Who is the Other Woman?
Disclaimer: This may be a difficult article for some of you to read. Before reading, take a moment to consider how far along you are in recovery. Those who are newer to recovery will not be able to process the information in this article from an objective perspective. The information is important to understand, but the last thing we want to do is to cause unnecessary pain. Our suggestion is to wait until you are further along in recovery so you will be able to truly absorb all the article has to say. For those of you in this position, we suggest reading instead our 6-part "How Could You?" Series.
Who is the other woman? Who is the other man?
Is she a home wrecker, a floozy, a bimbo? Is he a bad boy, a tough guy or a brainiac?
Is he or she someone to be hated or pitied?
And... why would I even want to know the answers to these questions?
The answer to that question can profoundly influence your ability to release what's happened and move on to a new life. Many run from this question. I hope you won't run but will be courageous and have this painful but meaningful conversation.
Please note: Due to Affair Recovery demographics, I am writing this article as though the man had the affair and was involved with another woman. If I were to write this article as though the woman had the affair and was involved with another man, different dynamics would come into play. I sincerely hope that our betrayed males will be able to see parallels to their own story and derive helpful insight as well.
There is never a good excuse for what the other woman (the affair partner) has done. However, remaining forever tied to the other woman as a result of unforgiveness leaves the betrayed spouse anchored to the past and creates the opportunity for all parties involved to remain stuck. Typically, moving forward, either as a couple or as an individual, requires you to shift to a realistic understanding of who she is.
Usually, the unfaithful spouse needs to stop overvaluing the other woman, and the betrayed spouse needs to stop devaluing the other woman.
Hopefully, exploring who they are will enable both the hurt and the unfaithful spouse to release and move forward in freedom. Labeling the other woman as a tramp (or other expletive) may prevent your betrayed spouse from ever moving forward. In reality, there's a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us. Failure to see more than just the negative aspects can block your ability to set yourself free from their hurtful actions. Seeing the other woman as human doesn't excuse what she's done, but it does help you gain a clearer picture of reality, which will in turn prepare for you a pathway to forgiveness.
Join others who have been betrayed and find freedom from the hurt with our online, anonymous course.
Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself to set yourself free. It's not for the sake of the unfaithful spouse nor does it have anything to do with being around the other woman. Forgiveness can free you from losing your peace of mind whenever you are reminded of the pain and hurt.
Our experience shows that a major barrier to recovery for the betrayed spouse is an unrealistic view of the other woman. While incredibly challenging, the wife needs to develop a fuller understanding of the affair partner as a human being if she wants to fully recover.
For married men in an affair with a married woman, the affair can be more of a diversion, while for the married woman, it can become their life. This woman is usually married and looking for traits that are missing in her husband. Married men in affairs with single women are likely to view the relationship as entertainment or a distraction. Single women, on the other hand may view the affair as a pathway to the life they want. Little do they realize, the odds are not in their favor. Jan Halper's survey of over 4,100 prominent men revealed that 85% of those who cheated returned home to their families, and only 3% of those who got divorced and maintained their affair relationship, got married to that person.1
The following list briefly explains a few of the most common types of affair partners. Remember betrayed women, these are generalizations with the intent of humanizing the other woman so that you can eventually find peace and healing.
The Rebound Affair
In rebound affairs, the script gets flipped. The betrayed spouse goes out and has an affair in response. Many of you reading this are righteously indignant feeling you would never be the “other woman” in an affair. You may be right, but a large number of the affairs we treat are the result of rebound affairs. One potential consequence suffered by the betrayed spouse is the devastation of the significance of their marriage vows. Pain that's not transformed will be transmitted, and in an attempt to make their mate feel their pain, they betray themselves and indulge in the same behavior as their mate. In an attempt to get back at their mate, these betrayed spouses suddenly find themselves as the “other woman.” That means the other woman you are facing may have started out as a betrayed spouse similar to you, only she couldn't stand the pain and acted drastically. Many who've been betrayed are tempted, but strong morals and values, as well as their commitment to the marriage, prevent them from taking this course. Tragically, those who give in not only prolong their own pain, but also transmit their pain to their mate and to another woman as well.
