You need total transparency, deep conversations, investigative questions for discovery after an affair from the expert Esther Perel (search online for this) or let me find you the link, sorry you will have to copy and paste it ; https://s3.amazonaws.com/media.affairrecovery.com/docs/newsletter/Esther...
I feel for you so deeply, and feel your pain. You have to understand your husband is like a drug addict. He is addicted to a high. As we all know drugs aren't good for us, but doesn't stop us using! He must go NO CONTACT.
You should be able to contact him at all times, or really he should stay in contact with you at ALL times, if he has to stay away. Although I would prefer if YOU could go with him, if at all possible, but this would be challenging I'm sure.
Back to the transparency, that means TOTAL access to his mobile phone, email account, computer, etc etc, at ANY time you want to access any of them - if he has nothing to hide, this should not be a problem and is recommended by all the experts.
Those investigative questions from Esther Perel helpful. I am sadly post two years from D-Day and still tormenting myself and my husband - his was and EA - emotional affair or what I decided and he agreed with me, a LE - Limerent Episode (infatuation and obsession known as 'Limerence' for a L.O - 'Limerent Object')
The L.O. - or limerent object (I love this term as an object, sorry!) in his case, was my fake friend or 'frenemy' and who he stated was his "only friend" FFS during the aftermath of D-Day and the ensuing months, until he saw the light. The light was in respect of the L.O. and her true narcissistic traits, victim mentality, damsel in distress and downright jealousy! These people exist 'Mate Poachers' desperate women, or ones who love to 'steal' others partners, they only want people who are with someone else...
My husband told me this on D-Day "Sorry here's a curveball for you, I love -----, I miss her, she needs looking after, why don't you include her!"
The traitor and treacherous excuse for a human, had been taken under my wing, included in everything, invited to all our social gatherings and outings, a birthday party for her at our house, I felt sorry for her...even though she treated me sometimes quite badly, in writing, face to face - but never in public, she had another face for that...
This poor excuse for the sisterhood, and never a friend of mine I know now, my husband's or indeed a fan of marriage..these type of women exist too, the ones with no regard for the institution of marriage or friendship..she said "marriage holds zero appeal to me" in one of her hoovering attempts to meet with him, luckily I intercepted this email as I had access to his email account, computer, phone and everything...You MUST have this access too..
With the triggers and picturing them, your mind's eye in an obsessive loop - so damn painful, again I feel for you deeply. My husband didn't have sex with the L.O. but boy did he want to! :(((((((
He told me it wasn't about sex on that dreadful D-Day night, but then about ten days later was asking a good male friend of his "Oh why do I want to fu** her so much!" ..and I'll tell you why, like I've told him..she had told him she "was open to explore" with him, as long as he told me! OMFG - so talk about lay it on a plate..how exciting for him and his raging hormones..He told me he thought I didn't love him, he thought I was too busy with work, he thought that me having to be being involved with my estranged mother with dementia after 4 years away from her was a "situation that made me cold"..Oh the pain of hearing all this, when he knew I needed him most, when he knew that me in contact with my mother always ended with me being in pain, distress and depression for days, before her and I were estranged..he KNEW, yet he chose or was 'DRAWN' to this L.O. the O.W...
The L.O. as I have said is a narcissist for sure, yes I know this is a term bandied about a lot..But she was both 'Grandiose' and a 'Vulnerable' Narcissist, oh as well as a 'Communal narcissist'...and he knew this as well as I did..but these people manipulate and push boundaries, although I know HE made moves, she had her part in enticing him or drawing him in...asking him to help her fix things at her flat, without my knowledge and with it previously..before he started getting 'drawn to her', I knew then, even encouraged him to help her FFS!
She constantly bemoaned her single life, "Oh why not me, I'm beautiful, intelligent, sexy, wonderful, kind, blah blah blah" .."Oh my sister has kids, and so does my brother, why not me" - Ad Nauseam, non stop did she go on about being on her own "Oh my skin hurts from not being touched!" BTW she did not have a partner for at least 9 or 10 years..So DESPERATE was she, that she was prepared to EXPLORE with her so-called friend's husband, so she could fulfil her "LOVE KARMA"..."Oh I'm adored, admired, longed for and fantasised over, but not enough for my love karma to be brought into reality, oh well, I will just get on with evicting my tenant, (a single mother of three who was suicidal) whilst of course socially re-housing her!" ...She was trying to evict this suicidal, single mum of three "before she spills her blood on my grandmama's carpet"
I'm sorry that I've gone off on what will be a cathartic rant if this gets posted, but really I was moved to reply to you JessLynn, try to think of five red things in the room when you've got images coming up in your head or five green things, you get the picture I hope..look for stuff online to help, but Esther Perel is fantastic as are Dr's Gottman the marriage experts..you can recover and have a stronger marriage as I feel we now have, but you have to have total transparency from your husband, he has to commit to absolutely NO CONTACT with this OW to break the addiction, to be true to you, he needs to look at what he needs to do to help you..Research, counselling, recovery sites, I like "Linda and Doug" - Doug had an emotional affair with a woman called Tania, Doug and Linda had been married three decades I think, with four kids (you don't say if you have any)..anyway, Linda was devastated by her husband Doug's emotional affair with the OW called Tania, their blogs are great and advice and comments from them both and other betrayed and cheaters is really helpful..Search online with those keywords, think it's under the heading of "Emotional affairs" for the Doug and Linda blog..
