Are you aware of what made you or your marriage vulnerable to an affair? Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't a bad marriage that caused the infidelity.

As you can imagine, trying to predict infidelity can be a crapshoot, but over the last four decades, I've seen data and information which can help us understand what has created significant vulnerability to the marriage and/or to the unfaithful spouse.

For years I've been writing about how to recover from the impact of infidelity. Our mission is to help those impacted by infidelity find extraordinary lives of meaning and purpose. In doing so, we've been standing at the bottom of a cliff trying to catch those who've fallen off. Years ago, one of my mentors, Dr. Suzanne Pope, challenged me to consider that while playing catch is okay, how much better would it be if we could build a fence at the top of the cliff to keep people from falling off?

I couldn't agree more, but how is that done?

Today, we're presenting a series of articles to help you evaluate your risk factors. Once again I want to stress that BAD MARRIAGES DON'T CAUSE AFFAIRS. That's not to say, however, that marriages don't contribute to being vulnerable to an affair.

Past wounds and hurts don't cause affairs, but they can contribute to making us vulnerable. Our circumstances don't force us into cheating on our mate, but they can certainly create circumstances which provide opportunity. To prevent infidelity, it's essential to explore relational, individual, and social factors which make us vulnerable. Successfully addressing these risk factors not only provides the possibility of preventing an affair but also of building a stronger marriage.

Before you panic, the presence of these risk factors in no way predicts whether someone will be unfaithful, they simply reveal vulnerabilities that are present in some who are unfaithful. Let me say again: these vulnerabilities do not excuse or justify an affair; there are many with similar circumstances who are not unfaithful. My primary goal is to help you realize that you may be susceptible so that you don't put yourself in dangerous situations.

I'm inclined to believe that the vast majority of us meant our vows with all our hearts on our wedding day. What trips us up is remaining blind to our vulnerabilities and believing we can handle situations that we shouldn't even be in. It's important to understand that an affair can happen to you.

Most of us truly intend to be faithful, but social factors have a way chipping away at our commitment and leaving us vulnerable. As a culture we claim to value monogamy, but at the same time, media glorifies those having affairs. If nothing else, those mixed messages can make commitment seem optional, especially when the going is tough and life isn't producing the expected fulfillment. The simple fact that every movie or popular novel normalizes infidelity can give proverbial permission to stray. Like it or not, what we watch, read, or listen to can increase vulnerability. (If you don't believe me, read about Albert Bandura's Social Learning Theory¹ and the now famous Bobo doll experiment.²)

Three Specific Areas

There are three areas we need to explore if we want to eliminate the risk of infidelity.

Company Corrupts Good Morals

This concept may cause a stir for some, but it is true that being around others who have been unfaithful or are currently involved in an affair increases vulnerability. Bram Buunk and Arnold Bakker found that people are more influenced by their own perception that persons of equal status are willing to engage in infidelity than by the perception that others will disapprove.³

The old saying that misery loves company still holds true today. Whether it is in the work place, a locker room or the grocery store, tales are being told about exciting extramarital encounters. Not only that, but others are encouraged to take the plunge. Surrounding yourself with this behavior normalizes infidelity and makes it seems like it's "not that big of a deal" or that everybody is doing it. Placing yourself in the company of others who have strayed only makes a fall more likely.

Opportunity

Technology in today's world profoundly increases one's vulnerability to infidelity. From the privacy afforded by password-protected devices and accounts to the supposed anonymity provided by the internet, living a secret life has never been easier. When behaviors are visible, people are far less likely to do something that would embarrass them or hurt others.

Business also creates vulnerability. Some researchers have found that around half of participants who were unfaithful and who sought marriage therapy had met their affair partner through work.⁴ In days of old, men and women were largely segregated at work. Today, women are taking the corporate world by storm, providing ample opportunity for both sexes to interact with others who could potentially catch your fancy.

Company policies can also increase social vulnerability. For example, many companies sponsor events for their teams which exclude spouses. In most companies it is a common practice to pair men and women together for travel. It would be discriminatory not to send the most qualified people; unfortunately, though, working side by side with others of the opposite sex creates opportunity, thereby increasing vulnerability.

The Family Legacy

The family tree produces yet another area of vulnerability. Research shows a generational correlation between parents' infidelity or fidelity and their adult children's behavior. Research shows that patterns of infidelity have been documented across the generations of a single family. Over the course of marital therapy for infidelity, 90 percent of Bonnie Eaker Weil's patients found that at least one partner was the adult child of an adulterer-sometimes even involving up to four generations.⁵ In other words, affairs are more likely to occur among those whose parents had affairs.⁶

It's not uncommon for those who betray to come from families which were also impacted by infidelity. Carol Ellison's research with over 2,000 women found a definite link between parental affairs and extramarital sexual permissiveness. Of the affair-prone women she studied, 13 percent had 5 or more affairs. Many of them had grown up in an environment where a parent or a parental figure had engaged in affairs.⁷

Multi-generational family trees often show consistent patterns of infidelity or monogamy. One study based on an analysis of twelve couples found that each family had a unique pattern, ranging from virtually no affairs in the entire family to multiple affairs in all three generations.⁸

That's not to say that if someone is from a non-monogamous family then they are destined to cheat, but understanding the vulnerability will hopefully spur them on to greater caution. Forewarned is forearmed.

I like the Vulnerability Maps created by Shirley P. Glass. PhD.⁸ Each part in this series I'll include her test (with some of my own adaptations) to allow you to determine your vulnerability.

Quiz: Social Vulnerability Map⁸

There's no way to predict with certainty whether a specific individual is going to be unfaithful. Responding to the statements in the quiz below will help identify the influence of your social environment. Rate these social-cultural influences that increase individual vulnerability to extramarital involvement.

If you find yourself in the toxic air zone, that does not mean you're going to fail, but it should alert you to possible danger and serve as a warning to be careful. Doctors can tell their patients who have heart disease that if they don't change their lifestyle, a heart attack is likely. Sadly, that warning rarely produces the necessary motivation for lifestyle change. Instead, change tends to come after the heart attack. Infidelity is no different. If your score indicates vulnerability, I hope you won't wait until you've hurt those you love. Now is the time to make the change and to protect your marriage.