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Affair Recovery Timeline for Healing After Betrayal

When the pain is intense and life is undone, the process of recovery can seem as slow as pouring thick molasses on a cold winter day! Actions can be taken that help facilitate healing, but it still takes time. It is immensely helpful to lay out the timeline, although hypothetical, for what healing looks like. Each couple travels through this process at their own pace, but this will give a general rule of thumb. Also, as you look at the timeline, don't get discouraged. The intensity of the pain and the frequency of the intrusive thoughts should subside over time. The following diagram reflects the stages of the recovery process.

In a perfect world, and I'm afraid we are far too complex to let that happen, here are the general timelines for a couple's recovery.

The Discovery Stage: 0 to 6 weeks

This stage is frequently characterized by shock and emotional instability. Hopefully, by the end of 6 weeks, the story has been told. During the discovery stage, the couple tries to establish "WHAT" has happened. Until this initial stage is completed it's almost impossible for the couple to move forward. If this stage takes longer than 6 weeks, then it becomes more difficult for the hurt spouse to redevelop trust. Once this task is complete, it's possible to move forward in the recovery process.

The Reaction Stage: 6 weeks

During the first 6 weeks, multiple tasks have to be completed in order for both parties to feel safe about continuing in the relationship. The hurt spouse needs to feel that their mate cares. This is done through the development of empathy and a willingness to explore the reality of why this has happened. A shared understanding of "why" needs to be established before moving forward. Both parties have to learn how to regulate the emotions generated by the affair. Both need to be grieving the loss, and the wayward spouse should be pursuing whatever actions are necessary to assure they don't put their mate at risk of being hurt again.

The Release Stage: 6 Months

This stage is characterized by forgiveness which opens up the door for reconciliation. By this time, both parties have a better understanding of "why" this happened, and hopefully the wayward mate's personal pursuit of healing provides the hurt spouse assurance about their commitment to the marriage.

The Recommitment Stage: 12 to 18 months

During this stage, the couple makes a conscious decision to move past the affair. The traumatic event brought new meaning to the couple, but it won't define them going forward. Their ability to deal with the adversity created by the infidelity and to move through it can set them on a course for creating new meaning and significance in the relationship.

Do not allow the idea of recovery taking 18 months to put you in a downward spiral of fear and worry. If you're on the right path, you'll experience a much-improved marriage long before 18 months! This process is about progress before perfection...and practice makes progress.

If, for some reason, you feel stuck and are way off on this timeline, consider our courses as they can be what you need individually or as a couple to get you on track. Progressing through this timeline is not based so much on time but on your willingness to take action and ownership within your healing journey. If you're unsure about where to start, reach out to someone on our team who can assist you in discovering your next step.

Regardless of where you are on the timeline, we believe tomorrow can be better and are here to support you along the way.

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Wife won't admit affair

Submitted by Jeffro707 (not verified) on Sat, 06/30/2018 - 19:17

So my wife and I separated February 10 so we could work on somethings and have space, we've been together for 17 years and married for 10. She fed me a bunch of stuff about how it will make us stronger as a couple and as a family, that we would go on atleast 2 dates a month, atleast 2. I find out 2 months after we split from a secret credit card that she rented airbnbs 2 weeks after we separated. 4 in total to my knowledge every weekend in march when she blew me off and I had our kids for our current custody. How do I heal myself when she won't admit the affair, says they just met during our separation. Her story changed 5 times now on when they met. It dates back to the middle of last year sometime I think. Everything makes perfect sense. I know, my kids know, her family knows, her friends all see it. She has blameshifted and gas lighting me and told hundreds of lies. Says everything is my fault, I know it isn't.But she still will not admit anything to me. How do I heal if she won't admit?

are marriages more at risk to dissolve in the first 6 weeks?

Submitted by Roren72 on Thu, 08/16/2018 - 11:29

I am a newly betrayed, having been told by my wife that she's been seeing another man for the past several months. She told me this 6 days ago. I have read several articles on this website (thank you, I'm learning so much and it has kept me sane during this incredibly painful time). One of the articles spoke to the roles of serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine in keeping the unfaithful in the relationship with the AP. So, I know that she's "high" and "addicted" to this person right now, and I'm not desirable at all. Given that, isn't she (or any other newly unfaithful) more likely to leave there marriage and be less interested in progressing to any recovery, since they think they are happy with the AP?

