Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Does Time Heal All Wounds? Healing After An Affair

The easiest–and cheapest–way to start on this journey is to take our free First Steps Bootcamp. It's an online guide with 100+ pages of content and a full-length video of a mentor couple who was in as big of a mess as it can get. You'll take a big sigh of relief when you have a clear plan and learn that you're neither crazy nor alone in this journey, whichever side of the infidelity you find yourself on.

Have you ever had a torn rotator cuff? It's embarrassing to admit, but I tore my rotator cuff playing on our Xbox 360 Kinect. For those of you who don't know, this is a virtual game you play on the TV. I mistakenly believed that if I carefully protected my shoulder, it would heal on its own. Four months later, I saw that my plan didn't work; I needed to have surgery.

The old saying "time heals all wounds" isn't necessarily true, especially when we're talking about healing after an affair. It's not time that heals all wounds but, rather, it's a matter of how that time is spent. Infidelity is one of those situations where doing nothing seems to make things worse.

Why Projecting Your Pain Isn't Helpful

While talking to one of our mentor couples, I asked, "In retrospect, what did you not know that you needed to know after the affair was discovered?"

The betrayed spouse first said that she wished she'd realized the affair was not about her. She said had she known this, it would've allowed her to focus on real issues rather than trying to change in order to control her mate's choices. If she didn't cause it, she said, then she had very little leverage to control the outcome.

When I asked her, "What was the least productive thing you did after discovery?" She said that it was her rage.

She told me her first response was to try to make him hurt as badly as she was hurting. She said, "I wanted to punish him rather than explore what I needed to do to move forward." She added, "Not only did it not make me feel better, but it also kept me from moving forward because I was trapped playing the role of executioner."

In retrospect, the one thing her husband could see was that getting the truth out was necessary before they could begin to heal. He said that the least productive thing he did was beat himself up with guilt and shame rather than begin to explore answers as to why he did it.

He said, "Rather than trying to discover how I'd gotten here and what I needed to do to keep from repeating my mistakes, all I could think about was myself and how badly I'd screwed up."

Now, he said he sees how beating himself up was only effective as long as he felt the pain. If he'd begun to explore what was driving his actions, he added, he could have shaved months off their recovery.

How to Work Toward Healing After an Affair

Infidelity creates a pain like almost no other in life and families. Lives hang in the balance of the choices we make upon disclosure. Mistakenly, we believe that simply letting time pass will heal all our wounds. It's what we do with the time that can create a pathway to healing, restoration and salvation. If we simply allow time to pass, alternatively, we can create a roadmap that keeps us stuck in our agony. Trust me: There is a better way to heal than simply letting time pass you by.

At Affair Recovery, it's our mission to be a safe place for even the most broken of people walking through what seems like unending hurt and sadness. To date, our restorative courses and programs have helped thousands of participants with healing after an affair. Whether you're interested in EMS Online or EMS Weekend for couples, Harboring Hope for betrayed spouses or Hope for Healing for wayward spouses, our offerings are backed by numerous testimonials, including this one:

"Harboring Hope has been the wisest choice I've made since learning about my husband's affairs and addiction. For more than six months, I tried doing it on my own. I wish I hadn't let my shame and brokenness keep me away because WOW! The Harboring Hope group was exactly what my soul needed: to be validated; a safe place to tell my story, to cry and, yes, to laugh; and know I wasn't alone. My story isn't over and yours isn't either. Join a Harboring Hope group and find hope and love!" April 2021 Harboring Hope participant.

We understand what it means to heal from something as devastating as this, and we want to help guide you during this time. I truly hope you will consider doing something for yourself by registering in one of our life-changing, research-based courses. If you're in need of insight regarding any of our programs, please send an email to info@hope-now.com.

Harboring Hope registration opens soon. Subscribe to be notified of monthly registration dates!
You don't have to do this alone. Our online course for betrayed spouses provides support, direction, and a safe place for healing. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it!

Learn More!

Hope for Healing registration is coming up! Subscribe to be notified of monthly registration dates!
This course offers community for isolation and healing for shame, and that's just the beginning.

Learn More!

EMS Online registration is just around the corner. Subscribe to be notified of monthly registration dates.
EMS Online is our online course for couples to heal after infidelity. It often sells out quickly.

"This course saved our marriage. We are closer now than we have ever been in 36 years of knowing each other."
-L., alumnus

Learn More!



RL_Media Type: 

Add New Comment:


I am the one who cheated on

I am the one who cheated on my spouse.  I believe I have a serious problem....but due to finances, I can't get any help!  I'm trying hard to read everything I can, but I know my spouse doesn't believe I'm really working at it.  It is so frustrating..... 

