Discovery: Part 2 - Advice For The Wayward Spouse Discovery: A Four Part Series Part 1: How to Handle Discovery? Part 2: Advice for the Wayward Spouse Part 3: Guidelines for Discovery Part 4: Goals for the Betrayed Harboring Hope registration opens soon. Subscribe to be notified. Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it! Subscribe to Registration Notifications! I didn't know what to do. My wife kept asking for my affair partner's name. Initially I lied, telling her it was nobody she knew. I couldn't bear the uncontrollable chain reaction that would ensue if she discovered that it was actually a close friend at our church. "I don't believe you," she said accusingly. "Why would I lie to you?" I said. "Great question," she answered sarcastically. "I'm not lying!" I yelled in exasperation. "If you don't tell me who it is right now, we're done!" she shouted. Do I tell? All she wanted was to talk about the affair and all I wanted was to forget it. I was willing to try to salvage the marriage, but we needed to deal with our future, and she was stuck in the past. I cared, but I couldn't see how talking about it was helping. All talking seemed to accomplish was to get her upset. I felt all I could do was avoid these conversations and protect her from things that would further hurt her. But here we were once again: Do I dare tell her? Do I have to tell her? How could telling affect healing after the affair? Few things in life are more difficult than the initial stage of dealing with infidelity. The discovery stage is critical when it comes to recovery and surviving infidelity. Until the betrayed spouse understands what happened during and after the affair, they can't move on and redevelop trust. Without this understanding, the relationship may survive, but there will never be a meaningful connection and trust. So, what do you do? I hope you find these tips helpful as you try to navigate the process. Make the process safe. Discovery is a highly emotional process and requires the two of you to do what is necessary to keep the process safe. The betrayed partner will never be able to find the safety they need for this process if the offending partner doesn't first break off the relationship with the affair partner. After that, it's important to let the betrayed spouse know that they're willing to explore why they've done this and also want to understand their hurting spouse's feelings and perspective. The offending spouse might need to ask if their partner will agree not to harm themselves or others during the process. This process is highly emotional, and it can become harmful to self or others. Boundaries should be established to keep the process safe. Don't just answer the questions. Instead, go to them with information you know they want. Your willingness to voluntarily share information reveals your commitment to the process. Let them know you're not trying to hold anything back. Over time, it will disarm their fears and allow healing to begin. Answer their questions. It's impossible for the betrayed mate to redevelop trust if their partner doesn't trust them with information. Let them know you will answer all their questions but kindly ask them to be careful about the questions they ask. Suggest that they read part 4 of this series, "Goals for the Betrayed" when it comes out in two weeks. The free First Steps Bootcamp for Surviving Infidelity is a great resource as well. The bottom line is that research supports answering your mate's questions. When you trust them with the information, they can begin understanding what happened and move on to grieving the loss. This is a critical step! Betrayed spouses, I suggest you avoid asking questions that compare your marriage to what you did with your affair partner. We want to avoid comparing ourselves against the affair partner. If you aren't sure if you should ask something or not, think about it for twenty-four hours in order to decide if you truly want that information. Don't be defensive. Seek first to understand before seeking to be understood. Defensiveness is nothing more than pride. It is used to manipulate and control how others see you. Even if you are thinking about others, your primary concern is how others view you, so it is still 100% totally self-centered to be defensive. Rather than being concerned about how others see you, try to understand your partner's perspective. In the long run, all defensiveness accomplishes is creating more distance between you and your mate. If they feel you're interested in their perspective, rather than in defending your own, they will be far more likely to return the favor. Be rigorously honest. Rigorous honesty is sharing the details you don't want to share. It's bringing to light the pieces you swore you'd take to the grave. You can never be loved unconditionally if you only conditionally let others know who you are. To begin, be rigorously honest with yourself. If you can't accept where you're at, you'll never get to where you want to go. Review the patterns of your life. You may find you've been singing the same song over and over again. If good intentions haven't created change in the past, they won't work as you go forward either. Accept the fact that you may need something new to change direction. Bad marriages don't cause infidelity, bad choices do. What is it about you that caused you to make those choices? How did you justify your actions? Discovery isn't just for your betrayed mate, it's also for you! Be rigorously honest. Any deception will destroy trust all over again. Don't extend the journey by continuing to lie. Remember: you're only as sick as your secrets. The parts of the story that remain untold are the places where darkness and deception have a stronghold. If you've spent your life trying not to disappoint others, it will be difficult to let others know who you really are, but this is your best shot at being known. Be honest. Regardless of how they respond, you can at least know you're no longer robbing them of the right to make their own decision. Try to understand what it's like to live on the other side of you. Remember: discovery isn't just for your mate, it's also for you. Until you can communicate to your mate that you "get" what you've done to him or her, it's impossible for them to feel that they matter to you. Use this time to listen to your mate. If what they say is false, then discard it. If it's true, then let yourself feel the weight of it. If you don't know, then at least agree to ponder it and consider whether it may be true. At the very least try to understand what your actions cost your mate. Do what you can to help them heal. If you created this mess, why wouldn't you do what you can to help your spouse heal? Part of their healing after an affair is simply getting answers to all their questions. Let them know, daily, that you appreciate that they are still with you and working through this process. A big piece of surviving infidelity, and building a healthy marriage, is selflessly helping your mate. The trauma created by your betrayal may create emotional flooding. Try to get your mate to agree to a 'time out' protocol where either of you can ask for a thirty-minute time out to let things cool down. It's impossible to be rational when we are flooded emotionally. Rather than letting emotions and actions get out of control, which can make things worse, agree to take a break to protect your relationship. Take responsibility for your own healing. Your mate seeing you take responsibility for your own healing after the affair will facilitate discovery. It is difficult for your mate to ask you questions if they fear they will push you back to an old lifestyle. On the other hand, if they see you getting help apart from them, it will make it safe enough for them to risk asking the hard questions. It will also provide you with support as you walk through the emotional instability created by discovery. One goal of recovery is to learn how to have rational conversations rather than just falling into emotional conversations. When the two of you learn how to rationally process what happened, you can begin coming up with ways to keep it from reoccurring. As the unfaithful spouse, if you're having trouble navigating discovery, or any other aspect of the recovery process, I'd like to ask you to consider enrolling in our course designed just for you: Hope for Healing. This thirteen-week course will not only provide you with critical support in your recovery, but also with infidelity-specific insight into what the future can look like for you and your marriage. I hope you'll give the course a shot. It just may change your life! Registration for Harboring Hope Opens TODAY at Noon CT! You don't have to do this alone! Join other betrayed mates on the path to healing with our life-changing Harboring Hope online course. With Harboring Hope, learn how to weather the pitfalls and hardships following infidelity and start a better, brighter chapter. "I just completed the Harboring Hope program. My husband was unfaithful to me emotionally, physically and sexually with a co-worker. What I wished I would've known is that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. People who refuse to forgive can never live their own lives, they are too busy obsessing about the life of the one who hurt them. They are stuck. They are unable to enjoy friends, family or even their children. They imprison themselves in a bondage of their own making. I definitely recommend the Harboring Hope program as a support for healing. To be in a safe community with other women who know what you're going through and how you're feeling is comforting. Whether you're able to reconcile or not, there is hope." - M., Michigan | HH Participant, April 2021. Space is limited! Use the button below to learn more about Harboring Hope and enroll in this restorative course. Register For Harboring Hope! Harboring Hope registration opens soon. Subscribe to be notified. Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it! Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: For the Unfaithful SpouseHandling DiscoverySafety in RecoveryRL_Media Type: Text
