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Does Time Heal All Wounds? Healing After An Affair
Have you ever suffered an injury and ignored it? It's embarrassing to admit, but years ago I damaged the soft tissue in my shoulder, and instead of seeking help, I coped, adjusted, and went on with life. I mistakenly believed that if I carefully protected my shoulder, it would heal on its own. Ultimately, I had to accept that my plan didn't work; by the time I sought help, I needed to have surgery.
The old saying "time heals all wounds" isn't necessarily true for shoulder injuries, and it isn’t true for healing after an affair. It's not time that heals all wounds, but rather, it's a matter of how that time is spent.
Postponing Recovery is Costly
While talking to one of our mentor couples, I asked, "In retrospect, what did you not know that you needed to know after the affair was discovered?"
The betrayed spouse replied that she wished she'd had someone to reassure her that the affair was not about her. Had she known this; it would have allowed her to focus on productive healing rather than trying to change in order to control her mate's choices. When she finally understood she wasn’t the cause, she no longer felt solely responsible for the outcome.
When I asked her, "What was the least productive thing you did after discovery?"
She said that it was responding with rage. She wanted to try to make her husband hurt as badly as she was hurting. "I wanted to punish him rather than explore what I needed to do to move forward. Not only did it not make me feel better, it kept me from moving forward because I was trapped playing the role of executioner."
Having posed the same question to her husband, he shared with me that the least productive thing he did was beat himself up with guilt and shame instead of seeking the "why" behind his actions.
"Rather than trying to discover how I'd gotten here and what I needed to do to keep from repeating my mistakes, all I could think about was myself and how badly I'd screwed up."
Today, he sees how beating himself up was only effective as long as he felt the pain. If he'd begun to explore what was driving his actions, he believes it could have shaved months off their recovery.
Where Do I Find Help?
Infidelity creates a pain like no other, and that pain has the potential to spread like wildfire. Lives hang in the balance of the choices we make upon disclosure. Mistakenly, we believe our wounds will heal with the mere passing of time, when it is actually what we do with the time that can create a pathway to healing, restoration, and redemption. When we wait for time to do the work on its own, we create a roadmap that keeps us stuck in our agony.
At Affair Recovery, it's our mission to be a safe place for even the most broken of people walking through what seems like unending hurt and sadness. To date, our restorative courses and programs have helped thousands of participants with healing after infidelity. Take one of our couples courses: EMS Online or EMS Weekend. Take a course for individuals: Harboring Hope for betrayed spouses or Hope for Healing for wayward spouses. Don't waste precious time.
"Harboring Hope has been the wisest choice I've made since learning about my husband's affairs and addiction. For more than six months, I tried doing it on my own. I wish I hadn't let my shame and brokenness keep me away because WOW! The Harboring Hope group was exactly what my soul needed: to be validated; a safe place to tell my story, to cry and, yes, to laugh; and know I wasn't alone. My story isn't over and yours isn't either. Join a Harboring Hope group and find hope and love!" April 2021 Harboring Hope participant.
What type of affair was it?
Free Surviving Infidelity Bootcamp
Comments
couldn't have said it better
In reply to the article on time healing wounds by Anonymous
couldn't have said it better myself
Thank you!
In reply to the article on time healing wounds by Anonymous
You have hit the nail on the head about taking time to recover. Yes they want everything to be normal within days. My husband doesn’t really understand the gravity of what he has done. He has made me feel like our 20 years of marriage have been a lie. He may have not slept with this woman but he has been communicating with his ex the whole time. Too much to explain here.
Time heals all wounds ?
In reply to the article on time healing wounds by Anonymous
From the woman who is week 10 after yet another discovery and another affair -this is me starting your journey 6 years ago when you first posted....how are you doing ? Did/does time get you there ? My husband has been with at least 8 women in our time together -8! 5 physical and 3 virtual (same to me) and the lies just keep on getting exposed. What of all the programs did you use that got you through ? I can’t find a therapist who has even come close to the amount of deceit my husband has made -and we are newlyweds, only been married 6 months. It seems no one wants to shake him to the core but rather blame childhood or addiction -he chose to do this -I can’t seem to shake his lack of desire to find his why ....he cheated in all his previous marriages -the hits just keep on coming
I would really like to know is it time? Deep therapy? Coaching? Is there anyone who has suffered this level of affairs ?
I agree with you 100% on this
In reply to the article on time healing wounds by Anonymous
I agree with you 100% on this. My husband revealed his affair to me 3 1/2 months ago, and I still have questions I need answers to. I think he just wants me to put it behind me & move on, but without getting these answers I don't feel that he has been completely honest with me & I don't fully trust him. So without trying to repair the trust I can't completely begin healing & moving forward. The hurt and betrayal takes time to get over and cannot be rushed or swept under the rug!