Shame is a killer to recovery

I’d recommend to everyone the audio book “Power of Vulnerability” by Brene Brown. It’s not cheap but a very worthwhile investment if shame is something you struggle with.

time heals all wounds

Time does help. Not time alone, but time that is taken up with the hard work of building a new life together. In the beginning, when the pain was unbearable, I wanted an answer for 'how long' it would last...when would I --- or could I ---ever feel normal again...was it possible not to either hurt or rage. I got answers such as "for as long as the affair lasted' (I despaired; I couldn't bear to feel this way for over 3 years!!) to 18 months as a magic figure for recovery. My experience is that the first year after the revelation was the most difficult because I had to live through the significant moments of that year with the knowledge that one and two and three years previous, those same birthday celebrations, family vacations, Christmas mornings were a lie; my husband had been unfaithful through each of those precious events. Eyes now open to the sham my life had been, all special memories were a brutal twist in the fresh wound and I began to dread any approaching holiday. But we were very conscious that, in that first year, despite all of the weeping and howling and gnashing of teeth, we had to create new traditions and significant moments. We changed the way we did vacations. We celebrated special days with new traditions. We took lots of photos. We crowded the year with new and good memories. The second year was easier, now that we had this buffer between the painful past and our new life together. It's been 3 years now and because we did enough that was constructive in that time, I can say that the pain of the betrayal is less and less a part of our daily lives, unlike the first 12 months. Time, filled with new love and the grueling task of forgiveness, stuffed full of deliberate efforts to change and recreate one's marriage, can heal the cruelest of wounds.


I recently (6 months ago) discovered my husband of 43 years has had a secret life for at least 35 of them. . He has done it all. .Don't have full disclosure yet. I can't even think about any milestones in my life without wondering what he was doing then and who he was with. I am in counseling with a caring therapist as is he. But most days the hope for a contented life with or without him is very low. I am 65 years old and don't have 35 years to heal. I pray continuously. I know God has me in the palm of His hand. Thanks for listening

I Am You!

I, too, am 65 years old, would have been married 45 years 10 June, but, found out 12 May that my husband has been cheating on me 2-1/2 years. She also got him into pornography and perverse sex which he described to me in step-by-step detail because I think it is disgusting. I cannot stop crying, can't eat (went from 120 pounds to 95), and, I do not have another 45 years as I definitely wasted these last 45 years. I feel no hope at all. I have 2 therapists, 1 psychiatrist, a family doctor, and a support group, but I still feel hopeless. My husband will not take any responsibility for this affair - he has no conscience or any empathy, He says it is over and "let's start over".

65 years old

I’m with you on wondering if I have enough life left for healing from my UH ‘s sex addiction. EMS is next in my arsenal in this journey to healing. After wanting revenge in any and all ways possible, I decided I would instead, spend retirement money and time going forward with healing. I do mean revenge, too. The chainsaw wasn’t off limits, fire was too easy to use in many different ways to damage anything and everything. I experienced the rage. I’m wanting healing. I’m wanting a person in myself who can be healthy and heal during my lifetime. Keep going forward for your own health and healing.

I feel like I’m in a roller coasters

My husband told me he was in a multiple affairs for 5 years he’s 40 and for the last 2 years he was with a girl 22 years old he said he’s not in love with her but they travel together he brought her in my home when I’m away with my two boys and lots more , I feel I want to bunch him every single day and he keep saying sorry and nothing about me it’s about his wrong life work pressure And travelling a lot du to his work . We are going now to couple counseling for me it’s not useful as it’s 1 hour weekly and there is no plan or set subject it’s up to us to talk about anything in present of the counsel. Most of the time to be honest I feel there is no hope to wipe this bitterness and pain I hurt a lot feel my inside collapse, I hate him and love him in the same time he’s the one who hurts me a lot and the one I love and trust he’s the first man in my life . Also I gave 2 young boys 10 and 8 can you please advice with your experience.
As I read 5 years of cheating need 5 years and more to heel .

So incredibly helpful!

As a betrayed spouse, I thank you for sharing this. I love the way you guys created the buffer. I'm not sure I would've thought of this. It's a game changer for me, for sure!

it's as if I have written

it's as if I have written this myself, however it's only been just over 2 months & still extremley raw. I'm scared I will loose my husband before we find our way as I've too much pain & questions. recovery seems like different paths for us both.


This article is so right, time heals all wounds but depends on how you use the time! your Affair Recovery website and letters helps really..Thanks and God bless your intention to help and guide people recover from broken relationships and become better at relating from their experience.

