Survivors' Blog

Times are in Central Time (GMT-5:00) 1-888-527-2367 | [email protected] | #hoperising LUNCH DETAILS Women & Men Lunch Small Groups 12:10pm - 1:10pm CT No spouses please. The Women's Lunch Small Groups are for women only and vice versa for the Men's. WOMEN'S LUNCH GROUPS MEN'S LUNCH GROUPS Lunch Discussion Questions We recommend that someone volunteer to be the group facilitator and lead the discussion. Your group may decide to have the facilitator call on individuals to share. You could also go in alphabetical order. Your group might also choose to spend more or less time on any given question. This group is for YOU, so make it your own! Share your first name and how long since discovery/disclosure. In two minutes or less, share why you are joining the Hope Rising conference this year. What is something from the morning sessions that inspires you or gives you hope? What have you done that helped you get through an intrusive thought, trigger, or reminder? What have you learned about yourself during the recovery process? What is something you want to start doing that you're not currently doing? How will you continue to find support and seek healing after this conference? Important Note: If you would like to share any contact information, you may do so now. In order to maintain confidentiality, Affair Recovery will not be able to give out personal or contact information. PROGRAM Presentation Notes, Speaker Bios, and Agenda can all be found here! View Program (printable) AGENDA 8:45 Livestream Starts 9:00am Session One Leslie Hardie - Managing Intrusive Thoughts, Triggers, & Reminders Jeremy - The Power of Healing Moments Break 10:35am Session Two Job & Julie Lopez - Brain Science and Betrayal JR - Emotions and Curiosity Jenn Howie - Help! I've Gone Missing! Lunch 12:05am Lunch Discussion Groups over Zoom Break 1:20pm Session Three Candace - A Lawyer, a Priest, and an Accountant Matt - The Man's Journey Brad & Kristen Warren - Overcoming Betrayal from Sexual Addiction Break 2:50pm Session Four Rachel - Overcoming Betrayal Trauma's Physical Effects Leslie Hardie & Dr. John Mark Haney - Live Q&A Session with Harboring Hope Co-Authors Dr. John Haney - Healing Your Sexual Self After Betrayal Harboring Hope Online Course Join The Notification List Learn About Harboring Hope This course is a lifeline for betrayed spouses. Authored by Leslie Hardie LCSW and Dr. John Haney PhD LPC-s, it sells out very quickly each month so join the email notification list, so you don't miss out when registration opens! Learn About Harboring Hope ` Donate To The Scholarship Program Help us raise funds for those who can't afford to get help! Donate Here SPEAKERS Leslie Hardie Keynote Speaker, LCSW, Co-Author of Harboring Hope Managing Intrusive Thoughts, Triggers, & Reminders After discovering your partner's infidelity, the onslaught of triggers and reminders is overwhelming. Unwelcome intrusive thoughts seemingly come out of nowhere and hijack one's mind and emotions. It is hard to live life - sleeping and eating are elusive, and daily functioning feels largely impossible. Learn more about yourself and how to manage some of the biggest mental and emotional challenges on this healing journey. Jeremy Alumnus The Power of Healing Moments It can be difficult to imagine, in the midst of a fresh betrayal, what life might look like seven years from now. Jeremy shares about his own journey, the marker moments along the way over the last seven years that led to him experiencing a wound eventually healing into a scar. It can be difficult to imagine but there is a new normal available to all of us if we are willing to look inward, do the work and look outward, relying on those around us as we navigate the roller coaster ride of betrayal and healing. Job & Julie Lopez M.A., LPC, EMS Weekend Specialist Brain Science and Betrayal Understanding the impact of betrayal on the brain can give us greater understanding of why discovery of infidelity causes symptoms of trauma. Job and Julie answer some of the most common questions and give insights on how to heal. JR Alumnus Emotions and Curiosity Jenn Howie PSAP, ERCEM, Betrayal Recovery Coach Help! I've Gone Missing! "I just want the old me back." These words have echoed in my mind and resonate with many healing from betrayal. Together we will delve into the profound interconnectedness of relationships and identity, exploring how betrayal impacts our sense of self. Join me to learn how to reclaim and strengthen your identity after experiencing betrayal. Candace Alumna A Lawyer, a Priest, and an Accountant Candace is honored to be a member of the Affair Recovery team, where she serves as a Customer Care & Course Coordinator. In this role, she passionately supports and encourages participants as they embark on their healing journeys. Having begun her own recovery in late 2020, Candace is proud to walk alongside others through the drama and trauma caused by infidelity. As a Vlogger, she combines her personal experiences with a splash of humor, offering relatable and uplifting content to those in need. Matt Alumnus The Man's Journey Brad & Kristen Warren MS, LPC, EMS Weekend Specialist Overcoming Betrayal from Sexual Addiction Recovery from your partner's sexual addiction can sometimes seem overwhelming. Join Brad and Kristen as they answer some of the most common questions and provide insight to healing by sharing their own recovery journey. Rachel NBC-HWC & Alumna Overcoming Betrayal Trauma’s Physical E ects Rachel, a survivor of infidelity and Certified Wellness Coach, invites you to explore the intricate relationship between betrayal and our health. This presentation will explore how betrayal trauma affects your nervous system and can manifest in various physical symptoms. We'll delve into practical strategies for managing these reactions, focusing on nervous system regulation and lifestyle medicine that can help you regain your balance and sense of well-being. You're not losing it—you're just human. Discover hope and healing for your physical health. Leslie Hardie & Dr. John Mark Haney Harboring Hope Co-Authors Live Q&A Session Experts John and Leslie answer your questions LIVE! Dr. John Mark Haney PhD, LPC, Harboring Hope Co-Author, Affair Recovery Expert Panel Member Healing Your Sexual Self After Betrayal Let's face it, having a loving and healthy sense of our bodies and sexual selves and a vibrant sex life with our partner can be challenging even when we are not facing the most painful rejection of our lives. Of the many homecomings that we must face post infidelity, claiming and loving our sexual selves, and if we choose, reengaging sexually with our unfaithful partner is perhaps the most difficult and nuanced journey we experience. For many, the foundation was never that strong to begin with, but hidden in the wreckage is a chance to claim more lovingly the God-given gift of our sexuality. Follow Us! Twitter Instagram YouTube Facebook Times are in Central Time (GMT-5:00) 1-888-527-2367 | [email protected] | #hoperising

