Coping with Infidelity: The 2 Stages of Pain I went to an end-of-the-year bash with a bunch of friends during my junior year in high school. We had a great time grilling burgers and listening to music, but two of my friends wanted a bit more excitement and decided to put a cup of ice down my pants. I, on the other hand, wasn't interested in this type of fun and the chase began. I was faster than my friends, but also lazy. I didn't want to expend too much energy, so I made the brilliant decision to escape by climbing a tree. I miscalculated the speed with which I could get beyond their reach and they caught my leg. Needless to say, it was only a matter of time until they pinned me down and dumped ice down my pants. It was really cold, and I wanted to get it out ASAP, but this was a church youth group party, and it didn't seem appropriate to drop my pants in front of everyone. I made a mad dash for the house. As I said, I am a fast runner (I was on the track team), and that was going to help me escape the embarrassment I was feeling. Until I hit the sliding glass door, that is. It exploded. I was so clueless about what was happening that when I heard the sound of breaking glass, I thought someone had dropped a glass in the kitchen. A moment later, when I found myself on the floor sitting in a pile of glass, I began to connect the dots. I had severe cuts on both arms and was rushed to the hospital. There, I discovered that I had severed the tendons to my fingers on both hands, requiring surgery to repair the damage. As you might imagine, it was pretty bad having BOTH arms and hands immobilized in casts. I couldn't dress, bathe, or feed myself, but that wasn't the worst part. I had no choice but to let others do things for me. The hard part came when the casts were removed and I was sent to physical therapy. I wasn't sure I wanted to participate in the pain required to regain my strength and mobility. I could either do the painful exercises necessary to regain a range of motion for my hands and fingers or I could avoid the pain by not moving my fingers. That choice would leave me with the same poor quality of life I endured while wearing the casts. The only path available to regain the use of my hands was to go through the pain. The pain did, in fact, have a purpose. Recovering from infidelity can be a similar journey. Join other betrayed mates on the path to healing with our life-changing Harboring Hope online course and start a better, brighter chapter. Learn More | Harboring Hope Stage one of pain is involuntary. It comes as the result of something that happens to us, but the initial pain fades in time. Stage two is where personal choice is exercised. How we respond reveals a great deal about us in that moment. We can: Avoid the pain Numb the pain Transmit the pain to someone else Ignore the pain Let the pain control you Accept the pain Work through the pain The problem isn't the pain; the problem lies in our heart's attitude toward the pain and the heart we personally bring to the pain. Stage One Whether we like it or not, life is filled with pain-generating circumstances, and at times, we have to decide how to respond. If I believe pain is bad and something to be avoided, then I'll have problems facing life. If I accept pain as a natural part of life and don't live in fear of pain, then I'll be free to face my situation and choose what will bring life. Obviously, the pain created by infidelity is one of life's worst. As we say here at Affair Recovery, "infidelity is a pain like no other." In the initial stages, the pain is just there, and there's little you can do to mitigate it. It overwhelms you. It overtakes you in ways that make you feel out of control. As you're coping with infidelity and the pain it brings, you may try to numb it through alcohol or drugs, you may try to transmit it to the person who hurt you, or you may try to ignore it and pretend it's not there. (None of these options work very well!) But it is there and if you suppress it, it tends to come out about five years later with even greater intensity. You may try to simply avoid it, but if you've already been hurt, there's no way to avoid what's already happened. When recovering from infidelity or any other pain of this magnitude, there is an alternate choice: Walk through the pain by accepting it, grieving it, and allowing it to be a vehicle of transformation for yourself and all parties involved. Personally, I think the final choice is the best by far, but that's just the first stage. Stage Two The second stage is where our choice becomes a part of the equation. Once the initial pain begins to subside, we have to decide how to proceed. (This is where my physical therapy began following the surgery on my hands). In recovering from infidelity, you have to choose to take the relational risk to re-engage. You have to be willing to take the risk of hurting or being hurt again. You need to be willing to let yourself have a life. If you don't, your life will be forever trapped and controlled by the betrayal, all because, at some level, you've made the choice to allow it. There is a better, more loving, more fulfilling way for you to heal and not remain incapacitated by the pain you've experienced. I'm not suggesting you place yourself at risk by re-engaging with someone who is not safe. If the other person's heart isn't soft, and if they're not doing what's necessary to take responsibility and heal the relationship, then they may not be safe. But, if you've got someone who is trying to love and "gets it" or is trying to "get it," there comes a point when you've got to decide whether you want to live again or keep your heart in a cold coma in order to avoid future pain. As C.S. Lewis wrote in The Four Loves: "Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give your heart to no one. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers and perturbations of love, is hell." Don't let your circumstances condemn you to a hellish, joyless life. Find hope and healing from the pain alongside others who have experienced the same wounds in one of our courses. There is a way of escape. You have to grieve the pain of betrayal to get there, but in the long run, it's more than worth it. Regardless of what level of reconciliation is achieved in your relationships, you'll trade darkness for light and ugliness for beauty. Give your soul a chance to be stirred by beauty and love and find hope once again. Sections: Must ReadNewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Emotional RegulationIntrusive ThoughtsRecovery FundamentalsSafety in RecoveryTrauma of InfidelityRL_Media Type: Text