When I heard it takes around

When I heard it takes around 18 months to get through this horrible ordeal, I almost felt that I couldn't make it that long. But now close to two years later, I am very thankful and happy most of the time. There are triggers but they are becoming less and less. The first year was very hard. The relationship we have now is a healthy one. We have both spent time working on ourselves individually and as a couple. The one thing that helped me the most was leaning on God. He carried me through this ordeal and I am so thankful!

the article on time healing wounds

I am very fresh in this process.  Less than 10 weeks since my most recent discovery, however, this is one of many cheating instances we have gone through.   My partner has been cheating essentially since the day we met.     I have managed to forgive and move on each time until now.   This time the realization that he has a serious problem has hit me.  Everything I ever seen in him or believed about him has died and has to be rediscovered and rebuilt.   Some will never be the same.   Some will be better.   It is encouraging to read the posts and articles about so many people who have recovered and have better relationships.   For me, at this early stage, one of my biggest frustrations and sources of anger is his need to feel like things are ok.   They are not ok. They are far from ok.   While I desperately want to feel normal and I usually manage from day to day to act as though things are normal and to work hard at building new moments and memories,  he always manages to seem suprised and wounded when triggers occure or when I can't muster up the "feel good" "loving" attitude enough for his fragile security.   I resent that he put us here and yet I feel like it is my job to push the healing along as fast as possible so that he can feel safe and secure.    I also resent that he feels that because he is finally making an effort to learn why he does what he does that I should somehow feel miraculously better about what he has done or the lie our life now feels like to me.    

  My point in posting is to confirm that though time may heal all wounds, it is definitely what you do with the time that matters.   For those of us who have been cheated on,  it takes a LOT of time,  and a LOT of different milestones and trust building acts before we can begin to tear through the walls of anger and fear.   It is unfair to expect us to be the source of comfort and security for those who made choices to cheat in our relationships and it is unfair to expect us to maintain a constant loving spirit or sense of normalcy, no matter how much you want for us to be able to or want for us to believe in your again.   We NEED time to grieve and go through the stages of grief.   We NEED you to be strong enough to watch and feel us grieve and comfort us instead of wanting us to reassure you.   We know it takes two.  We know we have to forgive and move on.  We know we have to learn to believe in you and have faith in you.   But please please do NOT expect that to happen in the course of weeks, or even months.   We NEED To talk about it, face it, be angry about it and be sad over it, NOT to begin sweeping it under the rug days or weeks after it comes out into the open.

  We have dozens even hundreds of questions we need answered to help us come to terms and find understanding.  To know our roles and to also realize those things we never had control of.   I know that it is uncomfortable and painful to have the same discussions over and over.  I know that you cherish the good days between us and you don't want them to slip away and return to conflict and pain,  but you are chipping away at any foundation we will ever rebuild when you force our healing into overdrive just to make yourself comfortable.  When you feel warm and fuzzy that we have had a week straight of "normal" days, we may hurt inside because the source of our deepest pain feels like it is being avoided.   When you want to profess that you are a new and different person,  we most likely question the validity of that based on how willing or unwilling you have been to face what you have done.   If you are avoiding our pain,  it is very likely you are avoiding the truth about who and what you have been and that affects who you will be.   It's only logical that those things may also affect our ability to believe you will be anything different or whether we can be safe in a relationship with you or whether we must accept that your weaknesses may always require immediate comfort and or gratification from another person.   In short,  you have to build the foundation first if you want us to have faith in the security and stability of who you are.  

   I may be looking at this from the wrong perspective or maybe I am too freshly immersed in the deception and betrayal that rocked our world but I think there are others like me.  Who are weeks into the journey or even a year into the journey who feel this same frustration and sense of being caged in by our cheating spouses desperate and emotional neediness for us to heal and forget.    We read these articles that tell us rage is not the right response and that it all centers on forgiveness and we feel desperately trapped by it all.    I can not stress enough that time is of course specific to each individual but it is crucial not to rush it in those first few months to year.   Time is exactly what it is going to take.  Time and EFFORT,  not time and avoidance or time and insistance or time and pleading.   Time and EFFORT,  real proof of change, real proof of understanding.    And our needing that time does not indicate the incapacity to forgive or an unwillingness to forgive that you may want to believe it indicates.   It means we are human beings who need to grieve and that perhaps some of our cheating spouses are placing unrealistic expectations on us about how we are suppose to go about that.    And some of our spouses are being selfish in wanting to avoid the pain and the process in order to feel normal, comfortable and secure about themselves and their future.    I may be wrong but I do not believe that any amount of time will heal what has been broken when approached in that manner.



Wow! What a comment from my head & heart! Thank you for writing this, it has helped me tremendously!

Thank you

It is 12 weeks since I made the discovery that my husband has been unfaithful with prostitutes for at least 15 years of our 30 year marriage. I am shattered but trying to find in myself a way to forgive him and repair our relationship. Thank you for your sharing your own struggle - it is very close to how I feel and reading that others are on the same difficult journey and battling with similar issues is very comforting.