One of the hardest lessons to grasp in the journey towards healing from betrayal is realizing your inability to control the path your wayward mate takes. This is particularly counterintuitive for those of us who have dedicated our lives to growing relationships and a family. We have invested our time and energy in paving the way for our loved ones to succeed and be happy. We have cared as deeply for our partner and family as we have for ourselves. Our life has revolved around their safety and growth. We must be careful not to burn out or overextend ourselves in the service of others and to take good care of ourselves. This is a reality we may not like. However, denial of that reality will not change it, no matter how ardently we wish things to be different. We need to respect our limits to remain healthy. The desire to overextend, however, is very normal when those we love are struggling. This truth suggests the brilliant work of Dr. Robert Weiss in his seminal book, Prodependence. As he defines it: “Prodependence is an attachment-based theory of human dependency which, by definition, states that those who partner with an active addict are loving people who may be caught in circumstances beyond their ability to healthfully cope. Moreover, their desire to help the addict and all related actions toward helping the addict demonstrate nothing more than a normal and healthy attempt to remain connected to a failing loved one while facing extraordinarily difficult circumstances.” He advises that looking at addiction not from a trauma perspective, but from an attachment perspective, illuminates the dark road of betrayal grief. Instead of viewing the loved ones of addicts as the inevitable victims of a traumatic past that has caught up with them and is now repeating itself in their adult lives—"prodependence views them as brave individuals struggling to love another person even in the face of the behavioral choice they have made. With prodependence, there is no shame or blame, no sense of being wrong, no language that pathologizes the caregiving loved one. Instead, there is recognition for effort given, plus hope and valuable instruction for healing." We, the betrayed, are suffering from possibly the most significant trauma inflicted upon us in our lives. In an instant, with the discovery of betrayal, our history is turned upside down, and our file cabinet of personal past is knocked over, spilling the entire contents across the floor in willy-nilly disarray. What we thought of as the closest, perhaps safest relationship in our life has now become the source of our greatest grief and fear. The attachment rupture is enormous. I remember the long nights, riddled with deep, lonely grief following my husband’s decision to drop the fifty-megaton bomb and admit to his long affair. I looked up at the stars hoping to hear the voice of my departed mother and dad or maybe my wise old grandmother offering advice. What to do, where to start, how to dig my way out of this mess I never imagined, asked for, or created. Where do I begin? Who am I, if not the person I thought of as “wife?” And who is this man who has acted as though he was a faithful spouse for years? What spouse would not be looked upon as valiant if she cut back on volunteer activities, took on a second job, looked drawn and exhausted, all-in support of a spouse that had cancer, Parkinson’s or dementia? Why should there be any less empathy and understanding extended to a partner whose entire life history and security have just blown up via the discovery of a spouse’s betrayal? Why wouldn’t she grasp for any help, any life preserver in the tempest of her now topsy-turvy life? She would naturally look for help for her unsound and disordered partner. How can she help him heal so he might return to be her trusted partner in life? Deep down inside, she wonders if he will ever be safe again. She signed up to be a life partner in sickness and health. In this life-shattering betrayal, she longs for the old days of attachment and ‘love.’ Much like her inability to heal the wounds suffered by her spouse from a serious car accident, she is likewise powerless to do the deep emotional healing work she faces to understand what led him to betray all he swore to love and protect. She cannot make the discoveries of his own life’s traumas, the delusion-driven choices he has made, nor can she repair the damage he has left in his wake. That and more are his work to do. How painful this realization can be. No amount of wishing, hoping, providing healing resources, or explaining her grief to him will build the framework of a healthier life for him. He must be willing. He has to be consistent, determined and committed to walking the long, difficult path toward healing. She cannot give him the gift of willingness. Oh, the wrenching pain of this reality. The sadness. The helplessness. Those who deny this reality sentence themselves to disillusionment, disappointment, resentment and needless angry drama. The answer lies in the ability to choose to care for yourself and tend to the deep wounds suffered. This is similar to the in-flight instruction to put on one’s oxygen mask before attending to anyone else. It’s not that betrayal is not a huge problem. It is. But it is not the central problem. Surviving and moving back into yourself is paramount before any wise and careful decisions can be made on how to proceed. What may have seemed central to your life, the care of others, must now take a back seat. If a praying person, pray for his willingness and heart change as if he were undergoing open heart surgery and recovery. Pray. Try to influence his decisions if he is open to listening, but at the end of the day, he must choose and walk the difficult path of change.