Rick Reynolds, LCSW

by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

The Trap

Last week, based upon many of your responses, I believe I missed the mark in communicating what I believe to be an important truth in recovering from infidelity. To help clear up the message, I’m going to relay a fable written by Lewis B. Smedes from his book, Forgive and Forget. I believe this fable, entitled “The Magic Eyes,” may help communicate my thoughts more clearly, as well as paint a picture for where I hope to take each of you in your own recovery.  

In the village of Faken in innermost Friesland there lived a long thin baker name Fouke, a righteous man, with a long thin chin and a long thin nose. Fouke was so upright that he seemed to spray righteousness from his thin lips over everyone who came near him; so the people of Faken preferred to stay away.

Fouke's wife, Hilda, was short and round, her arms were round, her bosom was round, her rump was round. Hilda did not keep people at bay with righteousness; her soft roundness seemed to invite them instead to come close to her in order to share the warm cheer of her open heart.

Hilda respected her righteous husband, and loved him too, as much as he allowed her; but her heart ached for something more from him than his worthy righteousness. And there, in the bed of her need, lay the seed of sadness.

One morning, having worked since dawn to knead his dough for the ovens, Fouke came home and found a stranger in his bedroom lying on Hilda's round bosom. Hilda's adultery soon became the talk of the tavern and the scandal of the Faken congregation. Everyone assumed that Fouke would cast Hilda out of his house, so righteous was he. But he surprised everyone by keeping Hilda as his wife, saying he forgave her as the Good Book said he should.

In his heart of hearts, however, Fouke could not forgive Hilda for bringing shame to his name. Whenever he thought about her, his feelings toward her were angry and hard; he despised her as if she were a common whore. When it came right down to it, he hated her for betraying him after he had been so good and so faithful a husband to her. He only pretended to forgive Hilda so that he could punish her with his righteous mercy.

But Fouke's fakery did not sit well in heaven. So each time that Fouke would feel his secret hated toward Hilda, an angel came to him and dropped a small pebble, hardly the size of a shirt button, into Fouke's heart. Each time a pebble dropped, Fouke would feel a stab of pain like the pain he felt the moment he came on Hilda feeding her hungry heart from a stranger's larder. Thus he hated her the more; his hate brought him pain and his pain made him hate.

The pebbles multiplied. And Fouke's heart grew very heavy with the weight of them, so heavy that the top half of his body bent forward so far that he had to strain his neck upward in order to see straight ahead. Weary with hurt, Fouke began to wish he were dead.

The angel who dropped the pebbles into his heart came to Fouke one night and told him how he could be healed of his hurt. There was one remedy, he said, only one, for the hurt of a wounded heart. Fouke would need the miracle of the magic eyes. He would need eyes that could look back to the beginning of his hurt and see his Hilda, not as a wife who betrayed him, but as a weak woman who needed him. Only a new way of looking at things through the magic eyes could heal the hurt flowing from the wounds of yesterday.

Fouke protested. "Nothing can change the past," he said. "Hilda is guilty, a fact that not even an angel can change." "Yes, poor hurting man, you are right," the angel said. "You cannot change the past, you can only heal the hurt that comes to you from the past. And you can heal it only with the vision of the magic eyes."

"And how can I get your magic eyes?" pouted Fouke.

"Only ask, desiring as you ask, and they will be given you. And each time you see Hilda through your new eyes, one pebble will be lifted from your aching heart."

Fouke could not ask at once, for he had grown to love his hatred. But the pain of his heart finally drove him to want and to ask for the magic eyes that the angel had promised. So he asked. And the angle gave.

Soon Hilda began to change in front of Fouke's eyes, wonderfully and mysteriously. He began to see her as a needy woman who loved him instead of a wicked woman who betrayed him.

The angel kept his promise; he lifted the pebbles from Fouke's heart, one by one, though it took a long time to take them all away. Fouke gradually felt his heart grow lighter; he began to walk straight again, and somehow his nose and his chin seemed less thin and sharp than before. He invited Hilda to come into his heart again, and she came, and together they began again a journey into their second season of humble joy.

After re-reading last weeks newsletter I do wish I had more tempered the second half. I do believe however that the point I was trying to make is valid (even though poorly spoken). For those who interpreted my words as blame for those who’ve been betrayed I ask your humble forgiveness. I remain true to my belief that bad marriages are not the cause of infidelity.

