"I've been having an affair with Sandra," he told her.

Shock and disbelief flashed across her face.

"I knew it," she said, "For how long?"

"Six months," he told her. From there the questions began.

Infidelity creates a pain like no other and a disorientation that leaves the injured spouse unsure of their past, their identity, and their future.

Trying to understand what has happened after discovery of the affair is a highly emotional process. If the unfaithful spouse doesn't make it safe by disengaging from their affair partner (AP), then it will be impossible for the betrayed to feel safe with them. While that complicates matters, it doesn't mean you can't get help for your situation even if the unfaithful refuses to end the affair. Also, if you — the betrayed — can't control your potentially damaging reactions, you may not be safe enough for the unfaithful to share the information you need in order to process it all. I'm not talking about you being emotional. Emotions are expected. I'm talking about you harming your mate, the affair partner, yourself, or even your children.

To begin the process of discovery, you both need to establish the necessary boundaries to make it possible to discuss what has happened in a healthy, constructive way. So, please attempt to get the right information instead of aiming to inflict pain on each other.

Until you are able to get your mind around what happened, there is a part of you that may continue searching for information to understand your new reality. It's completely normal. Until the betrayed spouse has those answers, it's difficult, at best, to even know how to move forward. In fact, these answers play a vital role in healing after discovery. Without answers, your mind can run wild, imagining situations that may have actually never happened. But one very telling question always arises: What questions should be asked? To begin, you need to know the basic details of what happened. Below are a few helpful guidelines to provide insight for you both.

Questions for a Physical or Emotional Affair:


• Is this your first affair?
• How many others have you had?
• When did it begin?
• Was it a physical or emotional affair?
• How long were you attracted to this person before either one of you expressed feelings for the other person?
• Was the affair with someone I knew?
• Who was responsible for initiating the affair?
• What did the two of you have in common?
• How did the two of you connect?
• Was an effort made to stop?
• If so, how? Why do you think it didn't work?
• Is the other person married or in a committed relationship?
• Does the affair partner's mate know, and if so, how did they respond?
• When and where did you get together and how frequently?
• If it's a sexual addiction, when did you act out and how frequently?
• Is this person someone you've known for a while? How long had you been feeling attracted to the other person prior to the affair?
• When did the relationship first become flirtatious or something more than a safe conversation?
• When did it become sexual (if it was sexual)?
• How long did the affair last?
• If you were sexual, how many times did the two of you have sex?
• From your perspective, was the relationship more emotional or more sexual?
• How did the two of you communicate and what was the frequency?
• Was there any unprotected sex?
• Have you been tested for STDs? Are you willing to be tested for STDs?
• How much money do you think you spent on the affair?
• Did you buy your AP any gifts?
• Did your AP ever buy you any gifts?
• If they bought you gifts, what have you done with them?
• Has the affair ended? If so, how did it end? If not, will you end it or pause it?
• When was the last time the two of you had contact?
• How is this time different than other times when considered ending or tried to end the affair?
• Have you contacted your AP since you ended it to see how they are doing?
• Did you decide to end the affair, was it the AP's decision, or was it a joint decision between you and your AP?
• What makes you think this time will be different?
• What measures have you taken to make sure there will be no more contact?
• Who else knows about your affair?
• What does your AP want?
• How do you plan on responding if your AP initiates contact?
• If others know, who are they, how did they find out, and what did they do when they found out?
• Have you been giving the AP any financial support? If so, what do you intend to do as you go forward?

Questions for a Sexual Addiction:


If it is a sexual addiction, you would want to know when the behavior began after marriage (or after you started dating).

• Was this a problem for you prior to our marriage?
• Did you ever consider telling me?
• If so, what stopped you from letting me know?
• If you were acting out with other people, did I know any of them or was it anonymous sex?
• How did you hook up with those people?
• What types of acting out behaviors have you participated in?
• What is the frequency?
• How did you keep it a secret?
• Was there any unprotected sex?
• Have you ever tried to stop?
• What did you do?
• How did those efforts turn out?
• Do you feel you have a problem?
• What do you plan on doing now?
• Who else knows about your acting out behavior?
• How did they find out? What did they know?
• How did they respond?
• Have you been tested for STDs? Are you willing to be tested for STDs?
• How much money did you spend on this habit?
• When was the last time you acted out?
• When and where did you typically act out?
• Are you willing to get help?
• Are there other potential complications, such as pregnancies or other children out there?
• Are you financially supporting anyone you've ever been with?
• If you've had a look-but-don't-touch attitude in our marriage, did you ever consider telling me? Did you know how much that would hurt me and the intimacy we share? Have you ever considered stopping or getting help to stop?