Gaslighting

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 11/14/2018 - 20:29

My husband And I we’re highschool sweethearts. After 18 years of marriages and 4 children. We ran into each other. We have not been apart since.
His ex cheated on him. As a devout catholic and was hurt by his ex wife’s actions. he preached fidelity. I had rough marriages prior to John.
I still opened my heart and gave him all my trust. We do a lot of charity work through costuming. We had a new seamstress. I had no issues with this. I was sure he was a true man. I went to visit family one weekend. When I got home. I asked him a simple question about a costume. His answer or more the feeling I got from his normal answers struck me the wrong way. I started thinking questionable thoughts. I started to feel uncomfortable with this woman. I let John know. For the next 6 to 8 months he proceeded to tell me I was going crazy. That I needed medication. He went as far a getting the children to be angry at me for thinking that a man who loves us would do anything to hurt us.
He left me standing in the kitchen crying as he said he will not give her up, she was the best seamstress. Left and went there.
I would talk to him about it and eventually he started to let things slip. I would catch it. He was telling her how I felt. I was so embarrassed.
So. I decided that maybe he is right. I told him I was going there with him next time to be fitted for my own outfit. That I will meet her and see for myself. He was nervous but arrogant. What I saw was 2 people who were close. Little actions here and there. I told her that I knew about John confiding to her how I was feeling. She was nervous.
That coming weekend John was working. I decided to go have a fitting by myself. He was aware. He was fine with it. I was there for over 2 hours. This woman told me everything. Like it was nothing. Stating that she told John to tell me. That it was a mistake. The nicer I was to her the more she opened up.
I went home and messaged John asking him to come home early if he could. I needed to speak to him. He asked what was going on and that was confused? I said “ No you are not”
He was confident that she wouldn’t tell me. He was shocked. Then went ahead to tell me it was just a kiss, a mistake that he was embarrassed and that’s why he didn’t want me to know. I can not for a moment believe that it was a one time accident. He said he thought that if he just pretended that it didn’t happen it would be fine.
I’m sorry I know this is long winded. I haven’t gotten these words out like this to anyone. He will not disclose information that I feel that I need to heal. No trust. Little more information gets trickled out here and there. That shows me there’s more. The most horrible thing is, since the day of discovery, 6 months later we lost our son. I’m dying inside. He states that a horrible thing has happened to ur family so I should put his indiscretions in the past. To forget it because something worse has happened. I need help. Please.

But what happens when.....

Submitted by DutchConfused (not verified) on Mon, 09/02/2019 - 17:34

But what happens to the timeline when you have no real answers? My husband started taking drugs 6 months before the biggest D Day (yes, I've had many D-Days) and can't remember much. I found out 4 months ago that he'd had sex with two prostitutes when I went to pay the bills and there was no money left. That's when I learned about the drugs too, given to him by a "friend". He's 46, he'd never touched a drug before in his life. But suddenly ended up working away with a group of woman objectifying, drug taking, horrible people. That was the major D-Day. Since then it's been wave after wave of "discoveries" from phone records, discoveries while changing email addresses and bills coming in. Tons of hookup sites, flirty texts with other women, other failed attempts to hire prostitutes, secret "friends", Tinder, Facebook, Kik and an ocean of porn. My last discovery was a week and a half ago that he had subscribed to and paid for a Dutch Ashley Madison style site for married people to cheat and had been sexting with a woman in our home on Christmas eve while I was in bed. Every time I try to move forward I get hit with something new and end up back at square one. He can't tell me anything and looks shocked at whatever new horror I present to him. But I will never get full disclosure from a black out husband. I just keep finding things when I least expect it. I feel like my life now mostly exists of me being in a state of shock. It should be our 10 year anniversary in 2 weeks. I had been planning a huge party and fun things all while this was going on behind my back. He was home 3.5 days a week and away the other 3.5. (He's now commuting long distances to be home ever night) We always had an amazing marriage, were best friends and had a fantastic sex life until October last year when it was like he dropped off the face of the planet. We'd still have sex at home but suddenly when he was away he lost all interest in phone sex, sending pictures, everything. And when he was home he was mostly asleep or glued to texting on his phone. We went from total connection to zero. When he was away it felt like he was just trying to get rid of me on the phone every evening. And I later discovered he really was trying to get rid of me so he could flirt with other women and pursue prostitutes. I feel like I'm going crazy. That is not the guy I married. He's acting normal again now but all the trust is gone. I don't look at him the same way even though he says he feels normal again. What we had is gone. I discovered the first wave of dodgy messages to other women (groupies, he works in entertainment) on 2nd February (7 months ago). I freaked out then and he looked me in the eye and promised he'd never hurt me again. And then for the next two months continued contacting these women and escalating to prostitutes. I don't know how to trust again after that. It doesn't help that we have been through two marriage councillors both who tried to press hard for details about the show and the people involved like they were more interested in juicy gossip about famous people rather than helping. The next closest therapist is 2.5 hours away from us and not available for 6 months. So I'm stuck and losing my reason.

Timeline

Submitted by Laura betrayed ... (not verified) on Wed, 10/09/2019 - 14:38

This looks like it was written by a wayward spouse. This is not been my experience in any of the groups I’ve been in. Timeline is more like 2 to 5 years, and that’s with people in recovery with therapy.