But, as I’ve also said in the past, typically the journey for those who’ve been betrayed is far more difficult than for those who’ve been unfaithful. Painful reminders coupled with the loss of trust leaves betrayed spouse’s disoriented, possibly facing the most difficult situation of their life.

My heart breaks for the men and women who become burdened with the bitterness that so haunted Fouke’s life. Those blinded by the pain inflicted by their mate’s betrayal are at risk of reacting in ways they never dreamed possible. Pain that’s not transformed will be transmitted, and I can only pray that those who’ve been betrayed will not respond in ways which are self-destructive. For that reason I hope to encourage those who’ve been hurt to take the high road. People change by contrast far more than they do by conflict. I personally believe when Jesus was betrayed by Judas that he gave him a look of love as he said, “You’d betray me with a kiss?” That look of love contrasted against Judas’ betrayal drove him to suicide. I believe when Peter betrayed Jesus three times and the cock crowed, that Jesus met Peter’s gaze with a look of pure love that ultimately broke Peter and prepared him to be the leader of the new church.

What the angel says in Smede’s fable is right. "You cannot change the past, you can only heal the hurt that comes to you from the past. And you can only heal it with the vision of the magic eyes." There is no excuse for the betrayal perpetrated by one’s mate; but they may also be people who are hurting as well, or who are weak in some area. You learn to see this and forgive them the hurt they dealt you. This is what love is and it’s what keeps you free from the bitterness that bound Fouke.

If you want freedom from the torture of betrayal, find others who have accomplished that goal and ask what they’ve done that’s helped. I’ll bet it was about mitigating their own response and coming to a place of forgiveness and acceptance. When people suffer greatly they will have one of three responses:

  1. They will go insane.
  2. They will become bitter, transmitting their pain to others.
  3. They will learn to love greatly and grow in their compassion for others.

If it’s difficult to find peers who have struggled through the pain of infidelity and have been able to discover the freedom you desire. I’d invite you to join our community at Affair Recovery. You don’t have to suffer in lonely desolation. Find hope from those who’ve already discovered new life in the midst of their storm.

Sections: 

RL_Category: 

RL_Media Type: 

AA Codes: 

Add New Comment:

Comments

I have 'forgiven'four times,

I have 'forgiven'four times, stayed in the marriage, shown love, supported my husband and my children financially and emotionally. My two sons were teenagers when their father's infidelity came to their knowledge via his 'mistress' at the time. There followed a more destructive affair and six years on from the discovery of that affair I am still here but the last mistress still disrupts our lives to the extent we now have a second harassment order against her. The first one was broken by her and my husband meeting for a 'coffee' in the interim time my husband has had a prosectemy following prostrate cancer which I supported him through...as did his mistress as I subsequently found out. Tell me when angel eyes dim!

that's a relief

I have been blaming myself for my husband's cheating. I could have..... should have..... and a friend shared the other day that even if we had a bad marriage, he still should not cheat. And yet, I know he is hurting. Before he admitted to the affair - which continues today, He said he was "toxic" and feels like a failure. He says "she's just a diversion"... not sure what to do with that. But knowing my husband is hurting, I want to help but he and others have pulled me from rushing to him. Willing to forgive, even now.... yet praying for his return to the man I know and love.

God Bless you Richard

Because what you are going through is exactly the reason I don't want to give love back to my husband: I am terrified he will just quit for awhile and go right back to what he was doing. I cannot get out of him whether or not it was physical or emotional or both, but I know deep down as long as it went on it had to be and I cannot believe him when he says otherwise. I hope the best for you. I hope my reconciliation is safe. I will pray for you Richard.

Keep wondering.

I also keep wondering when or if the trust will return. Even though he is still at home and acts like he wants to stay, he still believes that a person can be in love with two people at the same time and not hurt either one. What I hear is, it can happen again. I don't feel safe then.

Wow your story sounds like

Wow your story sounds like mine. I have been dealing with the issue for 12 years and only recently discovered this site. It is helpful and I came to a magic eyes conclusion on my own years ago, bit now as I read I do not believe my husband is safe. I love him and don't want my marriage to end, but I think now the only way it will stop is for me to be the one to leave. I don't think in a situation like ours they will ever go.