I am so sorry. My husband has done the same thing. I lost an entire year of my life to the shock of it all. Please know I understand and feel your pain and I am so so sorry your life has been derailed onto this path.
I wish I could help.
I just found this resource two days ago as I am still looking for healing over this selfish tragedy. I really hope you fare better than I.


You read my heart. Thank you.

Time healing wounds

Just a comment on what you said. I am sitting here still with the spouse that cheated on me after 3 years of disclosure # 1. And I can testify to the fact that if we don't work on the healing from the affair together no matter how much time goes by the hurt and pain doesn't go away. I am still dealing with all of the hurt, brokenness and pain that I had from the very beginning. When the spouse ignores what they have done then the marriage just keeps dying a slow death. I came across this web site in HOPES of find something that will help.


Thank you so much for your response to this article. From the perspective of the betrayer, I was totally blind to what my husband had been going through. Now I realize how unrealistic my expectations had been. I get it now!

It was like listening to myself!

I was enthralled as I read through your post, thinking this is ME!! This is the way I feel but have never been able to get my spouse to understand. Just because he wants everything to be okay and he wants us to be able to move on doesn't mean that I can emotionally move on this time. For five years (since we have been married), he has cybercheated on me with hundreds of women and I believe he has met with several although he swears he hasn't. I would just get over the shock of one sordid incident just to get smacked in the face with another. I never had time to get off my knees before I would get hit with another heart ache. So after awhile I became more distant from him, I guess trying to protect myself in a way from more hurt. Needless to say I wasn't as "affectionate" as I used to be and he uses that as his excuse for what drove him to a six-month full blown affair, something I never dreamed he would do. Even after that knock out punch he believes that I should just be able to bounce back and he is commenting about my lack of affection. I just don' get it. I am so happy that I finally found this site after going it alone for 5 years. I'm hoping I will have the support I need now to start the healing process.


"When you feel warm and fuzzy that we have had a week straight of "normal" days, we may hurt inside because the source of our deepest pain feels like it is being avoided. When you want to profess that you are a new and different person, we most likely question the validity of that based on how willing or unwilling you have been to face what you have done."

Yes yes you state it all so well, sister. D day was just January 7 for me. My husband has truly doing everything right since then. And it's STILL HARD.

One of my issues is feeling like I'm leading a double life. It's insane, functioning normally during the day by compartmentalizating with the kids and with my husband, and feeling happy, normal, etc. For instance, I just planned for our family to go out for Valentine's Day tomorrow, and look forward to it. Yet I know when the lights go off at bedtime, and when my eyes open in the morning, the pain will rise to the surface. I hate how the double life my husband led now forces ME to have to live a divided life in front of our kids, and even to a certain extent, my husband. I feel like an imposter. Everything in my world has changed, but life marches on, and since our children must be protected from the truth, I essentially have to live a lie in front of them and pretend everything is alright with me. There's been some "Mom's not feeling well right now" or "Mom and dad are getting help with our relationship right now" etc. but this is far from the reality.

Does anyone out there know what I mean?


I am 18 months post revelation. The second I close my laptop for the day at work, the pain instantly descends. All thoughts lead back to the affair. Somehow I can get from brushing my teeth, looking in the mirror, seeing how old I look compared to his mistress, and there I am again. It happens all the time everyday. it is like a weight pressing down on me all the time, even when I am not consciously thinking about it, I am feeling it in my body. I totally hear where you are at.

Double life

I feel the same, it's been 8 weeks, I'm trying to hold it together, not very well I guess, Love my husband, realize I pushed him away, was mean, drank too much and my flirty girlfriend became his lover for over a year, But we are back together , and have learnt so much .. I am still waking up at 5 am sometimes crying and wide awake once he sleeps at night , but am hoping will fade SOON, I do however agree with filling the first year with photos , and fun things to create new memories, I truly hope this will help me

what next

I found out 5 day's ago that my partner had had a 2 week affair 4 weeks before our wedding.
The day after our wedding i was contacted by a woman telling me he had been having relations with her. He lied still untill he was convinced i knew the truth it all come out he had only had sex with her once but met her a week before on a dating site.

2 weeks before our wedding i found out we are pregnant we had been doing fertility treatment for a while and it come as a shock but such a beautiful point in our relationship so it seemed...
Before i knew it i was pregnant a day into our marriage on our honeymoon dealing with an affair.
It's a week today that we have been married and im REALLY struggling with finding how he could have done this to us when i thought all was fine.
He expressed that weeks before he had thought i was interested in another man and acted out of insacuritys and fear of not feeling like enough...

