It is very hard to read articles about what the spouse who committed the infidelity should do for the betrayed -- or how they should act.
My wife said she became disappointed with me and started to disconnect from our 21 years of marriage about 5 years or so ago. Then, when she was at her lowest and so was I (due to employment and financial circumstances that overwhelmed me during a 4-year stretch), she started going deeper with God. Unfortunately, as a assistant leader in our church's middle/high school youth program, she sought her spiritual guidance from our youth pastor, which led to a nearly 2-year emotional affair that she admitted was her only source of pleasure during our storms of life.
So when I finally exposed this to our head pastor, I thought that my wife would try to make amends. And while she has said she is sorry and has stayed with our marriage as we go to counseling both individually and together, I still have a very tough time with her being understanding and empathetic and truly trying to reconnect.
She has told me from the onset that she is "trying" to fall in love with me again. I understand I was a horrible and angry person during the years of financial and employment trials and that we were having a tough time communicating, but I was not the one who disconnected and strayed from the relationship and chose not to be in love anymore. I remained faithful and committed to my marriage while she made the choice to no longer love me, respect me or cherish me in our marriage covenant.
So now it is incredibly hard to want her to make that choice to love me again. She doesn't want to hold hands, she doesn't want to sit next to me on the couch, she doesn't want me to hug her (she has been willing to be sexually intimate) and she doesn't even want to pray together. She fears that I will resort into my old self that was angry at God (it has taken the last 2-plus years in counseling to get past my fears and to make God my No. 1 in life and not my wife -- which she said smothered her to the point where she felt she had to get away from me during my times of trial).
So now the ball is all in her court even though she is the one who betrayed me. It is very difficult to move on at times and press into the pain of knowing she made the choice to emotionally and spiritually disengage from our marriage. I have forgiven her, but I just hope and pray that one day (it has been 7 1/2 months since disclosure) and she still keeps her distance from me for the most part. And, on top of everything, we have sold our house of 10-plus years and are in the process of trying to move out of state to get away from everything since we both feel uncomfortable staying in the area and since we left our church of 9 years -- that we were so heavily involved in with our 3 children -- since the youth pastor (who has been fired) still attends with his wife and children. So now we are trying to relocate across the country to a place we know absolutely no one -- leaving our family and friends behind -- so we can try and start anew with a fresh slate and prayerfully can heal our marriage and start over.
Praying that some day God can reconcile and redeem this pain and heartache and transform it into something new with Him as the foundation for both of us and that we can some day be a testimony for other struggling couples! That some day my wife will love, respect and cherish me again! That is my prayer!
As the betryaed
It is very hard to read articles about what the spouse who committed the infidelity should do for the betrayed -- or how they should act.
My wife said she became disappointed with me and started to disconnect from our 21 years of marriage about 5 years or so ago. Then, when she was at her lowest and so was I (due to employment and financial circumstances that overwhelmed me during a 4-year stretch), she started going deeper with God. Unfortunately, as a assistant leader in our church's middle/high school youth program, she sought her spiritual guidance from our youth pastor, which led to a nearly 2-year emotional affair that she admitted was her only source of pleasure during our storms of life.
So when I finally exposed this to our head pastor, I thought that my wife would try to make amends. And while she has said she is sorry and has stayed with our marriage as we go to counseling both individually and together, I still have a very tough time with her being understanding and empathetic and truly trying to reconnect.
She has told me from the onset that she is "trying" to fall in love with me again. I understand I was a horrible and angry person during the years of financial and employment trials and that we were having a tough time communicating, but I was not the one who disconnected and strayed from the relationship and chose not to be in love anymore. I remained faithful and committed to my marriage while she made the choice to no longer love me, respect me or cherish me in our marriage covenant.
So now it is incredibly hard to want her to make that choice to love me again. She doesn't want to hold hands, she doesn't want to sit next to me on the couch, she doesn't want me to hug her (she has been willing to be sexually intimate) and she doesn't even want to pray together. She fears that I will resort into my old self that was angry at God (it has taken the last 2-plus years in counseling to get past my fears and to make God my No. 1 in life and not my wife -- which she said smothered her to the point where she felt she had to get away from me during my times of trial).
So now the ball is all in her court even though she is the one who betrayed me. It is very difficult to move on at times and press into the pain of knowing she made the choice to emotionally and spiritually disengage from our marriage. I have forgiven her, but I just hope and pray that one day (it has been 7 1/2 months since disclosure) and she still keeps her distance from me for the most part. And, on top of everything, we have sold our house of 10-plus years and are in the process of trying to move out of state to get away from everything since we both feel uncomfortable staying in the area and since we left our church of 9 years -- that we were so heavily involved in with our 3 children -- since the youth pastor (who has been fired) still attends with his wife and children. So now we are trying to relocate across the country to a place we know absolutely no one -- leaving our family and friends behind -- so we can try and start anew with a fresh slate and prayerfully can heal our marriage and start over.
Praying that some day God can reconcile and redeem this pain and heartache and transform it into something new with Him as the foundation for both of us and that we can some day be a testimony for other struggling couples! That some day my wife will love, respect and cherish me again! That is my prayer!