Why Did My Spouse Cheat? A Crucial Question In Healing After An Affair

How often have you done something you didn't want to do? Behavior doesn't always fall in line with motive, and motives behind cheating are vast and complicated. However, I would like to offer insight into the most common questions people ask after an affair. If you're still left wondering, "Why?" take our free Affair Analyzer online for a personalized action plan for surviving infidelity and healing after an affair.

Why did this happen?

There's no way to determine one single reason; a lifetime can be spent searching for the answer to this question. The complexity lies in the multitude of factors driving the choice. For some, the infidelity is caused by baggage brought into the marriage. For others, it's a bad response to existing marriage problems. Rather than addressing issues head on, someone may use some form of infidelity as the solution to their dilemma. At times, it's about an addiction and, at times, it can be situational, where someone does something careless in the moment and then feels trapped and unable to disentangle themselves. The "why" is a central question when it comes to healing after an affair.

What does the other person have that I don't?

The other person has many things that you don't, just as you have many things that they don't. You're not all that, but neither is the affair partner. Typically, people enjoy how the affair partner makes them feel. Think of it this way. Affair partners tend to serve as a vanity mirror and the mate as a magnifying mirror. This is why the affair partner seems to be the preferred commodity, even though, in the long run, it's just an illusion. The reality is that you possess 80 percent of the characteristics your mate wants while the affair partner only has 20 percent of what they want. Leaving the 80 for the 20 isn't very smart.

Why would they risk our happy life?

In all honesty, there is a good chance the person who's acting out isn't even thinking about risking a life of calm and serenity for trouble with a misfit partner. That's because they feel excitement over the idea of being with someone else. The compartmentalization that most addicts utilize separates the two realities in their mind. The risk is part of what brings the excitement, but the reality of losing everything they hold dear doesn't really hold any weight in the moment. At one level, they may be aware that they could lose everything, but the reality of that possibility doesn't fully register in their mind.

It's a difficult concept to explain to someone who's not an addict. It's like trying to describe light or color to a blind person. You can tell them what it's like, but unless they experience it, it's hard to believe someone could actually think this way. The person who lives like this still knows that what they're doing is wrong, but they have to make the choice to own up to it and stop doing it. What happens after the affair is an afterthought.

Why don't they feel any guilt?

Only a very small percentage of the population experiences zero guilt when acting out. The vast majority does feel the prick of their conscience, but they use defense mechanisms to push that guilt away. Blaming, victim thinking, minimization, rationalization, and denial are techniques used as a way to justify their actions. If they have resentment toward their mate, they may justify their actions by feeling their mate deserves it. If they've been doing the behavior for a longer period of time, their heart may have become hardened to the behavior, and it no longer seems that bad.

A lack of remorse doesn't mean they have no conscience. It can be an indication that somehow, in their mind, they have come up with a way to justify what they've done.

Did they ever really love me?

This one is hard to answer. It all depends on how you define love. One thing is for certain, if someone betrays their mate, what they've done is not loving. However, I believe every human being is capable of loving someone, while at the same time, acting in ways that are selfish and contrary to love.

On the other hand, I believe many people have a shallow understanding of love. They get married thinking they love their mate, but in reality, they love how their mate makes them feel about themselves. If that's the case, they will continue in the relationship as long as the marriage continues to make them feel happy. But if, for whatever reason, the marriage ceases to make them feel happy, or if they find someone or something that makes them feel even happier, then it won't be long until the allure draws them elsewhere.

If that occurs, does it mean they never loved you? It's hard to know another's heart, but it is possible that their journey into the forbidden caused them to realize that their mate and the life they've built together is what they really cherish. At the very least, if they are choosing to work on the relationship, I believe their betrayal and your response to it may be the very thing that begins to teach them the true meaning of love. Many times, healing after an affair involves discovering what real love looks like and feels like.

What were they thinking?

Sad to say, but if they had really been thinking and considering the impact of their actions, there is a good chance they never would have done this. I can't tell you how many times I've heard both men and women state that if they had known the consequences of their actions before they had acted, then they would have never done it. I think very few people rightly consider all the costs when they act out. For your sake and theirs, I wish they had been thinking. I'd have less people to help, but the world would be a happier place.

These questions and others like them are very common in the early stages of recovery. I think the betrayed spouse needs to be very careful about the information they want to know, or what we think we want to know, because we can end up being buried in feelings of victimization and powerlessness. Sometimes, these questions can feed our obsession for more and more details that may not be helpful for us to know.

I do believe that you need to be able to put your arms around what happened, how long an affair went on, and some specific details of the affair, but I want to encourage you to avoid questions that lead to comparison and obsession. There's no doubt in my mind that you need to ask questions about emotional, physical, financial, and psychological safety. However, I think questions that help you both discover the meanings and the motives behind the affair are going to be helpful to you, your spouse, and your relationship. Questions like, "What did the affair mean to you?" "Why do you think it happened when it did? "Were you looking for it?" "Do you feel guilty?" "What have you learned about yourself?" "What have you learned about yourself in our relationship since the affair?" "Did you ever worry that the affair would destroy us?" Questions like this can be really helpful.

If you're a wayward spouse and having trouble answering questions like these and navigating the turbulent process of recovery, I'd like to ask you to consider enrolling in Affair Recovery's Hope for Healing online course. The last thing you need is a program or curriculum which doesn't address deception, transparency, empathy, or the pain you are feeling. This course will not only support you in your recovery but will provide specific insight into what the future can look like for you.

If you are a betrayed spouse and having trouble processing your pain or knowing what questions you should ask, I invite you to consider enrolling in Affair Recovery's Harboring Hope course. Affair Recovery's resources are built on the most experience and research in helping each partner deal with their pain, heal from their pain, and move on, whether together or separate, to a better future.

For couples who feel ready to attend something together, consider registering for one of our upcoming EMS Weekends. To healing.