Help With Incessant Triggers and Reminders

Are you at a place where you can't seem to get away from the constant triggers and reminders of the affair? Are intrusive thoughts keeping you from sleep, work, or being able to function?

Did you know that in the early weeks following discovery, it is quite possible for the betrayed spouse to have several hundred of these a day? Will it ever get better? Will they lessen in frequency? Wayward spouses, does it seem that your mate can't do anything else but think about the affair and ask questions?

Even though I am extremely pragmatic by nature, I found myself needing many concepts simply and basically explained to me during my recovery from infidelity. Now that I am a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and a member of Affair Recovery's Emergency Marriage Seminar (EMS) Weekend Specialist team, I must admit I made a LOT of mistakes in the process.

I am going to begin by giving you the bad news. At first, there isn't much we can do to stop the incessant reminders and thoughts. We simply have to fight through them. I'm going to go so far as to suggest we embrace them for what they are. If you are betrayed and this is happening, know it is painful, but it is also normal. The thing you need to hear over and over is that it is your way of comprehending what has happened and processing the loss. You are most likely and certainly not crazy!

Like an unwelcome guest or a solicitor who rings your doorbell at the wrong time, triggers, intrusive thoughts, and reminders can be like that. If you are the wayward spouse, you need to hear this: There is very little you can do to help your injured mate other than trying to understand this is ALL they see, hear, eat, and breathe for a time.

In one of my small groups recently, a betrayed partner said, "Never be afraid of poking the bear. The bear is with me at all times right now, day and night."

When an affair is discovered, it is going to change everything that we know. Think of when you get a new car. Suddenly, on the highway, you notice the same make, model, and color everywhere. This shows us how our brain works. We aren't aware until we are suddenly and acutely aware.

Triggers ARE largely unconscious...they just happen. Without warning. It's the ONLY way your betrayed spouse has to feel safe. Think of how we were even formed as humans in the womb. We literally develop from the bottom up. We get a heart before we get a brain. We get a brain before we get fingernails.

Our bodies have an incredible capacity for survival, and we tend to be amazingly efficient in getting rid of whatever we don't need. I used to work with people suffering from eating disorders and anorexia. As someone loses weight, they are not only starving, but they are also trying to survive without enough nutrition. Hair loss. The body doesn't need it. Menstrual cycle. The body doesn't need it. Sluggish thinking/brain capacity. The body doesn't need it. The body determines that it must focus on keeping the heart pumping and alive.

The triggers our bodies are constantly processing following betrayal are very distressing. The grief of losing what we thought we had with our mate is also traumatizing. While we might be upset with our mate, their very existence is a tangible reminder that we are living in a nightmare. They are part of the process, and believe it or not, help us define reality. The magnitude of what has happened to the relationship is great, but not having the triggers after infidelity would be like not having memories after losing a loved one.

Here is where we get it wrong (and I certainly did myself as well). Wayward spouses tend to underestimate the amount of triggers a betrayed spouse has. They often fail to acknowledge the triggers when they happen, which further sends a message to our mate that we don't get it.

Wayward partners underestimate how long (meaning months or years after discovery) that a betrayed spouse will have a steady stream of reminders. Sometimes it has only been a few months in and a wayward partner expresses genuine surprise that their mate is still having them. While the frequency of triggers should start to lesson over time, they are still there.

Betrayed spouses...please know that wayward spouses also struggle with triggers and reminders. While they may be working to discover why and how they strayed, they are also processing tangible triggers of what they have done. They do not feel good about themselves and are sorting through a lot of emotions.

Here's what we can do:

1. Lean in. Notice how many triggers you had today.
2. Acknowledge the triggers are constant and ask if they would like to set aside a time to talk about them. It is important to try to allow only one person to be in distress at a time.
3. Accept the reality of the reminders and realize that if they are intrusive to the point of not allowing you to function at all, it is okay to ask for help.

We want to figure out how to move through this without getting stuck. Affair Recovery's Emergency Marital Seminar programs are designed to get you moving in the right direction. EMS Weekend in-person will jump start your recovery and help you cover more ground faster. This transformative weekend is also available in Virtual form to prevent the need for travel and allow you to absorb the life changing material in the comfort of your own home. Finally, EMS Online is a 13 week online course with a small group. If you're new here and not sure where to start, the Free 7 Day First Steps Bootcamp for Surviving Infidelity will give you the fundamentals you need today and prime you to participate in any of our courses when you're ready.