The Married Other Woman
While this may be stereotypical, the "married other woman" has often become disillusioned with her mate and connects with someone she believes can supply the happiness her mate has failed to deliver. These women have typically watched their marriage fade away for years and feel completely detached from their husband as a result of years of neglect. Again, this does not justify their actions, but you can see how no longer valuing their own marriage would make it easy to push their guilt away enough to begin an affair.
The Abuse Reactive Other Woman
At times, the other woman is a person who was abused growing up. This person is motivated by identity wounds created by that abuse. Seeing themselves as damaged may create a desire to reinforce that belief by acting out in ways that degrade themselves and others. Frequently, the only way they can feel loved is when they act out sexually. Their desperation to feel loved drives them into an affair. Again, this in no way justifies what they've done.
Years ago, I had a woman come in who fit this category. When I asked what I could do for her, she responded, "I've had sex with over 250 men, but that's not why I'm here. I'm here because I've never had an orgasm."
"Why did you have sex with all those men?" I asked.
"Because that moment when we're sexual is the only time I ever feel loved." Our sessions together revealed extreme sexual abuse by her father from age six to twelve. The abuse destroyed the inhibitors that should have prevented her from acting out with other men. Once again, pain that's addressed and not transformed will be transmitted.
The Abuse Reactive Other Woman often emerges from dysfunctional families even where sexual abuse did not occur. Sometimes it stems from excessive sexual activity as a teenager. If a woman sees her mother disrespected or abused by her father, the child may see her mother as weak and pathetic. This may lead her to become the Liberated Other Woman (description below), never wanting to depend on a man the way her mother depended on her abusive father.
The same is true of a woman who was 'spousified' by her father. As a child, her father shared his pain, success, and frustrations with his daughter rather than his wife. It may not be sexual, but it is emotional incest. As a result, she lived in a triangle, feeling sorry for her dad because of how her mom was treating him. She failed to see that her mom's reactions were the result of her father's neglect because the information shared was one-sided. Once grown, this woman is susceptible to repeating that same triangle with a married man. In her mind, she competes with the wife, despising her for the way she believes the wife is treating the husband. Little does she know, the husband, like her father, is distorting who their mate really is. Living in the triangle feels normal to them.
The Subordinate Other Woman
Frequently, this younger woman falls for an older man, often at the workplace. The distinction of this woman is the power differential between herself and the married spouse. The attention paid by someone she respects and the allure of getting ahead allows her to justify the affair. Once the affair begins, this person believes their affair partner when they say they are going to leave their spouse to begin a life with the younger woman. That belief can keep them hanging on for years as they wait. While this person may be naïve, they are certainly not a victim, but neither is the married man who is using them.
The Desperate Other Woman
This woman is someone who's willing to settle for scraps. She has such low self-esteem, she is willing to take whatever time she can get. She's available at his beck and call, but when demands are placed on him, she rarely warrants a response. Fear of losing the relationship keeps her hanging on, especially since she has no real sense of self.
The Liberated Other Woman
This career-minded woman enjoys her freedom and wants relationships with no strings attached. She typically has affairs with married men she feels comfortable with. If one of her partners begins to get attached, she will quickly send him packing, at times leaving the married spouse feeling rejected and acting like a lovesick puppy. This woman probably has no real relationships, and thus cannot wrap her mind around the effects of her actions.
The Conned Other Woman
There are some women who've been conned by the married man. In these cases, the woman has no clue that the man is married. When she finally finds out, it's devastating for her. The length of the relationship and the depth of the bond determine how devastating the loss of the relationship. Generally, these women feel they've been made the fool.
The last three categories are adapted from Shirley Glass' book "Not Just Friends". 2
The Antagonist Other Woman
This woman betrays other women by stealing their husbands. She views other women as rivals and feels no need for loyalty to or identification with her own gender. She does not regard herself as a "sister" to other women. She seldom has other women as friends and leans on men to enhance her fragile ego and gratify her emotional needs.
The Escapist Other Woman
To deny the existence of his wife and family, the escapist affair partner puts the marriage out of mind and out of sight. She never asks questions about his other life. She doesn't consider any repercussions from their illicit affair because the time she spends with her beau is an escape into an alternate reality.