Spot on!
In reply to the article on time healing wounds by Anonymous
It's like you could read my heart and mind. This was written 8 years ago and so I pray that you are healed and happy!
This is exactly how my husband reacted the after the first two affairs. I just caught him again and got full disclosure 2 weeks ago. Then found out two days ago he actually didn't stop. Something had hit him differently this time though and he's actually admitting he has a problem, cried about how disgusted he is by his actions and the amount of pain and distress he's causing me. He's scared to lose his family, is looking for a therapist, is doing marriage bootcamp with me now, and will be attending EMS weekend with me in Dec. Although I do no trust him, and have a lot of doubts, the effort is different this time and so I have hope.
Thank you
In reply to the article on time healing wounds by Anonymous
I appreciate what you posted, I to am very fresh with this. I want my marriage to work. He is not sure if he loves me still. I have bent over backwards and done everything possible know to do. In addition, I have changed a lot about myself.
He don’t want to talk about it. He hates me asking questions. He don’t want me crying in front of him. It all sucks. So I just go about life pretending or journaling a lot.
Anyways thank you for what you posted.
Time
In reply to the article on time healing wounds by Anonymous
Thank you for taking the time to write this, it expresses many issues that we all feel. I am 8 years out from the discovery of my husbands infidelities and I still struggle with being able to trust him. I can honestly say I don't trust him and wonder if I ever will. I truly struggle living that way. I feel no sense of security in my relationship or life unfortunately. I believe when over the course of time you see your husband and your marriage fall into the same old habits it makes you question your commitment you made to a new life 8 years ago post discovery. I was married for over 24 years when I caught my husband cheating. He finally over time and my insistence admitted to other affairs over the course of our marriage and multiple other inappropriate relationships. I can relate to your feelings of being trapped and caged in by our husbands neediness and expectation for us to heal.
I know that under the right circumstances healing is possible but wonder whether my husband and I went about our years since exposure the wrong way. I believe we isolated ourselves in order to stay married because the embarrassment of what we went through was just to much for my husband and I. I also read somewhere and believed that if you want to stay married after an affair tell as few people as possible. That's what I did. I have always felt very isolated in this. I still however feel the intense need to talk to someone about it. Someone who cares and has been through it. I now feel that will contribute to my healing so I am going to begin finding those resources. By God's grace I found this site and hope and pray it will begin a new healing journey for me. I hope one day I can help others on their healing journey and that one day I might trust my husband again and feel secure in our marriage.
To fresh to heal completely as this time.
In reply to the article on time healing wounds by Anonymous
Amen. Only a month into the disclosure, I concur with every sentiment u listed out. It is my prayer I heal and stop hurting. Stop hurting “myself”, and letting go. Maybe letting go by accepting what has happened, not forgiving some parts just yet. Forgiveness may come over time.
Marriage for 33 years with him having an affair with us for the past 7 years.
I, too, do not know what is truth or a lie. I have lost so much…..
It will be two months since we attended our EMS weekend in hopes of processing and healing from this trauma. Healing for me is my main priority, to move forward in my daily life as a renewed personal healing and thriving daily. If we have a renewed life together and stay married, after the EMS and healing of a year or so. I pray I am free of all this trauma. See life and God in a new light.
Thank you for sharing your heart.
When I heard it takes around
When I heard it takes around 18 months to get through this horrible ordeal, I almost felt that I couldn't make it that long. But now close to two years later, I am very thankful and happy most of the time. There are triggers but they are becoming less and less. The first year was very hard. The relationship we have now is a healthy one. We have both spent time working on ourselves individually and as a couple. The one thing that helped me the most was leaning on God. He carried me through this ordeal and I am so thankful!
healing
This article is so right, time heals all wounds but depends on how you use the time! your Affair Recovery website and letters helps really..Thanks and God bless your intention to help and guide people recover from broken relationships and become better at relating from their experience.