"Ditto" - We too have the same sad story

Our story too is the same. We attended the EMS weekend early this year and I thought things felt "right" and we were experiencing the joys of reconciliation with each other and our family, only to discover that my husband was continuing to deceive me as well as others in the EMS support programs. He has once again allowed his addiction to his affair partner to control him and prevent us from having our "end game" together. Our end game is the culmination of building an incredible life together as business partners, parents and best friends, and enjoying the fruits of our labour watching and playing with our grandchildren, surrounded by family and life-long friends. I now feel that God is calling me to be the woman he's always known I will be - and no longer be content to be the "wind beneath my husband's wings. I have loved this man for 45 years - which represents 3/4 of my life - I will always love him. But I know now that God is calling me to "let him go". I have given God my fears - my fear of abandonment - my fear of no longer being a couple - my fear of losing the life I love, and I am giving my husband to God. I trust that God will show him His love so that he can find Peace. I ask God to help him to open his heart and really, finally believe that he is indeed - "Abba's Child." Thank you Rick for your amazing support and this wonderful work you do.

Confirmation for me

Yes this is my story too. He cheats, I forgive, I start to heal and he does it again. Looks like there is no "end game" for us too. Everything you have said is exactly what I am thinking and praying. I know God has a plan & purpose for me but looks like it does not include him. Yes I can & will forgive him, again, but reconciliation? I don't think so...

It gets better.

Hang in there, it does get better. For me, it was six months before the "emotional storm" calmed enough for me to even think straight. I was crazy mad, hurt, and hoped I'd die. The author obviously has a Christian viewpoint, and one I agree with. Almost two years on, the painful reminders still hurt... but it's better now. I've learned to see people more the way Christ did. I've learned to be more empathetic to people in general...and I can serve them out of a heart that better understands their pain. You didn't deserve this, and absolutely, your recovery is tougher than the cheater's road ahead. We cannot choose the trials in our lives, but we can choose how to respond. And it ain't easy. Love and Prayers, WoundedH

forgiveness

What if forgiveness is not the problem? I've forgiven and thought we're passed the worst, only to find out that affairs didn't stop. I've forgiven again and we went to counseling, only to find out 4 months later that affairs didn't stop. I've forgiven again, and he said the affairs stopped, but just found out he misses them and wonders how they are, and I'm just not beautiful enough and simply not enough. Each time despair is deeper and deeper, my self-esteem is lower and lower. I know it's not really about me, but it's not helpful at all. My husband and our kids were my world, the most important thing in the universe to me, and now what? is there even a point in trying to save it? And if not, where do I go from here? How do I pick up the pieces? How do I survive this?

Tough love, but a necessary step.

I thought your last post was excellent. It was a tough one, but in this processes of moving forward from betrayal, an occasional firm stance is needed to balance the softly, softly that is also necessary to balm the wounds. Two humans in a relationship fail all the time. Betrayal is a failure in communication- big fail. But communication is a two way street and being able to see the problem from both sides- the neutral observer- is an important place to get to. The complicated emotions that come after the knowledge of emotional betrayal of infidelity are a seperate issue. The shame, hurt, mistrust, anger etc are emotions that are unique to the hurt individual and come from the iindividual, and can only be healed by that individual. The unfaithful spose doesnt own those- they triggered them. Being able to place owning (both partners) the human behaviour that lead to the betrayal , and then owning the feelings ( but not allowing the feeiings to own you) that are triggered by that behaviour can help move to a more neutral place. If one partner cant own their part in the relationship problem, then there is no RELATIONSHIP, just 2 people flying solo in the one place at the same time, looking out for their own interests. If the relationship is the common interest, then people tend to own their part.

It is easier for me to

It is easier for me to forgive my husband (the betrayer) because I love him and he desires reconciliation. I have to remind myself often that I forgive him but that too gets easier as the triggers lesson in intensity. My problem is forgiving HER (the affair partner). I feel she was intentional and she suffers no apparent consequences and does not appear shamed or remorseful in our small community. I struggle with "Are we asked to forgive people who haven't asked for forgiveness"

I have the same exact emotion

I have the same exact emotion towards the other woman...I worry it will never ease. And as long as it is there, she still has power over me. Which I also hate.

It is easier for me to....

I am going through the exact same thing you are at this stage. I pray to God that there will one day be an email or letter from her that asks for forgiveness. It's almost like I could have closure over this whole thing if I knew she felt remorse about her role in the affair. I know this will never happen and that's why I have been having trouble letting go of the past.