The Family Counselor Other Woman
Assuming the role of family therapist is another way to assuage guilt. The other woman offers insights to improve her suitor's communication with his children and to help him understand his wife's point of view. Acting partly out of real concern and partly out of self-preservation, she tries to make things better. Laurel Richardson says that the single woman affair partner does "feminist social work among the married."3 As a result, the affair partner perceives herself as a good person who makes positive contributions to her partner's family life.
Moving On
If you've made it this far, let me reiterate that I'm in no way trying to excuse the other woman. I'm also not saying you have to change a thing in how you view the other woman. I am suggesting you might want to consider the possibility that the situation isn't as black and white as you may think. My hope for all of you is to get free from the marrow-sucking, life-robbing crisis of infidelity. I believe one way that goal is accomplished is by expanding our understanding of those around us and hopefully coming to a point where we can set ourselves free by finding compassion in our hearts for those who have so gravely wounded us. I would grieve if the hurtful actions of others rob you of your humanity.
Finally, one of three things will occur with great suffering:
- You will go insane
- You will become forever bitter and resentful
- You will learn to love greatly and have great compassion.
The road to the third outcome isn't easy, but it's a goal well worth pursuing. For the sake of others remember: pain that's not transformed will be transmitted. Have the courage to allow your pain to be transformed for your sake and for the sake of those who love you.
If you are still having trouble with the idea of pain leading you to love greatly, you are not alone. It seems backwards, and I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't experienced it myself. The trick is having community to walk with you through the process. If you'd like to see if it's truly possible to be free again, consider our upcoming EMS Weekend where we not only seek to help couples transform their pain, but also find new life individually as well as maritally.
What type of affair was it?
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Comments
I have read your newsletters…
I have read your newsletters religiously ever since my partner’s multiple affairs came to light 5 years ago. I’ve noticed that the type of affairs my significant other had are never really listed in your newsletters, which means I can’t really place the betrayal or ’the other women’ in my mind.
Just to clarify, my partner cheated on me for many years with so-called ’sugar babies’. These young ladies were essentially prostitutes but some kind of a legal version of it, exchanging sex for gifts and money.
Given the popularity of sugar baby websites, it would mean a lot to me (and probably many other betrayed women out there) if you could apply an analytical lens to those types of affairs. Just to give you a little more background, apparently there were at least 15 of them (or that is how many he has admitted to) but apparently they “didn’t mean anything” “it was just sex” etc. He had a burner phone, he would see them when he was ‘working’ on the weekend, and almost every day after work, when he was “working late”. I actually caught him with one of them, otherwise I would never have known, because I trusted him 100% and never suspected anything. It’s been 5 years and it is still a daily struggle
Patricia, that sounds like…
In reply to I have read your newsletters… by Patricia H.
Patricia, that sounds like it could be an underlying sex addiction, which is one of the affair types we discuss at AR. Utilizing prostitutes is common with this affair type. Regardless, healing for yourself is possible, even if you can't place your husband's affairs into a specific category. In fact, many unfaithful people fit into multiple categories. I encourage you to seek support so you can heal. Our care team would be happy to walk you through some options at [email protected] or 888-527-2367. You don't have to live the rest of your life struggling through this alone.
I see characteristics of the…
I see characteristics of the AP in several of these descriptions. My husband was her boss. She was definitely a mate poacher. She was a subordinate, married, abused, desperate and antagonistic. None of these excuse her behavior. She pursued my husband persistently until he gave in. Her husband and others told me she has had many affairs and from what my husband told me she was very experienced. I find her behavior shocking. I’ve tried to feel sorry for her but all I feel is anger and bitterness. The affair was many years ago but I can’t shake the anger at her or my husband but it’s mostly directed towards her.
That’s understandable, Amy,…
In reply to I see characteristics of the… by Amy W.
That’s understandable, Amy, and as a betrayed spouse myself, I can definitely relate. However, I want to encourage you to pursue healing for yourself. When anger festers, it leads to bitterness, which leads to resentment, and what all three have in common is that if left unchecked, they will transform you into someone you don’t want to be. For myself, I didn’t want my spouse’s affair partner to have that kind of power over me - she didn’t get to determine what kind of woman I am. Working with a therapist is a great way to process through your pain and lingering anger. And what’s more, it’s probably the best thing you can do for yourself. It certainly was for me. I also took the Harboring Hope course offered by Affair Recovery. You don’t have to spend the rest of your life held hostage by someone else’s actions.
