Romanticism: Don't Believe the Lie Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples. Sign Up Now! I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure of watching the movie The Princess Bride, but it is one of my favorite movies. There is nothing better than watching a movie about "true love". The Princess Bride is a story of how Westley and Buttercup overcome adversity for the sake of "true love" in order to be united in a blissful union. In one of my favorite scenes, Westley heads off to storm the castle to rescue his beloved Buttercup. Miracle Max and his wife, Valerie, yell after him, "Have fun storming the castle boys!" She then turns to her husband and asks, "Do you think it will work?" "It would take a miracle," he replies. And so it seems with recovery after infidelity. Our souls resonate with the theme expressed in the movie. We long to experience what Westley and Buttercup portray. We relentlessly pursue what we don't have in an attempt to obtain what we believe will finally fulfill our desires and make us complete. I Want What I Can't Have: Romanticism Our only problem is that it never works. Culture's idea of "true love" is founded on a concept called romanticism. Romanticism is based on the dynamic of two individuals who are longing to be together but are separated by life's circumstances. Romanticism can only apply to love outside of marriage because the ingredients always consist of secrecy and mystery, for example, stolen glances or secret opportunities. Therefore, romanticized relationships have a premarital or extra-marital association. Poets rarely write of the romantic love of marriage, the care required for children, or the mutuality of love in old age. Romanticized love, by its own definition, is something "beyond" or "out of this world" which cannot be contained in the defined walls of a marriage. The theme never differs; it is always the same song with a different verse. Consider some of the great romantic plots through the ages: Romeo and Juliet, Wuthering Heights, The Notebook or Pretty Woman. There are endless examples to pull from, but they all have the same theme: two individuals searching for the fulfillment of love, who are longing to be together but whose efforts are tragically foiled by circumstances. Even more telling is what happens at the end of these stories when they finally manage to come together. The curtain falls, the music plays, and the story ends. At best, relationships based on romanticism are immature and unrealistic. Indeed, they contain intense emotions, but they are not about mature, lasting love. Instead, they are based on wanting what I don't have and the sacrifices I'm willing to make to get what I want. They're not based on what's in the best interest of another; they are based on what I believe I need in order to be happy. In the end, this romanticized "true love" is incredibly and unequivocally selfish. I Have What I Don't Always Want: Marriage While romanticism is based on wanting what you don't have, marriage is based on having what you don't always want. There comes a point in every marital relationship where we are wounded or disappointed by our mate. It's not until that moment that we have the opportunity to really love another. Until that moment, love is based on the belief that your mate can complete you, that being with them will result in happiness and fulfillment. But after that moment, when hope is crushed and you've abandoned your illusion that they are what you need, then your love (if you're able to love) becomes something more mature and, for some, divine. It is an opportunity for your love to become less about you and what you want and more about truly choosing the other person. Love is selfless and will continue to act in the best interest of the other, even when it doesn't immediately benefit or bring instant gratification to self. Romanticism says, "Make everything about me." Love tells us to be compassionate and concerned for others instead. If romanticism seeks "true love" (which is nothing more than a selfish desire to have my needs met) then I believe the real goal in marriage is to "truly love." Truly Loving Our Mate To truly love your spouse requires sacrifice. It requires you to be for them even when it feels they are against you. It requires you to choose them when they don't deserve it. It requires you to care more about saving the relationship than winning the argument. Above all, it requires selflessness. Truly loving another is the most difficult, counter-cultural thing we can do. But, over time, it will lead to a more fulfilling relationship than you've probably ever known. That being said, truly loving your spouse does not mean you have to subject yourself to situations or relationships that are not safe. Truly loving your spouse does not include enabling poor choices or remaining in codependent situations. Often, after a betrayal, I can hear the echo of Miracle Max telling Valerie "It would take a miracle." The biggest blessing of working with couples recovering from infidelity's devastation is the opportunity to actually see miracle after miracle take place. By the grace of God, we do have the ability to forgive and the ability to "truly love" our spouse. My prayer is for you to experience the true love that comes when you least deserve it. Are you in need of an encouraging community who will support you as you learn how to truly love? I hope you will consider participating in the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples. This isn't another light-and-fluffy program that only scratches the surface of your pain. The EMS Weekend Experience is a safe space for you and your partner to start putting the pieces of your life back together, transform your trauma and begin healing from infidelity. Skeptical about the effectiveness of this experience? Don't be! Backed by a slew of previous participant testimonials, EMS Weekend delivers results month after month for countless couples. During EMS Weekend, we won't shame the unfaithful spouse nor blame the betrayed spouse. What we will do is pair you with a small community of other couples and an expert therapist - all of whom have experienced infidelity firsthand - as well as provide comprehensive resources to help you kick-start your healing journey. Sign Up Now! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Find HopeRebuilding TrustRecovery FundamentalsSafety in RecoverySexual HealingStrengthening MarriageRL_Media Type: Video