Confused

I'm struggling with something that seems to be a constant reference that I see. Even in this poem above, the cheater is a weak person who's needs are not being met by their spouse which insinuates that it's the betrayed spouse who is at fault. However everything I read say's that an affair is not the betrayed spouses fault. Another thing that has really upset me is that an affair is commonly referred to as a fantasy. I'm sorry but it is not a fantasy, it is actually a reality that the cheater has lived with and once it all comes out in the open it's a brutal reality that the faithful spouse has to live with too. It certainly isn't fantasy for me being a betrayed spouse! How am I supposed to wrap my head around that? I was always here for my spouse, he worked 3rd shift and was never around. I would ask if he was happy or if there was anything I could do for him and he lied to me constantly... If anything, I was the one in need of a real companion, I was left to be a mom and a maid while he was out with that girl! Not a single valentines, anniversary, or birthday was acknowledged for me yet I just believed him when he said he was stressed! Now that she is supposedly out of his life, he acts like he really wants to work on the marriage but how am I ever going to trust anything he says? How do I know that he'll never do this again? He swore even while he was cheating that he would never do that, could never do that because he loved me too much! Liar.... My heart aches not knowing, wanting to be able to trust but not being able to. When I ask how he knows he'll never do it again, all he can say is "because I know". What a lazy thoughtless and careless answer.... I refuse to trust blindly again... I refuse to believe that he was merely weak and in need. His needs were met at home, mine weren't and yet I'm the faithful one... This pain in my heart is not a fantasy, it is not something I day dream of. It hurts, It's left me with circumstances which are not removable from my life. She is very much a real person... None of it is fantasy....

I am Fouke

My wife had a very short term affair that was discovered about 21 months ago. Her actions, deceit and betrayal were horrible. She was caught in a weak moment and fell prey to a predator. After being caught, she has been the most repentant, humble and remorseful person possible. She has done everything in her power to repair and save our marriage. I admire her for all she has done and all she continues to do for our family. But I am Fouke. My heart is full of pebbles and I cannot release them. The loss of the sanctity of our marriage and the fact that she let a man invade her and our home is beyond my ability to forgive. I fake much of my feelings. I want her to heal, but I do not seem to heal inside. Daily.. I look at her with ill will and think of making her leave. I wish I didn't. I wish I loved her again and could see her with the eyes that I once did. It just doesn't seem possible. I have tried and prayed for it. God is not listening and has done little to soften my heart. The fable struck a chord within me. I will redouble my efforts to let this go. I just expected and hoped for more from my wife. I have not been able to get over the shame I feel for being a betrayed and feel a fool for staying with her. I know this is now an issue of my pride getting in the way, but my heart is still broken and there's no relief in sight. Sadly Signed, Fouke

I just want to say this post

I just want to say this post is very helpful. I am finally at a place where I can try to apply the "magic eyes" and see results. But it has been a journey of two and one-half years. I'm not sure this lesson would have meant as much to me earlier in the journey as it does now. Maybe time is part of the healing, and there is just no way to rush that process along. Thank you for this post.

Encouraged

It's encouraging to read from one responder that she has been on this journey of healing for 2 1/2 years. It's been two years for me and I thought I was alone in taking so much time recovering. Yes, it's easier to get through my days now, but still...a day doesn't go by where I'm not walking around grieving all we have lost. Yes, I'm thankful my husband is back with me, but I cannot seem to look at him without remembering the hurtful things he did to me, and what hurts the most is I still don't feel his love for me, in spite of his words. I'll try praying for these "magic eyes".

Great article

I am the betrayed spouse. I have done just about everything wrong. I flip flop between understanding and compassion, hatred, even violence. It seems as though my personality has changed. I have lost my sense of humor. I have stalked. I have confronted my husband's girlfriend. I've hated myself and wanted to die. My husband is tired of being told he is a liar and a cheater. He has apologized many times. In ways that are true and sincere. He is still with the girlfriend and we are getting a divorce. But he has always said he loves me too. He is in love with two people. He says that I will never understand him, and that he was and still is in pain. His pain left him vulnerable and the affair with his colleague just happened. I forced him to make a choice and he could not leave her so he moved out a couple of months ago and here we are. I truly want to be able to understand this man. I love him. But I am afraid that if I understand it will make me feel worse. I can't bear to feel worse. I have lost 25 pounds. I have slept an average of 3 hours per night for the last 5 months since I found out. Feeling worse might do me in. I aspire to be friends with my husband again someday. But I am not treating him like a friend. When he tries to explain something to me I always take it as a slam. I have become selfish and only see things the way I want to see them, which is usually with him as the "bad guy". How do I move forward? I speak to him often...though it hurts me there is also the pull of my love for him. I am so conflicted. I realize I am rambling but I am so tired of this pain. I often feel that the best way to free myself of the pain is to stop communicating with him, but I can't bring myself to do it. Any advice or moral support is appreciated.

