This week's article explores the question: "After the affair came to light, what didn't you know that you needed to know?"
A hundred wayward spouses could tell you what they wish they'd known, and all of their responses would carry some merit. Today, however, I'd like to turn the lens on myself — an unfaithful spouse — to share six things I wish I'd known as well as what I've observed over my 30-plus years of marriage.
One of the most frustrating issues when recovering from betrayal trauma is the ongoing emotional flooding that comes from the loss, deception, reminders, and intrusive thoughts. Long after a couple commits to work on the marriage, a fire-breathing trauma-dragon will raise its head and scorch the little progress they make. I call it a dragon because this type of trauma appears as if from nowhere for a ruthless surprise attack. This dragon of trauma is difficult to describe, so...
"Now I get it," an angry spouse shouted at their mate.
I doubt it, I thought to myself. I was speaking with a couple that, after infidelity, had been working for five months to understand the "why" of the affair.
While trying to explain the dynamics of the relationship and the frequency of contact with the affair partner, the betrayed spouse concluded, "You obviously never loved me. I never did anything to hurt you."
The wayward spouses rebutted, "Are you serious? You were so controlling. I had no voice in our...
After almost seventeen years of helping couples and individuals professionally, I have discovered that crises affect us far more than we are aware. The impact of a crisis, whatever it may be, must be dealt with if we ever want to find healing and hope for a better future.
The trauma experienced by a couple upon the revelation of a betrayal is no small matter, and it creates a raw, emotional upheaval that must be...
Recovering from an affair isn't just a matter of how badly someone wants to heal, it's also a matter of time and dedicated, intentional work. I can't tell you how many times I get asked, "How long is this going to take?" My answer is always, "It depends." One thing is for sure: Recovering from an affair will take longer than both of you expected, and it's not necessarily based on how much you want to recover.
It has been my experience that it takes most...
Today, I'd like to begin by reflecting on a conversation I once had with an angry, wayward spouse. He had been trying to gain his wife's forgiveness ever since his affair two years prior. Sadly, he wasn't making much progress. The sad part in this particular situation wasn't her inability to forgive him, it was the fact that the bitterness...
Whenever I write or speak about forgiveness, I'm always amazed at the outpouring of heartfelt comments. I grieve over the pain expressed by those who've been injured, and I pray that their mates will come to understand and appreciate the price they've paid on their behalf.
After a betrayal, forgiveness is necessary for your own healing. It's not an easy process, though, and it comes with its own set of challenges. The key challenge when forgiving infidelity is the ongoing consequences of the betrayal.
This is not an easy journey and it will be imperfect and awkward but when the Affair Partner is pregnant as a result of infidelity, we have learned some critical lessons about how to navigate this situation with the best interest of the child at the center while still being able to heal and recover. In this blog I will discuss these lessons and what worked for us to help you.
About ten years ago, I had a client who seemed to be "the king of relapse." Week after week he'd faithfully come to his session, and week after week he'd tell me how he had screwed up. About eight weeks into the process, I finally asked, " Do you really believe it's important to avoid these behaviors?" "Absolutely," he replied. "Then I'm confused. I've always believed behaviors are a far better indicator of a person's belief system than words, and looking at your...
Woven into our basic makeup is the desire and need to “do life together”. By connecting with others - sharing openly, being honest, and not minimizing our struggles, we develop healthy stress coping...
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Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it!
Today, I want to discuss a crucial step for the betrayed spouse when recovering from infidelity: letting go. And there’s a lot to this. It’s letting go of the past, letting go...
After disclosure, it's common for a husband or wife in crisis to ask, What should I do next?" It's a fair question. After your world has been turned upside down by infidelity, it's difficult to know what the proper course of action is to help repair the damage. "What if my spouse is ambivalent?" is another fair question, which can dictate what steps you decide to take in the immediate...
Have you ever done something that just didn't work? When I was 9, I dared my 6-year-old brother to kiss a snapping turtle. Somehow, neither of us anticipated the outcome. The turtle grabbed Jay's lip, and what followed is the stuff of legends. He went into sheer panic mode and started running around, screaming with the turtle hanging from his bottom lip. I chased after him to help him get the darn thing unattached from his lip before Mom discovered my dastardly deed. As you might imagine, it cost me a pretty penny to keep Jay quiet about my failed...
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Are you struggling with shame after infidelity and have no idea how to break free from it? This week, I'd like to share material from our Hope for Healing course for wayward spouses. I believe with these tips and insights in hand, the wayward spouse can begin to assess their...
The Paralysis of Ambivalence: A Two-Part Series
Within...
Part 1: Is Ambivalence Common When Healing From Infidelity? Part 2: How Can You Move Past Ambivalence After Infidelity?
One truth we've learned at Affair Recovery is that it's not just time that heals wounds; it's how you spend the time that heals wounds. Often, I hear about or see couples that are just plain "stuck." The good news is you don't have to be stuck. You can move toward healing, gain momentum, and sustain, it during your recovery journey.
You might be saying to yourself, "Easier said than done, Rick." I hear you. Trust me, I do. I'm not going to tell you it's easy to move forward....
Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples.
Ever been afraid to look at something? For instance, when you rear-end someone's car and are afraid to get out and look at the damage? Why is it hard for us to look, to acknowledge what happened, and to assume responsibility for our part in it? Tim Keller said in his book, The Meaning of Marriage, , "Love without truth is sentimentality;...
Continue Healing at the Hope Rising Conference for Betrayed Spouses!
Recovering from infidelity pain? Take a brave step out of the turmoil and do something just for yourself. Join us for the virtual Hope Rising conference on September 30. We've planned an event only for betrayed spouses filled with hope, practical strategies and resources.
I want to start off today by saying this...
Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives.
"I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in...
Part 1: Discovery: Processing the Details of the Affair Part 2: Discovery: Why Do I Want to Know?
Last week, we kicked off our discussion on discovery and the processing of the numerous and overwhelming details. Today, I'd like to continue the conversation by presenting an important fact: During disclosure of the...
Healing from the trauma of infidelity is a multi-step process. After the difficult step of disclosure ccomes yet another challenging process: Handling the details. How you address...
I went to an end-of-the-year bash with a bunch of friends during my junior year in high school. We had a great time grilling burgers and listening to music, but two of my friends wanted a bit more excitement and decided to put a cup of ice down my pants. I, on the other hand, wasn't interested in this type of fun and the chase began.
I was faster than my friends, but also lazy. I didn't want to expend too much...
This isn't another light-and-fluffy program that only scratches the surface of your pain. The EMS Weekend Experience is a safe space for you and your partner to start putting the pieces of your life back together, transform your trauma and begin healing from infidelity. Skeptical about the effectiveness of this experience? Don't be! Backed by a slew...
Spaces fill up quickly for this course. To learn when registration opens back...
Although there's no undoing the hurt caused by infidelity, it is possible to accept it and also accept where your life is at because of it. That's where you can begin to be free...
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At Affair Recovery, we're committed to helping people heal as individuals and as couples. But how does one know whether it's worth the effort, pain, and commitment to pursue...
This week, we are privileged to hear from Michael...
Part 1: The Fog of Self Desception Part 2: Were They Predisposed to Cheat? Part 3: Justifications of the Unfaithful
Part 1: The Fog of Self-Deception Part 2: Were They Predisposed to Cheat? Part 3: Justifications of the Unfaithful
Cover more ground faster with the...
What Type of Affair Was It?
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