Forgiving Infidelity: What Forgiveness Is NOT Defining forgiveness is difficult at best, especially when it comes to forgiving something as tragic as infidelity. Instead of looking at it from the perspective of what it is I thought it might be useful to define what it is NOT. As you read through the list below, keep in mind, forgiveness is a process. If you’ve not been able to maintain the perspective or standards described below, that’s OK. Don’t be too hard on yourself or expect too much of yourself. In recovery, we encourage both individuals and couples to focus on good strong progress not perfection. Also, if you’re early on in the recovery process, please use these principles as guide posts to pursue as you may not be there yet, and that’s OK. Forgiveness, or forgiving infidelity, is NOT based on the other person’s contrition, sorrow or repentance: While reconciliation may be based on another’s contrition, sorrow or repentance, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself which sets you free from the hurtful actions of others. It has little to do with the other person because it’s an internal matter. It is an act that releases that person’s hold on you for the wrongs committed against you. To choose not to forgive leaves you forever a victim. Forgiveness takes the power back and creates momentum for your own recovery. Forgiveness does NOT mean reconciliation: It is possible to forgive someone and release the resentment and bitterness you have toward them without reconciling. While forgiveness in marriage after infidelity is not based on the other person’s repentance, reconciliation IS most definitely based on their empathy, sorrow, repentance and their ability to be safe. If the person who wounded you does not take personal responsibility for what they’ve done, is not willing to make restitution, and won’t take steps to assure it doesn’t happen again, then reconciliation may not even be wise. Forgiveness in marriage after betrayal is NOT forgetting: It would be “Divine” if we were capable of forgetting, but I’m not sure it would be safe. As humans we forgive, but the reminders of what happened remain. To pretend the offense never occurred would minimize the gift of forgiveness. The intrusion of past offenses into our present day reality does not mean we haven’t forgiven. Rather, as humans we tend to forgive and remember. With forgiveness after infidelity there is no longer a need to punish or to extract payment from that person for their offenses against others or us. Forgiveness allows us to leave the wounds of our past and move forward, but we do so with lessons learned from our past. Forgiveness after an affair is NOT condoning or making light of their behavior: If it were possible to just excuse what the other person had done, there would be no need for forgiveness. To forgive someone his or her wrongs against you in no way minimizes the magnitude of the offense. The very fact that forgiving infidelity is necessary accentuates the reality that an injury occurred. If the party that injured us fails to see the seriousness of the offense then we feel trivialized and unimportant. Forgiveness is NOT ignoring what happened: Far too often people want to skip over the injuries perpetrated against them to avoid looking at the damage. Pretending an offense never occurred places seeds of bitterness in fertile soil. Not until we’ve explored the true and palatable cost can we forgive the debt that is incurred. Forgiveness is NOT a one-time event, especially when it comes to forgiving infidelity: Frequently people will think something’s wrong because they continue to struggle with the betrayal committed by their mate. While we may choose to forgive, the consequences of those actions can continue to rock our lives. Each time an additional consequence occurs it also has to be released. Each time you understand more of what happened you still have to deal with the pain of that consequence regardless of whether you forgave them for their actions. Each time an intrusive thought robs your peace it becomes another consequence to deal with and release. The shock waves created by infidelity can continue to roll through time for a number of years, though the amount and intensity will lesson as you heal. Each additional consequence has to be released or resentment and bitterness could take hold. Continuing forgiveness is key to healing after an affair. Forgiveness does NOT mean permission to go and do the same thing over and over: If someone were to view forgiveness as permission to repeat the same hurtful actions then that individual isn’t safe for a relationship. They would be someone who takes no responsibility for their actions. Additionally, if a person’s motivation for not repeating an offense is based on your lack of forgiveness, you are put in the place of having to take personal responsibility for their behavior and safety in the relationship for the remainder of the relationship. It's impossible for forgiveness to occur if the extramarital relationship hasn’t ended completely. If you were a merchant and a customer ran up a debt that you chose to write off, it would be impossible to write that debt off if the customer continued to rack up debt despite your efforts. It would be impossible to determine what it would take to write it off. I hope exploring what forgiveness is NOT, has helped to clarify questions you might have about both what forgiving infidelity is and how to forgive. Betrayal is something others do to you, but bitterness is something you do to yourself. For the sake of healing, I hope that a better understanding of forgiveness allows you the opportunity for personal freedom. It’s important to remember however, that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation and that it is a process that takes time. While I have a personal bias toward reconciliation I recognize it’s dependent on the actions and attitudes of both parties. If you're interested in exploring whether reconciliation is even possible, consider attending our in-person EMS Weekend. It will help both of you, better understand what it will take to reconcile and move forward as an individual or as a couple regardless of the state of your marriage. Before you make decisions that will mostly likely change you and your family’s history, please give some thought to finding clarity and peace in your story first. Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: How to ForgiveSafety in RecoveryWhy Marriages FailRL_Media Type: Text
