"That's not quite fair,"
the pig responded,
"For you, it's just a contribution,
but for me it's everything."

From the beginning, I tell people this process will take anywhere from 18-24 months and for some, it might even take longer.

Will we choose to stay married?

Infidelity shatters the vows we once made and leaves us adrift with no sure direction. What is the nature of our relationship? Do I choose to love you "till death do us part," or am I going to have nothing to do with you? Are we trying to restore the old marriage or build a new one from the ground up? Can I ever fully give myself to you again? Can I afford to give you the opportunity to hurt me again? To say the least, recommitting is difficult and uncertain, but when the right process is utilized and the right heart-approach is applied, it is well worth the effort.

Failing to take the final step of recommitting themselves to the marriage can leave couples stuck (and miserable) for decades. Couples can remain "emotionally divorced" while still living in a sham of a marriage. They settle for something neither of them wants. Additionally, without a vision for recovery and without a true example, many couples wrongly assume that a sham of a marriage is all they can hope for, so they better accept it.

In Western culture, marriages are not arranged; they are based on decisions made by both parties as they choose to share their lives one with another. Vows are made, expressing love and the intent to be faithful. Once these vows are broken, what is the nature of the relationship based on?

In the beginning stages of recovery, it's difficult to know. Both parties are confused and hurting, and don't know if they can ever trust their mate. The betrayed spouse questions whether or not their mate is willing to do the necessary work to prevent this from happening again. They somehow have to determine whether they matter to their mate and if they could ever feel safe with them again. They will ultimately have to grieve the pain and forgive the offense before they can even see positive traits in their mate.

The wayward spouse worries about whether their mate can ever forgive them. Oftentimes, they fear that this will be held over their head for the remainder of their life and they may never escape the shadow of their selfishness. Love is called into question. Everything that was previously built is called into question. Feelings for their mate frequently disappear and doubts arise as to whether love could ever return. You can understand why it takes time for both parties to feel secure enough in their progress to begin considering recommitment. Some never make it this far as many of you know, but my experience is that if a couple does make through to the end without either of them throwing in the towel, then they have the incredible potential of living (truly living) life together again.

Willingness to Recommit:
A True Story

Years ago, at one of our first EMS Weekends, there was a Texan couple whose husband had multiple affairs with women at work. Somehow, his wife found the grace to at least explore the possibility of saving their marriage, but the thought of his continuing to work with his affair partners was more than she could handle. He was of the same mind and desperate to leave the current job, and he immediately begin searching for a new position. He finally found employment with a company in New York that allowed them to stay in Texas.

After he was hired, the company said he'd begin his employment with a four-week training in New York City. He asked his supervisor if the company would consider flying his wife to NYC in order to spend some time with him while he was away from home for so long. The supervisor said that was, unfortunately, against company policy. He kindly told his supervisor this was really important to him. When the supervisor asked why, the man told the truth. He told him he had cheated on his wife during his previous job and expressed concern about being separated from her for so long, both for her sake and also for his. It was all still so fresh. His supervisor said he'd have to check with the boss and left the room to call the CEO. The poor man's anxiety went through the stratosphere as he waited for his boss's return. What have I done? Are they going to see me as a liability and let me go before I even have a chance to prove myself? How will I tell myself I messed this up?

There was a welcomed sigh of relief the moment he saw his supervisor enter the room with a smile on his face. He said, "Not only has the CEO approved the trip for your wife, but he wants to rent a limousine for the two of you to explore New York City for an entire day!"

On this day-long date in NYC, the husband took his wife to ground zero, the site of the terrorist attacks on 9/11. There, he got down on his knees, drew a new ring out of his pocket, told his wife that his failure in their marriage had the same effect as the terrorists who flew planes into the twin towers. He told her that he certainly understood if she didn't feel it was possible for her to do this again, but that he wanted nothing more than to build a new life together – again. She said, "Yes." At that moment, the couple moved from barely surviving infidelity to a new and powerful recommitment.

If your recovery has allowed you to find a new respect and appreciation for your mate, but you still feel stuck, you might be struggling because the relationship has never been redefined.

It's my experience that certain questions must be answered:

What are we and who are we?
Are we happy with just surviving infidelity, or do we want something greater?
Action Task: Begin to consider—what are we doing and are we ready to recommit in our journey together? Are both of us willing to put in everything we’ve got? Do any barriers remain?

Here are some tips on overcoming the barriers to recommitment:

Again, I want to say this is not for those of you in the beginning stages of recovery. This is for those couples who've been walking the path for at least 12 to 18 months and are ready to take the next step.

1. Seek Community: Talk with other couples who are three to four years down the line in their recovery from infidelity. Find out from them, specifically, what's worked and what hasn't worked. How did they work through the issues of recommitment? What's been helpful for them?
2. Consider Whether You're Willing to Be "All In": What do you need in order to get to that point? What are your barriers to doing those things? How would you do differently if you wanted to come to that point?
3. Explore Symbolism: Consider getting new rings to symbolize the new relationship. Set up a ritual that puts a mark in the sand, a stake in time. You might even want to consider a ceremony to renew your vows.
4. Safety and Forgiveness: Demonstrate recommitment through actions for a safe relationship. Allow the betrayed spouse to be the one who invites the mate back in for recommitment. Pray for guidance on recommitment.