Sounds like you're talking…
In reply to I see characteristics of the… by Amy W.
Sounds like you're talking about my wife, every time she went back to her boss, the CEO who was also married, on her on and off affair she got another promotion and raise until she eventually was a C level running the company under him. Beautiful women love to use their power over men to get what they want. They have done it since they were kids, starting with their daddy.
It's was 28 years since D1…
It's was 28 years since D1 and another 2 years since she admitted the sexual aspect of the D1 affair. Both D1 and D2 was devastating to hear. But our marriage has survived and we are happy.
The video was spot on regarding her affair. The affair partner, her boss, used all of the emotional tricks to reel my wife in.
He pounced on some perceived unhappiness issues that my wife had with our marriage. He also preyed on some assumptions that my wife had about my behavior, none of which were true.
Her boss complimented her work, her personality, her looks and leveraged himself into many of her insecurities about herself and our marriage. He told her that he loved her and she understood him far better than his wife. He told her he would leave his wife. He introduced her to his parents and son. He told co-workers.
At the end of the seasonal job he dropped my wife stone cold and he stayed with his wife. Clearly while trying to work things out with his wife he used my wife for sex and to bolster his ego. Nothing but lies.
My wife jumped at his attention. In clearly discussed conversations between them agreeing to have sex, she quickly agreed. The attention and physical aspect of their relationship was a drug for her.
After her boss dumped her she still had residual feelings for him. I would say that her affair robbed us of a year of our marriage. She was an "us" with him - they were a romantic couple. A fake, honeymoon, relationship.
It has taken a lot of patience on my part to wait for awakening. She no longer looks back on her relationship with him as a Hallmark movie.
She has been able to move on. I have struggled to move on at times due to the deep wounds that I have sustained.
But, my wife and I continue to move forward. I love her with all that I have. Each day the pain becomes more manageable. Across the 47 years together we have built many happy memories. The effort is well worth the reward.
Thanks for providing this video. It does cover the male and female differences very well.
Thank you for your…
In reply to It's was 28 years since D1… by Mr. Jan
Thank you for your encouraging feedback. It is much appreciated. I’m so glad you found the article and video helpful.
This was very good. It…
This was very good. It helped remind me that the affair partner is a human being with issues.
Why am I obsessed with this…
Why am I obsessed with this other woman I have never even met? I hate to admit it, but I hate her. She helped my husband be the worst version of himself. She contributed to this pain and agony. It's been 18 months, and by the grace of God, my husband and I reconciling and healing. Is my hate, anger, and unforgiveness towards her really just misplaced? Is it really towards him and she's just the easier one to hate?
It’s hard to know where our…
In reply to Why am I obsessed with this… by Anonymous
It’s hard to know where our anger comes from when there are so many things to be angry about. I applaud your curiosity! That’s a great mindset to have when pursuing recovery. In our experience, hate and unforgiveness go hand in hand, and hanging onto unforgiveness will stunt your recovery and keep you trapped. Forgiveness is for you, for your best good, for your heart. It has very little to do with the other person. Forgiveness is also a process, not a “one and done” statement.
Our Recovery Library has a lot to say about forgiveness. I encourage you to devote some time to further education so you can start down a path that leads to healing and wholeness.
Can you do a similar video…
Can you do a similar video for the other man (for when the wife acted out)?
I read this article and I could pinpoint where my wife is on the list if i were to look through the affair partner's wife eyes (his wife). But i find it difficult to understand him. My wife knew he had another affair at work and the whole team knew about him. Still she fell for him practically making him betray his affair partner and his wife. As i moved through healing i could reduce how superior i thought he was compared to me but a video in this direction would be helpful for me.
Thank you so much for your…
In reply to Can you do a similar video… by Someone who was hurt
Thank you so much for your suggestion. I will be sure to pass it on!
Very disappointed that the…
Very disappointed that the article, as seems so typical, is again written from the perspective of men who cheat on their wives and had nothing for betrayed men. To have a similar article focused on the cheating wife would be valuable as we are left with little real substance written for hurt men. Help is needed for those of us in pain for betrayed and recovering husbands.