I'm pregnant and just married i have never ever felt so low about life and where i have ended up... i love him with all of my heart and i REALLY want this to work but I'm just not sure how im going to be able to cope with it. All the questions thay run through my head he is trying soo much we have packed up and moved from the town we lived in even quit our jobs.
But at the end of the day he hurt me and our marriage.

I really want to get through this...
I'm struggling really hard...

so well said

I know this was written 5 years ago but i'm 3 weeks in to finding out about my husbands on and off 6 year affair with 1 other woman which i thought was my friend. Your comment has been the best thing I've read online! Hope all is going well with you!

Thank you! You have said

Thank you! You have said exactly what is in my head and my heart

couldn't have said it better

couldn't have said it better myself

Thank you!

You have hit the nail on the head about taking time to recover. Yes they want everything to be normal within days. My husband doesn’t really understand the gravity of what he has done. He has made me feel like our 20 years of marriage have been a lie. He may have not slept with this woman but he has been communicating with his ex the whole time. Too much to explain here.

Time heals all wounds ?

From the woman who is week 10 after yet another discovery and another affair -this is me starting your journey 6 years ago when you first posted....how are you doing ? Did/does time get you there ? My husband has been with at least 8 women in our time together -8! 5 physical and 3 virtual (same to me) and the lies just keep on getting exposed. What of all the programs did you use that got you through ? I can’t find a therapist who has even come close to the amount of deceit my husband has made -and we are newlyweds, only been married 6 months. It seems no one wants to shake him to the core but rather blame childhood or addiction -he chose to do this -I can’t seem to shake his lack of desire to find his why ....he cheated in all his previous marriages -the hits just keep on coming
I would really like to know is it time? Deep therapy? Coaching? Is there anyone who has suffered this level of affairs ?

I agree with you 100% on this

I agree with you 100% on this. My husband revealed his affair to me 3 1/2 months ago, and I still have questions I need answers to. I think he just wants me to put it behind me & move on, but without getting these answers I don't feel that he has been completely honest with me & I don't fully trust him. So without trying to repair the trust I can't completely begin healing & moving forward. The hurt and betrayal takes time to get over and cannot be rushed or swept under the rug!

Spot on!

It's like you could read my heart and mind. This was written 8 years ago and so I pray that you are healed and happy!

This is exactly how my husband reacted the after the first two affairs. I just caught him again and got full disclosure 2 weeks ago. Then found out two days ago he actually didn't stop. Something had hit him differently this time though and he's actually admitting he has a problem, cried about how disgusted he is by his actions and the amount of pain and distress he's causing me. He's scared to lose his family, is looking for a therapist, is doing marriage bootcamp with me now, and will be attending EMS weekend with me in Dec. Although I do no trust him, and have a lot of doubts, the effort is different this time and so I have hope.

Thank you

I appreciate what you posted, I to am very fresh with this. I want my marriage to work. He is not sure if he loves me still. I have bent over backwards and done everything possible know to do. In addition, I have changed a lot about myself.

He don’t want to talk about it. He hates me asking questions. He don’t want me crying in front of him. It all sucks. So I just go about life pretending or journaling a lot.

Anyways thank you for what you posted.

Oh no

Omg. Becker79, That is heart breaking. My husband wasn’t so moved at first either; until I put him out the house; then his attitude changed. putting some distance/separation between us helped him realize I was serious.


Thank you for taking the time to write this, it expresses many issues that we all feel. I am 8 years out from the discovery of my husbands infidelities and I still struggle with being able to trust him. I can honestly say I don't trust him and wonder if I ever will. I truly struggle living that way. I feel no sense of security in my relationship or life unfortunately. I believe when over the course of time you see your husband and your marriage fall into the same old habits it makes you question your commitment you made to a new life 8 years ago post discovery. I was married for over 24 years when I caught my husband cheating. He finally over time and my insistence admitted to other affairs over the course of our marriage and multiple other inappropriate relationships. I can relate to your feelings of being trapped and caged in by our husbands neediness and expectation for us to heal.
I know that under the right circumstances healing is possible but wonder whether my husband and I went about our years since exposure the wrong way. I believe we isolated ourselves in order to stay married because the embarrassment of what we went through was just to much for my husband and I. I also read somewhere and believed that if you want to stay married after an affair tell as few people as possible. That's what I did. I have always felt very isolated in this. I still however feel the intense need to talk to someone about it. Someone who cares and has been through it. I now feel that will contribute to my healing so I am going to begin finding those resources. By God's grace I found this site and hope and pray it will begin a new healing journey for me. I hope one day I can help others on their healing journey and that one day I might trust my husband again and feel secure in our marriage.

To fresh to heal completely as this time.

