Your shared story sounds very familiar. I too was the cheater, and I have admitted to this every chance I get, including to 5 different marriage counselors, and individual counselors, and my wife's counselor, and her entire extended family, 25 individuals, in person. Everyone of the counselors I have confessed to have ultimately told me that they have never experienced a cheating husband client prostrate himself so severely for what he has done. And everyone of my counselors have in the end told me that their best advice is to just get out of the marriage. I cannot do this, I will not do this, I know terribly well how wrong it is for what I did, and how deeply I have hurt my beautiful wife. But I will not leave her, I will not give up on our marriage.

I acknowledge what I did to my wife almost every day, multiple times, for now going on 2 1/2 years. My wife very often tells me that she will never get past what I did no matter what I do or say to make repairs. I have never been sworn at or cursed at in my life until now. One of her favorite statements is to tell me that I am an Effing A-hole Bastard Coward and that I must got to H E double toothpicks, followed with multiple FUs before she goes to her room, sobbing. I have had to make major repairs on the same door four times now after she slams the door. I apologize for something every day in response to my wife's angry demands. I am still so often wrong for almost everything I do or say, or don't do or don't say. I apologize for various "offenses" so often that I don't even know what I am apologizing for. And if I don't apologize to my wife's satisfaction she literally conducts a training exercise to teach me how to make a proper apology. I have literally apologized for the same thing six times or more in the heat of her anger and still not apologized to her satisfaction. This behavior did NOT just begin AFTER I was caught. This is the part that my beautiful wife will never realize or reflect upon.

I have disclosed everything. And I am doing everything I can think of and much more to show her how much I love her and need her. When she Will allow me, I laid beside her at night, on top of the covers, and give her a back massage and a head massage for two hours or more into the early morning, just to help her fall asleep. And if I stop and try to leave to return to my apartment, she jumps up and yells that she wasn't even asleep yet, and that I am only being selfish by trying to leave, even as I can barely stay awake. The verbal and emotional attacks happen almost every day, and usually late at night when she can't sleep because of what I did. She will start calling me at midnight, sobbing, and raging, then hang up. And a minute later, call back to rage some more for a minute, and then hang up, and then call again in a minute later to repeat what she just said in the last call, and hang up. This can go on and on for an hour or more.

I am so exhausted, and I know that she is even more exhausted. I just don't know what to do to prove my love to her. We physically separated three months ago by her insistence that this is the only way she could heal, however, the daily and nightly emotional beatings are worse than ever, and strangely, I still spend a lot of time at our home to help her with the things I normally do, and, to very actively help take care of her frail mother who lives with us. Her mother sees and hears almost everything, and she is so bewildered that her daughter punishes me the way she does, and that her daughter is making no effort to regulate her own emotions and anger, or make any gesture of any kind to show that she also wants us to recover. My mother-in-law has literally told me that if her daughter and I do get divorced that she wants to go with me! This is just incredible.

My wife threatens divorce, almost daily, but she doesn't pull the trigger, as she frequently refers to it. Everything I have read and been told says that threatening divorce is one of the worst things you can do in a marriage, even under the circumstances I am in. All of my counselors, all five of them, because my wife insists that I fire them one-by-one when she thinks they are not telling me what I really need to learn in order to save our marriage. My wife insists over and over that I am absolutely not doing the work to figure out why I did what I did. She yells that we will never recover unless I do the work. All of my counselors have described my wife's behavior toward me as narcissistic rage, and narcissistic injury, and an insatiable need for "Supply" to maintain her anger at me. And they have told me that it was not my infidelity that caused all of these traits to emerge. I know my message could easily sound defensive, as if I am not guilty at all, and that I am in denial, as my wife tells me all the time. This is absolutely not the case, I have fully acknowledged what I did, I have apologized profusely, I have done everything possible to make amends. And believe it or not, my wife has told me several times that she still loves me, that she will always love me. She has even initiated intimacy several times over the last two years, though, there is absolutely no kissing or hugging or holding hands. I can't begin to describe how these boundaries she has set feels in the middle of intimacy. I am ashamed to say that it feels as though I am assaulting my wife in the middle of intimacy, even as she is the one who initiated. She pulls away from me every time I get close, and she always walks a step or two ahead of me. And on top of everything else, this nightmare has cost me over $40,000 for an apartment and things she insists I owe her for.

I do not want to lose my beautiful wife, yet, I have no idea how to keep her, how to win her back. I have come to wonder if she effectively enjoys the rage and drama too much to ever consider how her behavior is preventing us from moving forward, even in tiny steps. I am brokenhearted as well because of what I did, and I know what I did, and why I did it, and without going into all the details here, the reasons why I did what I did we're out of depression from years of zero reciprocal affection, and desperation to just have someone to talk to who would speak to me in a normal tone of voice, in a normal, married, type of conversation. There was absolutely no romantic interest of any kind in my emotional affair. It was truly only for conversation to feel normal and seen. I know that saying this easily sounds defensive and ignorant, but if you can read between the lines in my message, I am still as desperate as ever just to have someone to talk to.

I am filled with regret and shame, and I am absolutely certain that I would never repeat what I did, but needless to say, my wife, and her own counselor refuse to believe that I would never repeat my terrible choices. They insist on the cliché, once a cheater, always a cheater. But I have learned from my numerous counselors and a lot of research, that this is not always necessarily true. There are many possible reasons for emotional affairs, and their most certainly can be genuine, commitment to never letting it happen again. I believe that in many cases, it comes down to being seen.

Hi, your comment really resonates with me so I was wondering if you were feeling better four years later and what worked to help you feel better. I’m a little over a year past D day, and my husband has put in so much hard work. But I am consumed with rage toward the affair partner. They worked together, and she knew me and our children. I confronted both of them with my suspicions after I found them communicating late at night, and was completely lied to, and the affair continued for years. I want her to feel the hurt she’s caused so many. I have read articles about how revenge is not up to me, but it consumes me. Feels like it would make me feel better.