Questions For One-Night Stands:


• If you've had a one-night stand, when did it occur?
• Who was it with?
• Where did you meet them?
• Where did you act out?
• Did you know the person before that night? Do I know them?
• If so, had there been any flirting before that evening?
• What happened when you were done?
• Were plans made to meet again?
• Are they married?
• Does their partner know?
• Are there any possible complications at work as a result of what you did?
• Did you have unprotected sex?
• Have you been tested for STDs? Are you willing to be tested for STDs?
• Does anyone else know?
• How did they find out?
• Have you had any further contact with that person?
• When was the last time the two of you communicated?
• If there has been communication, what were the means of communication?
• What's the frequency of communication?

I know it may sound crazy, but one thing you'll want to refrain from is asking comparison questions, such as specific questions about how they acted out sexually or what they thought of the other person's body compared to yours. Don't go there. These questions only add to the already established difficulty and will leave you with reminders, triggers, and intrusive thoughts that are hard to eliminate. It really is best to avoid asking about physical attributes, which could cause you to continually compare yourself to the affair partner. Remember, it's not an apples-to-apples comparison, and these questions don't provide relevant information. The urge to ask these types of questions will be strong. No matter what the differences are, they are not the reason for the affair. Please hear me when I say that this information has the potential to cause unnecessary difficulty in the healing process and ultimately in surviving this process altogether.

Without some understanding as to why the affair happened, it's difficult to determine whether there's hope to prevent this from happening again. However, there's a strong likelihood that your mate doesn't fully understand why it happened yet, so try not to get stuck on this question. In fact, the "why" they give at the time of initial disclosure may not even be based on reality or truth. It will take some time, and the right help, before they can answer this with any large degree of truth or accuracy. As difficult as it might be to believe, most likely your mate wasn't thinking about anything other than the fact that they wouldn't get caught. If they do share their alleged interpretation and understanding of why, they will sound like justifications until you both get a little further down the road of healing.

Making hasty decisions. You can never tell the end of the story by the beginning, which is certainly true of couples dealing with betrayal. To get the needed information, both you and your partner need to feel safe. This presents a challenge if ensuing chaos created by the discovery leaves the two of you unable to interact. It's tempting to try and stop the pain by trying to make a final decision on what to do about the marriage, but now isn't the time to make that decision. No matter what the topic is in life, your best decisions aren't made in an emotional state. Give yourself permission not to decide. Instead, commit to getting proper help. After that, you can make an informed and educated decision. Leaving your marriage may be your best course of action, but if your mate is humble and committed to change, you wouldn't be a fool to stay and be a part of the healing process. After the dust settles a bit, you may find your best opportunity for that life is in your current relationship.

Transmitting your pain. You'll find it tempting to try and make your partner hurt as badly as they've hurt you. Even though you could try, unfortunately, it won't help you feel better in the long run. In fact, you might end up hurting yourself. Pain that's not transformed will be transmitted, and the last thing you want is to transmit this pain to other innocent parties. It's not fair, and you did nothing to deserve what they've done, but hopefully, you can be the one who begins to respond in a way that heals the pain. We must give ourselves time to grieve. Betrayed partners, try not to attack your spouse for answering the questions you ask. This is critical in the discovery process and can pave the way to true and genuine healing.

Letting your emotions run unchecked. Anger is understandable, and the betrayed partner didn't deserve this. But failure to keep your anger under control leaves you both at risk. Take care of yourself by setting safe boundaries with your mate. Don't allow yourself to behave in ways that can get you in trouble with the law. Domestic violence is against the law, and even if your mate has had an affair, you need to keep your anger in check.

Refusing to get help. Betrayed spouses, you didn't cause this, and it probably seems grossly unfair for you to have to do anything to fix it, much less get help. Moving beyond this injury may require outside help, so don't let pride keep you from getting the help you need to find healing and a better life, together if possible. Don't let your desire to punish your mate keep you from the healing you desperately need. Surviving this nightmare called infidelity requires humility, rational behavior, and a decision to get needed help.

Trying to get them to "get it." It's tempting, but at this stage, it will only drive a wedge. Lecturing puts you in a parent-to-child posture, which will only inhibit further communication and frustrate both of you in the process.

Telling them what they are feeling or what their motivation was for what they've done. Telling them what they are feeling or why they did it won't allow for safe communication. If you want the information, listen to what they have to say and try to make it safe enough for them to talk to you. Remember, at this point, they probably don't even know why they've done what they've done, and if they don't know, I can assure you that you won't know. Telling them won't help the process. It will take time. It will take strategy. Please, try to be patient. Finding the right expert to help can minimize further trauma and provide much-needed direction for you and your family.