My mums betrayal.

I am a living witness to the poison that lack of forgiveness is to ones soul. My mother bore the the pain of infidelity, neglect and isolation most of her early married life to my father. She suffered darts from the enemy through my uncle who was a notorious sorcerer in our community. She went through hell and back. She became bitter, and appeared to be in pain all the time. She was needy for love from her husband and from us her children. She cast a gloom wherever she went. All she could talk about ALL her life were problems. We all began to avoid her because it's guaranteed that you would lose your joy whenever she was around. She was always ill and there was no diagnosis for it. She had amnesia, arthritis, cardiovascular disease, vertigo and many more. She died an unhappy woman not capable of feeling the love of her family. My mother was a really good woman, sacrificial in her love and devotion to EVERYONE around her, in the family and in the community but she was just incapable of allowing joy to sink in. She was a very damaged woman. When my husband's infidelity was discovered, I had to forgive because I knew the cost of holding on to bitterness. In my mother's case, her husband, my dad, lived his life to the full and enjoyed the love and support of everyone around him. The object of her misery lived a good life while she remained in misery. What we allow to bind to our souls is what we experience. In allowing compassion for the betrayer to sink into our souls, we learn to free the person from our pains. We are able to let joy in to our hearts and become free from the burden of bitterness, regrets and anger. Remember also that unforgiveness brings psychological and physiological illness to us too.

Smede Fable

It breaks my heart when I read the men comments because my husband is exactly like Fouke except my husband is stuck on #2... he has alot of anger, bitterness, and hatred in his heart. I can't blame him; my deception and betrayal was deep. Like Richard's wife, I had long term affairs, the shortest one was 1 1/2 years. My husband and I were separated for a year and I believed in my heart that we would divorce. But God is merciful and we reconciled at the beginning of this year. However, the struggle remains. I am totally committed to my husband and our relationship but he is in a place in his heart that seems untouchable. He has said the exact comments as dwayne, about caring and love. There are not enough words that can be spoken or action to be taken that can or will convey to my husband that I care for him and love him as long as he holds unforgiveness in his heart. I want us to work out and stay together for our Golden Years... maybe God has a different plan for us.. I don't know. In Pastor Osteen's sermon, it was about letting go of bad things in your life.. but, he also said that sometimes you have to let go of the good things which in turn will open the door for God to bless you more greatly...

healing the pain

I am in to this recovery of my husbands affair about 2 years in Oct, is when he moved back home. All I can say this is not for the weak. I am still angry. What I am finding is there are many layers of anger from childhood, so i will share from yesterday. I sit on the beach with those people I am angry at all sitting in front of me. We are all hanging onto a rope, one by one, including my husbands affair partner, saying they are sorry to me. His affair partner said I was abandoned when I was young and people hurt me, I am a thief. I stole your husband. I took from you something that didn't belong to me. I have many issues of my own. God cut the rope and walked with her and others down the beach and said I have lessons to teach each one. Let them go with me.....wow talk about letting go..now you can do your own, on the beach or mountains. In your mind, sit everybody who has harmed you, in front of you, and feel the love and compassion, and cut the rope, even though you might want to take it back from time to time. Just keep cutting the rope, to walk with the higher power. Hope this helps others as i did me.

My husband does not finish

My husband does not finish well. He goes through the motions, showed up for the online meetings, read the materials, but do I see evidence over the years of it sinking in? He did enough to make a good showing and "get by." What if a spouse stops the behavior that led to the infidelity but does not stop other hurtful behaviors - keeps life SO chaotic that there's no time to focus on healing and changing? I don't think he'd be foolish enough to cheat again, but change has been scant. I've reread the portions of the manual on relapse and see that, if a spouse returns to the "pre-contemplative stage" after relapse, you may think about leaving the marriage - but, back then, I was in too much pain to understand that point and the implications of what it meant. I still won't leave my marriage as the Lord is not on MY time frame but it does show me that I must work on myself in a healthy (not selfish or self-serving) way. Is it possible to restart healing & growth even years after infidelity has happened?

I can forgive the adultery.