Infidelity

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 10/10/2019 - 03:51

My husband has had many affairs on me. I know of 3 only, he said I only know of the three. Insinuating that there were more. We have been separated for about 2 1/2 years now, he is living with his mistress during this time. He once told me there was no hope to our marriage, but he continues to stall putting his marriage settlement agreement into my attorneys office. He has been stalling for over 6 months now. I don't understand why he keeps stalling. He has put me through so much. We got back together for about six months, and again he went back to the mistress. He has asked me for a divorce twice, but never does anything about it. I'm the one who has filed, because he chose his mistress over me, his wife. A little back ground. My husband has been married three times and cheated on all three wife's, I'm his third wife. I'm so perplexed as to why he won't move forward. I do know his mistress want to get married as soon as the divorce is done. Also a little more info, My husband is 60 so am I, he left me for his mistress who is now 73. Please help me figure this out it is torture, being the estranged wife waiting for a divorce for a total of 3 years now, and he won't give it to me. I can't afford to move forward financially right now that is why it would be so much affordable if he would just put in his Marriage settlement Proposal. Can you help me figure this out?

My husband had an affair for

Submitted by Elsa (not verified) on Mon, 10/14/2019 - 05:44

My husband had an affair for 1,5 year. It is our second marriage and we were married only 9,5 years when he started the affair. When he wanted out she did not want to let him go and threatened to tell his family. He tried to change her mind and that stretched the affair to 1,5 year.She told me, my kids, some colleagues and friends 1,5 years ago. That was the day that my world fell apart. It was so unexpected.We had a very loving, happy, fulfilled marriage and I never thought he would ever do this to me.We have watched the AR videos, went to a marriage enrichment weekend and after 1,5 years I have to say we are on the way to be happy again.To think that for 1,5 years he lived a double life. That he loves me, never wanted to leave me, and was scared to death that it would come out. I fear that the shock and pain of that day will never leave me. When I found out I landed in hospital with a blood clot, broke out in a skin rash and had to get depression meds and see a professional to get over the PTSD. TI I still look at him thinking how could you do that to me. He is the most caring, loving husband I could wish for and I do not understand why he ever needed more. It broke my spirit, my heart, my self confidence, my life. I got up and I do not want to loose him. He has done everything right to show that he has remorse and I believe him. Will I ever feel normal again. I am trying to look normal and act normal but my mind still turns this over and over in my head, daily. Will that eventually go away? Forgiveness is given, I love him, I don't want us to get a divorce and we are doing well, thanks to God, but the disappointment and unbelief will never be erased.

10 days out from d-day exposure

Submitted by mellie4187 on Thu, 10/24/2019 - 15:29

I’m on day 11 of discovering what my spouse of 5 years did. He had an affair with a woman at work for a year. His given me disclosure but I’ve had to dig quite a bit. I asked him if I hadn’t found out on his texting habits to her, (and other women!), would he have ever told me? He said no. I get that. Not only am I raw, in immense pain, and barely able to function as a mother, I’m looking for advice on self-care. I made my own personal therapist appt next week. He states he believes in us and wants to figure this out so we end up together, healthier, happier, after we do the work individually. I want that too. I’m just struggling with the day to day stuff, even functioning. I just started an anti depressant a week ago and I’ve noticed it does help lift me. My quick reaction to find my happy place with him is unrealistic. To wipe it away. The work has to be done and we both know that. I guess I’m trying to figure out how to give space to that as we were also best friends and communicated everyday. Any tips would be appreciated. Thank you

I was cheated on

Submitted by Aexia (not verified) on Mon, 10/12/2020 - 13:58

How am I supposed to cope with something that's been going on for 2 whole months and you find out that your boyfriend or husband cheated on you and told everyone else what he did but didn't tell you, you found out on your own 1 day after your 1 year being together. As of right now I'm very confused and I don't think I'll be able to get passed this hurt

Multiple affairs

Submitted by christine422 on Mon, 01/04/2021 - 10:12

We are almost to 2 years since D day. He hasn't had any contact with the AP and has been going to counseling weekly since the beginning. He is working very hard but this is the 3rd affair he has had in our 25 year marriage. The first one was a couple of one night stands, the second one was 9 months long and was mostly an emotional affair with some physical interactions and the last one was 1 1/2 years and was both emotional and physical. I found out about the first one after d day for the third one. I had forgiven him completely after the second one and felt like we were in a much better place. The third one completely knocked me off my feet and I don't feel like I've really been able to get back up, even with all of the work that he's doing. I'm not sure what to do, I still feel so lost.

Prostitutes

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 02/11/2021 - 19:49

My partner had sex with 10 prostitutes over 2 years. We have been together 11 years and have children.
I found out 6 months ago but don’t feel any better at all.
I feel stuck and I don’t know where to turn. One minute we are ok and the next I can’t stand to be around him. We are in therapy but I don’t feel like it’s helping anymore.

I reached out to AP

Submitted by manpin52 on Tue, 03/09/2021 - 12:10

After being in recovery for 8 months I failed and reached out to AP like a fool. Now my husband has found out I was talking to him for 3 months we were almost going to be a year out on recovery. I am completely sorry last time I was going with the motions didn't see the harm I caused my husband this time I am completely aware of his pain. We are now living in separate rooms he was merciful enough to let me back in the house. I am wondering if the timeline is the same for a failure like mine. I love this man with all my heart and it's hard to imagine going on a year without any connection to him as we are now just roommates he told me. Basically I am looking for some hope and guidance as to what I can do to help him heal.

