I was very surprised that I, the betrayed spouse would actually be judged for staying in the marriage and trying to make it work. I lost two good friends because their expectations were that I should leave the marriage and not tolerate such behavior. There have been others that judge from a distance and have pulled away from us mostly because it makes them uncomfortable. I think that our society does not deal with infidelity because it's the "secret sin" that no one wants to address. There are twelve step groups for so many issues but infidelity is something that is poorly addressed and should be recognized as an epidemic. All parties involved are experience shame to some extent. Our media and culture glorifies the "affair partner" as someone that rescues the betrayer from a lousy, sexless marriage. The reality is that many married couples are not "unhappy" or in a sexless marriage but poor boundaries and opportunity opens the door to be unfaithful. My husband and I took vacations, celebrated birthdays, bought a house all while he was with the other woman. Did we have spats and disagreements...sure. That's part of any relationship. Did we live on auto pilot at times...yes. Did he want the marriage to end...no. When the affair was discovered he was devastated at how much he hurt me and never wanted our marriage to end. It has been 3 years up highs and lows and tremendous work and self discovery. It has been an adventure like no other and the true friends that support you and your marriage are a gift. Shame is given power when there is darkness but when a light is allowed to shine on the issue and you can engage in open and non judgmental dialogue then healing can begin.
Social shame
I was very surprised that I, the betrayed spouse would actually be judged for staying in the marriage and trying to make it work. I lost two good friends because their expectations were that I should leave the marriage and not tolerate such behavior. There have been others that judge from a distance and have pulled away from us mostly because it makes them uncomfortable. I think that our society does not deal with infidelity because it's the "secret sin" that no one wants to address. There are twelve step groups for so many issues but infidelity is something that is poorly addressed and should be recognized as an epidemic. All parties involved are experience shame to some extent. Our media and culture glorifies the "affair partner" as someone that rescues the betrayer from a lousy, sexless marriage. The reality is that many married couples are not "unhappy" or in a sexless marriage but poor boundaries and opportunity opens the door to be unfaithful. My husband and I took vacations, celebrated birthdays, bought a house all while he was with the other woman. Did we have spats and disagreements...sure. That's part of any relationship. Did we live on auto pilot at times...yes. Did he want the marriage to end...no. When the affair was discovered he was devastated at how much he hurt me and never wanted our marriage to end. It has been 3 years up highs and lows and tremendous work and self discovery. It has been an adventure like no other and the true friends that support you and your marriage are a gift. Shame is given power when there is darkness but when a light is allowed to shine on the issue and you can engage in open and non judgmental dialogue then healing can begin.