Amen. Only a month into the disclosure, I concur with every sentiment u listed out. It is my prayer I heal and stop hurting. Stop hurting “myself”, and letting go. Maybe letting go by accepting what has happened, not forgiving some parts just yet. Forgiveness may come over time.
Marriage for 33 years with him having an affair with us for the past 7 years.
I, too, do not know what is truth or a lie. I have lost so much…..
It will be two months since we attended our EMS weekend in hopes of processing and healing from this trauma. Healing for me is my main priority, to move forward in my daily life as a renewed personal healing and thriving daily. If we have a renewed life together and stay married, after the EMS and healing of a year or so. I pray I am free of all this trauma. See life and God in a new light.
Thank you for sharing your heart.


It has now been 7 years since my husband confessed that he had an affair, we struggled through 12 months of pain, poor advice, anger and hurt. Mostly trying to decide whether to remain in the marriage. Added with an alcohol problem, it was a very draining time, while he decided which women to stay with. It was very destructive. I then took our 2 young children and went back to my family. I spent 12 months with them. It was the best thing I did, giving us time to talk in a safe environment and to take the pressure off. I told him he had to make some decisions and changes before i would come back, if that was his choice. He visited frequently. I came back to our home with our 3rd child. Now 5 years after returning i am so glad that i tried and continued to walk through the process. Many of our friends did not understand how i could remain with him, but today the proof is in the pudding so to speak. Being willing to allow each other to move through the different steps is so important. My Dad gave me some advice that really helped. He said "Don't keep Him in a box, don't keep looking at him as unchangeable, allow him the grace to change." It is so hard when someone has hurt you and you loose your trust in them to accept that they have changed. Pretty words are not enough. There must be the fruit of repentance. A change in behaviour. Mostly now when i look back i see how much has changed but that is the privilege of hindsight, but you need time to see it. My biggest help came from God. He really is the only one who knows everything about your situation. So many issues came to light through out our process, for each of us many issues really had nothing to do with each other but pain from our pasts. Now i know that much of our success was because we were both willing to take the time and not give up. Willing to give time to each other, and to trust God to help us.

I have asked 'Where is God in all of this?'

I am a man who was betrayed. The betrayal is pretty recent. The discovery even more recent. And, worst of all, my wife doesn't seem to want to reconcile. And, as a Christian myself, I have asked the question that most are afraid to ask: "Where is God in all of this?" I have read the comments from the women who are betrayed, and they all seem to praise God for being there for them. I do not doubt that He was, nor do I really doubt that He is with me now. But, really, I feel a terrible sense of loss, and I have forgiven my wife...and I still love her, despite the damage, pain, anguish, and the work of healing we must endure now because of her betrayal. But, I have been asking where God is in all of this. I am so broken and so lost for any kind of footing...it seems, though God obviously knows about my situation, I feel He isn't doing anything to help it heal. At least all of you have a spouse that is willing to come back to the marriage after their betrayals. At this juncture, mine does not. It may be too early to tell for me right now...she may just be offering bluster...but I am having to forgive a spouse that may not want to be forgiven. This is like an amputation. Will I live? Yes.but I'd rather have my arm back...even if it is limited in it's ability to use. God will heal me...but I would rather have my wife back. Is ti so wrong to question God in this time? It is bad enough to have your emotions out of control, your manhood (or womanhood) stripped from you, self-worth reduced, your pain going straight to your bones...and now your faith is shaken. I feel betrayed by my wife...and yet trapped because I don't seem to trust God like I once did.


I read your post and am also recently reeling from the discovery of infidelity by my spouse. I found out four weeks ago and had done nothing but cry and isolate myself. Three days ago I got a call from my dearest friend from out of state. I cautiously asked why she was calling. Immediately she said " Just tell me what's going on". She made me realize that knowing was the best way to rebuild our marriage if we are able to. I had suspected for a while, which just made me feel anxious and suspicious. Now we can truly heal. I believe God inspired her to call me on the first day I felt I could share what was going on and for her to share the words that have helped me to accept whats happened and start a process of healing. She even got me to laugh for the first time in a month. It hurts to have a betrayal, but God didn't abandon me and he didn't abandon you. One thing my friend said really helped. We are all broken people, imperfect people that have made mistakes. She suggested that I thank God for five things everyday, even if it was just for breathing. Apparently grateful people are 25% happier. God brought her to me when I was becoming desperately low. The holy spirit moved her to speak the words I needed to hear. She even shared that some dear friends of ours had survived infidelity and I look at their marriage so admiringly. You arent alone. My daughter is getting her PhD in psychology. She told me the very sad statistic that 74% of marriages experience infidelity. I was shocked, but she said it's because couples that survive are least likely to share so it's a hidden reality. Couples do overcome with hard work and commitment. I'm not even sure we will survive this, because my husband has a very hard time sharing his emotions and being honest with what he's feeling. But I have learned that God didn't abandon me and he is there with you. I will pray for you and your spouse to to come to terms with what's happened and start a healing process and that you both keep God in the center of it all. Trust in him that, with his help, you will come to a better place for both of you. God's peace, Laura

Where is god in all of this ?