How much time

Submitted by JustMeagain (not verified) on Wed, 07/14/2021 - 09:20

How much time per day or per week is logical to spend on recovery work? For me the betrayed it is on my mind 24/7, I want healing NOW. I want to work on it all the time and figure out how to make this pain stop. For him he thinks 3 to 4 days a week at night? It seems like no matter how many videos we watch, no matter how many books we read it doesn't end. Our situation cannot be tracked with an app in his phone, or me looking at his email or bank statements. Affairs are easily had with no phone, hiding everything, hiding porn magazines, using work computers, buying another phone, and his eyes looking at other women. All things that cannot be seen or tracked using an app and where healing has brought us to a stand still. He works at the usps, where women are all over the mail and inappropriate. Joggers all over the roads and I feel hopeless.

TImeline at 3 years and still have a long way to go

Submitted by Paulette on Fri, 03/04/2022 - 09:43

At 36 years into marriage (a year after I retired) I found out he had been cheating on and off for the last 26 years! He began cheating in 1993 and was regularly (3 or more times a week) having intercourse with a close friend's wife for almost 8 years. (He is also an alcoholic.) Then because of moving and change of employment, he wrote, texted, phoned her for another 20 years! Meanwhile, he had multiple "emotional" affairs without sex, with co-workers where he texted asking for photos and often said he loved and missed them. Sometimes he texted them when sitting in the same room with me. All this was discovered when I picked up his cell phone and it was still open in a conversation with a co-worker. I tried Harboring Hope and made some wonderful friends. We attended EMS weekend after the initial 6 month separation after D-day. At that time I was frustrated that there was no "why." We are both still in counseling. The timeline is completely wrong for us, although it took almost 2 years for more truth to be discovered, admitted to, and apologized for. Trickle truth nearly killed me physically. At 3 years, I am still daily attacked with horrible reminders, intrusive thoughts an wicked nightmares. A year of EMDR helped a bit. I think now that even though he is so very remorseful, and changing for the better, that it still isn't enough to make me forget. Where is the happy - better than ever marriage others are talking about? Certainly not here at 3 years and the "why" he simply says there was no good reason - it was nothing to do with me - I was a wonderful wife.

I'm spiraling

Submitted by Anonymous12345678 (not verified) on Tue, 03/29/2022 - 17:02

My husband of 12 years cheated on me with a younger coworker she was 19 he was 29 turning 30 I was 27 this happen in 2021
She was supposed to be my friend before we became friends they started texted in 2020 i Recently found out by looking at the phone bill. But to the story mothers day2021 I caught him texting someone in a werid way so I said who's is it he lied and tried to show me something else I pushed the back button and he took his phone away lefted and came back and told me it was a girl from omegle and came up with this lie of why he did it. And then in July 2021 I saw him texting again weirdly and then that's when I found out it was actually her he has been texting all along . So I did all the asking and why how could you and he would come out with little truths every so often over the months he wanted it to just be a dark corner in the room to just forget not look or Discuss so one day I just couldn't handle it because he didn't even understand how much pain I was in and I was going to leave pack my things and go but he wasn't having it so I played a couple of songs for him and made him listen to how much he hurt me. It clicked he finally understood and the healing began but I find things sometimes I guess I should leave it but the phone bill logs said they been texting since 2020 and it's alot of texting her and then texting me I felt like a nobody to him seeing all those texts to eachother they haven't texted since I found out but I can't help but not feel safe with him the pain it hurt so much and still does. After 12 years together I would do anything ask him all the time are you okay. is there anything I'm not doing in the Relationship that you need what can I do better and he said I was doing amazing all before i found out but this still hurt almost 9 months and I'm back to Obsessing over if he is going to do again or if he is talking to a new girl. I use to be head overheal for him not anymore

Wife of 15 plus years cheated on me

Submitted by Anonymous Man t... (not verified) on Wed, 07/06/2022 - 00:14

So our relationship was a little rocky and I can admit that. Her affair started as I was spending extra time doing training for my job. I discovered some text and she denied anything happened and was remorseful.. I tried to get counseling and it never lined up. I deployed in March 2020 and thought although things were rocky we would be able to work more when I returned... My older boys contacted me in June to ask if I was on the phone with mom and I said no.. They sent me text through messenger but I couldn't receive it. They screenshotted it and it said I already read it (wife logged in and read it) she denied anything was going on said she was playing with toys.. Then I decided to look further. 7K text messages and 45 hours on the phone she denied it got angry and it took 3 days worth of talking to point out she never once said sorry or said she understood.. We seemed ok.. Months in more and more cash withdrawals etc... then in August my boys found some personal items with the persons name on it.. once again I was lied to... she never came clean until after I got home from deployment and she stayed out all night and I went looking for her because she said she was headed home at 1.. I found her in Wal Mart parking lot with the guy standing out the car.. she finally came clean but continued the affair and lies for another month.. it wasn't until I contacted his x girlfriend (which turns out they were still together) that stuff finally came to light. I found out so much all in one day.. She was pregnant at some point.. he was at my house and in my room/on my bed with all my kids there. He met my youngest...Its just so much to even balance.. she does have some mental health issues but I don't know how to weigh 15 years of a decently good marriage with what just happened over the last 10 months.. its absolutely disgusting... things are better she is no longer in contact.. she let's me see her phone.. but my oldest kids are scarred... its been 2 months since everything stopped but she hasn't setup therapy...

