Ending an Affair: Lock the Door Part 1 Ending An Affair: A 6 Part Series Make the Decision Close the Door Lock the Door Part 1 Lock the Door - Part Two Throw Away the Key Letting Go and Moving On Are you really willing to do whatever it takes to change? Sad to say many people aren't when it comes to ending an affair. As the old saying goes, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions," but behavior doesn't always follow our intentions. Locking the door is about avoiding self-sabotage. Steph and I have a friend who's a flight attendant. She's nice enough, but years of service in the airline industry transformed her into a safety czar. Not only do seat belts have to be fastened appropriately, but everything has to be stowed away and fastened down. She searches for everything that might become a flying missile were there to be an accident and anticipates and corrects what might go wrong. While it seems like a hassle, she's probably the safest person I know to travel with. She takes no chances. Anticipating Vulnerabilities Locking the door is just like that: it's anticipating vulnerabilities and preplanning the response. Anything short leaves the door unlocked. It's not that we plan to fail, we fail to plan. That omission leaves the door unlocked with possibilities for reentry. Humans live in a state of duality. Even when we decide to change course there's still a part of us that longs for what we've given up. Carlo DiClemente, PhD, and James O. Prochaska, PhD, pointed this out in their work1 on how people change. We tend to view people as being either in recovery or in denial. In reality, change is a progression. You can see this with any type of change—diet or exercise, for example. Stages of Change Denial The first stage of change is denial. In the denial stage of change, I'm not even considering there's a problem. Someone says I need to do this or that, but I'm thinking, "What's wrong with you?" because I refuse to see it as a problem. This is the stage we're in before we even consider closing the door. Ambivalence The second stage is ambivalence. This is that stage where we're torn and don't know what to do. I am 50/50—where 50 percent of me wants to shut the door but 50 percent of me really doesn't want to. I become ambivalent, trying to stay balanced, trying to stay on the fence. When someone puts pressure on me to change, I may push back. But there's a good chance that if challenged with, "You're never going to change," I will respond, "Oh, yes I will." Determination The next stage of change is the determination stage. In the determination stage of change, I decide to shut the door and begin planning how that would look. There is probably 53 percent of me that wants to shut that door. But I forget there is still 47 percent underneath that really doesn't want to. Many times I've had someone come in saying they've been unfaithful and want to end the affair. They express fear about what will happen if this goes public and tell me they're willing to do anything. They'll say "Just tell me what to do so I can stop." When I answer with, "Tell your wife about the affair" they usually say, "You've got to be kidding. I'm not going to tell my wife. Surely there is an easier way." Is that person willing to do whatever it takes? No. Action At this stage, the issue becomes what am I willing to do and what am I not willing to do? Nevertheless, I come up with my plan on how to approach that door and close it. Closing the door is called the action stage. I begin to take steps. That's how you know somebody is willing to change. They tell their AP it's over. They tell their mate they are coming home. Initially the action stage is really kind of energizing, because you begin to see some progress and maybe for the first time you feel you've made a decision. The only problem with this stage—where now probably 55 percent of me really wants that door shut—is that 45 percent of me that still doesn't want it shut and is certainly not interested in locking that door. Next I move to the maintenance stage. Maintenance This is where I have to lock the door and where the excitement of my change begins to wane. I begin questioning if I made the right decision. In this stage, maintaining the new routine seems difficult with little reward. Old habits seem to reappear and I can become discouraged. And while now there may be 56 percent of me that wants that change, there is still 44 percent that longs for my old ways. Research reveals that it takes from eighteen to twenty-four months just for the change to begin to feel natural. It's not uncommon for people to give in before that time. Relapse *DISCLAIMER* I am not saying every single person will relapse, nor am I saying that if someone does not relapse they have not changed. I just need you to know that if your mate relapses it does not mean all the work has been for naught. Our goal with this article is to avoid relapse, not give approval for it. Realistically, however, if the worst thing happens, we need to know how to respond and learn from our mistakes. Failure to intentionally lock that door leaves it susceptible to being blown open by any gust of wind. This explains why the next stage of change is sometimes, relapse. Research shows that relapse can be an important part of change. It is one of the stages of change. For those of you thinking, "I've already sworn if this happens again, I'm done," I know this is not what you want to hear. Yet relapse, or even relapse type behavior is really an important stage of change because relapse is where I learn what it takes to actually lock the door. As humans, we rarely learn by obtaining more head knowledge. Most lessons are learned through failure. Next week, I'm going to give you a step-by-step guide on how to lock the door. Hopefully you see how important locking that door to old behaviors is for the safety of yourself and your spouse. Recovery in many ways can be about locking some doors and opening up other doors. Our EMS Weekend is a safe and expert driven place to help you and your spouse open up your heart again. I hope you'll consider attending our next EMS Weekend. 1Prochaska, James O.; Norcorss, John C.; DiClemente, Carlo C.; Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward, New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1994. Print. Sections: Must ReadNewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Breaking Off The AffairFor The Hurt SpouseFor the Unfaithful SpouseRecovery FundamentalsRelapse PreventionRL_Media Type: Text
