One of the hardest lessons to grasp in the journey towards healing from betrayal is realizing your inability to control the path your wayward mate takes. This is particularly counterintuitive for those of us who have dedicated our lives to growing relationships and a family. We have invested our time and energy in paving the way for our loved ones to succeed and be happy. We have cared as deeply for our partner and family as we have for ourselves. Our life has revolved around their safety and growth.
We must be careful not to burn out or overextend ourselves in the service of others and to take good care of ourselves. This is a reality we may not like. However, denial of that reality will not change it, no matter how ardently we wish things to be...
Hello. My name is Laurie Bryson and one of the roles I have at Affair Recovery is that I get to be part of the three-day EMS Weekend intensives that we offer both in person and virtually.
One of the most misunderstood concepts in the journey of recovering from infidelity is the concept of abuse.
Today, I'd like to help shed some light on this concept in a way that can help you navigate...
To Tell or Not to Tell…Our Friends and Family
People struggle with the decision of whether to tell friends and family and, particularly their children, about the infidelity that occurred in their marriage. For some, the ugly truth comes out before they consider it. Sometimes, kids are collateral damage in the ensuing chaos, overhearing or directly witnessing the arguments and drama by parents overwhelmed with their emotions.
I’ve heard both sides of this dilemma declare with certainty that their perspective is the only right choice for one reason or another, but I’ve also heard people regret how they handled it and wish they could go back and do it differently. Some feel it is inherently wrong and deceptive to keep a secret like this within a...
Freedom begins in a community of “me too” people, people committed to helping you carry your burden. ~ Sheila Walsh
When a person experiences a loss or tragedy, those around them often offer support differently. People say things like, “Let me know if you need anything,” or “I’m here for you.” This can be genuine and well-meaning, but to the person amid crisis or grief, they’re not especially helpful. That is passive support, meaning if the grieving person comes to me and asks for something specific, I will provide it.
Active support looks like this: “I have two hours free on Tuesday evening. I’d like to bring you dinner and babysit your kids....
In my private practice as a psychotherapist of almost 20 years, I've seen firsthand the devastation, pain, and havoc infidelity causes. But I've also been able to witness the strength and resilience of couples who choose to work through this crisis, and sometimes other wounds from their relationship or childhood years, and then go on to rebuild a relationship that they had only previously dreamed about.
If it weren't for the...
As I first ventured into the world of betrayal recovery, I listened to several experts advise against asking too many questions and getting too many details about their spouse’s betrayal. They cautioned that the details can be damaging and cause lingering intrusive thoughts. The predominant advice is to stick to the basic information of timeframe and generic summary of events but otherwise to steer clear of anything that could be considered a question related to comparison, like physical appearance, body type, specific sexual experiences, etc. The advice was that these things don’t serve to promote healing, and it is better to keep them unknown. (A list of suggested questions to consider asking instead can be found here.)
Not asking for details is very...
Today Rodney and Angela will share with you an original song written from Psalm 23. Find a quiet place, close your eyes and listen as they testify of the Shepherd’s provision, peace, protection, presence, prosperity, and promises. In spite of the pain and trauma of infidelity, we can find solace in the arms of our mighty God as He holds us in...
Below is information taken directly from our Harboring Hope1 Online Course.
"Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages." - Frank Pittman
If you've ever joined a support group or been to see a counselor, you may have heard others talking about "codependency." The term might be unfamiliar to many individuals recovering from betrayal. It can be...
Hi. My name is Rachel. Infidelity not only impacts our relationship with our partners, but it also affects the relationship we have with ourselves, as we're grappling with a new reality that we didn't expect or ask for.
We may also notice some negative messages, words, thoughts, and beliefs about ourselves. This inner bullying voice...
It was a strange name that pricked my curiosity, but I questioned the thought. Why was I so interested about her name? I was out to eat with my wife and our waitress had just stopped by the table to introduce herself. My normal routine would've been to ask how she came by her unusual and beautifully unique name. This was the first time I stopped to ponder, why would I do that?
A quick glance told me the restaurant was short staffed, and...
Hello. My name is Candace. I have something to share with you today that was submitted to Affair Recovery by an EMS Online participant just about one year ago. It’s a piece about the secret life and timely death of her husband’s cell phone.
In this post I am going to read what she wrote and then I am going to share some pro tips to help create...
Healing from betrayal trauma isn’t just about moving beyond triggers and reminders, it also requires changing how you see the world. Betrayed partners feel like life has been stolen from them and darkness is their only friend. Positive emotions such as joy and hope — even the feeling of being alive — can evaporate in the blink of an eye! Healing from this altered perception of life is hard and requires rewiring your brain. You must fight the negative...
Hi. My name's Karen Baker, and I'm the graduate counseling intern at Crossroad Counseling Associates, being supervised by Rick Reynolds. Experiencing betrayal trauma is incredibly jarring. Your whole system becomes dysregulated and flooded at a moment's notice. In this video, I'm going to lead you through a short, guided meditation to help you come back to...
Hi, my name is Karen Baker. I’m the graduate counseling intern for Crossroad Counseling Associates, supervised by Rick Reynolds. In this video, I will teach you several different diaphragmatic breathing exercises that you can use to emotionally regulate and tone your Vagus Nerve.