A betrayed perspective

Submitted by David L on Thu, 07/14/2022 - 13:54

My wife and I have been married for 42 years. We raised three children, now on their own. Unfortunately my wife had covid in August of 2021 and was in the ICU where they had to put her on a ventilator. Before the procedure she was texting me due to me not being allowed to be with her or even in the hospital. We were both scared and she wanted to clear her conscience before being sedated. She told me she had cheated on me for two years beginning in 2013 - 2015. Of course I was devastated, angry, confused and had many questions. Unfortunately there simply wasn't the time or venue to discuss it. I did know the infidelity's were with two "friends" starting with one and then ending after a second back-to-back affair. I spent the next two weeks crying, praying and angry. I decided I wanted my wife back from the hospital, healthy, whole and strong. I wanted her back with me and we would somehow work it out. Two weeks later she was able to come home. I was her sole caregiver for the next 10 months. We discussed details of the affair(s), We also found Affair Recovery on-line and watched multiple videos, took notes, discussed and prayed. To make a long story short these are just some of the insights I / we have gained through this journey; affairs can never be justified, the unfaithful must take full responsibility for their actions, relationships do not provide 100% of what a partner wants or think they want. The best you could expect from a partner is 80% fulfillment. The unfaithful doesn't think about sacrificing the 80% while fantasizing about the 20%. No logic can prevail when comparing a marriage to an affair. There is no love without some degree of pain, suffering and sacrifice. Forgiveness is paying someone else's debt that they are unable to pay. There really isn't any way for an unfaithful spouse to make it up to the betrayed. Don't compare yourself with the AP. Lastly do not fantasize about the unfaithful with the AP, you weren't there and it wasn't all that!

This was helpful.

Submitted by sandrakee on Tue, 03/28/2023 - 22:33

Thank you!

timeline

Submitted by Larry Gray (not verified) on Thu, 03/02/2023 - 20:36

This timeline is way too short. After 45 years my wife and I still have issues. I relive the event often and bringing it up with her causes her pain, depression and anger. Other than this issue we have a perfect marriage.

This is ridiculously idealized

Submitted by CarolFields on Wed, 09/20/2023 - 22:35

This timeline does real harm, IMO. Most Betrayed can’t get full disclosure in six weeks!

Six months for Reaction Period? My UH was still blaming me 100% for months, then blamed me 50% for months. Add trickle truth and you might as well DOUBLE that time.

And at a year, ready for forgiveness? And 18 mo “the event has brought new meaning”?

Totally unrealistic.

And the “don’t freak out” because it can take a lot LESS time.

OMG I would like to meet or hear from one of these couples. The BWs weren't in my HH course! I haven’t seen but
Maybe one BW on these forums that hit that approx. timeline.

This is so defeating for those of us who work so hard while our BS’s take their trickle-truthing, defensive, deflecting, shame-induced time. And that’s provided you can find really competent affair recovery couples therapists.

My ex left me for a

Submitted by Felecia Hives (not verified) on Thu, 02/08/2024 - 19:20

My ex left me for a prostitute now she died and he wants me back.

We were at it for 3 and a

Submitted by Allam (not verified) on Thu, 11/28/2024 - 00:11

We were at it for 3 and a half years . I was the one who cheated . Cousellor said I was doing everything right . I just couldn’t stand to be yelled at anymore . The 2 days it was 12 and 14 hrs with breaks called on my part. Wife couldn’t get past the emotional regulation part. Without she couldn’t hear a word I was saying . Not sure where we were on the timeline but it would have closes to 6 months then 18 .

Timeline

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 03/25/2025 - 10:45

I was wanting to get some thoughts and insights on this timeline when the cheating was never physical. Communication on my part was one of the biggest factors. She seemed off and distant and our physical intimacy was lacking. I just assumed she wasn't happy and wasn't being pleased. An old woman I had talked to years ago messaged me to tell me happy holidays. I replied back and at first it was just normal chat. Then the past was brought up and I had asked for naked pictures. They were never sent. Two days later she picked up my I-pad and the messages popped up. Needless to say, she was mad and hurt. We had just had a special an intimate night the night before she found these messages. I had full intentions on telling the other woman that I made a huge mistake asking that she please don't message me again I am in love and happy. When I tried to explain that to my fiancé she didn't believe and said why should I believe anything you say. She said it was over and that she needed time to heal and process when I asked her to forgive me. I have been seeing a therapist since it happened working on seeking validation or fulfillment from an outside relationship. It was never that I wasn't happy or wanted anyone else it was just not feeling that I was loved or that I was enough. It's been six months since the incident happened. She first told me to move out but agreed after me asking to let me stay in sleep in the spare bedroom. Were still not together but have recently gone out and had some dinners which is the first that's happened since the incident. We still communicate on a daily basis, hang out and spend time together in the living room watching tv. When I tell her I love her sometimes she seems like she believes then other times says I still have my doubts. Most days when she talks about the future says we need to do this or we will need to do that. So, I guess my question is does this seem to be hitting this timeline, or behind it or ahead of it.