I am on the same boat your are in . I'm a male whose wife cheated on me with a supposed friend of mine . It has been 4 weeks since I caught them red handed . I could see their relationship materialize right in front of my eyes because he was at our house several times at parties and other family functions . This was so painful to watch and I questioned her several times and she said they were just friends . It's especially tough because he was married and our kids were best friends . Now our kids can't see each other because the betrayed spouses won't allow the kids to be around the betrayors . I have prayed for so long during this last year , asking god to relieve the pain and try to clarify everything . I still love my wife so much, our marriage was not in the best shape before this happened . I am willing to put the work in to rebuild but she says she is lost and needs to figure out who she is . She is not sure if she wants to try and rebuild . Unfortunately she doesn't have a job and is a stay at home mom . She feels trapped because she is dependent on my income . She seems so lost . It pains me to see her like this . It's surreal because I am the betrayed spouse , yet I am the one wanting to stay together , especially because we have kids evolved . I pray everyday on this for some kind of relief and resolve . I will try and stay the course and hopefully God will show his presence soon .

Where is God?

I had the same experience wondering where God went during my struggle. I couldn't feel him anymore, and I couldn't seem to connect with him. I had considered my husband and I were both Christians. But after discovering my husband had cheated on me at least 3 times ( he still has yet to disclose everything 3 years after discovery) I couldn't shake the feeling that God had left me and I couldn't feel his presence anymore. My counselor told me she had experienced the same thing. I eventually started reading scripture everyday, and I have since recovered a relationship with God. I use the Holy Bible ap for devotions and infidelity support. Hang in there and give it time. Your life has been shaken to the core and everything may look hopeless. But hang on and get support from family, friends, counselors, and websites like this. I wish you the very best.


Hi Will. I realize you wrote this some time ago. It hits home with me. Tremendously. I was wondering how everything worked out?



I'd like to know 7 years later ............. did your wife come back? did you see God through your prayer?

What a great place of comfort and understanding

Wow! Although I am very new to this entire process, I can SO identify with so many of the posts. I can take bits and pieces and put them all together to fit my circumstances. I am still in the tunnel of disbelief, sorrow, anguish and apprehension as to where this will end up. My faith has kept me strong, but I find myself weakening, especially when distrust enters time and again, mostly due to the indecision I see in him. He is SAYING he wants to stay and work, but does not seem committed to DO the work it will take to move forward. I do not expect an overnight change...I know it will take YEARS to rebuild what has been destroyed, but I know this will take outside help and work...hard work to ever be restored. The question has been asked, what do you get by staying? My prayer is that with help (God's and counseling) and a changed heart, we can have a better life than ever before. I am trying so hard to hold on to this.



Going through it also - part II

I know you posted this a year ago, but to me it's all brand new and it still speaks volumes. My wife had what I would term a "Facebook" affair. I managed to tap into her messages for about 4 weeks and watch them talk, delete messages, talk about their plans for the future together in a different city, sexual conversations. I finally blew the cover when I called him - and then showed my wife all the messages. I was ready to blow the whole thing up and call it a day as my wife has been cold as ice to me anyway for the last 6 or 7 years. In that time, our sex life stopped completely. And no matter how many times I tried to engage her romantically or sexually - it was just impossible. However, outside of that environment, we got along great. She had no problem sitting with me on the couch to watch a movie or cuddling up with me in bed all night. And despite all my attempts to take us back to a new beginning (trips, nights out, romantic dinners, movies, flowers, etc.), it was fruitless. This little "affair", if you want to call it that, was just the straw that broke the camel's back. My wife admitted to me she doesn't really love me any more. I've spent every day this month praying for either 1) a way out without destroying our kids or 2) the renewal of our marriage AND the love we once had. These last few days have been a roller coaster from hell itself. I no longer trust her since she's still spending most of her time on her iPhone (I curse the day I bought that for her) and I can't get her to commit back to THIS relationship. And there are a number of mitigating factors as well that are exacerbating the pain and frustration of this whole situation. But I do know this - God is with me every step of the way - whichever way it goes. And I fell in my heart that he will somehow, someway bring her back home... and by home, I mean me and God. She's spiritually, emotionally and mentally checked out at the moment. But I'm still holding on to hope that she will open her eyes - and realize the grave error she's making. I hope since last year, things have worked out for you and that your husband has returned. Meanwhile, these boards are a God-send for people like me - as writing is my thing - and allows me a chance to vent somewhat and get these thoughts off my chest. God Bless!!!!

