First of all... Wayne - Thank you for these videos. They are immensely helpful.
I am 15 months out from our initial D-day and had another one to a lesser extent about 6 weeks ago (a discovery of pornography use). In your video you said, "The betrayed spouse first said that she wished she'd realized the affair was not about her. She said had she known this, it would've allowed her to focus on real issues rather than trying to change in order to control her mate's choices. If she didn't cause it, then she had very little leverage to control the outcome."
Maybe I am still struggling with this and maybe not. I'm not sure. I understand that I didn't cause my husband to cheat. However, from the beginning, I have been convicted of my own failings as a wife. I have worked very hard over the last 15 months to change myself; to be the woman and wife God wants me to be. I hope it has not been as a means to control my husband but I'm sure there is an aspect of that in there if I am honest. I struggle with the idea that if I had been a better wife, this would not have happened. Isn't there a possibility that this is true? On the flip side, I have grown and changed a lot in the last year. I have worked hard on this recovery. When I found out that my husband had been lying to me throughout this recovery about pornography use, I did not react in the same way, knowing that I had been honestly doing my best to be the wife I should have been all along. Because of that, I was able to stand up for myself and insist that he really start working on his personal recovery. Prior to this, he was only willing to work on the marriage and would not do any personal work.
In many ways, I feel stronger and somewhat healed (although not completely). With this new discovery, I feel a new fear. I have released myself from the guilt I felt about my behavior during our marriage. With that release, I also feel free to walk away if he continues to lie to me about his recovery. This is not what I want. But I also don't want to stay in a marriage with someone who has been able to lie to me so easily if he is going to continue to lie and fake recovery. My fear is that I will uncover one more lie. There is no doubt now that he understands how important honesty is to me and to the continuation of our marriage. One more lie would mean the end. Is this what you mean when you said that I have very little leverage to control the outcome?
Is this what I've been doing?
First of all... Wayne - Thank you for these videos. They are immensely helpful.
I am 15 months out from our initial D-day and had another one to a lesser extent about 6 weeks ago (a discovery of pornography use). In your video you said, "The betrayed spouse first said that she wished she'd realized the affair was not about her. She said had she known this, it would've allowed her to focus on real issues rather than trying to change in order to control her mate's choices. If she didn't cause it, then she had very little leverage to control the outcome."
Maybe I am still struggling with this and maybe not. I'm not sure. I understand that I didn't cause my husband to cheat. However, from the beginning, I have been convicted of my own failings as a wife. I have worked very hard over the last 15 months to change myself; to be the woman and wife God wants me to be. I hope it has not been as a means to control my husband but I'm sure there is an aspect of that in there if I am honest. I struggle with the idea that if I had been a better wife, this would not have happened. Isn't there a possibility that this is true? On the flip side, I have grown and changed a lot in the last year. I have worked hard on this recovery. When I found out that my husband had been lying to me throughout this recovery about pornography use, I did not react in the same way, knowing that I had been honestly doing my best to be the wife I should have been all along. Because of that, I was able to stand up for myself and insist that he really start working on his personal recovery. Prior to this, he was only willing to work on the marriage and would not do any personal work.
In many ways, I feel stronger and somewhat healed (although not completely). With this new discovery, I feel a new fear. I have released myself from the guilt I felt about my behavior during our marriage. With that release, I also feel free to walk away if he continues to lie to me about his recovery. This is not what I want. But I also don't want to stay in a marriage with someone who has been able to lie to me so easily if he is going to continue to lie and fake recovery. My fear is that I will uncover one more lie. There is no doubt now that he understands how important honesty is to me and to the continuation of our marriage. One more lie would mean the end. Is this what you mean when you said that I have very little leverage to control the outcome?