Your breath is the first place to connect with your body,...
When discussing the future of the marriage, the concept of recommitting eventually takes center stage. I'm reminded of a folk tale about a chicken and a pig trying to decide what each should bring to a big party they're throwing. The chicken says he'd be happy to bring some eggs for the party, and he suggests the pig bring some bacon.
"That's not quite fair," the pig responded,...
Hi. My name is Karen Baker, and I'm the graduate counseling intern for Crossroad Counseling Associates, being supervised by Rick Reynolds. Experiencing infertility is an incredibly jarring experience, and that's why we call it betrayal trauma. In a previous video, I discussed why and how we become dysregulated, as well as the importance of...
In this episode Rodney and Angela share the profound change they experienced following his D-Day on March 8th, 2014. Amidst the death of the old, a new marriage and new hearts emerged. They share how they navigated this journey with gratitude and grace. Through transparency and healing, they discovered the power of God's promise to restore and uplift...
We define infidelity as the keeping of secrets; it's a breach of trust that can lead to the collapse of even the strongest relationships. Infidelity is a complex issue with many underlying causes, and it creates a cascade of inter- and intra-relational turmoil. The most common and difficult elements for the betrayed spouse to work through are any kind of lie and deception that the wayward partners tell themselves and their partner about their behavior...
Hello, Kristin S. here. If you're watching this video, it means that you've experienced infidelity in some way in your life. You've either discovered that your partner has cheated on you, or maybe you have been unfaithful to your partner.
No matter which side of this equation that you're on, it's likely that you can appreciate how entirely lonely this...
“If I get pregnant, I’ll just have an abortion.” When asked if she was safe
Threatening to have me arrested for child abuse
Using kids’ social media accounts to contact and stalk men
Sleeping with a man she met two hours earlier on Facebook….. unprotected
Setting up dating apps while in the parking lot waiting for our therapy appointment
Wearing different clothes and hairstyles
Sneaking off to the bathroom to text APs while at Disneyland with the family...
This week's video is addressed to wayward men, but the abuse associated with infidelity isn't gender or role specific. Infidelity can elicit both physical abuse and emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is when one person tries to make another person responsible for their emotional regulation or well-being in a manner that is detrimental to the other. Or when a person treats or exposes another person to behaviors that may result in...
Hello. This is Kristin. As an unfaithful spouse, one may argue that the shame I experienced post affair was expected, while unhelpful to my healing. One would expect that I would be feeling shame, guilt after what happened. I had betrayed the trust of my spouse, of my family, my friends, and maybe most importantly, myself. This type...
Steve just filed for divorce from his wife Stacey. The reason listed on the decree was “adultery”. They had been married for 7 years and recently Steve had discovered that Stacey had secretly been seeing an old boyfriend. His life was shattered. The pain was overwhelming. He only wanted to forget and move on with his life.
Of course, no one would fault Steve for his choice. Even the Bible would justify his decision. He was free to go and marry again.
Hi. My name is Karen, and I am the graduate counseling intern at Crossroad Counseling Associates. My work is supervised by Rick Reynolds, and I am in the home stretch of my master's program. I've learned so much this past year and had the opportunity to co-facilitate several Harboring Hope Groups. Today, I am delighted to share some information with you on a topic I am deeply passionate about and teach many of my own clients:...
Hello. My name is Candace. Let's spend some time talking today about answering questions. Post D-Day. I know some of you just broke out into a cold sweat. In this post, I will address both the unfaithful and the betrayed when it comes to answering questions. I'll be discussing a few key rules to follow to keep things constructive versus leading to greater...
In my years of being a part of Affair Recovery I have had the privilege of mentoring numerous groups of Men through the Harboring Hope program. One of the best parts of this program discusses the 20 Most Common Mistakes of the Betrayed Spouse. Within the groups I lead, and going through this section I have learned that I currently still hold the record for committing the highest amount of the 20 mistakes in my own recovery process. In my case I committed 18 of the 20 mistakes noted.
In this 2-Part...
The discovery of infidelity severely disrupts your life. It is a violation unlike any other. Most experts who deal with infidelity say that the betrayed spouse deals with anywhere from 50 to 100 reminders and triggers per day about their spouse's infidelity. But we have a God who is far bigger than our circumstances.
Hi, my name is Rachel, and I want to talk about why letting others down and disappointing others is a necessary part of your recovery. Now, listen, I know that this seems like a silly topic, and it's not going to be relevant to all of you, but I really wanted to reach out to my sisters and my brothers who do struggle with...
The Triggers Song. Triggers - They can be anything and come from anywhere. Triggers rob us of our time, peace, and sometimes sanity. They are real and a very big deal when navigating the recovery journey of cheating/infidelity/affairs.
In this episode Rodney and Angela start by discussing triggers, how they felt them, how they managed them, how they replaced them,...
Back in the mid-eighties, I had a business fail. I guess that's not unusual in the world of business, but it was new to me. In fact, when I went down, I went down big. I lost just about everything as I desperately tried to save the business. I spent our savings, our retirement, even borrowed money, all in an attempt to hold out until the market turned.
The only problem was the market never turned, so we ran smack dab into financial ruin.
Thankfully, God was faithful. He...
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