I realize this comment was

Submitted by Amber_AR on Wed, 08/20/2025 - 16:13

I realize this comment was made quite some time ago, but some things came to mind. It does sound like what you described was hitting the pathway described above, and that at the time you may have been between the reaction and release stages. The stages are not necessarily linear in my understanding, and I can go through all 4 around a single episode or trigger, while also following all four in the course of healing overall.
You seem to have been doing the work to discover "why" and unearth those motivating factors - the second part of that for us was practicing vulnerability, being willing to talk about it, check in on each other, and hold space for each other's feelings. Initiating conversation was huge. It helped to give the other permission to process.
I hope it has progressed well for you and your fiance. In my experience, to move from reaction to release, I needed a safe place to share my emotions and look at them, as well as see consistant changed behavior over time. My husband needed the same. I was the wayward, but we both had resentments to address and needed to see changes for safety to grow. It is that consistancy over time that allowed us to move past the reactions, rely on the new way, and choose to recommit.
wishing you the best

Recovery timeline

Submitted by SDj12 (not verified) on Wed, 08/20/2025 - 09:34

I’ve read this on this site before and I have always found 18 months to be way too little time. My husbands affair was 3 yrs. He was also hiding a 7 yr porn addiction. The first yr after he was caught he continued to lie even though he was in Celebrate Recovery . So that added another yr of distrust. 18 months would not begin to make me trust someone after an affair. I realize this site offers alot of really good information but this particular timeline is not what most women would agree with. My life was affected for 7 yrs by his hidden addiction and acting out. Our therapist has told us to expect 3 to 5 yrs at a minimum before trust will come back and told him to be willing to accept responsibility for it and answer any questions I ask for the rest of his life.
It’s been 3 yrs now since he was caught and although he has done everything right and makes every effort to assure me I’m safe with him I still do not trust him and don’t know if I ever will.

Thank you for sharing your

Submitted by Amber_AR on Wed, 08/20/2025 - 16:43

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and struggles about the timeline. Trust is hard to rebuild, and I do believe the rebuilding of trust can often take longer than a decision to recommit. It sounds as if you are still with your husband, and I truly hope trust, comfort, and safety are in your future.

We are 14yrs out from d-day. I am the wayward, though as I mentioned above, my husband and I both had changes we needed to see before we even touched recommitment and safety. Our timeline was longer too, and had some nuances that made it that way. First, it was almost a year before we found targetted help and recovery resources. During that time I finally cut off the affair. We floundered on our own, and pushed through each day, alternating between anxious daze and anger.

Once I found a counselor, AR, and a local recovery group, there was plenty of resentment, distrust, and a good bit of historical trauma to address before we could make progress on our specific relationship. I agree that trust and abiding safety took MUCH longer to establish, but we did expect the other to be honest and saw work being done. About 24 months from the time we got actual help and began intentional healing, we had decided we were committed to seeing this through, in hopes of staying together (so recommitment). We also had at least 50% of our day NOT taken up by thoughts of the infideltiy, and to me, that is what is reasonable. Trust took longer, trigger free days took longer, and suspicions and the irradication of intrusive thoughts took longer.

Most of the time, if things come up for me today, it is either because I have let myself get worn down, and those intrusive thoughts and doubts find their way in, or it is because something has triggered that frightened voice of my inner child and she's asking, "am I safe?" Thankfully, my husband, this community, the recovery work, and God provide me with assurance that I am not in danger -- and even if something is wrong, I am not alone.

I don’t think this is correct

Submitted by Doug (not verified) on Wed, 08/20/2025 - 10:58

18 months , maybe 18 years .? If ever .

Never!

Submitted by N123 on Mon, 08/25/2025 - 16:50

This type of event is like radioactive decay. There are half lives, but it NEVER becomes zero. Everyone's half life and circumstance is different, so the half life varies with every couple. It's been 9 years, and some memories came up on Google photos near the time of the affair, and she brought up that it was the time when I was unfaithful. Now I clearly don't blame her at all, but just underscoring the fact that something like that can never go away completely!!!

The infidelity might not be

Submitted by Lea_AR on Thu, 08/28/2025 - 11:39

The infidelity might not be forgotten, but to say that my life afterwards is only a "half life" would certainly not be accurate. I would say my life and my marriage are more full, vibrant, and alive than they were before the infidelity. Working through the pain and trauma was extremely difficult and took us several years, but doing so has also given me a much greater appreciation for my spouse and the new life we've built together. Scars may remain, but they don't have to be painful.