I can forgive the adultery. I now wonder if he is stringing me along so I won't divorce him now. It would be harder to forgive that. He says that he has stopped the sexual aspect of the relationship, but not the emotional. I am sorry that I vacillate - we can work this out to he's not interested in working this out to I don't want to have a spouse that puts his wants higher that God's righteous ways. Please pray for God's wisdom, strength, peace and direction. Thank you.

Its been 1 year and 5 months

Its been 1 year and 5 months and I still shed a tear everyday from triggers and heartache. The story you posted is the one thing that keeps me hanging on. I think about our first date all the reasons I fell in love with the man of my dreams. I thank God everyday for the blessings he has shared with me. If it was not for my love for God and him loving me I not sure where my mind, heart and soul would be. When I found out about my husband affair I was devastated, in disbelief I thought we had it all. We were a very outgoing couple. Communicated well had a very good life, lots of close friends. But through therapy found we communicated well but we didn't understand the communication. My story is long and painful but the short story is, we are trying sooo hard to repair and start fresh a new beginning and yes it does take time and time does heal wounds even if the scar remains. And wounds don't heal if you keep removing the bandage and looking at it. The day I found out my husband stopped the relationship immediately and is so remorseful and took responsibility, and has shown me his love for me. there are things that I don't understand, and him either. I need those magic eyes daily and do pray and thank the Lord everyday for forgiveness, his love, understanding, strength, and faith that he will show me the way and that I will fall in love again with my husband because I know when that happens we will have true love and that we are meant to be together forever.

compassion

I can find it easy to feel compassion for someone who in a moment of weakness fell victim to adultery. But when the affair lasted 2 1/2 years and I was told that he continued to do what he knew was wrong because it was fun, easy, and he liked what he was doing, the compassion faded. Also, when I begged and pleaded for him to work on our relationship (during the affair) because I was so unhappy in our marriage, he ignored me. After revelation, when I asked why he hadn't responded to my pleas, he replied that the affair was so new(even at 9 mos) and exciting he didn't want to give it up! So please, where do I find this compassion?

I don't know where to find

I don't know where to find it, either. Your husband's response seems similar to my husband's. For me, his affair lasted 5-6 years (he still won't give me an exact start date -- which makes me think it might have lasted even longer). I know the woman, and I believe him that it wasn't emotional. But I had no idea. When I did start to suspect, and even outright asked him if he was having an affair, he denied it and continued it despite seeing my visible anxiety every single day. I had to confront him with proof, and even then it took 1 1/2 years for the whole (well, the significant parts, anyway) truth to come our -- and that was by my digging, not by his confessing. And it took 2 years to see any kind of real remorse. For various reasons, I still think I would be happier married to him than divorced from him, so I'm trying. But it's so difficult.

What happens when you are the

What happens when you are the Hilda of the story- soft and warm but you are NOT the one who cheats? What happens when it's the Fouke- the upright and stand-offish one who does the cheating? Any insight there? Because I have been a good, loving, warm, faithful wife. I'm not just saying that. I really have looked inside myself and searched my heart on this. And the thing that really bends my mind, my husband and I always spent so much time together and yet he found time to become addicted to porn (done at night while I was alseep or during the daytimes during a period of unemployment) and act out on a Saturday afternoon two weeks after I gave birth.

14 year affair with two children while I homeschooled our three.

6 years now after DDAY ....still living at home ...no contact with OW but parents those children...sleeping in separate rooms.. .Husband is numb....just had our 33rd anniversary.

He was an adrenalin junkie who was an over achiever,,,success was not enough and 'normal' living was too 'boring' ....Neither wanted to marry ..she wanted to be a single mom by 'choice' ...we are in financial ruin ....

Sin even forgiven has consequences....sad every day ...I work in the marriage, pray and obey the Lord to forgive...My husband lives like a 'single man' but 'cares' for all of us.

Til death do us part....even as this does not look like it will change any time soon...

Adult children

After an EMS weekend I have begun to believe that I can reconcile with my husband, the betrayer. I love him and always have for 35 years. We are slowly moving back into each others lives, talking, healing, reconnecting, etc. My adult children can not accept my forgiving their father for his betrayal. They are so afraid that he will hurt me again. They watched and experienced first hand the pain and heartache he created in their lives. They feel that he has ":just gotten away with it" and has been forgiven too easily. I am afraid if I share their feelings with my husband it will hurt his relationship with our children. How should I handle this situation? Do I let time work things out and avoid the "family time" for the present time? Do I discuss it with my husband? Do I let him discover their feelings on his own? I need direction.

What type of affair was it?

Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action.
Take the Affair Analyzer