Couples often ask: "When should we stop talking about this?" For the unfaithful spouse, the question can be rooted in confusion and impatience as they're emotionally exhausted from having to relive the pain of their betrayal. For the betrayed spouse, the question can be rooted in a desire to know they aren't crazy for continually going back to repeated conversations in the past, as they continue to make sense of it all in the present.

An unfaithful alumnus of our program answered this question in this way: "She gets to do that as long as she wants; I have forever lost the right to say, 'Why can't you get over this yet?'" This is one of my favorite quotes from one of our EMS alumni couples. What struck me about these words was the fact that he wasn't asking "when do we stop talking about it" but rather was concerned and wanted to provide a safe place for his mate to heal.

Last August, we repeated the survey Peggy Vaughn conducted in 2002 for betrayed spouses but also added a survey for those who strayed. I was fascinated to see that when we used multivariate logistical regression (sophisticated data analysis), one of the primary factors associated with the decision to stay married was how long the couple talked about the infidelity! This was also the factor that predicted whether a relationship really improved and grew into something better than before.

That statistic made me question why a couple would stop talking about it. I've realized there are a few key reasons why people stop talking about the infidelity, and it's helpful for us to know those reasons.

1. Lack of Knowledge

Our analysis revealed something powerful. Couples are 36% more likely to stay married when they thoroughly discuss the whole situation. One of the worst things a therapist can do is to tell couples to stop talking about the situation. Sadly, this is very common among therapists. Perhaps it's because of their own discomfort or the instability that honest and vulnerable conversations create. Of the couples who reported talking about the infidelity completely, 27% of them reported having a marriage better than before. When you understand these facts, why would anyone stop talking about it?

2. Lack of Compassion

Lack of compassion often comes from misguided attempts at self-protection. One of my biggest regrets from my time of acting out in my own marriage was the gaslighting that I perpetrated against Stephanie. I convinced her that she was jealous, untrusting, and paranoid, all in a lame attempt to protect my own shame and secret behavior. It left my wife trying to figure out what her reality was and what was our history? The only way she could begin to connect all of the dots was by me giving her the information she needed.

The only way Stephanie could rebuild her trust in me came from my willingness to trust her with the information. Telling someone to just get over it is controlling the flow of information for your own protection, but this approach lacks any sort of love. A marriage can be better than ever if trust is rebuilt.

3. Shame

For those of us who strayed, it's natural to feel remorse, guilt, and shame for what our actions have cost our mate. However, when shame becomes about who we are rather than a feeling of conviction about what we did, it makes us 100% totally self-centered. Rather than being able to have compassion for our mate, we try to avoid our shame by refusing to talk about it. In fact, we may go beyond that and make it all about us and how lousy we are, so they essentially have to throw a rope down the well to pull us up. Instead of our partner getting what they need to heal, they need to help us. Many wayward partners misunderstand the motive behind the betrayed spouse's continued need to talk about it. When you answer those questions, you communicate that you care about their healing. It allows attachment to develop again.

4. Misunderstanding Your Mate's Motive

Many wayward partners believe their mate keeps talking about it to punish or trap them. In reality, that's rarely the case. Wayward spouses, when your mate asks a question and you genuinely answer, it lets them know that you care and that they matter to you. It's that question-answer discussion process that begins to slowly rebuild the attachment between the two of you.

I was talking to a couple and the wife shared that she recently had a random thought about a person her husband had talked about during his disclosure 2 years prior. When he asked if she had any triggers lately, she mentioned this particular person and the fact that she couldn't shake her curiosity about the nature of their interactions. Without being defensive, he answered her questions. She wasn't trying to trap him; she was just trying to get something off her mind.

Back to the Initial Question

So, back to the initial question, when should you stop talking about it? With one exception, the frequency of discussing the infidelity fades over time. There are two factors that determine the speed with which this fade occurs.

1. The first factor is the wayward spouse's willingness to answer their mate's questions. Resistance to talking about it on the wayward spouse's part is only going to prolong the healing process. For most couples, the frequency of talking about it begins to subside somewhere between 16 and 24 months as new, positive memories are made.
2. The second factor that determines how long a couple talks about it is the magnitude of the betrayal trauma. If the betrayed spouse is suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), then talking about it could go on potentially for years. It's not uncommon for me to meet someone who continues to re-experience the infidelity as if it happened yesterday, even when it was six years ago. The problem with those types of trauma memories is that every time they're triggered, they go back to the moment that the psychic wound occurred and relive it even though years have passed.

Even when the wayward spouse is able to continue to patiently answer questions out of genuine care and concern, this will not heal traumatic memories in people with CPTSD. In this extreme situation, the betrayed spouse has to accept the reality that they will need some additional support to process the trauma.

The Better Question: Is it Constructive or Destructive?

Maybe the answer to, "When should you stop talking about it?" lies in whether talking about it is constructive or destructive. For the average couple, it's going to be a topic of conversation for probably 1, 2, or 3 years, but the frequency will diminish over that time. To measure the benefit, ask yourselves, "Why are we still talking about it?" and "How does talking about it help us move forward into our new life?" Remember, the ultimate goal isn't just to talk about it; it's to build a better life—together.

If you want to find productive ways to talk about it, consider taking our EMS Weekend or EMS Online. Working alongside experts and other couples who understand is the most effective way to facilitate healing.