This really hit home!! Judging others is often what we do to make ourselves feel better. This world would be such a better place if we could learn to not judge others. I often will accuse my husband of not showing emotions, etc. I blame him on occasion as well. I really have to take a good, hard look at myself. Possibly I am the one with the weakness. It has been 3 1/2 years since our affairs and I am still moving forward. Thanks for all your advice, I really look forward to reading your newsletter each week.

When I first found out about my husband's affair(s), I kept telling God about this sin or that sin. Whenever, I would tell God about his self righteousness, God would say what about your's? Pride? What about your pride? I soon realized I wasn't going to get God's cooperation on this. Does that mean I was responsible for his ongoing lust, deception, lack of gratefulness.... Absolutely not! What was wrong was that I was coming to God on a judgemental basis rather than one of wanting to see him delivered for his sake, the sake of our marriage, and the sake of the kingdom. I still see many of the same sins, but I take them to prayer in a different manner. Having said that, I can see why your post would be upsetting to the betrayed. I found it a little unsettling, and I hardly ever do this anymore.

I think it's important to recognize that doing what you're supposed to do eg; being compassionate, taking emotional care of your spouse, allowing them to care for you, honesty, trustworthiness, having integrity, not cheating, recognizing when you need help (like from a therapist) and seeking it, being self-aware, not being defensive, the list goes on and on.....those things are not part of restitution. Just because you now decide to do what you should have done all along, things that, in doing, could have/would have prevented one from being unfaithful in the first place, are just what they are...how you're supposed to be....there are no bonus points or pats on the head or back for doing the things you should have done all along. Restitution, I feel, has more to do with tolerance while the offended spouse gets through the damage they've been caused....not to the point of having the offender become abused. I mean in a sense of patience, empathy, understanding and teamwork. Can you go more into what realistic expectations a offended spouse should have in the way of restitution?

I kind of agree that I was looking for something clear cut. I guess that the whole situation is not clear cut. However, if there is no remorse, recognition or they do not feel responsible then why should I feel any guilt at this point. I keep saying I am still here and I wonder why. He sees the woman around town and tells me about it by saying I saw your friend today. He thinks it is funny. He has refused to go to counseling or anything. I can't even get him to go to church. At my wits end and wish I had left when I had the strength.

What I hear Rick saying is that in spite of how deeply our significant other has hurt us, the true healing happens first with us. Meaning that I feel peace and freedom when I am being somebody that I feel good about. I am not a victim to other peoples behavior. I am empowered by knowing that I can respond peacefully to conflict and hurt and still take care of myself. I am not responsible for their behavior, but I am responsible for mine. When I acknowledge the hurt that someone else can inflict, I therefor also know my own power to hurt and can choose whether or not I continue to participate in hurting myself or others through acknowledging the power that I have, knowing my part, and how to not continue to participate in the lie.

I sent this article to my husband and asked him to prayerfully read it. I said that we BOTH have things to own and work on. We seem to be stuck with his not being able to talk about what happened to break the Trust in our marriage. His affairs were just part of the trust breakdown. We had been separated for three years before his first affair. (That I know of) I am praying that GOD will help us deal with the lenghty and painful process of openly confessing and healing from BOTH of our pain .

I see the comments on here where I can see a lot of you are still in pain, it takes a long time and being a few years in I can relate. To me this article is not saying things are your fault, and in no way is it saying to stay in a relationship that is not safe or show no signs of change. This is a lesson I learned on my own through time that the healing process goes through emotions where you become very critical of each other, and sometimes you are right about your spouse, but at what cost and are you truly better in that moment? Maybe I'm right about this fault of theirs, but what faults of mine does he not have that I unknowingly use to push him away as well? This lesson over the past 18 months allowed me to communicate with my husband more effectively, focusing on what I needed from him, rather than just making him feel attacked or letting my emotions take over. My changes to become a better person inspired him to want to be better and to see my accountability to our success as a couple. This process helped me develop a new understanding from his perspective. I learned to understand how he felt like a failure because of his mistakes and faults, and by me working on my faults I realized its a long process to change ourselves so his changes would take time too. I Recovery is a journey with more than one turn, some places you walk it with your spouse and some you travel on your own to self reflect and grow even as the hurt spouse. Hang in there, only time will tell if you will make it together...but in the meantime learn and grow for yourself and either way you still get to move forward as a person.

I am approaching that year anniversary when I was told about the affairs. What came out of her mouth at first was that I caused her infidelities. It took me about 10 months of feeling depressed and anxious that I could not change enough to keep her from a fourth affair. I saw her complete the 5 Rs outlined above and believe she has made changes to keep her away from another affair. What got me out of my depression though was the full knowledge that I did not cause her infidelity.

After finding proof that my husband has had continued contact with his af parters...its clear he is not safe. he has not confessed it...he has had 7 months to confess it. while he isnt a loss cause i know i must remove myself from our home. i also realize our relationship mimicks the relationship i had with my mother. she was pysically, mental and emotionally abusive...days and sometimes weeks of ignoring me as a child....over 30 years later i am with someone who can be the sweetest and kindest person yet ignore and stonewall...he has not dealt with his past issues and has brought that same behavior or lying, keeping secrets and being unfaithful into the relationship. I have admitted my wrongdoings because none of us is perfect but i know I will have to do what I did with my mother...while I love them both I have to love at a distance and detach....i think my mom has finally dealt with her issues....not sure when my spouse will but I can't wait around while he continues the behavior. I found out last year that his dad cheated on his mother, his brother has been unfaithful to his wife as well....its all unspoken and denial. Thats not how I want to live.