Recovery Work: What Is It and What Does It Look Like?

Let’s talk today about recovery work, what it looks like, and why it’s so darn important.

I’m going to give it to you straight…I’m going to assume if you’re reading this article or watching this video, that either you, or your partner, pulled a pin, and tossed a grenade into your life. You’re standing in the rubble, assessing the damage, wishing, hoping, praying, this was all just a nightmare. I’ve been there….and I know…. It’s a living hell.

The crushing reality is that the trauma that has been caused by infidelity isn’t just a jail sentence that we can just wait out until the crippling pain and anger subside.

The passing of time, in itself, isn’t enough to combat the magnitude of what we’re dealing with here. It’s about what we choose to do with the time that is going to make all the difference in our future. Time does not heal all wounds.

I’d like to begin by speaking to those of you that have been betrayed. I understand how brutally unjust this feels. You didn’t create the problem, so why should you have to be the one to fix it? Here is why; Your healing is your responsibility. It doesn’t matter how sorry your partner is or isn’t. They can’t fix this for you.

Now I hear you, “But Candace, I don’t know if I want to stay in my marriage”, “But Candace, I already filed for divorce.”

Please hear me when I say that in order to get to the other side, you still need to do recovery work, regardless of the status of your marriage.

Now, AR believes there are 3 recoveries. There’s yours, your partner’s, and then, the potential recovery of your marriage.

But Candace, “My partner isn’t willing to get into a recovery program. Maybe I should just wait for them?”

For both sides: Absolutely not and here’s why: They might change their minds when they get home from work tonight, they might change their minds in a month, in a year, or never. I know that’s incredibly hard to hear.

But the sooner you start recovery work, the sooner you are going to get to the other side…With them or without them. If anything, they might see the progress you’re making and be like, “Hey, I want to get on this healing bus.”

Okay, so what does recovery work look like? At Affair Recovery, It looks like starting with the Free First Steps Bootcamp or signing up for a course via our website.

I want to address a question today that we get asked pretty frequently here at Affair Recovery: “Should we take a couple’s course together first, or do individual courses first?”

I’m so glad you asked!

If both partners are willing to begin recovery work at the same time: Please, Run! Don’t walk! Sign up for an EMS Weekend | Affair Recovery, or for our Emergency Marital Seminar Online | Affair Recovery.

Speaking of urgency, my husband sent me this quote and I absolutely love it: “If you’re going to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s ark, and brother, it’s starting to rain.”

I’d implore you to fight! Fight like your marriage depends on it because, news flash- It does!

Now If just one of you is willing to get into a recovery program, or if you’ve already attended our Weekend, or taken our EMS Online, we have our Harboring Hope Course for the Betrayed and our Hope for Healing Course for the Unfaithful. Details about these courses can easily be found on our website.

I think we can all agree, when we’re going through hell, the last thing we want to do is set up camp there. So, how do we avoid a hellacious never ending camp out?

We get into community with others who are in our same boat.

When you sign up for one of our courses, you will be placed into a small group. Will everyone’s boat look exactly the same? Maybe not, but we’re all trying to row in the same direction and I can assure you, we are stronger together.

The members of your small group are there to support you as your Group Leader guides you along this trek and gives you the road maps and tools that were created by therapists who specialize in Infidelity trauma.

Speaking of that trek, which we compassionately refer to as your recovery journey; I am going to admit something wildly unpopular.

I personally hate everything about hiking. So when I heard that the recovery mountain will look steeper and longer if I try to go it alone, I was like, “heck no!”. I want to climb that mountain with people who understand exactly what I’m going through.

I want to show up to that hike with my baggage, saggage, drama, and trauma; Knowing that my group members are going to show up with theirs too.... and we’re going to get through this together.

On a personal note, My husband and I started EMS Online exactly three years ago this month. I was 99% sure we were going to divorce, but that 1% was screaming loud enough for me to commit to a 13 week course.

Was I nervous? Yes. Did it cross my mind that we might have the most horrific story in the group? Yes. Did we? That’s a story for another day…

I want to take a minute to tell you how awesome our EMS Online group is. It’s important to note: I said “is”... not “was”…That’s because three years later, we still meet! They might have started off as complete strangers, but these people quickly became my treasured confidants.

Please know, you don’t have to go it alone. You can call us, email us, you can even make an appointment to speak with an AR Guide to learn more about the courses we offer and how we can help. I speak from experience when I say, there ARE brighter days ahead. We understand what you are going through and we are here to support you.

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-D, Texas