I love love LOVE this format. Mostly. The only part I struggle hearing is his remorse, and I usually only struggle to hear it if it's a pretty moderate to severe hurt (like a gas-lighting, false judgement, minor but really triggering transparency incident, relapse, etc.), or when it's a reaction-base blanket apology like "I'm sorry I hurt you.". It's because he's played the martyr too many times and verbally beats himself up as part of his remorse. He really milks it sometimes and I can sense when he's doing it just to be emotionally manipulative (to get pity and comfort from me, or to illicit an emotional connection so he feels better). There are times where I just can't listen to his remorse because it feels like he turns it all back to being about him and getting what he wants - validation, soothing words and comfort from me. All selfish reasons. I can feel when he's apologizing and sharing remorse to make himself feel better and get validation v. establishing safety and really trying to empathize and connect with me and the hurt he's caused me.
I have found something that works for both of us though! I tell him to give me 24-48 hrs to take care of myself so I can actually hear his apology. He uses that time to write a little restitution letter (in a similar HURT format, almost always adding in is commitment of how he wants to treat me, a D what he's going to do different). Then, when I'm ready, we sit down and he reads it to me and let's me keep it. This works for us for the more *moderate* to severe hurts he causes that can really contribute to feelings of unsafety, deep hurt, betrayal, etc. It works for me because it shows he's taken time and thought into it. AND because of the extensive trauma I've been through I really struggle remembering the good and holding onto it. So it's very helpful to have something to remember and refer to so that when the hurt tries resurfacing from that incident, and can pull it out and validate and remind my hurt self of the beautiful apology for that incident - and let it go.
For the day-to-day little hurts and misunderstandings we can usually handle spoken after we've had a little break.
For disclosure? I refused to hear it outside of my therapist's office. And I told him I didn't want to hear anything about his feelings of remorse. I just wanted the accountability, not the fake, immature, selfish, emotionally manipulative expressions of remorse he was more prone to using back then. Disclosure was NOT a time for connecting via remorse when it took him over a year to be accountable with a compete disclosure.
Anyway, just thought I'd share another perspective on the HURT format in spoken v. written form as well as thoughts on appropriate remorse. For us, it just depends on how significant the hurt is, how healthily he can express remorse, and whether or not I'm in a place to hear his remorse.
Appropriate Remorse & Written v. Spoken
I love love LOVE this format. Mostly. The only part I struggle hearing is his remorse, and I usually only struggle to hear it if it's a pretty moderate to severe hurt (like a gas-lighting, false judgement, minor but really triggering transparency incident, relapse, etc.), or when it's a reaction-base blanket apology like "I'm sorry I hurt you.". It's because he's played the martyr too many times and verbally beats himself up as part of his remorse. He really milks it sometimes and I can sense when he's doing it just to be emotionally manipulative (to get pity and comfort from me, or to illicit an emotional connection so he feels better). There are times where I just can't listen to his remorse because it feels like he turns it all back to being about him and getting what he wants - validation, soothing words and comfort from me. All selfish reasons. I can feel when he's apologizing and sharing remorse to make himself feel better and get validation v. establishing safety and really trying to empathize and connect with me and the hurt he's caused me.
I have found something that works for both of us though! I tell him to give me 24-48 hrs to take care of myself so I can actually hear his apology. He uses that time to write a little restitution letter (in a similar HURT format, almost always adding in is commitment of how he wants to treat me, a D what he's going to do different). Then, when I'm ready, we sit down and he reads it to me and let's me keep it. This works for us for the more *moderate* to severe hurts he causes that can really contribute to feelings of unsafety, deep hurt, betrayal, etc. It works for me because it shows he's taken time and thought into it. AND because of the extensive trauma I've been through I really struggle remembering the good and holding onto it. So it's very helpful to have something to remember and refer to so that when the hurt tries resurfacing from that incident, and can pull it out and validate and remind my hurt self of the beautiful apology for that incident - and let it go.
For the day-to-day little hurts and misunderstandings we can usually handle spoken after we've had a little break.
For disclosure? I refused to hear it outside of my therapist's office. And I told him I didn't want to hear anything about his feelings of remorse. I just wanted the accountability, not the fake, immature, selfish, emotionally manipulative expressions of remorse he was more prone to using back then. Disclosure was NOT a time for connecting via remorse when it took him over a year to be accountable with a compete disclosure.
Anyway, just thought I'd share another perspective on the HURT format in spoken v. written form as well as thoughts on appropriate remorse. For us, it just depends on how significant the hurt is, how healthily he can express remorse, and whether or not I'm in a place to hear his remorse.