Why the Betrayed Spouse Wants the Unfaithful Spouse to Take Initiative in Recovery Work
Samuel shares insight into a common struggle for couples in recovery.
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Wow, i think the majority of
Wow, i think the majority of the people on the general forum who have been on several years would agree this is why they are still on the forum. What do you think the best way to address this issue is for the betrayed when the US just wont do any work on their own?
I would certainly agree that
In reply to Wow, i think the majority of by confusedman
I would certainly agree that is why I am still where I am at. I am curious as to the answer re advice.
Yes- spot on. Almost 3 yrs post d-day #1
In reply to I would certainly agree that by Machine
3 yrs after catching my UH in decades of sexual betrayal and all he consistently does is read his Bible (using his bible reading time as an avoidance tactic). Instead of "hearing" me beg for recovery work he decided I was "stuck" and recently decided to leave w/ our children (move out for at least 6 months) to "shock" me vs dig into recovery. He is back now but I am tired. The line was crossed. I now wonder if any amount of him digging into recovery will make a difference. Is it to late? The fact that he thinks he's doing everything and it's all my fault that we aren't making progress and there's so much stress in the home is his way of flipping his guilt onto my shoulders.
Thank you Samuel for this timely video. Lately you seem to hit the nail on the head for what BS need.
i'm sorry...
In reply to Yes- spot on. Almost 3 yrs post d-day #1 by Emswesternnort…
first of all, "lately" i've been hitting the nail on the head????? just lately???? ((kidding....kidding....)))
i would challenge him and say to him "if you're serious about healing, let's do the ems weekend." then see if he will sign you up. i would ask him to put his money where his mouth is. bible is not enough and he can't do it on his own. he needs expert help and you need expert help my friend. i would share a few challenges and ask him if he will do it. if not, well, that's a huge red flag and obviously he's not as serious as he says he is.
You are spot on. I wish my
You are spot on. I wish my UH had someone to say this to him early on. I was the one searching for books on betrayal and searching the internet for any information I could find. I found affair recovery and shared it with him. At one point I would bombard him with your video blogs. He definitely did not initiate recovery. It’s like you say, didn’t make me feel safe, loved or really wanted. Then when he would do something, I would think it’s only because I had to ask. He is now doing so much better on doing his recovery work. We took the EMSO and that was a life saver and really is when he finally “got it.”
Samuel, I am ready to give
Samuel, I am ready to give up. My husband is a narcissist and our Dday was over 2 years ago. Have you thought about making a video addressing narcissism ?
Flirted and now ruined
Ive been going to therapy but my betrayed spouse won't come with me. She claims I'm not showing initiative to fix our relationship. She is in a cycle of saying the same things over and over. I do not know how I get her out of this cycle of thinking without therapy.
Backstory: I flirted with a coworker via text and email, after therapy I realized it was just for self esteem boosting purposes. I was never physical with her, always told my spouse when we were out to dinner, did not spend every weekend or waking moment with her, never saw myself with my coworker for the long term. I stopped flirting with my coworker and even ceased speaking with her at work unless its business related.
After my spouse found these emails from 2-3 years ago and current texts said I broke her trust and ruined everything that we had for 5.5 years. She thinks our whole relationship has been a lie. We still live together but we're stuck. When I say let's get the house apprised and move forward she freaks out. I can't live like this; I'm miserable and feeling an overwhelming amount of shame for flirting.
Because that isn’t flirting,
In reply to Flirted and now ruined by Sandik
When you are in a committed relationship with someone that someone trusts you to be committed to them. Breaking that bond by emotionally committing part of yourself to someone else emotionally is still stepping outside of a marriage. Emotional affairs can be equally damaging to physical affairs for us betrayed. Lack of ability to move forward may be in part because there is a lack of real acknowledgement and ownership of the behavior. Consistent behavior between two people is building a relationship outside a marriage and isn’t harmless, it is devastating to betrayed. A spouse probably doesn’t feel like anything has been real and probably doesn’t feel like they can trust you at all. Someone has to first be honest with themself about their actions. Many many emotional affairs progress to the next level given the chance, especially with coworkers. Spending the entire day with another person then dedicating extra time, energy, affection, and attention; is a relationship and affair not flirting. Your wife might appreciate hearing ownership not denial.
Because that isn’t flirting,
In reply to Flirted and now ruined by Sandik
When you are in a committed relationship with someone that someone trusts you to be committed to them. Breaking that bond by emotionally committing part of yourself to someone else emotionally is still stepping outside of a marriage. Emotional affairs can be equally damaging to physical affairs for us betrayed. Lack of ability to move forward may be in part because there is a lack of real acknowledgement and ownership of the behavior. Consistent behavior between two people is building a relationship outside a marriage and isn’t harmless, it is devastating to betrayed. A spouse probably doesn’t feel like anything has been real and probably doesn’t feel like they can trust you at all. Someone has to first be honest with themself about their actions. Many many emotional affairs progress to the next level given the chance, especially with coworkers. Spending the entire day with another person then dedicating extra time, energy, affection, and attention; is a relationship and affair not flirting. Your wife might appreciate hearing ownership not denial.
I’m BW. We are 15 months out…
I’m BW. We are 15 months out since our first d day. 12 months from our last d day. My UH did initiate signing up for Bbotcamp, EMSO, and did look for a therapist with me. We are doing ok but I do feel that he has stopped taking initiative. He says that he’s already doing a lot. I read a lot, listen to podcast, read articles on infidelity and healing from it. He says we are stuck and I do agree. Listening to this video was an eye opener. I do want him to read more, not just articles or videos about sex or desire( that was one of the reasons he says, he was focused on in our marriage) but nothing else. How do I get him to understand and engage initiating to the next level?
Thank you for being here,…
In reply to I’m BW. We are 15 months out… by AmanT
Thank you for being here, AmanT. As a betrayed spouse, I can really relate to the things you've shared. Wanting to see our spouses initiate recovery work helps to build trust and safety and those are very natural things to want. That said, everyone gets stuck sometimes. Especially when things seem overwhelming. Recovery is hard and takes a lot of effort, as I'm sure you're well aware.
I definitely wanted my spouse to take more initiative than he was, but what I came to realize is that we had different definitions and capacities. Taking initiative to me meant something different than it did to him. I was doing ALL the things, while he would often do just ONE thing. To me, it looked like he wasn't doing enough, but to him, he was making time to add something else onto his ever expanding docket. His schedule was very full while mine was not. I had the capacity to do all the things, while his capacity was already overloaded before he even took recovery work into account. A little bit of understanding and open communication go a long way when you're both on the right track, but maybe not going the same speed. Part of that for me was making sure I communicated my appreciation to him for what he WAS doing.
Goal setting and expectation management can can also be really helpful. At the end of the day, I had to learn to focus more on my own recovery than on what my spouse was or was not doing. And this is where I reaped the most benefit and experienced the most healing.
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