I 100% agree with you and…
In reply to Very disappointed that the… by Just John
I 100% agree with you and after 29 years of marriage I was betrayed by my wife and one of my best mates that I went to school with. Im still wanting to put him in the ground and find it so difficult to get over the double back stabbing. Another school friend recently passed and I couldn't go to the funeral as he was present, which would have meant an extra funeral, so I stayed away and didn't like the idea of him being anywhere near my wife. It was an 8 month affair, which took me 2.5 years to finally (i think) be told the truth. Trickle fed truth. If I had known I would have walked. But I am still with her and struggle every day not to have some horrible tormented recall of their sexual encounter and forgiveness is extremely difficult. Trust is still an issue for me and believing her is hard even though I can track her. He is in another state now after having a nervous breakdown and believe it or not both of them have made a heart attack since. I dont know what to make of that. Call it karma maybe. But still that isnt enough for him. Ill hate this guy till I die. To not go to my friends funeral made me look like a no hoping useless idiot. Ashamed and embarrassed I have not been in contact with any friends since. I csn just imagine what was said after the funeral. Ive lost more than my marriage, my friends my respect, my self worth I cant talk to anyone about it. After 4.5 years now im lost wondering if I will ever be me again. I was a happy loving decent person. Now I dont do much at all. Nothing has helped. It was all for nothing. I do have 2 adult kids that I love, but they dont know the truth or see my pain. Anything that would help would be good to learn, know hear or witness. I have lost motivation and the chance of having the life I wanted was violated and stolen from me by 2 so-called best friends.
I’m so sorry for your pain,…
In reply to I 100% agree with you and… by Mark Wallace
I’m so sorry for your pain, Mark. While we would never condone violence, I understand the sentiment. It’s hard to imagine a deeper sense of rage than what is felt after betrayal. What we often fail to notice in the moment, is how that anger is transforming us into a person we never intended to be. It’s important to express our anger in healthy, non destructive ways so that it doesn’t consume us and set all our relationships (such as with kids, parents, siblings, etc.) on fire.
As I mentioned to John above, Harboring Hope is a great place to work through the pain and anger, and the curriculum is co-authored by a man who understands what you’re going through. You don’t have to stay in a place of unfettered rage and unfulfillment.
Thank you for sharing your…
In reply to Very disappointed that the… by Just John
Thank you for sharing your perspective, John. Betrayed men are woefully underrepresented and I will certainly pass your suggestion along to the appropriate team. In the meantime, I highly encourage Harboring Hope, our course for betrayed spouses. It was written by two clinicians who were themselves betrayed, one of whom is male. The dual perspective offered was invaluable to me when I was navigating the aftermath of my spouse’s infidelity.
Amen, Im convinced women…
In reply to Very disappointed that the… by Just John
Amen, Im convinced women cheat more than men but its always about the man cheating because women socialize and get help outside and men dont. We need more of the opposite. Why am I convinced? because it is much easier for a woman to do it, they are in control of the relationship, and they are better at keeping secrets in the closet and when they tell their friends and family, they support them and feel bad for them and blame the guy for them cheating.
I have explained "the why" ,…
I have explained "the why" , and still my wife or now doesn't agree with the why. She has divorced me, and now she wants to try with our relationship again. For many months now she has dated and brought in another man into the house I built for her. She has fallen out of several relationships and now she says that she really wants to try US again, but she is still very stuck on A why, and still wants an explanation for the affair I had. I tell her that I shouldn't have to explain the affair anymore, when now she has had new relationships.
Since discovery, Im going to counseling and I have not been in any relationships.
Should I have to aknowledge the affair?
Yes, she needs to know your…
In reply to I have explained "the why" ,… by Frank R
Yes, she needs to know your why and know what you are doing to make sure your why is dealt with so she can feel safe with you again. Her dating does not excuse you from having to hash out the details of your affair. You were divorced and she had every right to date. Reconciliation takes hard work. She will ask the same questions over and over and you will have to answer them. I strongly recommend the EMSO program here at Affair Recovery. It was instrumental in saving our marriage. Also if she doesn’t have an individual counselor, she should get one to help deal with the PTSD.
They can fall into more than…
They can fall into more than one category, right? My husband's affair partner matches at least 5 of these.
I'm sure they can and do. My…
In reply to They can fall into more than… by bisongirl74
I'm sure they can and do. My wife, being the one who cheated, matches two of these.
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