time heals all wounds
Time does help. Not time alone, but time that is taken up with the hard work of building a new life together. In the beginning, when the pain was unbearable, I wanted an answer for 'how long' it would last...when would I --- or could I ---ever feel normal again...was it possible not to either hurt or rage. I got answers such as "for as long as the affair lasted' (I despaired; I couldn't bear to feel this way for over 3 years!!) to 18 months as a magic figure for recovery. My experience is that the first year after the revelation was the most difficult because I had to live through the significant moments of that year with the knowledge that one and two and three years previous, those same birthday celebrations, family vacations, Christmas mornings were a lie; my husband had been unfaithful through each of those precious events. Eyes now open to the sham my life had been, all special memories were a brutal twist in the fresh wound and I began to dread any approaching holiday. But we were very conscious that, in that first year, despite all of the weeping and howling and gnashing of teeth, we had to create new traditions and significant moments. We changed the way we did vacations. We celebrated special days with new traditions. We took lots of photos. We crowded the year with new and good memories. The second year was easier, now that we had this buffer between the painful past and our new life together. It's been 3 years now and because we did enough that was constructive in that time, I can say that the pain of the betrayal is less and less a part of our daily lives, unlike the first 12 months. Time, filled with new love and the grueling task of forgiveness, stuffed full of deliberate efforts to change and recreate one's marriage, can heal the cruelest of wounds.
time...
In reply to time heals all wounds by Anonymous
I recently (6 months ago) discovered my husband of 43 years has had a secret life for at least 35 of them. . He has done it all. .Don't have full disclosure yet. I can't even think about any milestones in my life without wondering what he was doing then and who he was with. I am in counseling with a caring therapist as is he. But most days the hope for a contented life with or without him is very low. I am 65 years old and don't have 35 years to heal. I pray continuously. I know God has me in the palm of His hand. Thanks for listening
I Am You!
In reply to time... by DataAbstractor
I, too, am 65 years old, would have been married 45 years 10 June, but, found out 12 May that my husband has been cheating on me 2-1/2 years. She also got him into pornography and perverse sex which he described to me in step-by-step detail because I think it is disgusting. I cannot stop crying, can't eat (went from 120 pounds to 95), and, I do not have another 45 years as I definitely wasted these last 45 years. I feel no hope at all. I have 2 therapists, 1 psychiatrist, a family doctor, and a support group, but I still feel hopeless. My husband will not take any responsibility for this affair - he has no conscience or any empathy, He says it is over and "let's start over".
65 years old
In reply to I Am You! by Anonymous
I’m with you on wondering if I have enough life left for healing from my UH ‘s sex addiction. EMS is next in my arsenal in this journey to healing. After wanting revenge in any and all ways possible, I decided I would instead, spend retirement money and time going forward with healing. I do mean revenge, too. The chainsaw wasn’t off limits, fire was too easy to use in many different ways to damage anything and everything. I experienced the rage. I’m wanting healing. I’m wanting a person in myself who can be healthy and heal during my lifetime. Keep going forward for your own health and healing.
Help
In reply to time... by DataAbstractor
I too found out recently my husband of 41 years had an affair that lasted several years thirty years ago. But then they became friends and stayed in touch via email for years. I spoke to her recently and she knows everything about my life. We are divorcing but I am struggling with even the thought of letting go completely. 45 years together and we met when I was 18. I don’t know how to move on from this at all. It’s been seven weeks and mostly I just cry
I feel like I’m in a roller coasters
In reply to time heals all wounds by Anonymous
My husband told me he was in a multiple affairs for 5 years he’s 40 and for the last 2 years he was with a girl 22 years old he said he’s not in love with her but they travel together he brought her in my home when I’m away with my two boys and lots more , I feel I want to bunch him every single day and he keep saying sorry and nothing about me it’s about his wrong life work pressure And travelling a lot du to his work . We are going now to couple counseling for me it’s not useful as it’s 1 hour weekly and there is no plan or set subject it’s up to us to talk about anything in present of the counsel. Most of the time to be honest I feel there is no hope to wipe this bitterness and pain I hurt a lot feel my inside collapse, I hate him and love him in the same time he’s the one who hurts me a lot and the one I love and trust he’s the first man in my life . Also I gave 2 young boys 10 and 8 can you please advice with your experience.
As I read 5 years of cheating need 5 years and more to heel .
So incredibly helpful!
In reply to time heals all wounds by Anonymous
As a betrayed spouse, I thank you for sharing this. I love the way you guys created the buffer. I'm not sure I would've thought of this. It's a game changer for me, for sure!
it's as if I have written
In reply to time heals all wounds by Anonymous
it's as if I have written this myself, however it's only been just over 2 months & still extremley raw. I'm scared I will loose my husband before we find our way as I've too much pain & questions. recovery seems like different paths for us both.
I am the one who cheated on
I am the one who cheated on my spouse. I believe I have a serious problem....but due to finances, I can't get any help! I'm trying hard to read everything I can, but I know my spouse doesn't believe I'm really working at it. It is so frustrating.....
Shame is a killer to recovery
In reply to I am the one who cheated on by Anonymous
I’d recommend to everyone the audio book “Power of Vulnerability” by Brene Brown. It’s not cheap but a very worthwhile investment if shame is something you struggle with.
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