Keep going!

Submitted by Radishgirl on Wed, 08/20/2025 - 13:37

We are a little over 2 years from d day and more like 18 months from the last major d day. It’s crazy to look back on it because I (the betrayed) cried three times a day for a calendar year and the pain slowly tapered off over the next year. I did the hope for healing course and then we did the EMS online (highly recommend both) and after doing a lot of work and my partner staying committed to weekly therapy we are into a phase where it has given us more meaning and is now a point of pride for us instead of pain. It doesn’t hurt anymore except for the occasional zing and trigger. I never would have believed it was possible to have a stronger more meaningful relationship like they say but it is possible. Why go through the painful difficult years? Well let me tell you it’s not your partner that does all the changing. I had to change- to heal my childhood trauma that led me to choose a partner who lied and cheated - I had to learn to choose honesty over comfort , to choose my needs over people pleasing, and to have the empathy for myself in order to properly grieve and seek self forgiveness. Forgiving in myself let me forgive my partner and vice versa. Seeing him choose honesty and staying with me through the guilt and shame of seeing me hurt so badly- seeing him work so hard on himself while holding me through my pain, how he really showed up for me by taking the classes seriously and addressing his issues- seeing how patient he was waiting almost a year and a half of hearing my hurts while I healed enough to start seeing and taking accountability for how I had hurt and triggered him - often without realizing it- that’s a particularly tough phase! It all gave me faith in humanity again, faith in myself, faith in us, and even faith in a power higher than us (we are not Christian so that was a surprise). It’s tough work but it’s work you do on yourself so it is completely worth it. I feel grateful for this program so I wanted to encourage anyone feeling stuck and hopeless to invest in the classes, especially EMS online. The group work flipped the switch for my wayward partner and the class for the betrayed helped me get to the bottom of my part of things. There is hope!

What a joy to read <3

Submitted by Amber_AR on Wed, 08/20/2025 - 16:44

What a joy to read <3

still struggling after 4 years

Submitted by Patricia C (not verified) on Wed, 08/20/2025 - 14:21

I caught my partner with one of his affair partners a little more than 4 years ago. During the disclosure phase, I found out that he had multiple affairs with 'Sugar Babies' 30+ years his junior, in exchange for gifts and money. He never even disclosed how many there were; it was always kind of vague, for example: "I don't really remember, maybe 15 or so....it didn't mean anything...etc." At the beginning he told me that it wasn't about me, that it was because of his own insecurities, and so on. He told me he loved me and would do anything to make amends. He said he was willing to do the work and stay committed to recovery and our relationship. That didn't last very long. After about 6 months, if I was triggered or anything came up about his infidelity he pretty much shut me down and then called it "boundaries". I can honestly say that time doesn't heal all wounds. I still get triggered often, but I know if I bring it up it will just backfire, and I get punished with silent treatment. I told him once that forgiveness doesn't give me amnesia. I still get triggered, and it hurts like hell. I think that any mention of the betrayal just triggers a lot of shame in him, so I basically just suffer in silence. I'm still heartbroken, and will probably stay that way forever.

Patricia, as a betrayed

Submitted by Lea_AR on Thu, 08/21/2025 - 09:54

Patricia, as a betrayed spouse myself who dealt with the fallout of multiple infidelities, your pain resonates with me. I'm so sorry you're walking through this difficult experience. There was a time when I thought that my well being was tied to what my spouse was doing or not doing. For years I suffered in silence, trying to put on a brave face to the world while inwardly, I lived most of my life fearfully and on the verge of tears. I took Harboring Hope back in 2019 and learned that I could walk in healing, regardless of what my spouse chose. It was revolutionary for me! I didn't have to stay broken, and neither do you. I learned what forgiveness really is, how to establish boundaries for myself in my relationship, how to find my own value and worth and so much more! My husband was in denial about his addiction and acted like he just wanted to sweep everything under the rug, but despite that, I was able to move toward healing instead of being held back by his choices. I can't tell you how empowering it was to make decisions for myself and then see the fruit of all my hard work!

You don't deserve any of this. I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I hope you'll find the courage to pursue recovery for yourself. It's well worth the effort. Many blessings to you.

The therapist alluded to a

Submitted by southcarolinamale on Wed, 08/20/2025 - 18:21

The therapist alluded to a couple that she is working with stating that the affair occurred in the '70s and the couple has just started to work on the trauma now. I am in the same scenario! My wife had an affair in the 70's and we only started working on the trauma in 2022. Unfortunately, she did very little work on the marriage and none on herself. Consequently she has just moved out and set up a separate household.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I

Submitted by Lea_AR on Thu, 08/21/2025 - 10:00

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know that must be devastating for you. It's so hard when our spouses don't want to put in the work to experience freedom and healing. It sounds like you are prioritizing that for yourself and I commend you. And I'll be praying for your marriage.

