Affair Recovery Timeline for Healing After Betrayal How long does this take? When the pain is intense and life is undone, the process of recovery seems as slow as pouring thick molasses on a cold winter day. Actions can be taken that help facilitate healing, but it still takes time. At the risk of writing a boring article, I think it could be helpful to lay out the healing timeline. Let me stress that this timeline is hypothetical. Each couple travels through this process at their own pace, but this will give a general rule of thumb. Also, as you look at the timeline, don’t get discouraged. The intensity of the pain and the frequency of the intrusive thoughts should subside over time. The following diagram reflects the stages of the recovery process.In a perfect world, and I’m afraid we are far too complex to let that happen, here are the general timelines for a couple’s recovery. The discovery stage: zero to six weeks This stage is frequently characterized by shock and emotional instability. Hopefully, by the end of six weeks the story has been told. During this stage the couple tries to establish “WHAT” has happened. Until this initial stage is completed it’s almost impossible for the couple to move forward. If this stage take’s longer than six weeks, then it becomes more difficult for the hurt spouse to redevelop trust. Once this task is complete, it’s possible to move forward in the recovery process. The reaction stage: six months During the first six months multiple tasks have to be completed in order for both parties to feel safe about continuing in the relationship. The hurt spouse needs to feel that their mate cares. This is done through the development of empathy and a willingness to explore the reality of why this happened. A shared understanding of “why” this happened needs to be established before moving forward. Both parties have to learn how to regulate the emotions generated by the event. There is a grieving over the loss. The unfaithful spouse should be pursuing whatever actions are necessary to assure they don’t put their mate at risk of being hurt again. The release stage: Months 9 to 12 This stage is characterized by forgiveness and this opens up the door for reconciliation. By this time, both parties have a better understanding of “why” this happened, and hopefully their mate’s personal pursuit of healing provides the hurt spouse assurance about their commitment to the marriage. Recommitment and moving on: 12 to 18 months During this stage the couple makes a conscious decision to move on with their life. The event will have brought new meaning to the couple, but it won’t define them. Rather, their ability to deal with the adversity created by the infidelity and to move forward, can provide new meaning and significance for the relationship. Please don’t think that because I said 18 months you’re beginning to freak out. Please don’t do that. If you’re on the right path you’ll experience a much improved marriage long before 18 months. However, the intrusive thoughts may still cause emotional swings into the process. If for some reason you feel stuck and are way off on this timeline, please seek help. Do all you can to move forward. Sections: Must ReadNewsletterFounder's LaptopRL_Category: For The Hurt SpouseFor the Unfaithful SpouseRecovery FundamentalsStrengthening MarriageRL_Media Type: Text
