancy moral accounting. Some people justify their infidelity by convincing themselves they never cheated. As long as they don't break their own self-generated rules regarding extramarital involvement, then they avoid feeling that they've done something wrong. While these people are committed to stay in the marriage, they are not committed to not straying. For instance, a man may abstain from intercourse but will participate in oral sex since he's not breaking his "moral code." In his mind, he's not really "having an affair." Or a woman may divulge her inner-most thoughts and feelings to a man at work while giving her spouse cold remarks and the bare minimum on her insights and feelings. If she doesn't register an emotional affair as infidelity, then she frees herself to continue her behavior without remorse, and worse, open the door for it to grow into something physical. While this justification may allow for the unfaithful mate to avoid guilt, it won't protect either mate from the pain of the situation. It's much easier to justify our failures than to take an honest look at what we've done. Recovery isn't just about stopping harmful behaviors; it's about learning to see it differently. Until I can honestly examine my own behavior and its impact on self and others, I can't begin to move forward. As long as I see my behavior through the distorted lens of my many justifications, I'll continue living in the lie and will remain part of the problem. Once I honestly accept my choices, I can begin living in the solution. To err is human, but to do it again is foolish. Right thinking goes a long way in avoiding foolishness. In this journey, healed individuals are vital guides. If we can't juxtapose our thinking against those who have found new life, we'll likely stay trapped in our own self-deception. If you want perspective, be open to talking to someone safe who is willing to walk with you through the process. At Affair Recovery, we provide a way to gain expert insight and perspective through our Online Courses. If you are the unfaithful spouse, don't make the mistake of thinking you can get yourself out of the mess you've gotten yourself into. It hasn't worked in the past, and it won't work now either. But there is hope and you can heal. Sign up for Hope for Healing and discover a new, life-giving approach to recovery. Click here to learn more: https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing Harboring Hope registration opens soon. Subscribe to be notified. Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. 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