Handling the Details: A Two-Part Series

Last week, we kicked off our discussion on discovery and the processing of details. Today, I’d like to continue the conversation by presenting an important fact: During disclosure after infidelity, there comes a point where more details actually hurt rather than heal. There’s such a thing as knowing too much.

Yes, knowing what happened during the affair is critical for the betrayed mate to heal, but there comes a time when they’ll have enough information to move forward. So why do they continue to ask questions after they’ve gotten the details they need, figured out what happened and wrapped their mind around the betrayal? Often, it’s because of fear.

Why the Betrayed Mate Keeps Asking Questions

We want more answers because we want to know the last date and time when we were made a fool of. We start wondering: Is it even worse than I thought? Do I have a false sense of safety? As long as your mate continues to answer your questions, it somehow makes you feel a little more safe and secure. There comes a point, however, when getting more information and detail becomes quite destructive.

Often, betrayed mates continue asking questions after they’ve already gotten enough information. They believe that more answers will help them make sense of everything; that if they just get a little more information, they’ll be able to wrap their minds around the betrayal. But, in reality, you’ll never be able to fully understand what’s happened. At some point, you have to accept that maybe you’re only going to understand about 80% of it. There will never be a good enough answer to justify what the wayward mate has done, and that’s what you’ll ultimately have to accept.

In her book* "Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken: Finding Forgiveness and Restoration," Cindy Beall gives an interesting example that she and her husband went through:

One day, she had another question. She asked it and her husband looked at her, held her hand and said: “I’ll answer any question you ask for the rest of my life, but will my answer make you feel any better?”

That one thought really caught her. She realized that he was right: The answer wouldn’t make her feel any better; the only thing it would do is tell her the day and time that she was last made a fool of. It wasn’t going to help her move forward, but it would keep her stuck. And once you begin to get the view of what happened, 70% to 80% of the time additional answers will make you feel worse.

Why Too Many Details Can Hinder Recovery

There comes a point in recovery, honestly, when you need to stop asking questions and accept that you have enough answers to begin moving forward. You have to accept that you’ll never be able to fully understand why your mate did what they did. You have to accept that they’re trying, with all their heart, to give the answers that’ll help you heal. And, eventually, you have to accept that enough is enough.

If your mate isn’t answering your questions and you’re still trying to understand what happened, that’s one thing. But if your mate is answering your questions, then I believe after about six weeks if curiosity begins to knock on the door and you want more details, you need to stop and ask yourself two things:

1. Do I need to know this? Often, the answer to this is “no.” Likely, it’s your pride convincing you that you need more details. You’re probably still looking for the last date and time when you were made a fool of. If its answer will only make you feel worse and keep you stuck, then your question is probably better left unasked.
2. Will it help me heal? Far too often, the answer to this question is also “no.” Once you’ve gotten enough information to see the picture of the affair, new details can just add to your hurt. It’s difficult, but you need to resist the urge to look for more and more details when they’re prone to cause you pain.

Remember, at a certain point, more information stops being helpful and starts becoming destructive to your healing and happiness. It can keep you stuck rotating in the first part of recovery: the realization and understanding stage. So when you’re craving more information, I urge you to pause and use the questions above as a litmus test. If both answers are “yes,” then you can confidently ask new questions knowing they’ll help you move forward; if both answers are “no,” then I urge you to table your new question. This way, you can begin moving into the next stage of recovery: Releasing your pain.

Why Comparison Questions Are Especially Damaging

As you begin to move forward and release your pain, there’s one behavior that can sabotage your efforts: Asking comparison questions. You don't want to ask a question that allows you to paint a picture in your head. Comparison questions aren’t helpful in any way, shape, form or fashion. Not only that, they’re probably the most difficult questions to ask and to answer.

Am I adequate? Am I inadequate? These comparison questions are practically guaranteed to cause pain. Additionally, questions that deal with what was said to the affair partner, sexual positions, physical attributes or things that help you paint a picture of the events are harmful to infidelity recovery. Their answers can trigger intrusive thoughts.

Comparison questions tend to draw us in because we want to see our own inadequacies. But if you resist asking comparison questions, it can significantly help your recovery. Before seeking new information, keep asking yourself: “Do I need to know this?” and, “Will it help me heal?” Again, if these answers are “no,” then you may not want to ask the new question. Likely, the new details you’re seeking won't help you move forward or heal.

How to Accept That Less Really Is More

When it comes to disclosure, I urge you to consider the possibility that less really is more. You may already understand the betrayal as well as you’re able to, and continuing to ask questions over months and months — or longer — can keep you stuck in a period of pain. And at a certain point, new details might not facilitate your healing or help you move forward — whether or not you decide to stay in the relationship. Eventually, I hope you’ll reach a place where you feel you have enough answers to truly begin healing.

With that being said, it’s challenging to get to this place. That’s why I encourage betrayed mates to enroll in our Harboring Hope online course. This restorative course will give you the tools you need to break the cycle of questioning, rebuild your confidence and begin moving forward. It’s a course specifically designed for betrayed mates by betrayed mates, and it’s helped thousands of participants over the years. For more information and to register, please visit our Harboring Hope course page. I hope you’ll use this life-changing course as a resource during your healing journey.

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