I know this post is old, but

I know this post is old, but I am currently in the same situation. I would love to know how things have worked out for you.

I recently found out about my

I recently found out about my husbands affair in February. I was in disbeliefe and shock by the things I seen. I couldn't believe that my husband of 10 years would do something like that to me. I still sit here and think to myself how could he. I haven't told anyone about his affair because I don't anyone to judge me. It's been hard and I still think about it everyday! I am still with him and he has now been spending time with me and texting me randomly that he loves me. But then I think to myself why did it take this to make us closer and for him to act like my husband! Because its still a fresh wound I just don't know where to go from here! Then of course I start to look at things and I see the quote once a cheater always a cheater and I start to put myself down like I am stupid for being here! Maybe some advice from someone that's had been here and tried to make it work will help me!


I am 9 days into discovery. Unfortunately, tho he says he wants to save our marriage, he "can't remember" the details. Will he ever or has he "buried the details" forever?

Does Time Heal All Wounds?

I discovered my husband's affair back in February of last year. We are getting close to the "anniversary" of that very sad event and I honestly cannot say a whole year later much has been healed. So this article was comforting. I think that if the way this past year was spent had gone differently, we would be much closer to healing as individuals and a couple.

You mentioned your husband says he "can't remember" the details. My husband did the same thing.

I found messages on his phone from a woman from his job. When first confronted, he lied. Once he finally admitted they had been messaging one another we tried to have discussion. Somewhere in that time I gave him his phone back. Later that evening I asked him for his phone so I could finish the messages. He had deleted every trace of messages between him and her in the few hours he had his phone.


And since that day, anytime I ask him about ANY details, he "doesn't remember" and I'm not sure if it's legitimate or if he's just choosing not to share.

I assume he could have blocked it out. Something full of shame, hurt or guilt is easier dealt with by blocking it out completely, especially for a man like my husband. I also felt that there's a chance he's still hiding something. Even now.

Either way, it prolongs the healing process. It's a much harder road to building trust without full disclosure. I will be praying for you throughout this process, especially considering how fresh it is. Maybe asking him in the presence of a counselor who can help navigate and ask the hard questions may help to jog his memory.

Good luck to you.

Similar story....

I found out about the same time as you and am getting the same story as you. I explained how giving certain info will help me heal, and help avoid reliving the pain later on if it somehow comes to light in the future, but he still "can't remember" or won't talk. Have you had any results in this area yet?

Moving on

My wife left me 6 weeks ago, and I found out she was having an affair about a week later. We were married 14 years, knew each other for 16. After she left, she went into hiding, and didn't respond to calls or messages from family and friends. When I discovered who she was having an affair with, I texted her his name - and she responded "so now you know why I had to leave". I wanted to work on our marriage. Only a week before she left, we had a good conversation about steps we could take to strengthen our marriage. We made a plan together. Things were going to change. But a week later, she left. Every time I bring up forgiveness, and reconciliation she is not interested. She continues to see the new person. We have signed a separation agreement, and are selling the house. I am living in an apartment on my own now.

I have been battling depression for a long time, and she was always complaining about my physical appearance. She found someone who was an alpha male, physically fit, and she wanted to get sexual satisfaction from that. I feel abandoned, deeply hurt, and initially thought perhaps a friendship could be salvaged. However, all I feel is hate for her now. I never want to see her again. She broke a sacred promise to stay together through good times and bad, sickness and health - and lied to me as the affair was going on ( it started 3 months before she left).

In my opinion, our marriage was amazing 90 percent of the time. The last 6 months my depression was really bad. We dealt with so much together. Family loss, infertility, supporting each other through university. I thought this experience with the affair could be overcome, and it would make our marriage stronger. You go through a lot in 16 years - and now we basically can't talk anymore in a matter of a couple months. In my situation, there is no hope of getting back together, or getting over the affair. She is just not interested. I need to cut her out of my life, and move on. Maybe some day, she will feel regret, but for my to stop hurting, I needed to stop communication and block her out. After all, she doesn't deserve my friendship after what she did.

If there is one lesson I can take away from this experience, it is that a depressed spouse in a marriage can recover. I have an amazing support network, including my family doctor, friends, family, and some treatments for the depression. Despite what has happened, I feel great and am optimistic about the future - however I do think that my marriage didn't need to end and the problems were totally manageable. In the end, I will only see it as a tragedy.


What type of affair was it?

Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action.
Take the Affair Analyzer

Free Surviving Infidelity Bootcamp

Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. Be intentional with your healing with this free 7-day bootcamp.
I would highly recommend giving this a try.
-D, Texas