I wish you much love, health and happiness, hope there's some help in here for you xxx
"I caught my husband of 27 years"
Dear JessLynn,
You need total transparency, deep conversations, investigative questions for discovery after an affair from the expert Esther Perel (search online for this) or let me find you the link, sorry you will have to copy and paste it ;
https://s3.amazonaws.com/media.affairrecovery.com/docs/newsletter/Esther...
I feel for you so deeply, and feel your pain. You have to understand your husband is like a drug addict. He is addicted to a high. As we all know drugs aren't good for us, but doesn't stop us using! He must go NO CONTACT.
You should be able to contact him at all times, or really he should stay in contact with you at ALL times, if he has to stay away. Although I would prefer if YOU could go with him, if at all possible, but this would be challenging I'm sure.
Back to the transparency, that means TOTAL access to his mobile phone, email account, computer, etc etc, at ANY time you want to access any of them - if he has nothing to hide, this should not be a problem and is recommended by all the experts.
Those investigative questions from Esther Perel helpful. I am sadly post two years from D-Day and still tormenting myself and my husband - his was and EA - emotional affair or what I decided and he agreed with me, a LE - Limerent Episode (infatuation and obsession known as 'Limerence' for a L.O - 'Limerent Object')
The L.O. - or limerent object (I love this term as an object, sorry!) in his case, was my fake friend or 'frenemy' and who he stated was his "only friend" FFS during the aftermath of D-Day and the ensuing months, until he saw the light. The light was in respect of the L.O. and her true narcissistic traits, victim mentality, damsel in distress and downright jealousy! These people exist 'Mate Poachers' desperate women, or ones who love to 'steal' others partners, they only want people who are with someone else...
My husband told me this on D-Day "Sorry here's a curveball for you, I love -----, I miss her, she needs looking after, why don't you include her!"
The traitor and treacherous excuse for a human, had been taken under my wing, included in everything, invited to all our social gatherings and outings, a birthday party for her at our house, I felt sorry for her...even though she treated me sometimes quite badly, in writing, face to face - but never in public, she had another face for that...
This poor excuse for the sisterhood, and never a friend of mine I know now, my husband's or indeed a fan of marriage..these type of women exist too, the ones with no regard for the institution of marriage or friendship..she said "marriage holds zero appeal to me" in one of her hoovering attempts to meet with him, luckily I intercepted this email as I had access to his email account, computer, phone and everything...You MUST have this access too..
With the triggers and picturing them, your mind's eye in an obsessive loop - so damn painful, again I feel for you deeply. My husband didn't have sex with the L.O. but boy did he want to! :(((((((
He told me it wasn't about sex on that dreadful D-Day night, but then about ten days later was asking a good male friend of his "Oh why do I want to fu** her so much!" ..and I'll tell you why, like I've told him..she had told him she "was open to explore" with him, as long as he told me! OMFG - so talk about lay it on a plate..how exciting for him and his raging hormones..He told me he thought I didn't love him, he thought I was too busy with work, he thought that me having to be being involved with my estranged mother with dementia after 4 years away from her was a "situation that made me cold"..Oh the pain of hearing all this, when he knew I needed him most, when he knew that me in contact with my mother always ended with me being in pain, distress and depression for days, before her and I were estranged..he KNEW, yet he chose or was 'DRAWN' to this L.O. the O.W...
The L.O. as I have said is a narcissist for sure, yes I know this is a term bandied about a lot..But she was both 'Grandiose' and a 'Vulnerable' Narcissist, oh as well as a 'Communal narcissist'...and he knew this as well as I did..but these people manipulate and push boundaries, although I know HE made moves, she had her part in enticing him or drawing him in...asking him to help her fix things at her flat, without my knowledge and with it previously..before he started getting 'drawn to her', I knew then, even encouraged him to help her FFS!
She constantly bemoaned her single life, "Oh why not me, I'm beautiful, intelligent, sexy, wonderful, kind, blah blah blah" .."Oh my sister has kids, and so does my brother, why not me" - Ad Nauseam, non stop did she go on about being on her own "Oh my skin hurts from not being touched!" BTW she did not have a partner for at least 9 or 10 years..So DESPERATE was she, that she was prepared to EXPLORE with her so-called friend's husband, so she could fulfil her "LOVE KARMA"..."Oh I'm adored, admired, longed for and fantasised over, but not enough for my love karma to be brought into reality, oh well, I will just get on with evicting my tenant, (a single mother of three who was suicidal) whilst of course socially re-housing her!" ...She was trying to evict this suicidal, single mum of three "before she spills her blood on my grandmama's carpet"
I'm sorry that I've gone off on what will be a cathartic rant if this gets posted, but really I was moved to reply to you JessLynn, try to think of five red things in the room when you've got images coming up in your head or five green things, you get the picture I hope..look for stuff online to help, but Esther Perel is fantastic as are Dr's Gottman the marriage experts..you can recover and have a stronger marriage as I feel we now have, but you have to have total transparency from your husband, he has to commit to absolutely NO CONTACT with this OW to break the addiction, to be true to you, he needs to look at what he needs to do to help you..Research, counselling, recovery sites, I like "Linda and Doug" - Doug had an emotional affair with a woman called Tania, Doug and Linda had been married three decades I think, with four kids (you don't say if you have any)..anyway, Linda was devastated by her husband Doug's emotional affair with the OW called Tania, their blogs are great and advice and comments from them both and other betrayed and cheaters is really helpful..Search online with those keywords, think it's under the heading of "Emotional affairs" for the Doug and Linda blog..
I wish you much love, health and happiness, hope there's some help in here for you xxx