When the pain is intense and life is undone, the process of recovery can seem as slow as pouring thick molasses on a cold winter day! Actions can be taken that help facilitate healing, but it still takes time. It is immensely helpful to lay out the timeline, although hypothetical, for what healing looks like. Each couple travels through this process at their own pace, but this will give a general rule of thumb. Also, as you look at the timeline, don't get discouraged. The intensity of the pain and the frequency of the intrusive thoughts should subside over time. The following diagram reflects the stages of the recovery process.

In a perfect world, and I'm afraid we are far too complex to let that happen, here are the general timelines for a couple's recovery.

The Discovery Stage: 0 to 6 weeks

This stage is frequently characterized by shock and emotional instability. Hopefully, by the end of 6 weeks, the story has been told. During the discovery stage, the couple tries to establish "WHAT" has happened. Until this initial stage is completed it's almost impossible for the couple to move forward. If this stage takes longer than 6 weeks, then it becomes more difficult for the hurt spouse to redevelop trust. Once this task is complete, it's possible to move forward in the recovery process.

The Reaction Stage: 6 weeks

During the first 6 weeks, multiple tasks have to be completed in order for both parties to feel safe about continuing in the relationship. The hurt spouse needs to feel that their mate cares. This is done through the development of empathy and a willingness to explore the reality of why this has happened. A shared understanding of "why" needs to be established before moving forward. Both parties have to learn how to regulate the emotions generated by the affair. Both need to be grieving the loss, and the wayward spouse should be pursuing whatever actions are necessary to assure they don't put their mate at risk of being hurt again.

The Release Stage: 6 Months

This stage is characterized by forgiveness which opens up the door for reconciliation. By this time, both parties have a better understanding of "why" this happened, and hopefully the wayward mate's personal pursuit of healing provides the hurt spouse assurance about their commitment to the marriage.

The Recommitment Stage: 12 to 18 months

During this stage, the couple makes a conscious decision to move past the affair. The traumatic event brought new meaning to the couple, but it won't define them going forward. Their ability to deal with the adversity created by the infidelity and to move through it can set them on a course for creating new meaning and significance in the relationship.

Do not allow the idea of recovery taking 18 months to put you in a downward spiral of fear and worry. If you're on the right path, you'll experience a much-improved marriage long before 18 months! This process is about progress before perfection...and practice makes progress.

If, for some reason, you feel stuck and are way off on this timeline, consider our courses as they can be what you need individually or as a couple to get you on track. Progressing through this timeline is not based so much on time but on your willingness to take action and ownership within your healing journey. If you're unsure about where to start, reach out to someone on our team who can assist you in discovering your next step.

Regardless of where you are on the timeline, we believe tomorrow can be better and are here to support you along the way.