Ending an Affair: Letting Go and Moving On Ending An Affair: A 6 Part Series Make the Decision Close the Door Lock the Door – Part 1 Lock the Door - Part 2 Throw Away the Key Letting Go and Moving On My internship during my senior year in college was with a thoracic surgeon working with terminally ill patients. At 22, walking patients and family through the stages of grief was more than I had bargained for. The year was 1975 and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' book titled "On Death and Dying" had only been out six years. Sad to say my maturity level in those days kept me trapped in grief's early stages of denial and anger. When I wasn't pretending everything was going to be okay I was pumping a clinched fist at the heavens for allowing such pain. I had yet to discover the stages of bargaining, depression and acceptance. To this day I'm still learning about grief work. But one thing I've learned for sure: the stages of letting go apply just as much to ending an affair as they do to death. Both require moving to a place of surrender to what is, and allowing for a transition to something new. Failure to let go leaves you forever trapped in the land of the "no more and not yet". Letting go and moving on are two separate processes, but we'll cover both in this article. Letting Go Letting go is more than a decision; it is a behavior. It's about surrendering the dreams imagined, and embracing the fullness of current reality. To begin, the denial about your affair partner has to be relinquished. Openness to a larger collective pool of knowledge is necessary for acquiring new perspective. Talking about the relationship with others who are safe and can help you gain perspective is critical for letting go. If you continue to live in denial and ignore their faults, you'll maintain the illusion of an unrealistic future. Failure to move beyond denial makes acceptance next to impossible. Failure to move beyond denial makes acceptance next to impossible. If you have not come to the point where you see as many negatives with your affair partner as you do with your mate, then you're most likely still in denial. Impeding Anger Anger also impedes letting go. Frequently, anger is used to avoid the pain. It's easier to be mad than sad. Rather than facing the emotion we try to transmit it to others and that is simply not fair. The solution to anger is identifying the emotions behind the anger and having courage to walk through that pain. Suppressing the feelings through rage will only delay the process. Find others who have gone through something similar and who can understand and talk about what you're feeling. Beating yourself up for what's happened won't move you forward. Instead be compassionate and work to forgive yourself as well as others to eliminate the bitterness. Bargaining After anger subsides our mind begins to bargain, trying to avoid the inevitable end of the affair. Bargaining is a vain expression of hope that somehow the relationship may yet be salvaged. To move through the bargaining stage, remind yourself that this decision is irreversible. This is what you've decided is best and that half measures will only prolong the pain for everyone involved. Remind yourself this too shall pass and over time you will heal. Stay focused on your own personal growth to begin seeing ways the loss will be transformed to something more meaningful and beneficial. At times it's facing the inevitable loss of the affair that triggers depression, but that may be a necessary stage to letting go and finding new life. Likely Depression Depression is the next grief stage. Some define depression as the inability to create a vision of the future. Letting go requires accepting responsibility for your future and accepting that your future will only be as good as you choose to make it. With loss sadness is natural. But sadness isn't the same as depression's inability to see a new future. While you may not yet see the new possibilities, it begins by believing it's possible. You don't know what it will look like, but allow yourself to dream new dreams and even better possibilities that do NOT include your affair partner. Moving Towards Acceptance The final stage of grief is acceptance. It's getting to the place where you see that it is what it is. It's over and it's time to create an even better life. Acceptance is the final stage of letting go. I no longer even long for what was, rather I begin seeing how the loss is being transformed and creating new possibilities. Acceptance allows you to freely face your future without an anchor of regret holding you in the past. It's usually not until this stage that we're ready to write our letter of termination. This is a letter that's NOT meant to be sent, but something that serves as a reminder and puts into words our final surrender of the relationship. An amazing freedom comes with endings which then open paths to new beginnings. Don't be afraid to let go and follow a new road. Moving On Moving on is about more than letting go. It's a "do over," a second chance to do something better the second time around. It's the opportunity to break out of the mold of other's expectations, take lessons life has taught, and build a more authentic vision for your life. Many of us who've been involved in affairs have written our mate out of our future, replacing them with our affair partner. It's depressing indeed if we consider renewing our life with our mate when we either have no vision of a future with them or if all we can see is the negative vision we created to justify our affair. I once heard a story of a man who obtained an audience with a "holy man" he had always admired. When they sat down together the young man immediately began telling this man what he was learning and how he was growing. Eventually as the conversation lagged, the "holy man" asked the young man if he'd like a cup of tea. "Of course," he replied. The holy man then took a cup and began pouring tea. Only he didn't stop when the cup was full he just kept on pouring the tea, filling the saucer, and then spilling tea all over the table as cup and saucer over flowed. "What are you doing?" cried the young man. "You are so full of your own opinions, how can you consider something new until you first empty your cup?" Moving on requires a willingness to "empty our cup" to make room for new possibilities. Consider the possibility that you don't really know your mate. Allow yourself to be curious about who they are. Be open to having new conversations. When I'm working with someone who's moving on (away from the affair), I encourage them to begin getting to know their mate anew. To try and look beyond the history and the stories you've told yourself about them and consider them as a mystery that has yet to be solved. I have couples begin doing strategic planning where they identify a mission and mutual goals. I have them create milestones that allow them to see forward movement. I have them dream dreams of a wonderful future together. Moving on also requires the support of others who can set an example for new ways to interact. As Einstein says, "No problem can be solved by the same consciousness that created it." Focus on what needs to be done to build a healthy marriage and minimize those things or people that tear it down. Be intentional. The chapter you're in now, doesn't have to be the last chapter in the book. As we say at our EMS Weekend Intensives, every great story has at least one bad chapter. If you want tips and direction on how to strengthen your marriage, consider attending one of our upcoming EMS Weekends.Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Breaking Off The AffairFor the Unfaithful SpouseRecovery FundamentalsRelapse PreventionStrengthening MarriageRL_Media Type: Text