The pain never end

Submitted by L (not verified) on Thu, 08/21/2025 - 08:51

You can be the betrayed or the betrayor- simple fact. The pain NEVER ends.

It’s been 20 years since d day. To this day we can fight as if it was yesterday.

The pain the betrayed has in her heart and the pain I have in my mind and heart will never fade.

Daily life is charade - we both hurt- we both long for peace and what used to be, but it will never happen.

You can stay together - you can go your own way - each will cause a different type of never ending pain.

While the pain can be intense

Submitted by Lea_AR on Thu, 08/21/2025 - 10:10

While the pain can be intense, there's always hope. I likely shared your view at one point but now, seven years past my husband's last affair, I can say that complete and total healing is possible - I live it every day. I rarely think about the infidelity anymore and when I do, I don't experience emotional flooding. Time doesn't heal all wounds, it's what you do with the time that matters. Proactively seeking recovery does lead to healing. Unfortunately, not all help is the same. My husband took the Hope for Healing course and I took the Harboring Hope course. We have both worked very hard to recover from the trauma and I can say, my husband is my best friend. Not only is the trauma in the distant past, but the new marriage we've built is so much better than I ever could've imagined! Don't lose hope.

Timely Timeline

Submitted by GodandFamily on Thu, 08/21/2025 - 09:43

This session was so needed. Thank you all so much for pouring in.

Thank you for watching. It

Submitted by Lea_AR on Thu, 08/21/2025 - 10:17

Thank you for watching. It means so much to hear that the discussions are meaningful to others. Blessings!

Much longer timeline

Submitted by Betrayed multip... (not verified) on Thu, 08/21/2025 - 11:18

"Hopefully, by the end of 6 weeks, the story has been told." If only. I'm almost 4 years out from the most recent affair discovery, and everything is still painful and raw. But I never got the full story on any of his affairs in under 6 weeks. In fact, even though I discovered 4 out of his 6 affairs when they were happening, I didn't get the full story for years. The longest it took to get the full story was 23 years (the first affair, which he didn't admit until 4 years ago), and the shortest was 9 months with the most recent affair.

With every discovery he only eventually admitted to as much as I had proof for (insisting it was just messaging and maybe a kiss, since I only had fragments of messages of flirting and intimate talk), and he continued to hide the full extent of each affair, even when we were in therapy. He lied to both me and the therapists.

Now that we've had full disclosure and he swears he's no longer hiding anything...I don't know how to ever believe him. He swore he wasn't hiding anything else in the past, too. I don't know how to trust he's actually changed and this isn't yet another act so he doesn't have to face being alone and doing everything for himself.

The more affairs they have, and the longer it takes for them to give the full truth, extends that timeline out to a decade or more at best, I think. And the timeline doesn't really start until they give ALL of the truth.

I'm so sorry for the pain you

Submitted by Lea_AR on Thu, 08/28/2025 - 11:23

I'm so sorry for the pain you've experienced. I've been there. I didn't find out about the first affair until the second was disclosed. Those slow disclosures erode trust and safety, but it is possible to build it anew if both spouses are willing to do the work. It's okay to be cautiously optimistic. I was able to practice that while still maintaining strong boundaries. I lowered my guard in small increments, as safety in the relationship increased. It's important to remember that trust isn't a blanket statement. I could trust my husband to pick the kids up from school on time long before I could trust him to be faithful to me when traveling for work. There are varying levels of trust - you don't have to give it all at once. I would say our timeline began when everything had been disclosed and we were both doing recovery work. Thanks so much for sharing your insight with us!

Smiles and happy faces

Submitted by N123 on Mon, 08/25/2025 - 17:04

My affair was 9 years ago, around the time Samuel and Samantha (for those who go back to these days) were a couple of years in recovery. Samantha might have appeared, maybe a couple of times on the site. But I could see that behind the smiles and "happy faces" there was trauma that couldn't be masked. It is very "insulting and condescending" that happy faces and smiles are being portrayed after an affair. There is NOTHING happy, nor any reason to smile when discussing this type of subject! Even though I was the betrayer, some part of me has "died" inside. I am NOT the same, and I really can't imagine what my poor wife has been through. She is way stronger than me, as I don't think I could have ever survived a situation where roles were reversed. Ultimately, Samuel and Samantha divorced for publicly unknown reasons. I could do without the smiles and happy faces- it almost feels like a mockery, nothing funny or happy here

I'm sorry the discussion was

Submitted by Lea_AR on Thu, 08/28/2025 - 11:30

I'm sorry the discussion was triggering for you. The participants in the video have worked very hard to heal after infidelity and the level of healing they've received has allowed them to look back at their experiences through a different lens. Time doesn't heal all wounds, it's what you do with the time that counts. While some people might find it difficult to find levity in such a grave situation, others find it refreshing to know that laughter is possible after infidelity. What one person finds triggering, another finds hopeful - it all depends on what you've done with the time.

The Discovery Stage: 0 to 6 weeks

The Reaction Stage: 6 weeks

The Release Stage: 6 Months

The Recommitment Stage: 12 to 18 months

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